I agreed to try polyamory, but as the relationship progressed, it felt worse

I've been monogamous my whole life and when I met him he was never in a poly relationship before. When we started talking a year ago I told him that I'd try it, but when I fell in love with him I feel like everything changed. He doesn't want a relationship with other people, he told me he wants a physical relationship with them. But I can't help but feel jealous and insecure about it. I just feel numb and stressed.

In general, if something in your life makes you feel "numb and stressed" - a job, a movie, a relationship, an event - you should take major steps to get yourself out of that situation.

The first step is to talk to your partner about how you feel. You agreed to try polyamory, but have discovered that it isn't working for you. He might be willing to close the relationship for the sake of your relationship. But he might not. It hurts to have to end a relationship because of a fundamental incompatibility, but it happens. That's the point of dating - to figure out whether you're compatible. It's why we don't get married at the first spark of interest.

You have learned a lot about what does and doesn't work for you. Now you have to act on that information.

We agreed to open our relationship, but that was years ago

My wife and I have decided to open our marriage a couple of years ago. We never acted on in because in our area it's hard to find people who are open to the relationship. A couple of months ago I started talking to another woman. Well in that couple of months I've started developing feelings for her. Would I be over stepping my bounds if I were to tell her so, or should I talk to my wife about it?

You should talk to your wife about this first. Don't rely on an agreement you made years ago to have gone completely unchanged in the meantime. I'm sure I agreed to things in 2015 that I would not like to be held to today! Open relationships require lots of communication; it's not a one-and-done sort of thing.

So bring it up again - "hey, remember when we talked about opening our marriage? I know it never really worked out for us to put that agreement into practice, but I'm in a situation now where I might actually want to try dating someone else. Let's talk about it again, now in the context of where we are today, what might have changed, and our specific situation right now."

My partner doesn't pay me much attention anymore - should we try polyamory?

My girlfriend doesn't pay me much attention anymore but we're still very much in love. I've always been interested in being polyam but she seems less enthusiastic. I feel like this could be the way to save our relationship but am I just stringing out a painful end?

Opening a relationship does not save it. If you're already having problems, those will most likely be magnified and exacerbated by the opening of the relationship. 

The solution isn't to find someone who can pay you attention and fill in the gaps of your unmet needs - but to talk to your girlfriend about the issues you're having. Be as specific and actionable as possible.

For example, "Please pay more attention to me" is a lot less helpful than something like "Last night, when we hung out, you were on your phone the whole time. I feel like we aren't spending as much quality time together as I'd like lately. Can we plan an evening soon where we give each other our undivided attention?" or "For a while now, it's always me who texts you to make plans and takes all the initiative - can we talk about what's going on? It's starting to bother me and I'd like to know whether you can commit to doing more to show me you care."

Think also about whether something has changed in her life that might be taking her attention away. If she moved farther away, got a new job, has been sick or especially stressed, etc. then you might have to approach things a bit differently. Finding out how to get your needs met without asking her for what she can't give right now may take some creativity and compromise as well as open communication.

Work on the "attention" problem first. Either figure out how to re-right this listing relationship, or identify what your dealbreakers are and commit to ending the relationship if you're not getting what you need. Once this has been addressed (one way or another), then it'll be a much healthier time to start thinking and talking about your own interest in polyamory.

How can I talk to my husband about the OPP in our relationship?

I saw your last post about the OPP and realize that’s what me and my husband have. Do you have any resources on how my husband can get over his hangups over the OPP? I want to help him work through this because I love him so much and want to stay married to him, but I also don’t want to not be who I am.

The two articles linked in my longest post on this issue are the ones I'd endorse as starting points.

Start from a place of openness and gentleness, asking questions to help both of you understand where his OPP is coming from. Help each other give language to your needs, your desires, how you see your relationship, how you frame the openness of the relationship, your fears, etc. For a lot of people, being asked to explain just what threatens them about a man vs a woman helps them realize that there isn't really anything they can identify - it's just an underlying assumption they never questioned.

