I came out as polyamorous and now I'm being bullied by my peers

I came out about being in a polyamorous relationship to a friend. Unfortunately he thought I told people about it, and because of asking a friend about her idea on it, she told everyone. Now I deal with people calling me a slut and coming up to my partners and telling them that I'm cheating or they should date someone who isn't a huge whore. I'm going into my senior year on Monday and I'm not ready to go back to the harassment and bullying. What can I do about this?

First off, I'm really sorry that this is happening to you. People can be cruel and ignorant to anyone who is different, especially when it comes to issues of gender, sexuality, or relationships. Young people especially can be really rigid when it comes to perceived notions of sexual morality and gender roles.

The best thing to do right now is to surround yourself with love and support. Check in with your partners - you're all going through this together, and be prepared to stand strong for each other. You can even come up with a script beforehand, so if someone tells your partner not to date you, they can have a prepared comeback: "Thanks for your input on my relationship, it has been noted" or "I don't really care what you think, I chose to date Gismeldo and I don't need your approval." Or just "that's so rude" or "that's not okay." Something that shuts down the conversation.

Try to let go of needing to change these people's minds - arguing with them is only going to make you feel miserable and targeted. It is okay that someone is out there thinking nasty things about you; they can have opinions that are wrong and walk around being wrong and that's their problem. I know it can be miserable and infuriating to be told "just ignore them" - I was bullied terribly as a child and a teen, and you deserve to be protected and supported. But fighting back on issues like this just becomes an ideological argument where you feel a lot more vulnerable and they get more opportunities to attack.

Stick with people you trust at school, and prioritize your own safety. If that means physically avoiding certain people, do that. If there is a teacher or other adult you trust, talk to them, but be prepared for them to be confused or dismissive; non-monogamy is not as widely understood as a potentially marginalized relationship orientation/identity and they might not be the allies you need. Try framing it as "I shared personal information with Zodielle, and now I'm being harassed by Lagron and Jezander." Share specifics about what they are doing and saying, and ask that teacher or other adult for anything you think would help you avoid it (like "Can I eat my lunch in a classroom with some friends" or "Can I avoid group work with these people").

If the harassment escalates from cruel words to anything else, keep documentation and report it. If anyone touches your body or your things, makes threats of violence, attacks your online spaces, etc. keep records and do what you need to keep yourself safe. But as long as it's just people saying you're a slut or a whore, try to take a deep breath, walk away, and remember that there is a huge polyamorous community who loves you, supports you, and has your back, and that those people are just flat incorrect.

Imagine that instead they're walking around saying "chocolate ice cream is literal poison and if you eat it you'll be vulnerable to psychic attacks from lizard people!" They're just misinformed, confused, and blatantly wrong; maybe annoying and potentially dangerous if they try to attack ice cream salespeople, but for now, they're just running around being obnoxiously stupid. Nothing they are saying is true - you are valuable, worthy, and perfectly deserving of loving relationships.

How do I know whether I'm polyamorous before trying it?

How does one go about knowing whether they're poly or not when they've only been in two monogamous relationships?

Part of the answer is: you can't "know" for sure; you just gotta try it out and see if it works for you! I'm guessing you didn't agonize about knowing whether you were monogamous or not before getting into monogamous relationships - the point of dating is to try things out and find out what works for you! 

The other part is: the same way you find out anything about yourself - introspection, daydreaming, reading, testing, experimenting, exploring. Check out my FAQ about this here.

I started dating a man, but his wife has made things really complicated - is there a way to stay with him but avoid the drama?

For about two or so months, I was in a "V" polyamorous relationship with a much older married man. His wife is much younger than me. He and I both had one-on-one conversations with her and we even had a group conversation about the dynamics right up front when he and I discovered we had feelings for each other. She said up front, on several occasions, she was okay with it. It gave her a chance to have her space as--her words--he was "incredibly needy". As the weeks went on and we continued to see each other, she started becoming very jealous, accusatory, saying mean and snide things to him about me or to him about himself. He would constantly check in with her when she'd make these awful comments and make sure she was still okay with things. It all came to a head about a week and a half ago. And he attempted to break it off with me. I accepted it, but he didn't want to let go. Resorting to social media to put me on public blast for moving on. I forgave him. Now, we've resumed some semblance of a relationship, but without his wife's knowledge. I know I am complicit in this, and thus, a guilty party, but I'm wondering if there's someway else better to handle this? We love and care about each other. And we want to be together. I've never once asked him to leave his wife or gave him ultimatums. It's been her doing. I find her very controlling, emotionally abusive, she gaslighted me and him. I want to be with him, but I also don't like the secrets and the affair-esque, don't ask don't tell dynamic.

