I agreed to a polyamorous relationship, but after trying it, realized it's not what I want

My boyfriend wants to be poly but I don't. I agreed to it to make him happy. I don't know what to do anymore because I don't want to be in this kind of relationship but I gave it a try.

It sounds like you know exactly what to do. That's all life really is - trying things to see if you like them. If you like them, you keep doing them. If you don't, you stop! 

You gave it an honest try. You realized it's not for you. So stop doing it! This relationship isn't something you want anymore. You said it yourself. That's a totally okay thing to realize. Now you have some really clear information to act on.

It's possible that your boyfriend is amenable to ending the polyamorous experiment if you tell him "now that we've tried it, I've learned that this really isn't working for me." So that's your first step. If he feels unable or unwilling to be in a monogamous relationship, that's okay - the type of relationship he wants isn't the type of relationship you want, and so you two are incompatible.

The point of dating someone is to learn whether or not you're compatible in a relationship - that's why we don't get married on the first date! You're doing everything right - trying new things, learning what works and what doesn't, and moving forward based on what you've learned. 

I'm planning to start dating someone who already has a partner, but I have some concerns

I am about to go into a relationship with a woman who already had a boyfriend. Usually I'm very territorial but I'm willing to make it work for her. Her other boyfriend is also quite territorial and the boundaries have been set by him. I am not very committal in relationships and his boundaries have benefited that side of me, however I'm worried his influence may have a negative effect on our relationship. How can I respect his wishes and also make sure I feel fulfilled in my relationship?

To be honest, I have never seen it work well when someone isn't really okay with polyamory but is "willing to make it work" for a specific person. It's like moving into a house with one horrible feature that you know you'll hate. You promise yourself that you'll "suck it up and ignore it" and then "get used to it" and that the low rent and sunny bedroom are worth the stove with only two burners in a micro-kitchen with no counter space. But over time it drives you nuts. It isn't really what you wanted. It will always feel like a frustrating compromise. Think hard about what you are committing your future self to. Be very, very intentional about this.

I cannot write you a specific plan to "make sure" you feel a certain way. I don't know you, I am not you, and even you can't ensure that everything goes smoothly. What I can do, though is strongly recommend that you do a lot of introspection about this. I can ask questions - your answers to those questions are actually the answer to the question you asked me.

This guy sounds like he has a lot of boundaries that you'll need to respect. Whatever you think has been laid out, know that this will create complications that you can't foresee right now. Do you have the patience, flexibility, and security in yourself to manage that?

You say that you're "very territorial" - what self-work have you done to make sure that whatever behaviors and feelings lead you to that conclusion are being managed in a healthy way? Are you working to get to a place where you're more okay with the polyamorous relationship, or just working to ignore the negative effects and territorial feelings? What are the "negative effects" you're worried about? Which ones are dealbreakers? Which ones do you plan to just muddle through? What's your plan for that?

Why are you deciding to do this? What is it about this woman that makes it worth it, to you? Does she seem willing to help you manage the newness and the fears going into this? How much do you expect this woman to take accountability for situations that negatively impact you and be willing to help resolve them? What will you do and feel if she doesn't meet those expectations? Has she been willing to compromise, or is she expecting that you get 100% on board with whatever it takes to keep her current partner happy?

Are you trying to ignore certain things? Hoping some issues will just go away? Is there any denial or willful ignorance going on? Anything you're hoping will change as time goes on? What's your timeline for that? Would you be okay in this relationship a year down the road if nothing has changed?

This is a time to be really honest with yourself and really intentional about the choices you're making. Don't just assume that things will work out because you want them to. 

How does one flirt while polyamorous?

So I'm poly and I have no idea how to flirt. A lot of people say "I want to spend my whole life with just you" and stuff like that, but what for poly people?

First off, I'm assuming you mean "flirt" when already in a relationship? I always associate flirting with trying to get someone's attention and subtly telegraph your interest and gauge theirs when you have a crush on them - once you're secure in their affections for you, it stops being flirting (in my mind). For the record, it's never a good idea to say something like "I want to spend my whole life with just you" as a way to try and probe for someone's interest in you or signal yours without being sure how they feel!

There are many, many ways to express affection for someone without implying a monogamous relationship or worldview! One of my partners often says "I'm on your side," which carries a lot of meaning between us. One of my partners calls me "boo" - pet names can be great flirting tools! Saying things like "you're wonderful," "I really like spending time with you," "you make my life better," "I enjoy you," etc. etc. etc. don't require a lifetime commitment to monogamy! Use whatever compliments fit you and your partners and feel genuine.

Sweet gestures are always great too! If the flirt-ee likes matcha green tea, bring them a little green tea candy that you saw in a Japanese store. If they like sloths, message them a picture of a sloth. If they've been stressing about an errand, offer to run it with or for them. Sharing experiences is a powerful way to show affection: listen to a band or read a book that they like so you can talk about it with them. Inside jokes are great too!