For a long time, I thought I didn't like coffee cake. I can't stand coffee, and coffee cake seemed to always go with coffee. Adults liked it, and I didn't like adult things like almonds and red wine and mushrooms. I kinda figured it tasted like coffee, and the crumbly bits on top looked like other things I don't like. So I just moved through life as a person who didn't like coffee cake. I turned it down when it was offered and never thought much about it otherwise. Until someone asked me: "you don't like coffee cake? Why?" And I said "Well I don't like coffee, so..." and they explained that coffee cake tastes like cinnamon and sugar and loveliness. And so I tried some. And now I like coffee cake. Well, now I know that I like coffee cake.

The point is that we all move through life with assumptions that we think are empirical facts, but are really just things we absorbed somewhere that may or may not be true. They're amalgamations of messages we've gotten from other people, from the media, one-off experiences, and misinterpretations. A lot of beliefs that stem from mono-normativity and hetero-normativity and cis-normativity fall into this category. They seem true because they seem true. But they don't stand up to actual scrutiny. 

All that said, keep in mind that although there are lots of good articles out there about how to interrogate and challenge the mindset that leads to OPPs, it's best to let go of "get your husband to get over his hangups" as a goal. You can have the perfect conversation, share with him the ideal article, have a wonderful metaphor in your head, be totally awesome at deconstructing the ideas behind OPPs - and there's still no guarantee that you can change another person's mind. For a lot of people, those internalized assumptions are their truth, and the feelings and values attached to them are just too strong.

Stay focused on what you can control - your own choices. If he won't or can't change what his boundaries are, and if a relationship with those conditions isn't healthy or fulfilling for you, then you may need to make some changes for yourself.

I'm a writer looking for insight into polyamory

I'm a writer trying to portray a polyamorous triad between my three main characters. Is there any advice you could give about how these feelings develop?

As far as I can say, romantic and sexual feelings develop for triads about the same way they develop for pairs. It's unique to every individual, but there will be those butterflies, flirting, trying to suss out mutual interest, etc. that you typically see in a budding romance. Then, forming the triad will take some communication and intentionality, but there's no special secret ingredient that goes into polyamorous attraction. 

I've answered a similar question here, and I recommend checking out my FAQ page on polyamorous representation in fiction, as well as my general resources on polyamory here.

Some other writers have put together guides on writing polyamorous characters - remember that people can only speak for their own individual experiences, so be informed and intentional and never rely on one single source!

Where can I find more info about this blog's thoughts on OPPs?

Do you have more resources, on or about your perspective in the "one penis policy" thing?

My non-tumblr homepage has a search feature on the right side of the page - so anyone curious for more from me on a specific topic can start there! I've written about OPP style thinking a few times, but here is the post where I include some links and discuss my personal perspective on this topic.

I brought up polyamory with my fiance, and he tried to kill himself.

I’m in a committed relationship with my fiancé. Recently I’ve been putting some pieces together and I realized that I am likely polyamorous. I told my fiancé, who has a lot of mental health and self esteem issues, and he tried to kill himself. If I end the relationship I’m scared of what he might do. If I stay, I’ll either remain monogamous and feel like I might be ignoring part of myself. Or I’ll date other people and he’ll continue to hate himself. What should I do?

Any situation where a person makes you feel like their suicide attempts or self harm are in response to your actions, and holds you emotionally hostage by making you responsible for their choices is not a healthy situation. You need professional help, and fast. 

A suicide attempt is serious and not something for you to try and manage on your own. If you haven't already, please seek professional help for yourself, and strongly encourage your fiance to do the same. You can sit with him to call providers, help him look up providers covered by his insurance, etc. - but your immediate goal is to connect him to someone else who is better equipped to support him as a suicidal person. If you're concerned about his safety in the moment, call a suicide hotline or local crisis center, and they can help guide you. Do not take this on by yourself.