Facts: You only dated this guy for about two months. This guy is the kind of person to try and break up with you, then use social media to publicly shame you for moving on. Dating him comes with all the baggage and drama of his wife. You don't like the dynamic the relationship currently has.

WALK AWAY. This is not a healthy relationship. I promise you can find someone who is just as funny or sexy or interesting or thrilling who is also more mature and doesn't make unreasonable demands and put you in unpleasant situations. The better way to handle this is to stop putting up with his nonsense.

There is nothing you can do to change his behavior or make his choices for him, you can just decide whether you want to be part of this disaster of a situation. If you decide to stay, you'll need to accept that staying will include dealing with his wife's tantrums, his propensity for social media drama, and the fact that this is now a cheating situation instead of consensual non-monogamy. 

I'm polyamorous, my boyfriend is not, and this tension is making me miserable

I think I need to break up with my boyfriend. I love him so dearly but the only options are break up and be poly or stay together and hurt my own feelings when I crush on others. There is no way he wants to do polyamory, and every option makes me feel terrible. It doesn't help that I relapsed on self harm and drugs....I know it's bad but I just am so distressed and don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm desperate. How do I compromise, and is it even possible?

If a relationship is making you feel desperate and distressed to the point that you relapse into self-destructive behavior, it's not healthy for you to be in anymore. Sometimes "love" isn't enough - sometimes two people are mostly great together, but one major issue makes them not compatible in a relationship. It's heartbreaking and frustrating to have to break up when there are still things you love about being together, but it sounds like it's necessary in this situation. 

Please reach out for help with the drug use and the self harm - you don't deserve to be this miserable, and you do deserve support through this difficult time. Not having the freedom to live into who you are as a polyamorous person is really unhealthy for you, so you need to start taking the steps toward a healthier relationship arrangement, even if that means no longer being with this current partner. 

I get into bad moods when my partner has fun with his other partner and I'm stuck at work

I'm grumpy because my lover is seeing his other girlfriend and I'm working and I'm mostly okay and he needs to see her too and it does me good too I take the time to reflect but I'm grumpy and I hate it. Also scared he'll decide my grumpy isn't worth it.

Being in a bad mood sucks, and you're right to recognize that it often sucks for the people around you as well. But there are things you can do about it! Learning to manage your moods is a powerful skill and there are many ways to tackle it.

It can help to just reframe things: it's okay to be moody about having to work when other people are having fun, but that doesn't really have anything to do with polyamory or what your lover is doing. Even if he wasn't seeing his other partner, you'd still have to work. So try to separate those frustrations. And if your work consistently makes you miserable, consider finding another job, if possible.

If you're worried that your grumpiness is going to make your lover decide that the relationship isn't worth it, try finding other outlets for your moods so you can bring him more positivity. Anything from online support forums and chats to meeting up with a friend to professional therapy can help with that.

Finally, remember that grumpiness can sometimes be banished using positivity strategies. You may have heard that you should "vent" your negative feelings, but in fact, letting yourself mull and stew and ruminate will only make things worse. Try and refocus and distract yourself. Put on peppy, upbeat music and bop around. Read or do something that makes you happy. Have lunch with a coworker and don't talk about the stuff that's bugging you.

Is it still polyamory if it isn't a V-shaped arrangement?

No idea if this is a question fitting to this blog but I've been trying to inform myself about polyamory to be more open and in all the examples I found online or in books it's always just one person being in love with two or more people, and everyone is fine with it. My question is, what if all three or more people are in love with each other, like everyone is in love with everyone in the relationship, would that still be polyamory? I just don't want to offend anyone by using the wrong term.

Yes, that is definitely still considered polyamory! That is often referred to as a "triad" if there are 3 people involved, or "polyfidelity" if all 3+ people are only involved with each other. Keep reading and researching - you'll find plenty of examples of what you're describing.

How do I join the polyamorous community in my area?

I am attempting to join a couple in The Life or meet a woman in it so I can build with. How do I accomplish this in Indianapolis, In?

You can see my FAQ page on finding polyamorous people to date here.

But I'd caution you to re-examine your language and what it might indicate about your expectations. Polyamory isn't some porny sex cult that we initiate people into - it's just a way of having a relationship. If you have a fantasy about what polyamory would look like, or what type of polyamorous person you're looking for, consider doing some research that helps you think through how realistic that fantasy is.

Remember that all people are individuals, whole and dynamic, and no one exists to be your gatekeeper to polyamory. Go out there and be a human dating other humans; treating it like anything else will be an exercise in futility and risks ending up with you being frustrated and other people feeling misunderstood or objectified.  

