Heya, I’m very new to the poly-situation, and my partner is poly. I really want to try the open relationship format, and yet I’m still worried. I’m feeling as if I’ll be rejected or abandoned, and this stresses both me and my partner out. I have this line of reasoning that if I just persist, I’ll learn to be enthusiastically accepting of my partner’s polyamory, and that the feelings of abandonment and rejection will fade - and I guess I just want to hear your thoughts on this. Thanks!
In some cases, you can “persist” and “fake-it-til-you-make-it” out of certain feelings. (Just ask anyone who was super grossed out by poop and then became a parent.) In other cases, slamming yourself against an emotional wall over and over will just wear you down.
My advice here is to not just rely on the passage of time to make certain feelings fade. Remember that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results rarely ends well. If a certain situation makes you feel bad, just forcing you to stay in that situation probably won’t make you feel better.
But there is self-work you can do to help manage your fears of abandonment and rejection. I sound like a broken record, but therapy, especially from a poly-friendly professional, can often help. Check out my FAQ page for people wanting to try polyamory for the sake of a partner, but struggling with it.
Read up on polyamory and the advice other people have for managing these feelings. A good place to start is my poly resources page. Some more resources: