I recently started therapy for anxiety. The therapist is nice enough, but, when I mentioned being poly, he said it’s okay while I’m young, but that I need to choose one partner if I want to get married or have kids. I have tried to tell him that I disagree, but he just retorts with something to the effect of, “It’s statistically impossible.” I am not out to my parents, so telling them I don’t want to go to therapy anymore would be difficult because I don’t have a reason. How do I approach this?

First off, I am really sorry that you’re dealing with this - therapy should be a safe and affirming place, but therapists are people too, who often bring their biases or baggage into the session as well. It sucks and it’s not what you deserve from a mental healthcare professional.

Unfortunately, you are not alone - many healthcare professionals are uninformed about polyamory, which can be frustrating and block polyamorous people from getting the best care. One gynecologist insisted that I was in an abusive relationship because my male partner had manipulated or brainwashed me into thinking it’s okay that he has other partners and pressed a bunch of domestic violence pamphlets into my hand. She was well-intentioned, but it was sad and alienating for me to be told that my healthy, consensual relationship is actually abuse.

You have a few options here - none are ideal, but the situation itself isn’t ideal. Choose whichever one sounds safest to you.

One: Keep your polyamory out of the sessions. If you’re seeing the therapist for anxiety, talk about your anxiety and avoid the topic of polyamory. Of course it’s suboptimal to feel closeted or like you can’t share the whole story of yourself with your therapist, but if your anxiety is primarily about things besides relationships, you may be able to re-frame therapy for yourself as a sort of ‘targeted’ medical procedure rather than an open-ended talk-therapy relationship. Ask your therapist about CBT or DBT, talk mostly about your anxiety and how it feels and what triggers it, and clarify for yourself and your therapist what your treatment goals are, keeping them focused on reducing the anxiety and its symptoms.

Two: Find another therapist. Lots and lots of people take a few tries to find a therapist they really click with, and it’s totally okay to shop around. You don’t need to tell your parents exactly why you don’t feel 100% safe and comfortable with this therapist, you can just say that you’d really appreciate the chance to try a different one. Or, make up a white lie - you’d prefer someone younger, or of a different gender, or you don’t like how he approaches [other issue]. You can review some articles with them like this one and ask if they are open to letting you do some research and find another person to talk to. Of course, there may be barriers to this, including time, distance, cost, and insurance - so let your parents know that you are grateful to them for helping you access therapy in the first place, and be as collaborative as possible about this request. 

Three: Try to educate your therapist. I hesitate to suggest this, because it’s really not your responsibility, and you may end up feeling even more alienated or unsafe if he refuses to receive what you have to say. But if you want to try, there are materials out there to help therapists understand polyamory in an accurate and healthy way. You could write him a letter or bring it up in conversation. You can print or email him some resources like:

You could say something like “When I mentioned my relationship orientation [or however you define/experience your polyamory], you were dismissive of polyamory. In order for me to feel safe in therapy, I need to know that my whole self and my relationships are accepted and understood here. It sounds like you’re working from outdated information or a misunderstanding of polyamory. In reality, it’s well-documented that polyamorous relationships can be as healthy and long-lasting as monogamous ones, and it is a valid [identity/orientation/relationship style]. As your patient, I’d ask that you read this and work with me to become better informed so that our treatment relationship isn’t harmed by misunderstanding or prejudice. I’m happy to answer any questions.”

No matter what you choose, know that you are valid, you are awesome, and you deserve a happy, healthy, fulfilling life. Anxiety is a beast (I also am in treatment for an anxiety disorder), but you are doing the hard work of fighting it! I am proud of you and you should be proud of yourself. And this period of your life, where your parents and other adults are all up in your business about who you are, will end eventually. I promise. 

Hello, I have been in a relationship for 7 months with a man who is openly poly in his relationship values. I believe I have a similar value set too however this is the first time I have attempted to have an open relationship. Intellectually I want and value all of the things that an open relationship could bring but I am feeling held back by fear, doubt and jealousy. I am struggling to stop myself automatically reacting to situations with a lot of negativity when what I really want is to feel safe and secure enough in myself and my relationship so that we can be open. I am open to any advice and direction for further support. 

I know I’m going to sound like a broken record on this one, but: therapy! The thing about fear, doubt, and jealousy is that they can be understood, managed, and even healed. But you don’t have to do it alone! The entire point of therapy is to help you when you feel held back from living your own values or desires by fear, doubt, and jealousy, and when you want to feel safe and secure in yourself and your relationships. 

It is not uncommon to feel like you automatically react with negativity when you know your ‘best self’ wouldn’t respond that way. Therapy styles like CBT and DBT help you take better control of your automatic reactions and learn to respond in ways you’re proud of rather than react from the part of you that’s scared and acting out. If you are at all able, start working with a therapist - try Googling around for poly friendly or poly aware professionals in your area, or try online/phone therapy if that works for you. 

In all this, remember that you’re working on this for you. Don’t go to therapy with the intention of molding yourself into the perfect relationship partner for this new man, but because you deserve help getting out of patterns of fear, doubt, negativity, and insecurity! Maybe things work out with this guy, maybe they don’t. Either way, what you’ve described here are pretty much textbook reasons to seek therapy, and things that really can get better with help! Good luck!

I’m afraid I like the idea of poly-relationships but can’t feel comfortable in one. I never identified with monogamy, I find it toxic, specially bc of the lack of communication, but now, being in a monogamous, loving relationship, with a patient and caring partner, I’m having trouble with dealing with my own insecurities and jealousy - we’ve been together for several months. (She’s the only one who has other partners, I don’t actually get interested in other people).

There’s a lot here to unpack. You say you can’t feel comfortable in a polyamorous relationship, but you’re also unhappy being monogamous. It sounds like the issue is deeper than relationship style, and has more to do with the insecurities and jealousy you know you have. 

Without knowing more about the situation, my best advice would be to see a poly-friendly therapist (you can find a list of them here) to work on those issues of insecurity that are keeping you from a happy, healthy relationship. If you can’t afford a therapist, you can try some DIY therapy with mindfulness practice and self-help books and online programs that fit your needs. For me, reading Daring Greatly was really helpful and healing - find what works for you.

And, as always, communication is so important. Part of communication is about speaking into the situation - talk things out honestly with your partner. And the other part is listening - doing your best to hear and trust her when she says that she does care about you.

Finally, I can’t let this go without making one crucial clarification. Monogamy is not inherently toxic, nor does it necessarily come with a lack of communication. It can seem like people practicing polyamory talk more about communication and work more explicitly on healthy communication practices, but there’s nothing preventing monogamous folks from doing the same, and all the things that poly people do to make their relationships work can be done in monogamous relationships. True, monogamy doesn’t work for everyone - but that doesn’t mean it’s not a totally valid, fulfilling, healthy way to live.