How do I self-describe if I could see myself in a polyamorous or a monogamous relationship?

i haven't been in a relationship yet, and i'm open to the idea of having 2 or 3 girlfriends, but i wouldn't mind having just one. would the correct term for people like me be "open to polyamory", or just plain polyamorous?

Whatever term helps you self-identify in a way that's healthy and gives you the tools and language to find the relationships that work for you. Some people use terms like "polyflexible" or "mono-poly" to describe themselves as someone able to have healthy, fulfilling relationships that are polyamorous or monogamous.

I came out as polyamorous, and then a guy was creepy at me

I dunno if I'm looking for advice or kind words or what but something uncomfortable happened. I confessed to being polyam over FB and then a guy I have never spoken to said 'sup' and when I didn't reply he asked hours later if he could send nudes. After I said no he said 'I saw you were poly so I thought you'd be down.' I am supportive of all types of poly and know some are cool wit that but I am serious stuff only so my status being translated as automatically DTF was a bit disheartening.

Yep, that happens sometimes. And it sucks. People - in my experience, mostly straight men - often assume that being polyamorous means you are somehow obligated to pay them sexual attention, because the "sorry, I have a partner" excuse no longer works. It's a garbage mindset, and it leads people to behave in aggressive, obnoxious, and inappropriate ways. I've had this happen to me multiple times, including one especially scary brush with a man who would not take "no" for an answer because "I've seen you get cuddly with other dudes you know!" Gross.

The best way to handle this is to block and delete that FB creeper, because he was obnoxious and has no rights to your time or emotional energy. He can be out there being a jerk who is wrong about you and wrong about polyamory. Your relationship orientation/style/preference is NOT permission for random dudes to be nasty at you, and he was out of line. Feel free to set your boundaries clearly and not back down. Block, delete, remove yourself from a situation, do whatever you have to do to stay happy and safe.

People will make assumptions about you, especially if you're a member of any minority group - "women are like..." or "all bisexual people do..." - and it's miserable. Being openly polyamoroys does mean that people will ask intrusive questions and be generally unnecessary. But you are not alone! Find a polyamorous forum or support group where you can be yourself, and honor the courage and pride it took to come out as polyamorous even though certain people chose to respond in an awful way.

Two weeks after I met someone, they told me they didn't have feelings for me - what's my next move?

I was seeing a woman for 2 weeks. Out of nowhere she stopped sending texts. I never heard back from her for a week until I called her out for ghosting after we had had numerous talks before on how awful it is to do that. She apologized and had admitted that she wanted to have feelings for me but can't. She offered to remain friends but understood if I didn't want to do it. She continued to carry a conversation with me after, and I kept it brief. Should I be at peace with this and leave it alone?

If the question is "should I be at peace," the answer is YES 99.99% of the time.

She doesn't want a sexual/romantic relationship with you, but seems to feel you two click on a personal level where a friendship would be nice. Is that something you want? Or would you rather just drop it altogether?

If you want a friendship, be friends. Have conversations with her about shared interests, invite her to group gatherings, that sort of thing. If it feels too awkward or high-effort or otherwise isn't something you want to invest energy in, go ahead and graciously let communication cease.

That said, she may not actually be keen on a friendship and have just said that to soothe hurt feelings. If she continues to be flaky and low-communication, best to leave it be. Two weeks isn't long at all, and it's very normal for something to fizzle out at that stage.

I have an opportunity to join a polyfidelitous triad, but I have some concerns

So I've been talking to a couple that has offered a very luxurious lifestyle, and they fit the bill in almost every way for what I've always wanted. They have been together for around 10 years, and initially they mentioned "triad & polyfidelitous" but it's also very clear as of talking (7 days) that one is a lot more interested then the other, or at least reaching out at all... of course on top this knowing that they have such a strong foundation already, I would sleep alone majority/all the time.

Only you can make the call here - do the pros outweigh the cons? Is this a situation that sounds fun enough to make up for any frustrations you'd have to put up with, or are there too many red flags for your liking? 

It's okay for you ask for more clarification of expectations. Lay out for this person the specifics of what you want, and ask if they are willing and able to provide what you want. Let them know what your dealbreakers are, and ask if they can assure you that none of those are part of the plan. Where there are discrepancies, talk about compromise and be proactive in problem-solving.

It's okay to hold fast to your requirements and boundaries. It's okay to be flexible and compromise on some things, too! But be sure that you're being clear-eyed and honest with yourself, not brushing aside concerns because you want it all to work out or assume your future self will just be able to repress certain desires or disappointments. Don't do that to future you!

