Hi, I’m 19, queer and androgyne. I have this dream of having a poly relationship, of there being three or four of us and we all love each other and live together, and maybe raise a child together…but I’m a depressed, suicidal mess and I can’t imagine that even one person could ever love me, let alone multiple people. Should I give up on my daydream? Thank you for your help.
Short answer: no. Never. Absolutely not. You should not give up on your hope of a happy future with partners who love you.
Your present situation is not your destination. 19 is very young. Few people have found true love, or loves, by the time they are 19. You have plenty of time to grow into a life and a self that are full of joy and fulfillment.
Also, remember that facts aren’t feelings. Feeling unlovable is not the same thing as being unlovable. Not being able to imagine a future doesn’t make that future impossible. Our perspectives are limited by our current landscape, but the reality of the future is not. Many, many people are living full, joyous lives that at one point they could never have pictured for themselves.
You are not your feelings. Having messy feelings does not mean you are a mess. Whatever you’re struggling with does not define the core of your identity and your value as a person. You are a person, worthy of love, capable of growth and healing. You are not a mess.
Depression and suicidal thoughts are a mental health emergency, for which you need and deserve help. Know that you are not alone. This inability to imagine someone loving you and wanting to give up on the hope of a happy future are well-documented symptoms of mental health issues that have well-documented treatments as well.
Please check out my mental health resources here. If you’re not currently working with a therapist or mental healthcare professional, please start doing that. If you are, please talk to them about these fears you have and strategies for challenging them.
Know that the work you are doing now to heal means you are fighting for your future. You are laying the groundwork for future you to have awesome relationships and live an awesome life. Keep fighting for that future. You deserve it. You can make it.