Some people flirt with teasing, but be careful not to get into the territory of "negging." Playful, silly banter and getting into good-natured mischief together is great! Trying to put someone in a position of feeling put down or in danger of losing your respect is not good flirting practice. 

You can also flirt with physical affection - one of my partners and I have an elaborate game where we are always trying to blow raspberries on each other. Butt taps, pokes, smacks, and caresses are frequent between me and my partners. If you're not actually physically involved yet, flirting classics like borrowing their hoodie or touching their arm are classics for a reason. Never underestimate the power of eye contact either. 

My boyfriend had a passionate connection with his ex, and I feel insecure

My boyfriend has a tattoo of characters he and an old flame played who were romantically involved. They’re still friends. He says he’s over her but I can’t help feeling like I’m loving him from beneath her shadow. Doesn’t help that I realized the painting visible from his bed looks like her last time I visited. He was surprised when I pointed that out but agreed. I’m not sure how to deal with this. I know I have some insecurity issues but I’m not sure how to deal.

Everyone has a past - no one blips into existence the moment we meet them. It's impossible for someone to be faithful to you before you are in their life. Try to identify whether the issue is him, whether he is the one casting "her shadow" over the relationship, or whether it's something inside you being projected out. If he is specifically doing things to make you feel insecure - if he compares you to this old flame, texts her while you're having time together, etc. - then bring those up. He can change his current behavior to be a good boyfriend to you, but he can't change his past choices.  If everything in your current relationship is fine, but you just don't like the tattoo or the thought of her, consider working with a therapist who specializes on issues with insecurity.

If it's not his behavior that the problem - if he isn't doing or saying things to keep you in this state of feeling insecure or compared to her - then it honestly is a majorly positive sign that your boyfriend is able to remain friends with someone he dated. It takes a lot of maturity and perspective to recognize that a relationship isn't working in a sexual-romantic context, but also be able to hold space for how that person can continue to be in your life. Many people have black-or-white thinking; where someone is either their soulmate or a villain, and that kind of thinking has other implications that are not great.

Being able to say "this person gave me a lot of joy, and we had a lot of fun together, but the relationship needs to shift now, because our needs have changed, or we've learned more about ourselves and each other" is a powerful skill. If he had a lot of anger, regret, or shame about the tattoo, that might make you feel more secure, but it would actually be a red flag about his emotional maturity. So if that helps you reframe the situation, think about what a great guy this means he is!

My partner wants to date someone who I do not want in my life

my partner wants to enter into a second relationship with their ex, who hates me and is part of a group of people who regularly talk about how terrible I am behind my back (confirmed by three separate people so I know for sure it's happening). this makes me wildly uncomfortable. what does it mean for them to enter into the relationship despite knowing I'm not okay with it and never will be okay with it? is that technically cheating or should I be the one to back off on this?

You can't control your partner's choices, but you can control your own. You can say "I don't feel comfortable being in a relationship where Berthen is involved, even as my metamour. That is a dealbreaker for me." Then, armed with that information, your partner can decide whether or not to date Berthen. If your partner decides to date Berthen, then you decide to leave the relationship. Your partner has the right to do things you don't want them to do; you have the right to not tolerate that behavior in a relationship you're part of. 

There is no such thing as "technically cheating," because what constitutes cheating is not a scientifically quantifiable thing. There is no secret safe in France where they keep the essence of cheating and measure various things against it. I would consider it a relationship dealbreaker if a partner of mine had unprotected sex with someone else. Not everyone feels this way, but that's one of my rules that, if broken, feels like "cheating" to me. Only you get to decide what boundaries are non-negotiable for you. 

My boyfriend doesn't want to see me after I have sex with someone else

I’m with my boyfriend and this is the first open relationship for the both of us. He doesn’t want to see me after I go to a sex party or go out with someone else. Should I be concerned that this isn’t working for him? I don’t have a similar rule; I’d prefer to see him the next day after he does out with someone so I can hear about or just cause I miss him when we’re apart. He says it’s cause of STIs even though I always ask my partners about testing and use a condom with men and we both already have HSV-1 and HPV. Not sure how to react to his absence after I go out and it makes me feel bad.

It's pretty common for humans to be 'squicked out' by things that aren't entirely rational, but are strong enough that we can't reason ourselves out of it. The disgust response is one of our deepest survival instincts. I got a similar letter about a similar problem last year. So it's very possible that this is just a quirk of your partner's feelings about the world, and not evidence that he's judging you for the way you conduct yourself in this open relationship.

Sometimes, two partners can be in an open relationship and just have different levels on enthusiasm for things like sex parties and active partner-seeking. It could also be the case that he's uncomfortable with something and is channeling that discomfort into a boundary around seeing each other after sex. Your best bet is to ask him!

Make room for him to be honest: ask him whether it bothers him that you're having sex with other people, whether he feels threatened or unsafe by anything, and what he needs from you to feel okay. Let him know that if he really is okay with the way you two are conducting the relationship, he just prefers to leave a time barrier between things, you want to hear that in the affirmative - and if he isn't okay with the way things are, you want to hear about that!