My partner wrote that he wants to be polyamorous, but won't discuss it with me

I've been dating almost a year & we are expecting. we started our relationship as a mono one (with zero connections to polyamory in anyway), but some weeks ago I stumbled across something he wrote & apparently he has 'realized' that he is poly, but the post was completely negative about our current relationship. This took me completely by surprise & I've tried to talk to him about it, but every time I ask him anything he tells me I don't know. I'm hurt & confused & getting zero answers.

He could be feeling angry or defensive about the way you "stumbled across" what he wrote - was there a violation of privacy on your part? You may need to take ownership of that and apologize to him, and try and re-lay a foundation to have that conversation safely. "I'm sorry that I found out this way, and that I found out before you were ready to talk about this with me - but this is where we are now, and I can't pretend to un-know what I know."

Ask him to make time to sit down with you and talk things out, straight and clear. Ask him direct questions, like "would you like our relationship to change? In what ways?" or "what about this relationship is making you unhappy?" or "what do you need from me to feel safe talking about this?"

If he refuses to answer your questions, you're allowed to press a bit more: "Look, we are about to have a child together, so we really need to get this figured out. I need you to be clear, open, and honest with me. I can't promise that I won't be upset or hurt if you share difficult things, but I can promise to receive what you have to say and give you a safe space to share how you feel. You need you give us the chance to figure this out together."

If he simply refuses to engage with you on this, then you have a choice to make: do you want to stay with someone who cannot or will not discuss his feelings and needs with you? 

Examining our language to identify potentially unhealthy or unnecessary assumptions

Hey there! I just wanted to say I really liked your answer about how we use language and our assumptions about the world. I think it's super great! I was wondering if you could consider a broader post on the subject, for example the way a lot of people frame polyamory, open relationships, etc? I notice a lot of talk about "allowing" for example. 

The letter-writer is referring to this post and this follow-up.

I sat on this letter for a bit so I could do some brainstorming about some of the language I see in the letters to this column and elsewhere in the polyamorous community. Here are a handful of categories and examples; this is by no means exhaustive! So perhaps consider this a part one of many in a series on language and assumptions in polyamory.

Adding/Bringing In

This is perhaps the one I most frequently find myself pushing back against. I see this most often with people in established, previously-monogamous couples. People will say they have decided they want to "add a new partner to their relationship," or "bring someone in." 

I find this language weirdly objectifying and dehumanizing. You go looking for a new lamp to bring into your living room to brighten it up. You find a new spice to add to a dish you're cooking. In these cases, you have an existing situation that needs something, and you just go find something that meets your needs and toss it in.

People don't work like that, and neither do relationships. Imagine that you start a new job, and a new coworker goes up to you, acts really friendly and excited about you, then tells you that they've really been looking for a new friend to add to their social group! That's...weird. Or imagine if you're a straight monogamous woman and a man tells you he wants to bring a girlfriend into his life. Again...weird.

People are complete, complex, dynamic beings with needs, desires, and lives. Relationships should be a give-and-take, not a "I picked you up, examined you to see if you're what I wanted, then stuck you where you fit into my living room - I mean life." 

Allowing/Opening To New People

When you audition for a role in a play, there's a power imbalance - you want the role, and the people judging your audition are there to decide whether they want you for the role. That's not how relationships work, though. Unless you've got the looks of Natalie Dormer and the emotional generosity of Mister Rogers, don't act, or think, like what you're offering relationship-wise is something people are lining up to apply for, and you can just take your pick of the qualified auditioners. (If you do look like Natalie Dormer and have leveled up to max on emotional maturity, please call me.)

There's a difference between "deciding we are open to dating other people" and "opening our relationship to allow other people in." You have to be giving as much as you're asking for; dating you is not a privilege that the polyamorous people of the world have been waiting for you to make available.

If you find yourself using language that speaks to a sense that you've done all the work you need to by putting yourself/yourselves on the market, and you just need to sit back and assess those who come to you, that needs a reframing. 

Cope With/Come To Terms With 

I hear from a lot of people asking for help "coping with" or "coming to terms with" their partner's polyamory or monogamy or something else in their relationship. Here's the thing, though - things you "cope with" are painful circumstances outside of your control. Learning a loved one has a terminal illness or losing your dream job due to a budget shortage is something you "cope with." 

If you're at the point of experiencing your partner's behavior or choices as something you need to figure out how to tolerate the pain of, the issue is probably not "learn how to be okay with something that makes you miserable." It may be "how to ask for a change to the relationship to help you get what you need to be okay" or how to leave the relationship with grace and safety.

