Me and my husband have started having threesomes with this great guy. We all get along and everything has been going well. Lately, my sex drive only seems to be focused on us three. This means that I don’t seem to have any sexual energy left for 1-1 sex with my husband, which is taking a toll. We talked about it and we still haven’t come up with a solution to the problem since a) he wants more sex between us b) I’m just more horny about threesome right now and usually not in the mood for one-on-one.

This is a pretty common issue. When something is new, it’s exciting, and often seems more appealing than familiar alternatives. When my housemates and I discovered an awesome little ice cream shop near our house, we went like all the time for a while. Then the novelty wore off and it stopped being this thing we craved daily. This happens with music, with hobbies, and in the case of poly people, with sexual partners.

I try not to ever suggest to people that they just have sex with their partner when they’re not into it out of obligation - but in this case, it’s worth trying to reinvigorate your one-on-one sex life with your husband. Watch threesome porn or read threesome erotica together; talk dirty to each other about the last time you had a threesome together. Try Mojo Upgrade to find some new interests to explore together. Buy a nice new sex toy to use together. Take a sexy weekend away at a cabin or hotel. If you two are kinky, visit a dungeon party or other kinky event in your area.

It sounds like the newness and excitement is part of what’s doing it for you, so seek out newness in other areas! Or, if there’s something else about the threesomes with this new guy that you’re responding to - does he have a more dominant or submissive energy? Does your husband act differently during threesomes? - try to ID that and bring it into your sex life with your husband. 

Consider just giving it some time, too. It’s natural for couples to have rises and falls in their sex life, so if your husband is really making this into an epic deal, see if he’s willing to just let your libido do its thing for a while longer before labeling this a crisis-level problem. It’s a meeting-each-other-halfway thing: you try and find more sexual energy for one-on-one sex, and he tries to get his needs met without putting tons of pressure on you. Nothing wrong with investing in a nice solo toy or porn subscription for him.