Staying in a relationship because you're "scared of what he might do" if you leave is not a good or safe reason to stay. Your goals right now should be to figure out what it would take for this relationship to be safe and healthy for you - if anything. Start a conversation with love but firmness, saying something like "you responding to my honesty about my needs and desires with a suicide attempt should be a wake-up call for us that something major needs to change. We need to figure out what you need to stay safe - you need to start working on these issues right away. I can help you find a therapist if you need me to. And we should probably see a polya-informed couples counselor."

Or, honestly, you can decide that this is enough of a dangerous red flag that you can't do it anymore. You're not obligated to stay with someone just because it would really hurt them if you left. If you feel that remaining monogamous would be unhealthy for you, and your fiance has made it clear that any attempts to even talk about this issue will blow up into crises, it's okay to walk away. Reach out to friends or family who can support him, connect him with a mental healthcare provider, and then take a large step back. You are not singlehandedly responsible for his choices, and you are not his therapist. Don't get stuck believing that you are. 

My fiance won't discuss polyamory with me, but I really want to

I really want to bring up polya to my fiance again, but last time we ended up separating for a month. But I feel so...not me and idk what to do.

Don't stay in a relationship that makes you feel "not you." A healthy relationship lets you fully express the whole of who you are, in a positive and growthful way. If you feel like this because you can't live into your polyamory, maybe this relationship isn't for you. And it sounds like your fiance is very very mono. That's fine - it doesn't mean that your fiance is bad, or wrong, just that you two aren't compatible. It's a sad and frustrating thing to learn, but it's good information to have before you decide to get married.

My metamour is much older than me, and I'm not sure how to relate to her

Advice on how to relate with a much-older metamour? I am 25, and I have just started seeing someone who is 35 and whose live-in partner is 42. He has other partners as well who are closer to me in age but none that he lives with. I want to be able to cultivate a good relationship with my metamour but I am not sure how to do that when she is closer in age to my parents than me! We have shared interests, and we all feel very positively about each other form what I can tell. No jealousy barriers.

There's a fine line between "being prepared" and "searching out trouble." If it's not an issue right now, try to relax! Focus on your shared interests and your shared partner. Don't make things awkward by bringing up the age difference or pointing out that the metamour is closer in age to your parents than you. 

Don't "fake it." If she brings up a band, television show, or other element of pop culture that's unfamiliar to you, just say you're not familiar with it and let the conversation move on. Be open to sharing - if she lends you a book, read it; if she recommends a movie, watch it. Same on the other side: be willing to share your world with her and be patient and gracious when there's a gap in her knowledge. In general, just be cool!

You two don't need to be best friends, and it's fair to expect that with the generational difference, there are some ways in which you won't be able to relate to each other. But you can be friendly even if you're not bets friends! If things are going smoothly now, and your mutual partner hasn't expressed any concerns about you coming off as aloof or immature or whatever, try to relax and just let this relationship be what it needs to be. 

Some FAQ-answerable questions

This girl that I've been friends with for years asked me to do a threesome with her and her boyfriend, who I've come to like as well (not sure how much I feel for him yet). I went through with it and it went really well. I hear polyamorous relationships are like equal love triangles where each two love each other. I kinda want to bring up the topic with them. But I'm afraid that I'm just lusting after her boyfriend since I don't know him as well. Can polyamory be one girl just having 2 loves?

Yes, that is called V-shaped polyamory. In this case, the girl you're talking about would be the center point, or "hinge," of the V, and you and her boyfriend would be the other points. You're both romantically connected to her, but not to each other. There are lots of ways to be polyamorous and practice polyamory - check out my resources here.

So, how does polyamory work? I know it’s a relation with more than two people, but after that I don’t quite understand. Do the three or more people all love each other romantically (and possibly love each other equally) or is it where one or the other first two people each date separate people (those separate people don’t live the other of the first two)? Or, could it be both ways?