If it comes out that he really is bothered by something else, figure out what to do there. If he genuinely just wants a time buffer around sex parties, figure out how to manage that. You two may have different comfort levels around sharing details and seeing each other after sex with other partners. Your job is to figure out whether there is a compromise you're willing to make - plan to go without his company for a day or so if you want to attend a sex party - or whether this is a dealbreaker for you that needs to be addressed another way. 

I'm in a polyam LDR and can't find a local partner.

I'm so tired of being monogamous. My partner and I are both polyam but neither of us have been able to find other partners. I'm so touch starved and romantically frustrated (LDR) that I'm constantly on the verge of tears. I'm tempted to just give up on finding other partners. Do you have any advice on finding other polyam people?

Here is my FAQ page on meeting polyam people. Remember that finding partners is historically agonizing, frustrating, and difficult, for all types of people. There are literally millions of books, songs, movies, and even video games about the struggle to be less lonely and find romance with the right person!

Find things that make you happy to get through this dry spell. Reach out to your non-romantic friends for support - get together to see a movie, snuggle up platonically, have dinner together, or just get a distraction. Consider also social avenues where people meet through touch-oriented activities, like dance, acro-yoga, etc. Invest in some nice sex toys or a porn subscription and try to release some of this tension.

Be patient and gentle with yourself. Frustration and desperation are normal in this situation, but indulging them too deeply will make you even more miserable and make it even harder to attract someone. Put your best self out there, be confident, and you will make it through!

My husband insists on an open relationship. I don't want that.

My husband insists that we have to have an open/poly relationship even though it makes me miserable. He keeps saying that we can make it work that we just need the right compromise. But I don't even want that. I do love him, but neither of us are going to be able to be happy together long term. And he refuses to see divorce as an option. Some people just aren't polyamorous and I don't think that makes me wrong or inferior.

You are absolutely correct that not wanting a polyamorous relationship doesn't make you wrong or inferior. You seem pretty clear-eyed about the fact that this relationship does not have a future - you two have discovered things about yourselves that make it obvious that you're incompatible as spouses. 

You don't need your husband to agree to see divorce as an option - you can make that decision for yourself. If it's over in your eyes, it's over. Leave the relationship, hire a lawyer, see a therapist, and free yourself to move forward toward a monogamous relationship that meets all your needs. 

I always find more faults with my partner when I'm having NRE with someone else

I have a terrible habit of finding faults with my one long-term partner whenever I'm experiencing NRE with someone new. How can I work on this?

The first step is to figure out whether this is just a weird manifestation of your NRE, or whether there really are parts of your relationship that are bothering you, and you are only able to identify them because of the context that a new relationship brings.

If it's the former - if it really is just an unconscious reaction - it can be helpful to use CBT/DBT strategies of accepting the thought without acting on it. You can reframe it as a sort of cognitive misfiring, comparable to the way that an anxiety reaction can start in the physiological and move to the psychological. Something chemical floods your system with stress signals, and your brain things "Oh no! We're stressed! Something must be terribly wrong! What is it?" - and then just grabs onto the nearest thing and makes a disastrously big deal out of something random that wouldn't feel like such a big deal in another context.

So in this case, your brain could just be misinterpreting your desire and excitement for your new partner and thinking "wow, I really want to be with Wrenvylla right now! why could that be? it must because I'm unhappy with Strenephie!" So you can look at the thought, recognize where it's coming from, and say "no, I don't think that's the best interpretation of what's going on." Just like I sometimes say "it sure feels like these dirty dishes are the end of the world, but I recognize that they really are not, and that feeling is coming from somewhere else and being projected onto the dishes." You can have the thought, take a deep breath, choose not to indulge it or act on it, and wait for it to pass.

But it might also be the case that there are things about your partner, or your relationship, that are bothering you, and you realize what's going on when you're able to see it contrasted with another partner's way of doing things. Maybe you notice "wow, it makes me really happy when Wrenvylla texts me back with a clear answer when I'm trying to plan things. I'm now realizing just how much it bothers me that Strenephie can be vague or distant over text." Or "I was braced for a fight when I had to cancel on Wrenvylla for a work thing, but she was just chill and understanding. I guess I thought it was normal to have fights over stuff like that, but now that I see how a relationship feels without this behavior, I have much less patience for it."

In that case, it's not something to try and ignore with the same accept-that-the-thought-is-there-and-move-on technique. Instead, it's okay to bring it up! Don't make it about comparison or competition - if you can, try to leave your other partners out of the discussion entirely. Just bring up what's bothering you and explain what you'd like your partner to try and change. "It's really been bothering me how it's hard to plan things with you, because when I ask if you're free on Friday, you say 'why?' or 'idk, did you plan something?' and never actually get around to committing to something or letting me know your schedule. Could we try to get in a better habit of firming up plans quickly so I can figure out what my week is like?"

