Hi, I’m so upset and sad and scared. The long and short of it is, I’m scared being secondary with this guy I’m in love with will hurt. We’re in love and he says he loves us (his gf and I) equally, but i have to be secondary to protect their relationship. I don’t know how to be okay with secondary. I just want him, that’s all I’ve wanted for a really long time and I’m not sure what to do.

Do not enter this relationship. If you already feel upset and sad and scared about the prospect of being in a relationship on these terms, don’t do it. Never date someone on terms that would make you feel hurt. Never make a compromise on this level. Your emotional well-being is not worth being with him. You cannot date this guy - your terms are dating “just him,” and he cannot date you on those terms. He is undateable.

Sometimes, we really want to date people, but other circumstances prevent us from being able to: they don’t want to date us, they are moving away, they require dating on terms that won’t work for us. Situations like that hurt, and it’s very tempting to make a compromise to get what we want, but it will not work out. Listen to the signals your emotions are sending you - this will not be a healthy arrangement for you. Reality is not aligned in such a way that you can get what you want. It sucks, but it’s something to grieve, not solve. Mourn the fact that it didn’t work out, eat a bunch of ice cream, and try to move on.