Both arrangements that you're describing fall under the umbrella of polyamory. To learn more about the first style that you described, try searching for the terms "closed," "triad," or "polyfidelity" in the context of polyamory. For the second, try searching for the terms "hinge," "V-shaped polyamory," or "polycule" in the context of polyamory. Check out my resources here.

My partner only wants me to date women, but I also want to date men

Is it normal/fair for my boyfriend of a year and a half (who has been pushing for us to attempt poly/open relationship since we started dating) to restrict me from dating my preferred sex while he can still date his preferred sex? I feel this tears at me because he encourages me to be with women, but the idea of being open is also making me attracted to men and the whole ordeal is causing some inner turmoil for me.

Is it normal? If you define "normal" as "common," then yes - this sounds like a "one penis policy" or "one dick rule," and those are relatively common. Does that make it fair or okay? No. It's not really a good benchmark for appropriate behavior to ask whether other people do it. 

I think such "restrictions" in open relationships are pretty stupid - they betray a lot of assumptions on the part of the person setting them that aren't really based on reality and are pretty arbitrary. There is nothing about sex with a man that is more emotionally threatening than sex with a woman, unless you decide that it is, because you think that it is, because your perspective is warped by weird misconceptions about gender and sexuality. Your partner thinks he is keeping himself "safe" from something if you only date women - but that makes no sense. Safe from what, exactly? Those misconceptions deserve to be interrogated rather than indulged. 

So now you have me, an internet advice blogger, confirming what you already know: that these relationship terms are not working for you. The problem is not you being unreasonable while your partner asks something entirely fair, reasonable, and valid. Now your job is to do something with this information. Have a chat with your partner about where this comes from and what the two of you can do to help address the real root of his feelings and fears - not by scapegoating an arbitrary trait of potential partners. And if he continues to hold that something is non-negotiable when it's really bothering you, then you have clear information about whether the terms of this relationship will work for you.

Am I still polyamorous if I only want to be polyamorous with certain people?

Can I be poly if I only want to be with certain people. I'm not poly in general but I'm in love with multiple people, like I'm only poly for them if that makes sense. Does that count?

That is exactly what being polyamorous means. Being polyamorous means you are interested in a relationship with multiple specific people, not everyone on the entire planet! 

Monogamous people don't think "hm, I can't see myself in a monogamous person with my hairdresser or my coworker - maybe I'm not really mono!" Straight men don't think "oh no, there are women out there who I don't want to date - do I count as a straight man?"

Of course you only want to date the people you want to date. Of course you can only see yourself being polyamorous with the people you want to date polyamorously. That's totally fine. You're in love with the people you're in love with - and it happens to be multiple people - so you're polyamorous. It doesn't matter how you feel about anyone else! 

Sure, maybe there are people you'd be happy in a monogamous relationship with. But forget about the maybes. In this reality, in this universe, you're in love with multiple people and want to be in a polyamorous relationship with them. That's all the information you need!

My husband and I want a girlfriend, but not to have sex with.

Can you have a poly relationship without having sex? My husband and I really want a girlfriend but don’t want sexual intercourse.

I mean, sure - the world is a rich tapestry and there probably exists someone who wants to date a couple without having sex with them. But it might be a tough sell for most people. 

I'd encourage you and your husband to think about what you really mean when you say "poly relationship" and "girlfriend." What, exactly, do you want? And how would that differ from someone who is a very close friend of you two? 

My partner and I have a best friend who my partner has known since he was 14 and I've known since I was 16. We both adore this guy and would go to the ends of the earth for him. He went to high school with my partner and went to college with me. We've all lived together before. We take road trips together. We have each other's backs, we chat frequently, we are emotionally and personally intimate, we are devoted to each other. But my partner and I don't consider him our "boyfriend," nor do we see it as a dating or romantic relationship. It has almost all the hallmarks of one - but not all, so we just let the relationship be what it is and defined the way that works best. Sure, sometimes "friend" feels a little weenie as a term for how much we mean to each other, but we know how our relationship works and what it is, and that matters more. 