My partner wants me to act jealous, but I'm polyamorous

I'm poly and comfortably dating a mono girl. I notice she likes to tell me about other people having crushes on her, and I always just say I can see why they like her and I enjoy the attention she gets. She knows I'm poly, but how can I lightly remind her that her interest in others, or other's interest in her doesn't make me envious without making her feel like I don't value her? We do talk about it, but sometimes I feel like I have to remind her without starting the big discussion again.

Well first off, are you fully confident that the reason she tells you this is because she wants you to feel envious? Unless you've explicitly asked her why she says stuff like this, and she said "because I feel loved and cherished when my partners express jealousy about other people having interest in me," my first advice is to find out where this is coming from. She could be thinking that because you're polyamorous, you like hearing that sort of thing; she could be trying to "meet you halfway" by talking about it. She could be trying out the idea of polyamory for herself in conversation, trying to see how you react.

But if you're sure that what she's trying to do is essentially bait you out of your polyamory and into expressing jealousy, it's okay for you to be more explicit: "I'm not able to do that for you - express jealousy or possessiveness." Then, ask her what she gets out of it when a partner talks and acts that way, and what you can do to make her feel valued and cherished in the same way without having to perform something you find icky or just false. 

Or, if this comes up infrequently enough, you could chalk it up to a compromise. Does it make her happier than it makes you frustrated? If so, might be worth it to just say something noncommittal like "well, but you're dating me, so if he's interested, that won't work" or "I'm glad I met you first, then" which acknowledges the monogamous nature of your relationship without you needing to perform jealousy. If you're able to expend the emotional energy, you could just leave it be as something she does that you would prefer she didn't, but isn't painful enough to warrant you trying to convince her to quit doing it. 

My spouse just got my blessing to date other people, but is trampling my boundaries

 I'm married and my partner is non binary and poly and I knew all this going into the relationship but they just recently decided to start dating. I was on board and told them to do it, but they invited someone over that night and did sexual acts in our place on our bed. I said ok don't do that again, but then the next night I wake up to them kissing and moaning on the couch as I slept (I work nights and sleep during the days) and I said to do it at their new partners place. Two days after that they say they are going to the next town over on a date and I said ok let me know what happens and later that night I find out from them they decided not to go and just went to their partner's place and had sex and didn't come home until the next morning. I don't know what to do because I know they have a mental problem with communication but I'm just In so much pain but I still wanna forgive them.

First off, as much as I am very hesitant on this blog to suggest that the partner who's less comfortable with a polyamorous arrangement should make "rules" to try and keep themselves feeling safer and more okay with it, this is a huge exception to my belief. Asking them not to have sex with a new partner WHILE YOU ARE IN THE HOUSE is completely reasonable. The timeline that you laid out here makes me question their judgment - that within 24 hours of you giving your blessing to try opening the relationship, they not only went out on a sexual-romantic date, but they brought the person back to your place and had sex with them. 

Your partner is asking something very big from you - to be okay with them dating other people, even though that isn't your explicitly stated relationship orientation or preference. Usually, when you ask someone for something that takes lots of effort on their part, you should go out of your way to make it easier on them, not harder. I wrote that your partner was being 'selfish,' but then I realized that isn't even accurate - it's not remotely in their best interests to make your introduction to a polyamorous arrangement so painful and intense. I'm just baffled as to what they're thinking. If I was really invested in my partner being okay with something, I'd go out of my way to make it as easy as possible for them. 

You say that your partner has "a mental problem with communication," but that's an explanation, not an excuse. If someone has a diagnosis, past trauma, or just a personality trait that makes communication harder for them, that means they need to use that knowledge as a tool to help them find ways to solve the problem - not just opt out of healthy communication and abdicate their obligations in relationships. If they know they have issues with communication, that means they need to try harder, try different things, be even more sensitive to potential issues - not just demand that you be okay with everything they do because hey, they can't help it!

You are well within your rights to sit down with your partner and demand that this gets worked out. You can say "I know communication is tough for you, so maybe we could write emails back and forth rather than talking face to face, or sit down with a couples therapist who specializes in open relationships, etc." - but what you should not do is just cede to their refusal to engage on this. Then, let them know that the way things are going is absolutely not okay with you. Explain that you have some (very reasonable!) boundaries about truthfulness and privacy. Be clear that you will not be doing 100% of the emotional labor it takes to make this new arrangement work, and if they're not willing to meet you halfway and consider your feelings, either the relationship itself or, at the very least, the polyamory, simply will not work.

What's up with the polyamory pride flag?

Hi, I don’t think I’m polyamorous but could you explain the poly flag to me? I don’t understand the pi symbol.

I actually didn’t know the significance of the polyamory pride flag myself - I don’t really use it or identify with it myself. I use the infinity heart (or just the infinity symbol) as a pride symbol on clothing/jewelry/stickers/other signifiers, because I prefer it both aesthetically and symbolically.

But here is the blog post by the original creator of the polyamory pride flag, where he explains the symbolism behind it. He says that basically, it stands for the first letter/sound in the word “Polyamory.” He wanted something a bit more obscure to help closeted polyamorous people subtly signal to each other. Plus, the pi symbol was available on computers at the time, and there’s a history of Greek letters being used as pride symbols. Elsewhere, I’ve seen it explained since pi as a number goes on infinitely, it has a similar connotation as the infinity symbol.

