Been in relationship for almost 19 years. Partner over the years has secretly had relationships with various woman at different points in time. Eventually I find out. I am hurt by the betrayal and lack of honest communication. I forgive and partner never wants to stop having relationship with me. We recently started looking at polyamory. Still navigating and seeing what this looks like for myself. Partner begins talking to a person he has cheated in past with multiple times. I have strong negative feelings about this. I want open and honest conversation but this does not make me feel this the case. I feel that polyamory discussion was brought up to open the door for relationship with this other woman. I see a lot of positive in polyamory and would like to explore but Partner messaging this woman causes jealousy that I am having a hard time processing. He reassures that he loves me and would never hurt me but is standoff on discussion about polyamory. He states "I will control who i text, call, talk to, like, hate, love or want." which I respect but I would like open communication. This woman is supposedly poly as well according to partner. Who is in relationship with a man who is not interested in poly. He says they both agree not to go forward past friendship with my consent. But I resent they had this discussion prior to my partner and I having discussion on what poly means for our relationship. My partner says he doesn't want to be controlled. I am the major decision maker for our house, family and finances by default. He tends to not want to be and puts the final say to me. Does he resent that?? Am I wrong to want more open communication about our relationship and this relationship with this other woman?
I understand that the dissolution of a 19 year relationship is a major thing, but my recommendation is to throw the whole man out. He has a history of being dishonest with you and secretly going behind your back to do things he knows you’re not okay with. Whatever he is promising you now, I doubt he will keep those promises.
He is already not doing a great job at making this relationship transition. He is refusing to have open communication and accusing you of trying to “control” him when you express ANY needs or desires here. And it sounds like he has you convinced that this is somehow your fault, or at the very least, not his fault.
Leave this dude. You are not wrong. You have given him MANY chances to demonstrate that he is capable of being in a happy, healthy relationship with you on a variety of different terms. He has never succeeded. You have made compromises, but he has not met you halfway.
I know it will hurt like hell, but I’m going to have to refer you to Whole Man Disposal Services. End this relationship and find someone who treats you with respect, honesty, and consideration.