Emotions/Preferences As Inherent Personal Qualities

"My partner is possessive, so..."
"I can't do XYZ because my girlfriend is a jealous person."
"Open conversation is not an option because I am shy and non-confrontational."

Some things, we just can't help: The core of our temperaments and personalities. The presence of a mental illness. Our pasts. But be careful of language that lets you, or your partner, abdicate all responsibility. Do not trap yourself in the framing of "well I'm just like this, I can't help it."

So maybe you feel more jealous than the average person. That doesn't mean you get to just throw your hands up and say, well, I'm a jealous person, take me or leave me. It just means you have your work cut out for you to manage those feelings, behave in a healthy way, and have the conversations you and your partner need to make things work for both of you.

Armchair Psychiatry

Be really, really careful with psychological or semi-psychological terms like "narcissistic," "toxic," "co-dependent," "addict," "borderline," "trauma," etc. It's rarely helpful to a situation for someone to make sweeping generalizations (she is toxic) or amateur diagnoses (I'm pretty sure he has a personality disorder). 

Instead, focus on specific behaviors: what has this person done or said that hurt or concerned you? This is easier to address and prevents the mess of issues that comes with attempting to label or diagnose someone else's personality.

Also, remember that not all jerks are mentally ill. Not all unpleasant, cruel, manipulative, or even abusive behavior is diagnosable or symptomatic. Just being an awful person is not a DSM category. Someone can make bad choices without it needing to be traceable to a specific psychological disorder.

If you suspect that you or someone in your life is struggling with mental illness, trauma, or addiction, the next thing to do is get the professionals involved. A diagnosis is not the end goal - it is the beginning; it is a tool to help people find treatment that works and communicate about their needs. Simply having a word for something, or thinking you have a good descriptor, is not useful on its own.

Mind-Reading Language

Spot the difference between: "He doesn't care about me" vs. "He doesn't answer my texts." 
Or: "I'm not enough for her" vs. "She wants to date other people."

Check your language to see whether you're framing things in a way that makes major assumptions about someone else's feelings or motives. Remember that you are not psychic, and even if you experience something a certain way, that doesn't mean that was your partner's intention. Not all "messages received" are "messages sent." 

My partner is living with another partner who won't allow me in the house

Due to an emergency, my primary partner has to live with their partner (my metamour) for a few months while they get back on their feet. My metamour and I haven't had the best relationship because my introduction to and early experiences with her were traumatic, but I'm trying. Trust me when I say I want to be friends with my metamours. Now, my metamour has barred me access from her home and told our partner I'm not allowed to visit them in her house because she's not "comfortable" with me because I haven't tried hard enough to be friends with her. I think barring me from her home without opportunity for a conversation is unethical. Isn't it? Because the way I see it, regardless of how I feel about any of my metamours, I wouldn't forbid them from seeing our partner in a space that is my partner's and mine unless safety is a concern. I understand it's her home and it's her decision, but I think there's a right thing and a wrong thing to do. Not being able to see my partner, spend time with them, and just be home with them will weaken our relationship and my metamour knows that. I'm afraid this could cause my relationship with my partner to end; things have already been rocky for the past few months because of this specific metamour. Both my partner and I are talking to my metamour (separately) to have her understand that the circumstance she's putting us in is messed up. My partner is trying their hardest to get back on their feet so we won't have to endure this situation for long (but it could still take up to 6 months for them to be able to live away from this metamour again). What advice could you give me? What else can I do here? I'm losing my mind.

Okay, first things first - trauma is very serious. If someone in your life is traumatizing you, that is a crisis. Traumatizing someone - by definition, treating them in such a way that their psychological ability to cope with the pain or stress is overwhelmed - is abuse. If you are being, or have been, traumatized, you need to work with a therapist as soon as possible to start healing, learning to recognize your needs and set boundaries, and working on the patterns of thought and behavior that lead you to continue trying to be friends with people who traumatize you. (And if you feel that I am overreacting or the situation does not call for this response, then you need to not use the word ‘trauma’ - someone being rude, exclusive, unpleasant or nasty is not “traumatizing.”)

Second, you’re asking me to make a call as to whether this person’s behavior and demands are unethical and unreasonable, but it really doesn’t matter. Has this person said “oh, sure, I’ll amend my restrictions if you can get an internet advice blogger to agree with you?” Ultimately, you cannot change her mind or control her behavior. All you can do is decide what is best for you to do in this situation.

You could decide that dating someone who is dating or living with someone who traumatizes you and acts in a way you feel is unethical is not working for you, and leave the relationship. That is a choice you make for your own safety, not something anyone else is forcing you to do.