I want my boyfriend and someone else I'm interested to to develop feelings for each other

I've never been in a polyam relationship before, but I'd really like to open my relationship to a new person. My BF seems pretty open to polyam but I've never talked to him about it seriously. I met someone though that I'd like to introduce him to. I care about this guy and my boyfriend and I'd really like it if they shared feelings for each other as well (although I know that's unlikely). Is it possible to have a relationship like this, and if not is it possible to foster friendship there?

This is really tricky. It’s impossible to dictate another person’s feelings - think about whether you’d be able to develop feelings for someone just because someone else wanted you to. We can’t even dictate our own feelings! People often find themselves wishing they could just conjure romantic or sexual feelings for someone, or delete an existing crush, but it’s next to impossible. So even if you could convince your boyfriend to want to have feelings for this person, there’s no guarantee that fickle cupid would cooperate. So I’d advise that you let go of that as a goal, because if anything, that kind of pressure, even subtle, can actually make it less likely for people to ‘catch feelings’ for each other.

But you absolutely can do some things to foster a healthy friendship between them. Again, there’s no guarantee - sometimes people just don’t “click,” and you have to be ready to accept that. But I’ve learned over the years that there are some things that make metamours more or less likely to get along well.

One is to never badmouth one to the other. Even if it feels like a “minor” thing. If Merejy sees you set down your phone with rolled eyes and a sigh because Jaxlyn didn’t answer your text, he will remember that. If you show up late to something with Jaxlyn and exasperatedly explain that Merejy took your car and never puts the keys back, things like that add up. It’s totally healthy and normal to need to vent a bit about your partners, but never do it to your other partners.

Another is to avoid comparisons or anything that could make one feel threatened by another. This is just healthy polyamory, but even more important in this type of situation. Be very aware of how NRE may be impacting your behavior. Be careful of drawing comparisons between the two. Try to avoid bringing up inside jokes or shared experiences with one that will exclude the other. Speak positively about them to each other, but not so gushingly that they feel threatened.

Another is to introduce them to each other without much pressure. Meeting in a group setting is good, especially during a hike or over board games, so there’s something else to do. Pay attention to how they are together, and be willing to step in to smooth things over if things get awkward or just rocky. Bring up topics that you know they’re both interested in, etc. It might detract from your ability to focus on other stuff at whatever event or chill-out you’re at, but it’s worth the extra bit of effort.

If you know one of them has a specific pet peeve, a subject that is touchy to them, or can accidentally come off as abrasive or judgmental or otherwise less-than-friendly because of a specific conversational or behavioral quirk, it can be good to tip the other one off, so things don’t accidentally start off on a bad foot. But it’s a tricky balance - you don’t want to come off as pushy, or meddling, which can turn people off. Essentially, your best bet is to be as chill and “organic” as possible, while also being a bit more intentional and proactive than you’d be otherwise.

Then, you just gotta be patient and flexible and let the chips fall where they do. Maybe they end up being besties who get together without you around! Maybe they end up getting along just fine, but are not really people who would hang out without you to bring them together. Maybe they prefer to be polite metamours who are both in the same orbit. Maybe they do end up falling for each other. You have to be prepared to handle any situation with grace, since this definitely falls into the category of “serenity to accept the things I can’t change” territory.

Some other posts on this topic:

• Would the stress of unicorn be alleviated by dating the person separately at first?
• I want my partner and potential partner to date each other

My wife dates other women, but doesn't want me to

I am a married man and my wife wants to date women. We are committed to each other and I am okay with her dating women in fact she has in the past while we were married. She didn’t keep intimate secrets from me with other women. We both believe in being honest and open. She wants to date women again but so do I. She doesn't like the idea of me dating other women. Can you help?

I mean, I can’t help in the sense that I don’t have a magic ability to change how your wife feels and what she wants. But I can give some advice, and that is - as in most of my posts here - open communication. You need to find out why she doesn’t like that idea, what her boundaries and barriers are, and what she needs to feel more comfortable with it.

She may feel like there is something ‘special’ about your relationship because it’s the only heterosexual relationship in all this - that her dating women is somehow less of a threat to the relationship than you dating women. But since you don’t want to date men, “one heterosexual relationship” isn’t a sensible limitation. This discomfort or sense that her dating women is less “real” or “dangerous” is common, but comes from underlying assumptions that often don’t stand up to intentional examination. It could help to say "date people" instead of "date women" to help both of you think through whether your issue is more situated in the dating, or the women. 

Don’t go into the conversation intending to debate her into changing her mind. Instead, seek to figure out how she feels, and why, and what her fears and desires are based on. Once you both have a better understanding of what’s going on and how to articulate it, then you can take the next step of identifying what might need to change or be worked on.

some FAQ answerable questions

Hope everyone's Thanksgiving went well! I had to take a little holiday hiatus. Let's jump back in with a handful of FAQ-answerable questions:

How do you meet other polyamorous people? I have found it so hard to meet others that are poly that I could be interested in. Just because they're poly doesn't mean I want to date them, know what I mean? It's near impossible to meet someone who is polyamorous, and has all the qualities I'm looking for!

