I started dating a man, but his wife has made things really complicated - is there a way to stay with him but avoid the drama?

For about two or so months, I was in a "V" polyamorous relationship with a much older married man. His wife is much younger than me. He and I both had one-on-one conversations with her and we even had a group conversation about the dynamics right up front when he and I discovered we had feelings for each other. She said up front, on several occasions, she was okay with it. It gave her a chance to have her space as--her words--he was "incredibly needy". As the weeks went on and we continued to see each other, she started becoming very jealous, accusatory, saying mean and snide things to him about me or to him about himself. He would constantly check in with her when she'd make these awful comments and make sure she was still okay with things. It all came to a head about a week and a half ago. And he attempted to break it off with me. I accepted it, but he didn't want to let go. Resorting to social media to put me on public blast for moving on. I forgave him. Now, we've resumed some semblance of a relationship, but without his wife's knowledge. I know I am complicit in this, and thus, a guilty party, but I'm wondering if there's someway else better to handle this? We love and care about each other. And we want to be together. I've never once asked him to leave his wife or gave him ultimatums. It's been her doing. I find her very controlling, emotionally abusive, she gaslighted me and him. I want to be with him, but I also don't like the secrets and the affair-esque, don't ask don't tell dynamic.

Facts: You only dated this guy for about two months. This guy is the kind of person to try and break up with you, then use social media to publicly shame you for moving on. Dating him comes with all the baggage and drama of his wife. You don't like the dynamic the relationship currently has.

WALK AWAY. This is not a healthy relationship. I promise you can find someone who is just as funny or sexy or interesting or thrilling who is also more mature and doesn't make unreasonable demands and put you in unpleasant situations. The better way to handle this is to stop putting up with his nonsense.

There is nothing you can do to change his behavior or make his choices for him, you can just decide whether you want to be part of this disaster of a situation. If you decide to stay, you'll need to accept that staying will include dealing with his wife's tantrums, his propensity for social media drama, and the fact that this is now a cheating situation instead of consensual non-monogamy. 

I told my bf something his wife had told me a while back about the reason she stays with him and now he’s really hurt and crushed and I feel really guilty for ever telling him and he keeps going on and on about how he wanted to be with her forever and stuff and I feel really conflicted because earlier before I had told him I wanted to marry him and he said he wanted to marry me too and now I feel stupid for saying that and I regret saying either thing. I just feel like an idiot.

There isn’t really a question here - but it sounds like you’ve gotten yourself into a spot of drama. In general, telling someone a thing that someone else told you is a good way to start drama, even if telling them was the right thing to do. Sometimes, drama is unavoidable. Sometimes it’s an inevitable consequence of doing something you needed to do. Other times, it’s entirely avoidable and the consequence of someone making a bad call.

No one mistake defines a person - you can be someone who didn’t use great judgment at one point in your past, and that just makes you human. Exactly nobody is their best self 100% of the time. So maybe you messed up and created a messy situation - do your best to fix it, apologize to who you need to apologize to, figure out how to prevent it from happening again. Say you didn’t mess up and you feel your bf did genuinely need to know what his wife said - stick to your principles but don’t do anything further to escalate the situation.

Remember that drama, hurt feelings, fights, etc. are entirely survivable. They feel miserable, and you might feel shame, regret, guilt, anger, frustration, exhaustion, or any other thing - but those will not kill you. You can ride this out. Even if the drama is of Epic Proportions and it ends a relationship, you’ll still live through it. Try to find some humor - will any of this make a good story someday? - or, if there really isn’t anything remotely enjoyable in the drama, look for a lesson to be learned and a way to improve in the future, even if all you learn is “I can feel really, really bad, and still get through it.” 

I’ve been dating this girl for about 2m now. Her husband has decided that “they” aren’t poly anymore since he got dumped, and now she’s thinking about leaving him(for more than that btw). I like her but I did not sign up for this much drama. Help?

Ah, the motto of all reasonable polyamorists everywhere: “I like [them] but I did not sign up for this much drama.” It really comes down to how much you’re willing to put up with.

I think you would be well within your rights to take some distance from this new relationship and let her know you’d be happy to pick back up once she gets some of her drama sorted out. Of course, she would be well within her rights to decide that since you can’t be there to support her during tough times, she doesn’t feel like finding you again once she’s more convenient to date.

I think you would also be well within your rights to stay with her and just do your best to stay out of the drama. Set boundaries with her that feel comfortable to you, and let their issues be their issues. If she insists on letting it affect your relationship in ways you don’t have the patience for, walk away. 

Only you know what your specific drama tolerance is right now, and whether this relationship is worth it to you - once you figure it out, you just have to act. Good luck!