Or, you could decide that you want to try and make things work with your partner. Perhaps they are happy to spend lots of time where you live, and have sleepovers often. Perhaps they are willing to stand up to their partner/your metamour and say “I am going to have Salmertha over this Saturday to watch movies - you can make other plans to be out of the house if you want, but I’m not going to let you limit my ability to see my other partners.”

But if you ask your partner for that, and they tell you that they’ve chosen to give in 100% to the metamour’s demands, that’s their choice. You can’t control your partner, but you can control how you respond: “I’m sorry, I just can’t be in a relationship with someone who won’t risk any friction in another relationship to try and find a compromise for me.” Let go of trying to change someone else’s mind or see them as a controlling force in your life.

My therapist likes to say, of other people’s behavior and choices, ‘it’s all information.’ Your metamour has given you a lot of information about what being in a polyamorous network with her is like. Your partner has given you a lot of information about what being in a relationship with them is like. Now you get to decide, based on that information, what you want to do. 

It’s like if you interview for a job and they tell you “we’ll pay you a bajillion dollars, but to work here you’d have to come to work in five-inch heels every day and you’re not allowed to talk to your coworkers.” They’re not opening a debate with you, they’re stating their terms. You’d run yourself ragged trying to change their policy, even if you think it’s totally bonkers. All you can do is decide whether the bajillion dollars is worth it, or, based on what you know about this workplace, it’s best for you to decline their offer.

My wife and I are talking about polyamory, but have different ideas of how we'd like to date

My wife and I have gone back and forth for awhile and have agreed to try being poly/open. However, I don't have the time to explore much more then casual hook ups. She seems interested in more serious emotional experiences and is offended that I just want sex from other people. She's also got a lot of body issues that she uses as reasons for her not making the first move. How can we help each other to find some middle ground here?

If you two keep going back and forth, make sure that this is really what you two want to do and that you’re ready for it. Consider reading a book about polyamory, like More Than Two or The Ethical Slut, together, and talking about it. Talk together about best-case and worst-case scenarios. Ask questions. Be open. The fact that this continues to be a contentious subject between you two is a bit of a red flag.

You two can have different styles of dating - there’s this weird obsession with rigid score-counting ‘equality’ when previously mono couples ‘open’ their relationship, and I’d encourage you to let go of that. You can have lots of flings, one-night-stands, casual sex, etc. She can have more emotional connections, long-term dating relationships, etc. That doesn’t really change or threaten anything between you two, unless you decide that it does. 

Talk to her about why that offends her. Is she feeling, perhaps, like your preference for “just sex” means that your motives for opening the relationship are that you’re no longer sexually attracted to her? That can feel vulnerable and threatening. Maybe she’s framed it as “if being polyamorous is about who he is as a person, about his capacity to love and desire to connect with more people, then that makes sense. If he just wants to sleep with other people who aren’t me, then that bothers me.” You two need to figure out how you’re both framing this and do some work on the assumptions and fears behind that framing.

Anxiety and insecurity around body image can be pretty serious, especially for women. She is not “using these as reasons,” they are her reasons. If she is feeling held back in her life by them, I strongly encourage therapy focused on radical self acceptance and healing from toxic ideas about our bodies. You can find some resources here. Recognize that and have compassion. She doesn’t need to “make the first move” or be more sexually outgoing for this to work; so don’t pressure her to do that. Again, if you two let go of this need for things to look identical on both sides, you don’t need to push her to date a certain way just to swing permission for yourself to do that.

Would the stress of unicorn hunting be alleviated by having both members of the couple date the person separately?

Hey I've been doing some research (I'm new and still questioning) and I had an idea that I think would be more sensible than trying to add a third person straight into a couple and would like your opinion (please). My idea would be to have one person of the couple date the potential third person for a while and then the third person could start dating the other member of the original couple too before the triad is formed. I thought this might help reduce the stress on all involved but idk.

This kind of arrangement doesn’t really work, because it puts all sorts of prescriptions, demands, and expectations on the “third person” to date the other partner if they like one partner.

Think about how hard it is to find someone you ‘click’ with - someone you enjoy dating and want to be in a relationship with. Now imagine that you’re dating someone, and they go “also, as part of a PACKAGE DEAL, when you date me, you also date this other person! Who you didn’t get to choose, they’re just also here!”

It puts a lot of pressure on the “third” to like this other person. Even if you say you want to “take things slow” or “let things be organic,” there’s a major expectation there that “once you’re ready, you’ll start dating this person too!” What if they’re never ready? Most people I meet are not people I end up wanting to date. Simply being a partner of one of my partners doesn’t automatically make someone a perfectly eligible candidate for me. 