Here's my FAQ page on this. You are correct that there are just fewer polyamorous people out there in general, it can be harder to find "the one(s)" for you. Part of being any 'minority' group in terms of sexuality or relationships comes with that aggravation. There's no real solution to that besides being patient and putting your best foot forward.

Hey, I think I'm poly, but I'd really only be comfortable in a relationship where everyone is together, like if it was me and 2 other people, I was with both of them and they were together, or at least the ones who weren't dating were close to each other. Am I still a valid poly? Am I close minded? Am I wrong?

Yes, you are valid. The relationship style you're describing is usually referred to as a "triad," and it is many people's preferred polyamorous arrangement. Only wanting a triad may make partners harder to find, but it's perfectly fine to want that. It is not closed minded or wrong in the slightest. I have never been in a triad, but I very much prefer that my partners all get along, and that I am close with my partners' partners. 

Are there different types of polyamory? Like, being okay with closed polyamorous relationships, (in which everybody is in a collective relationship, with a shared love), but not open ones, (in which there are separate relationships that don't touch one another), and/or vice versa? Or would that delegitimize one's identifying as polyamorous? (I'm in an internal dilemma)

Yes, there are different types of polyamory, and they are all "valid" or "legitimate" - see my answer above. People who want a closed triad or quad are polyamorous; people who want a V-shaped relationship are polyamorous. People who want a closed relationship could also be referred to as "polyfidelitous." But that's a subset of polyamory.

Am I ok to ask something in private? I understand if not.

Can I ask a private question I don’t want posted? 

Unfortunately, no. However, one of these questions did precede a pretty interesting question that I haven't answered on here before and would love to be able to publish an answer to, so if you're okay having it answered anonymously, please let me know.

If I'm polyam, should I date someone who's mono?

hello! if i'm polyamorous, should i get into a relationship with someone who is monogamous?

I wouldn't advise it - read through the archives of my blog to see a lot of examples of this not working out. But then again, the only people who write in to an advice column are people who need help with something. There could be tons of people out there in perfectly happy mono/poly relationships.

It's okay for some things to be dealbreakers - what are yours? Think through what you're willing to give up for that relationship. Don't go in hoping that you can change their mind or work up to opening up the relationship. It's okay to decide that you want to try and make it work. It's okay to decide that it's just not meant to be. Ultimately, that's your call.

How do you navigate family holidays as a polyamorous person?

This is a more technical question, but are there any good ways to make 'family holidays' work with poly? Thanksgiving is coming up and 1 turkey dinner is daunting enough, I don't know if I can manage 3. I don't really know how to coordinate who goes where on what day to maximize the number of people made happy (and having everyone over at my place is not an option). Plus there's non-understanding parents to consider.... help?

Ah, the eternal awkwardness of navigating the holiday season as a polyamorous person. Part of the trick is just being willing to let someone down; being a bit of a sponge willing to soak up some negativity and some conflict. You can't make everyone happy, so let go of trying. It's fair to want to "maximize" the number of people made happy, but really, your main job is to make sure your own needs get met, and to have the backs of the people you're in relationships with. Seven annoyed or offended aunts and grandmas isn't really "equal" to one burnt-out or insulted partner. 

Some families find that trade-offs work - "Jorston and I are going to Glavel's family Thanksgiving, but we'll be with you all for Christmas." Or, "I'll be doing Thanksgiving with Jorston's family this year, and will plan to visit you for Thanksgiving next year." Some people may pitch a bit of a fit about you skipping Thanksgiving, but that's their problem. If you're not up to 3 Thanksgivings, don't go to 3 Thanksgivings.

Figure out what's going to work for you, and then make that work. Don't get caught up in making everything work for everyone. That might mean telling your partners "I'm sorry, but I'm just not up to going with you to your family's Thanksgiving this year. I'll be with my family for Thanksgiving all day. Of course you're invited, but I totally understand if you want to spend it with your family." There is no Relationship Law that you have to be together on Thanksgiving. Their family might whine about it and pester them about "where's Blatilda? Why isn't Blatilda here this year?" - but that's, again, a mild unpleasantness that can't be avoided.

Some polyamorous networks find that it's easier to shake out into smaller, often more mono-passing, arrangements for the sake of the holidays. In my situation, for instance, even though I don't practice hierarchical polyamory and none of my partners are my "primaries," my partner "Casper" has a family that lives in the same city as my family, and I'm pretty close to his family. So I travel to my home state and do part of Thanksgiving with the Caspers, and part of Thanksgiving with my family. I can't go to the house of my other long-term partner, "David S. Pumpkins," for Thanksgiving because the Pumpkins family lives in a different state. Even splitting the day between my family and the Caspers causes some friction. But that's what I want to do, so I do it.

It may be that one year David S. Pumpkins lets me know that it would be really important to him that I join him for the Pumpkins Thanksgiving. In that case, maybe I'd choose not to go to my home state one year, and stay and do Thanksgiving with his family. That would mean some disappointed people in my family and Casper's family. But sometimes we disappoint people! Or, I could tell David S. Pumpkins "I'm sorry, but going home for Thanksgiving is a tradition that is really important to me, and I just can't do what you're asking. Let's figure out some alternatives."

Either way, someone has a Thanksgiving without me, and the world goes on despite the fact that I had to tell someone "no" in a bummer of a conversation. Anyone - family member or partner - who chooses to try guilt-tripping, tantrum-throwing, or other tactics to get me to spend a holiday with them immediately drops off my list, rather than making me more likely to find time for them. It can be tempting to think that you really ought to go to someone's house because they're the "most hurt" about it, but don't reward that kind of behavior. Decide where you want to go and then let people know what your plans are. It's not a negotiation. 

When it comes to non-understanding family members, there are two possible problems. One is that you tell your mother that you'll be with Glavel's family for Thanksgiving, and she gets deeply wounded because !he's not even your real boyfriend" or somesuch nonsense. All she's done is make it easier on you to choose to spend a day in someone else's company. You have my permission to flounce off elsewhere without any more fuss. You don't need anyone's permission or understanding to do what you want for a holiday.

But if you want to bring multiple partners to a family gathering and worry that your family members will be bigoted or rude, that's something to take a bit more seriously. Talk with your partners beforehand about their concerns, how you'll present a united front, which family members are more likely to be nasty, who you have in your corner, and what the plan is for responding to inappropriate comments. If you feel like a certain family gathering just won't be emotionally safe for someone, don't go, or at the very least don't make that person go. 

So maybe it works out for you and Jorston to go to your family's place for Thanksgiving and Glavel goes to his family's place. His family might be like "why didn't you bring your partner?" and Jorston's family might be like "but why can't you join us?" - but they will survive. They might sulk a bit, but they are adults and they will survive the crushing disappointment of an adult having other life obligations on Thanksgiving. Or, maybe all three of you go to your house for the dinner, and then all three of you pop over to Glavel's for some wine in the evening, and then go home. Or maybe you and Glavel will go to Glavel's house, then you'll leave early and swing by to say hi to Jorston's family.

There are infinite possibilities. All of them will make someone unhappy. But you do what you need to keep yourself happy. Make sure you see the family members who are important for you to see (both your own and your partners', if you are close to their families) and make sure you and your partners find some time without pestering aunts and insensitive grandmas to enjoy each other during the holiday season.

I want two girlfriends.

I am seeking 2 gf for a poly relationship. Where are good places to look for that. New obviously lol

First: my FAQ page about this. (Friends! Check the FAQ and use the blog's search function before writing me!) And I answered a very similar question here.

Second: to be fair, I only have two and a half sentences from you, but I'm pretty sure you're going about this the wrong way. It sounds like you want "a polyamorous arrangement with two women" - that the polyamorous nature of the relationship, and the fact that there are two girlfriends involved, is the object of your desire. That's not a relationship, it's a sexual fantasy. Which is fine to have, just don't mistake it for a relationship.

Polyamorous relationships involve real people. You don't go out looking for "a relationship." You go out looking for a person you want to be in a relationship with. You may identify as polyamorous, which means you're open to dating more than one person. But that's all there is to it - meeting people and dating them, not the idea of them, not what they represent, not the relationship as a fetishized entity unto itself.

I want to date a guy, but my fiancé and I have only talked about opening the relationship to women

My fiancé (27) & I (22) have been together for ~7 years. We had a threesome over a year ago with a woman that he worked with. It was enjoyable in the moment for all of us, but it was awkward & we didn’t handle it very smoothly. He actually had sex with her before the three of us did anything (or before I really talked to her about much of anything) which he told me about and I didn’t hold against him because it was a result of unclear communication between the two of us. In the end, we learned a lot & it made me want an open relationship even more. The issue is that my partner is only interested in women for us, together or separate. I identify as bi & have a huge crush on 1 of our mutual friends who is a guy. My fiancé knows about the crush but still feels weird about opening up to me having relationship with another man. He says he just has a harder time trusting men, but I’m worried it could be stemming from jealousy or lack of self confidence or something. I don’t want to do anything that would hurt my current partner, I love him deeply, but I also reallyyyyyy like this other guy and want to talk to him about how I feel, but again, don’t want to overstep any boundaries or hurt feelings or miscommunicate. Were also definitely NOT out about being polyam-curious (I think that’s the right term to use here).

Your first step is to talk to your fiancé about this. It's pretty common for men to feel this way about female partners - that they're okay with their partners dating women, but not other men. Within the polyamorous community, this is often referred to as the "One Dick Rule" or "One Penis Policy."* The One Dick Rule, though common, is garbage, and you are correct that it usually comes from hangups that deserve to be interrogated.