So consider sitting down and very clearly defining what you want. What kind of intimacy and commitment are you hoping for? And why? What does sexual intercourse or the lack thereof mean to you two? Try to understand your ideal situation. Then, step back and ask yourselves if it's realistic to ask that of another human being.

For example, if you don't want her to have sex with either of you but you want her to be fully committed to you two (not date or have sex with anyone else), realize that's just an inappropriate and completely unrealistic thing to ask or expect.

If you want someone who can strengthen your relationship by just always being there to listen and provide emotional support, who can understand you two deeply and is personally invested in your well-being, look into a couples' counselor - not a girlfriend. 

If you want someone who shares your interests and wants to come over a few nights a week to lounge around, play board games, and watch Black Mirror, then maybe you just need a friend. In this case, pitching it as "girlfriend" will actually make it harder, not easier, to find what you're looking for. 

My partner cheated on me, and now wants me to be okay with him dating the other person, who is also cheating on their other partner

My boyfriend and I were in a part-poly relationship where we’d see people together (both male and female) only he went behind my back and cheated on me several times with another woman. He still wants her in his life and me, yet I don’t want to be anywhere that she is and don’t really want to be in a relationship that she is. She is also in a ‘poly’ relationship - I put in inverted commas because her partner isn’t in the know about anything. What advice can you offer?

Well this is an easy one. Leave this relationship, friend! Your partner violated the terms of your relationship, is now pushing you to do something you absolutely do not want to do, and wants to involve you in a very unhealthy relationship dynamic with the woman he cheated on you with who is also cheating on her other partner.

Sure, there's a small chance that you can resolve this with the all-mighty power of communication. You could sit your partner down and explain how hurt you were that he went behind your back and did something that the two of you did not agree to, and that the thing he's asking you to do is unhealthy and unreasonable. And there's a chance that he goes "oh, my goodness, you're right, I should not have cheated and I should not be pushing you to get involved in a deeply unhealthy situation, and I will stop that immediately, and begin therapy and self-work to understand what assumptions and entitlements led me to make these bad choices so I can heal this relationship."

But honestly, that seems very unlikely and probably not worth the extensive emotional effort it would take on your part. So my advice is to walk away. This guy is not good at respecting your feelings and boundaries in this relationship, so stop being in the relationship. 

My partner wants to have unprotected sex with a new partner, and I'm not comfortable with that

I’ve been dating a man for a year and he’s shown interest in an old flame of his. He wants to have unprotected sex with her. How do I tell him I feel uncomfortable with him having unprotected sex with this person (despite the both of them being tested and coming back clean)? The relationship feels too new to add another person (of that year of us dating was me waiting for his NRE with his other partner to die down) much less have unprotected sex with someone. Any advice?

There are two completely different issues in your question: 1.) that you don't want him having unprotected sex with other people and 2.) that you feel that your relationship isn't in a place where him starting up a new relationship will be healthy.

They're two different issues, but they actually have the same solution - talk to him! Tell him exactly what you told me: that safe sex is an absolute non-negotiable for you in this arrangement, and that you would not be comfortable dating him if he has unprotected sex with other people. This one shouldn't really be a conversation, it's you informing him of your boundary and what you'll need to do to keep yourself safe if that boundary is crossed. If this is non-negotiable for you, don't negotiate about it. 

Then, probably in another conversation, let him know that you had a hard time waiting out his NRE with another partner and worry about the impact on your relationship if he starts up a new relationship. Give specific examples of the way his NRE-influenced behavior impacted you and what you're concerned about this time around. This one should have more back-and-forth where you two both express where you're coming from and hopefully find a way forward that lets him pursue the relationships he's interested in while making sure your needs are met. 