Almost no one likes being told who to date; there’s a reason arranged marriage is no longer in vogue for the most part. So this isn’t a very realistic plan, I’m afraid, since it requires someone essentially assigning a partner to someone else.

Ultimately, relationships are healthiest when they form organically, not out plans, arrangements, timelines, or prescriptions. If three people want to all date each other, let that happen. If it’s ultimately healthier and more sensible for a V-shape to form, well, it might be better to make that work than to try and force human relationships into an arrangement they’re not well suited for.

Check out this post, where I addressed a similar situation. Person A asking Person B and Person C to date is almost never sustainable or sensible.

I'm worried my girlfriend will end up marrying her other partner

I've been in a LD polyamorous relationship for almost two years. My girlfriend has a boyfriend (who I'm friends with) who she’s been with for much longer. I have problems dealing with insecurity, overthinking and jealousy of their daily life together. Despite her not wanting formalized relationships nor children, I have a brooding feeling that her boyfriend will eventually propose to her and they will end up married. For me it's a declaration of a personal choice of the better partner, also unlocking many societal privileges. I simply don't want to date anyone's wife. I'm feeling very uncomfortable with those thoughts and I'm afraid of talking about this subject. I think that informing my girlfriend of my inability to continue our relationship if she gets married is wrong, because I will be forcing her to make a choice between her partners: either end our relationship or reject her partner's eventual engagement.

You’re afraid of something that hasn’t happened yet. Try not to let your fear of the projected future color your present; it’s not worth much to you to get upset over the consequences of something that has not happened yet.

You say that you’re afraid to talk to your partner about this subject, but that’s what you need to do. It’s up to you to make a call for yourself that you don’t want to date anyone who is married, because of what marriage symbolizes to you. You can tell her, “I’d like to know where your thoughts are about marriage or eventually getting engaged to Pilanzer. Have you two talked about that? Do you see yourself marrying him someday?” If she seems to feel that the two of them are on the road to marriage, you can make the choice that you don’t want to date someone who’s moving toward marrying someone else.

You’re not forcing her to choose; you’re making a choice about your own behavior. You can decide not to date someone if their other relationship has a dynamic that makes you uncomfortable. Don’t frame it as “promise me you won’t marry him, or else I’ll leave you.” It’s “I have realized it’s not healthy or comfortable for me to be in a relationship with someone where marriage is part of the equation or future plans.”

It’s entirely possible that she could tell you “oh, no, Pilanzer and I totally don’t intend to get married,” and then in a few years that could change, and she could decide she wants to get engaged. Or, she could tell you “yes, he and I are thinking that if things continue as they are, we will eventually be married,” you’ll end the relationship, and then she doesn’t end up marrying him. No one can control or predict the future. Your job is to do your best with what you have and what you know now, in the present, not to try and prevent some hypothetical future thing from happening.

It may also be worth thinking about, reading about, and talking with her about your perception of what marriage means. You may have some assumptions or projections attached to the concept of marriage that are worth dismantling or examining. Is your perception of how marriage will change things accurate? If your partner were to get engaged, would she experience it as “declaring her personal choice of a better partner,” or are you reading a message there that isn’t being sent? Does she expect that whatever life-partnership and societal-benefits marriage confers will also, eventually, be shared with you, once your separate relationship with her gets to a point where you two want to be so committed?

In the end, though, only you get to decide what kind of relationship is healthy for you. But you need to have enough information to make an informed choice. This requires having an open conversation with your partner, asking her for help understanding her intentions and expectations for the future and how she frames and understands her multiple relationships. Once you’ve had that conversation, you have to make your decision. It’s not forcing her to choose; and it’s not definitively protecting yourself against any future you won’t like. It’s you taking whatever path seems right for you based on what you know right now.

How do I stay relaxed through the early stages of new polyamory?

Hi there! My partner and I are in our first truly poly relationships, but emphasis on "first". Firsts are scary. I know I want to do this, I'm just worried about jealousy feels. We have great communication and I feel good about things, I'm just new to this. What can I do to be more relaxed when I know my partner is hanging out with someone they're interested in?

One “thought exercise” I often recommend to people is to imagine yourself in your partner’s situation. You’re out on a date, with a new person. They’re cool and funny and cute! Are you thinking “boy howdy, this person is so great, it’s making me completely question my affection for my current partner! I’m totally dreading going home to this person I used to like but now, after this date, definitely don’t like anymore!”

Probably not. (And if you anticipate this thought pattern in your partner because you see it in yourself, consider that you may not be ready for healthy polyamory right now!) If you have the capacity to like and date other people without your desires for your current partner being threatened, it’s not a very big leap to assume that your partner can also do that!

