Hi. I’m finding myself going through a severe bout of depression due to being new to polyamory and feeling hopeless about it. I’m married and have an amazing relationship with my husband but I keep finding myself desperately wanting a woman to love and be with sexually. I’m obsessed with the thoughts of being with another woman and have tried to find someone but I can’t seem to get it together. I’m from a small town so meeting a woman who is open to me being married seems like it’s impossible

First off, if you’re dealing with severe depression, please talk to a mental health professional. Realizing new things about yourself, your identity, and your sexuality can create all sorts of stress and anxiety, which is why there are experts who specialize in exactly this sort of thing. Even if there aren’t any in your small town, there are options for online and phone therapy, or peer support in online forums, that you should definitely explore. 

Second, have you talked to your husband about this? That would be the first step. Don’t just assume that these desires you have are totally impossible to ever fulfill. Start by telling your husband that you’re happy and satisfied in your marriage, but have strong desires to explore romance and sexuality with a woman. See what he says and start from there. If you’ve already talked to him about this, tell him about this depression and obsessive thoughts. You two may be able to partner in this and find ways to relieve this frustration in the meantime - sharing sexual fantasies about you being with a woman, supporting you in your dating pursuits, helping you find distractions, etc.

Don’t assume that because of where you life, you’re condemned to a life without an ability to pursue this. Online dating makes it much easier to find people who share your interests, and you might be surprised to discover who else is out there. Remember also that for everyone, even the most hetero-mono folks, dating is hard, and it can take time to find someone. Try not to fall into spirals of anxiety and depression based on your assumptions about what the future is definitely going to be like. Again, therapy can really help with this kind of re-framing.

You’re going to be okay! Knowing what you need is a powerful first step. You can get those needs met, even if it takes some time and creativity. Be patient and gentle with yourself.