I brought up polyamory, and my partner responded violently

I recently expressed my interest in a poly relationship (specifically a triad) and he kinda flipped out. He called me a slut and punched a hole in the inside door of our car. We haven't really spoke of it since, and I'm not sure what to do. He keeps making pokes at me about it trying to make me feel bad.

This is not an issue of polyamory - this is an issue of abuse. A man who calls you names, damages property to demonstrate his anger, and insults you to try and make you feel bad is not a safe or healthy man. This is not your fault for bringing up a conversational topic he didn't like. This is his fault. He is being dangerous and cruel and you need to leave this relationship.

Check out my resources here. And good luck. You don't deserve to be treated like this. 

I like having this guy in my life, but he makes me feel like I'm not special to him in a way that I want to be

So I have 2 partners, one romantic who I'm madly in love, and the other sexual with whom I practice BDSM. So this guy has a lot, and I mean a lot, of other partners, but I'm the only one who gives him the sex he loves (and that I love). We have been on and off for a couple of months and he is the one that always comes back crawling, which makes me think I'm important in his life and not just another girl. At least I thought so, but for the past week we have been fighting a lot, he has been really rough on me, and is speaking about the others. I'm starting to feel just like any other girl, like I'm not special at all. I really don't know what to do. I really like what we have and i know it will always be sex, but I would like to have a special spot. I don't know how to tell him this, I don't want to push him or to make him think I want something more. But I love feeling important for someone.

Letter writer, I am going to be a bit less gentle with you than I usually am, not because you deserve it, but because I myself recently got untangled from a very similar situation - down to some specific details, it's almost creepy - and I now have zero patience for guys like that and the weird lose-lose knots they tangle their partners up in.

You want something this guy cannot and will not give you. He will not prioritize you or give you a special spot in his life. You need to walk away from this and seek something that will be healthier and happier for you in the long run. 

You're caught in a trap of his that I know very well: this feeling that "I'd like to get more of this guy's time/affection/attention, but if I ask for more, I will actually get less - because he will pull away, deny me, or see me as 'clingy.' So my choices are to get some of what I want, or none of what I want. It therefore makes sense to settle for some rather than throwing out the some and taking none because I want more."

That is sound logic if we're talking about, say, cupcakes. If someone hands you a mini cupcake and you say "no! I wanted a bigger cupcake!" and throw it away, then you've just made your problem - not enough cupcake - worse. But this guy isn't a mini cupcake. He's a guy who is treating you in a way that makes you feel bad. You don't deserve that. You deserve more.

You say you "don't want to make him think you want more," but you do want more. You're tiptoeing around his feelings because he has you convinced that if you ask anything, if you have any needs, if you express desire for anything beyond exactly what he's willing to give, he'll spook. That's a crappy place to be in. Don't let him keep you there. Set your standards higher. You're allowed to ask things of your partners.

Trust me. As great as that sex is, it's not worth it. All the fun that this guy provides, you're telling yourself it's worth the frustration and the disappointment and the fighting and the breaking up and all that. It is not. Make yourself a Fetlife account, spend some time describing what you're into, check out local BDSM scene events, find some local "personal ads" groups on Fetlife, and you'll find someone who can light your fire without burning you out. 

I'm dating two people, but one of them has dependency & insecurity issues that give me pause

I recently entered into a polyamorous relationship with two people, T and S, who have consistently made it clear that their relationship is an open one. Upon starting our relationship, I quickly became aware that S has mounting insecurities and fears, and is completely unable to be by herself. She has a low sense of self-worth and individuality. T and I are unable to spend time together without running the risk of her having a nervous breakdown or a panic attack. She can quickly revert to a child-like state, assuming malice on T and I's part, assuming that we are trying to oust her. This is despite her reassurances that she is naturally poly and not monogamous. Despite the fact that I have put in a lot of effort to form my own relationship with her. And despite the fact that none of T and I's dates are without her knowing. There is no conspiracy against her, and we have been as transparent as possible when communicating with her. She has become so naturally dependent on T that I doubt her ability to function as an adult if they were to break up. So my questions are: Is it possible to be in a healthy polyamorous relationship with someone who is that uncomfortable being alone? Is it possible to be in a healthy monogamous relationship with someone who is that uncomfortable being alone?

