What's an alternative phrase for "don't ask, don't tell"?

I have in the past communicated to my partners that i don't navigate polyamory that is "don't ask, don't tell." it's a useful phrase that gives everyone a baseline for understanding. however i personally think it's a despicable phrase and want to stop using it. is there another succinct way to describe polyam where partners don't openly share information?

I've never heard one - DADT seems to be the primary way people describe this type of arrangement - but here are some I just made up:

Omission Without Lies (OWL) - essentially this acknowledges that it's okay, or even desired, to omit details about other relationships, and that "lies of omission" are not considered lies. But active lies are not okay. So I might say "I can't hang out Saturday, I have plans" instead of "I have a date" - but if you ask me explicitly what I'm doing on Saturday, I won't say "meeting my Nana for bridge."

Need To Know Basis (NTKB) - acknowledges that there are some things that your partners just might need to know, like that you're busy Saturday, or that you're too sore for kinky sex this weekend after a scene with someone else. But nothing is shared without a need or reason to be shared.

Firewall Polyamory - refers to a "firewall" between all your relationships, where they don't affect or influence or have anything to do with each other. 

My partner violated my boundaries in a newly-open relationship

My partner and I have recently opened our relationship. Because I am currently prioritizing my mental health, I have asked only one thing: please do not let me see your relationships. Don't Ask Don't Tell is not my ideal scenario, but for the moment it is what I need. My partner agreed, but he continually pushes and even breaks that boundary. In one case, he said his new partner wanted to be publicly acknowledged, so he chose her comfort over mine. I feel violated and disregarded. My heart hurts.

You have the right to set the boundaries that you need, but other people aren't required to do everything you ask if they are unable to. In that case, it's their responsibility to say "I'm sorry, I can't meet that need/stay within that boundary" - it's pretty crappy to make a promise and then keep breaking it.

The issue here is that you asked your partner to abide by specific rules for opening the relationship, and he is not abiding by those rules. You can't force him to change his behavior - you can just decide how to respond.

You can say "I'm actually not comfortable having an open relationship now that we've tried it and learned that your way of practicing non-monogamy isn't compatible with my needs. We tried it, it's not working for me, and I am rescinding consent to open the relationship." If he 'refuses,' then the relationship is over - if you want to be monogamous, and he doesn't, then that's a serious impasse.

You can also decide that you're already done, if him pushing at your boundaries this way is a dealbreaker for you. (It would be for some people; it wouldn't be for other people.) You can say "You've demonstrated that you're willing to ignore, disrespect, or fudge boundaries with me, and that makes me feel uncomfortable dating you now that I know that." 

Or, you could try and dig down to the root of your need for DADT right now, and try to work something out with your partner that recognizes his need for relationships in the open while also helps you manage your mental health. Consider finding a poly-friendly therapist to talk to about this, and set some treatment goals. Sit down with your partner and talk about what needs, fears, and desires you're trying to address with your DADT request, and what needs, fears, and desires make this so hard for him. There might be a way to learn and heal and move through this to an arrangement that's healthy for everyone. But you're not obligated to do that work; it's always your right to leave a relationship that's just not working for you.

I think my lover is sleeping with other people and not telling me

I am a 27yo poly woman with both a boyfriend and a BDSM lover. I think my BDSM lover is hooking up with men on the DL and don’t know what to do. We were hanging out and I saw an email over his shoulder that was a response to an MFM craigslist ad and he quickly closed out his email when he noticed I saw it. I do not care if he is hooking up with other men ( I am bisexual myself) but I don’t want to confront him about this and have him blow up in my face. How do I talk to him about this so that I 1.Feel safe in our relationship and 2.Trust in him that he is being open and honest with me as we agreed at the start of our relationship?

You say, clearly and openly, something like:

“Hey, I need to check in with you about something that’s been bothering me. I didn’t mean to snoop, but a few days ago I noticed you replying to an MFM ad and then you seemed to get nervous and hide it from me. Here’s the thing - I don’t care if you’re seeing other people or seeing men or anything like that. But I do care about secrecy. In order to feel safe in this relationship, things need to be out in the open. Partly that’s about trust, and partly that’s about health, safety, and informed consent.

I’m sorry if I did or said anything in the past that made you feel like you had to hide part of your sex life or your relationships from me. I just want to put it all out there that, as far as I’m concerned, openness is a non-negotiable part of this relationship - and I’m sorry if that wasn’t clear before. Can we talk about what else you’ve been up to, and come up with a way to keep it from being a secret or something that’s hidden?”

If he gets defensive or accusatory; if he refuses to talk about this; if he won’t agree to a relationship with the terms of openness and honesty, then end the relationship - it’s not what you need, and his insistence on secrets like that is a dealbreaker.