Talk to your partner about this conviction he has that men are "less trustworthy." What, specifically, is he concerned about? This isn't about him convincing you that his rule is valid and should be followed; it's about figuring out how to help him let go of these hangups. Let him know that as far as you're concerned, as a bisexual woman, being allowed to date other people does include men, and you want to figure out how to work that out.

Say that you've been thinking seriously about having an open relationship ever since the threesome, and you want to talk about whether that could work between you, and if so, what it would look like. Be clear and honest about what you want. Only after you two figure out what your relationship arrangement will look like is the right time to come out in your social circles as polyam-curious and willing to date and/or sleep with other people.

I also want to add a note of caution. Keep in mind that you've been dating this man since you were fifteen and he was twenty. This creates some vulnerabilities that you should be aware of. With that kind of age gap, the older partner often gets to determine the other partner's sense of what is normal, so you need to be very careful about that. Don't take his word for it that something he did was unilaterally okay, or that something you did makes his behavior consequence-free, or that his preferences are objective reflections of reality.

It's a red flag for me that he slept with someone essentially without your permission or without working it out with you first, but you're not allowed to be upset about that because it was a "miscommunication." Now you're worried about another "misunderstanding" with regards to these new steps toward opening the relationship. It's not okay that these "miscommunications" seem to fall on you - it's your responsibility to avoid and prevent them, but if they do happen, they absolve him of responsibility.

You need to figure out how to keep yourself safe from this sort of framing. Both of you are responsible for managing your communication. Neither of you are immune from consequences even if you genuinely had a miscommunication. Both of you are entitled to your feelings about things, even if the other person insists that your feelings are the result of a miscommunication. You two need to figure out how to prevent these miscommunications, and if they do happen, how to navigate and heal from the fallout of that miscommunication, rather than brushing it off. That's the first step - clear, open, honest, and safe communication.

*Side note: the last time I used the phrase One Dick Rule/One Penis Policy, I got a message saying that it was transphobic to equate being a man with having a dick. In general, it is true that this isn't a great assumption to make. In this case, however, I do feel that - to get a bit Freudian here - it is in large part the 'threat' of the 'phallus' that creates the anxiety. One wonders how many men who have an ODR in place would 'allow' their partner to date or sleep with a man without a penis, and what that says about their conception of maleness and sexuality. Also, I didn't invent the term, and want to best equip my readers to get more information, and One Dick Rule/One Penis Policy will be more searchable than One Male Person Rule. 

What should my partner and I make sure to discuss before opening our relationship?

What are some good questions to ask at the beginning of changing a monogamous relationship into a polyamorous one? My husband and I recently decided to make this change, we've talked about it for a while and this is something we've agreed on. However, I want to make sure we cover all our bases on everything that might need to be discussed.

First off - and I know this isn't the answer you were looking for - let go of the idea that you can actually get all your bases covered. There is no foolproof way to ensure that no one gets hurt or that nothing unexpected comes up. You can't prepare for everything. This isn't just true of opening up a relationship - it's true of everything. I just listened to a podcast about the killing of Osama bin Laden - they had everything lined up perfectly, all their "bases covered," and then a helicopter crashed. Some things you just can't protect yourself from, even if you prepare thoroughly.

But, you are correct that there are things you can do to lay a strong foundation for your relationship. My recommendations - and this is not an exhaustive list - are to at least discuss:

What are your best-case-scenarios? Indulge in daydreams and outline exactly what you'd get in a perfect world. Do both of your fantasy futures line up perfectly? (If so, one of you probably isn't being totally honest.) Where there are gaps, dig in and discuss. Consider reading accounts of polyamory (check my resources page) and discussing what you do and don't like, what you do and don't want, etc.

What are your worst-case-scenarios? What are you most afraid of? What would be a complete dealbreaker for you? Relatedly, what are some "rough spots" you anticipate not enjoying, but wouldn't consider absolute dealbreakers? Again, wherever you two aren't totally aligned, dig in and discuss.

How do you two plan to present this new relationship to friends, family, and potential new partners? Do either of you have personal or professional concerns? How will you present a united front? Does someone want to be more open or more private about this than the other person? How will you navigate that?

How are you defining everything? For words you two have been using (monogamous, polyamorous, relationship, partner, sex, etc.) make sure you two have the same definition. It's easy to assume you both mean the same thing when you say "relationship," but that's actually a pretty nebulous word!

How will you manage "couples privilege"? This probably will come up in your best-case/worst-case discussion and your definitions talk, but should be placed on the table explicitly. Are you going into this as a solid couple unit who will make decisions together about new partners, whether to re-close the relationship, etc. or are you two polyamorous individuals free to explore dating externally? If being polyamorous together doesn't work out, is your intention to re-close the relationship or break up?

Those are some conversation starters - you will probably find many more things to talk about as you begin this journey. Note that I didn't talk about "rules" like "veto power," or "sexual limits," etc. In my experience, setting up rules like "no sex on the first date" or "no saying 'I love you' to other partners" have the opposite of their intended effect. Rather than add more coverage for your bases, they just create new bases that can then become points of conflict or require more coverage. Best of luck!