I am not able to say in the general case whether it is ever possible for anyone to be in that kind of relationship in a healthy way. But that's not really what you need to know. You need to know whether it's healthy for you to be in this relationship.

If S's behavior is preventing you from having a healthy relationship with her and/or with T, then it's not a healthy situation for you. Whether such a situation could potentially be healthy at some point for some person is irrelevant. Don't get stuck around trying to wait out or resolve something that's not working for you because some blogger said that it's possible for it to work.

Talk with T about the way catering to S's emotional demands is impacting you, and what your needs and boundaries are. If your needs can't be met or your boundaries can't be respected due to S, then it's not a healthy situation for you.

Sure, maybe some other hypothetical person would feel fulfilled by helping S feel secure, or is emotionally wired such that S's dependence doesn't bother them. The world is a rich tapestry and it's not for me to say that S is someone with whom no one could ever have a healthy relationship. But you have information about what is healthy for you, so act on that rather than my hypotheticals. 

Someone in our local polyamorous community is spreading lies about me and my partner

I'm in a healthy relationship of almost three years with someone, but he was in a toxic relationship with an ex who asked we never talk to her again. I feel like we can't engage in the poly community because she's talked shit about my partner. She's made so much noise that people are telling my friends to stop associating with us, even though all of the things they "know" about us are from her perspective. She's burning our bridges before we even know they exist. Is there even anything I can do?

Unfortunately, this happens - not just within polyamorous communities, but also in queer communities and kink scenes and plenty of other types of communities. I've seen this happen before, to myself and to people I'm close to. The best thing to do is to keep your chin up and your head down. Don't engage with the gossip or do anything that would prove this person "right." Be responsible and healthy and genuine, and the people who can see clearly will be able to see the truth. In the end, the person spreading lies and starting drama will not come out on top.

You may want to be a tiny bit proactive - when meeting a new person, say "I just want to mention that there are some rumors going around about me, so if you hear something that concerns you, I'd be happy to talk about it and clear things up." Be judicious about this, though - it could backfire and just send a red flag that you're a source of drama and gossip. So save it for when you really do think this person will hear the rumors and seems like the type to take you at your word and bring it up for honest communication.  

Your best bet though, as frustrating as it will be, is to just wait this out. People come and go through communities, rumors burn hot and then burn out, and if you're doing the right thing, you'll come out on top. You'll probably miss out on a few potential friendships and relationships because of poorly timed gossip, but that's unavoidable even if there isn't someone out to poison the well against you. 

some FAQ answerable questions

Hi I’m 16 and not sure if I’m poly or not. I always thought I wasn’t until literally tonight when I considered it and realized that maybe I would like a poly relationship. How do I know? And how do I experiment without hurting any feelings?

Here is my FAQ page about this! The short answer is that there is no official test or scan for you to "know" - you just gotta be introspective, honest, and patient! It's impossible to guarantee that you won't hurt someone's feelings, but when experimenting, the best rule of thumb is to be really clear and up-front about what you're looking for and what you're able to provide. And do your homework - read up on healthy, ethical polyamory and non-monogamy as well as other self-work around jealousy, insecurity, communication, etc. You have lots of time to figure this out, so relax!

I've been having some questions and concerns about being in an open relationship with my partner and I don't really know who to talk to this. My friends aren't as open or understanding and I want to think this through logically rather than have my emotions take over. Thank you and message me if it's ok for me to ask some things.

I'm sorry, but no - I cannot do live or private messaging. You can read about my policy here. You are always welcome to check out my resources listed here, search the archives of my blog, or send in a question to be answered publicly but anonymously.