Other things you can do to be more relaxed: find a distraction! Plan your own movie night with friends, or video-game marathon, or whatever else, when your partner is going out with people. Don’t be sitting at home letting your anxieties run wild about what they’re doing and feeling and thinking, out there, without you, and when are they coming home??? Do something fun and engaging that helps remind that little anxious part of your brain that you are a complete and independent person, capable of finding joy without your partner’s involvement.

One thing I don’t recommend is relying on rigid rules or structure to help yourself relax. If you say “I’ll feel secure if you text me every hour on the hour during your date AND you come home before midnight AND you never go past kissing on a first date,” then you’re setting yourself up to feel stressed out and agonizing over every hour-mark; and you will feel betrayed and unsafe if your partner misses a text or the date goes in a different direction than they expected. If you put out there for yourself that “if XYZ happens, I’ll be BETRAYED,” then you just established a condition under which you can feel let down and betrayed, and now it’s possible that it could happen, and it’ll be a huge mess. People don’t work well under conditions like that; nor do relationships. Don’t set that up for yourself.

I found out my partner has a "thing" with a former lover of his, and I'm not sure it's a healthy situation

I'm in a poly relationship with a guy, we talked about his other partners. Fast forward to months later and I'm talking to him about a former lover, encouraging him to talk to her despite my terror/insecurity of his feelings for her. But he's comfortable with his heartache about her. She's married to a monogamous man and happy. I asked questions about them and their history. During this he casually said they occasionally have a Thing via the internet. I wasn't happy about it but didn't berate him, only stated clearly that he should have told me that when we discussed metamours. But I'm bothered. I'm wondering now why he didn't tell me then. Her husband is why they broke up after trying poly. But now I'm wondering if he knows about them having their occasional Thing at all. If not, I'm not okay with that. But I don't know what to do. I'm still not sure what I want to do. If they're cheating I can't condone it. I don't want to leave him. I'm just feeling lost and heartaching.

The main issue here is that your partner is doing something that seems sketchy or not entirely above board here, because A.) he didn’t disclose to you the whole story about this former lover when you first talked about her, and B.) you’re not sure whether this is an open and consensual polyamorous arrangement for all parties involved.

This is something to bring up with your partner: “In order for me to feel like my polyamorous relationships are safe and healthy, it’s important for me to that the extended network that I’m involved in has a shared commitment to openness. This “thing” that you have with your former lover - can we talk about the terms of that? Does her husband know? It also bothers me that I didn’t get the whole story the first time we talked about her. Can we revisit our expectations and commitments around honesty and openness?”

It’s up to you how you react to his response. If he insists on continuing to have a relationship that you don’t want to be party to, even as a metamour, then you have to decide whether that’s a dealbreaker for you.

I'd like to try polyamory, but I'm worried about the impact on other partners if I decide to stick with monogamy

I really like the idea and concept of polyamory but I'm scared that if I try it and decide I'd rather go back to being exclusive with my original partner that it'll be too unfair. Is that normal or is that being selfish?

You’ve set up a false dichotomy in your question, there - that is both normal and selfish. It is really common for monogamous couples to try “opening up” their relationship, decide that didn’t work for them, and “close it back up.”

In theory, this is fine - it’s totally okay to try things and decide you don’t like them. That is, in fact, the point of trying things. You’re not obligated to do something forever just because you wanted to try it.

But in reality, this creates a lot of pain and heartbreak for the other people involved. Imagine if someone started dating you, and then, for a reason that you have zero control over, on the whims of someone else, just dropped you. It hurts! This pattern is often referred to as “couples privilege” in the polyamorous community. 

That’s not to say that it can’t or shouldn’t be done. Just that you should be careful, self-aware, and go into it with very clear, honest, open terms and expectations. Do as much self-work as possible in the beginning, unpack your own baggage, get your own house in order. Talk with your partner about best and worse case scenarios. Daydream together about what you’d like. Strategize together about meeting needs.

If you do decide to take this step, make sure anyone you date knows that your relationship with your partner takes priority and may ultimately be a threat. Be patient about the fact that you’ll have a hard time finding someone to date on those terms. Consider starting out with something casual, identified as a fling or no-strings-attached arrangement. Be as gentle and giving as possible with any other person you date or sleep with. Keep them informed about where you are emotionally, and give them space to express where they are.

Or, you could realize that you’re just not at a point yet where you trust yourself to be healthy in any potential polyamorous relationship. If you feel that your concern about protecting your existing relationship will overshadow your ability to be flexible and healthy in another relationship, it’s totally okay to decide that that takes priority, and you’re not ready to try polyamory right now.