I recently had a threesome with a couple of friends, and it was fun in the moment, but later I heard them having sex again without me while they thought I was asleep, and then I regretted the threesome and felt gross about it. Is this normal?

Remember like 15 years ago when all the cool Hot Topic scene kids had buttons on their messenger bags that said “normal is a setting on a washing machine”? I don’t always advocate for taking life lessons from an angsty tween, but in this case, you could do worse. It doesn’t really matter whether other people have this feeling - you did, and it’s valid.

I can tell you that it is very “normal” to have strong, sometimes unexpected, feelings about, during, and after sex. Sex is a big deal for our brains and our bodies, and it can trigger all sorts of emotional and physiological sensations. Add that to the fact that most of us grow up steeped in a sex-negative culture that makes us feel ashamed or afraid of those strong feelings. Plus, in our heteronormative, monogamy-centric world, we are given few, if any, healthy ways to understand things like threesomes and non-monogamy.

So you’re okay. You’re normal. It’s okay to sit with and think about that feeling. Maybe it means that threesomes just aren’t for you, and that’s okay! It’s okay to try something and realize there’s something about it that you don’t enjoy. You can start to set boundaries around that to protect yourself now that you know it isn’t good for you. That may mean not having threesomes anymore, or asking future threesome partners not to have sex without you while you’re present.

Or, you could be battling some internalized shame and sex-negativity that is preventing you from enjoying something you otherwise would! Maybe you’ve been taught to feel gross and regretful about sex and want to unlearn that. Maybe the solution is to drag those feelings of ‘grossness’ and regret into the light, look at them sitting there all unpleasant and useless, and say “yeah, you don’t come from anything real and you don’t offer me anything healthy, and I reject you.” This is a process many people in the kink/BDSM community are familiar with.

Ultimately, it’s up to you whenever you have a feeling - you can decide that your feeling is telling you something important and helping you identify a something that’s not working for you; or, you can decide that your feeling is coming from a place of fear, threat, or shame and you want to understand and challenge it more. Either way, you’re normal, you’re fine, and you deserve to have a sex life that makes you feel good!

Me and my husband have started having threesomes with this great guy. We all get along and everything has been going well. Lately, my sex drive only seems to be focused on us three. This means that I don’t seem to have any sexual energy left for 1-1 sex with my husband, which is taking a toll. We talked about it and we still haven’t come up with a solution to the problem since a) he wants more sex between us b) I’m just more horny about threesome right now and usually not in the mood for one-on-one.

This is a pretty common issue. When something is new, it’s exciting, and often seems more appealing than familiar alternatives. When my housemates and I discovered an awesome little ice cream shop near our house, we went like all the time for a while. Then the novelty wore off and it stopped being this thing we craved daily. This happens with music, with hobbies, and in the case of poly people, with sexual partners.

I try not to ever suggest to people that they just have sex with their partner when they’re not into it out of obligation - but in this case, it’s worth trying to reinvigorate your one-on-one sex life with your husband. Watch threesome porn or read threesome erotica together; talk dirty to each other about the last time you had a threesome together. Try Mojo Upgrade to find some new interests to explore together. Buy a nice new sex toy to use together. Take a sexy weekend away at a cabin or hotel. If you two are kinky, visit a dungeon party or other kinky event in your area.

It sounds like the newness and excitement is part of what’s doing it for you, so seek out newness in other areas! Or, if there’s something else about the threesomes with this new guy that you’re responding to - does he have a more dominant or submissive energy? Does your husband act differently during threesomes? - try to ID that and bring it into your sex life with your husband. 

Consider just giving it some time, too. It’s natural for couples to have rises and falls in their sex life, so if your husband is really making this into an epic deal, see if he’s willing to just let your libido do its thing for a while longer before labeling this a crisis-level problem. It’s a meeting-each-other-halfway thing: you try and find more sexual energy for one-on-one sex, and he tries to get his needs met without putting tons of pressure on you. Nothing wrong with investing in a nice solo toy or porn subscription for him. 

My boyfriend and I were looking for a 3 some partner and now we’re all really enamored with each other and started a poly relationship. Any advice for us newbies?

First off, you three deserve kudos for being able to make that transition. It’s tough to give advice without knowing more about your specific situation, but here’s what comes to mind:

1.) Communication! Develop clear and healthy communication strategies. Things might feel easy and simple at the start, since you three were so lucky to fall for each other the way you did, but that can actually be dangerous as you may find yourselves in a conflict before you’ve built up ways of coping with it, and that’s like fixing the car in the toughest part of the race. Check in with each other often and practice good communication from the start.

2.) Do what’s right and healthy for you. There are as many ways to be poly as there are poly people. You know what’s best for you, as individuals and as a poly triad. Don’t get too hung up in what other people project onto you, or what other poly people are doing and saying. Forge your own path, checking in often about whether what you’re doing is working.

3.) Be prepared for society to be unprepared for you. Many people think polyamory is a sexual behavior rather than a way of being in relationships, and associate it with what they see as “sexual deviancy.” Especially since you three met as threesome partners, that stigma may be especially tough to shake. Hold your heads high, and support each other through the difficulties that accompany coming out as poly.

Good luck!