i was with this guy who’s married but him and his wife dont live together and she doesn’t approve of him being poly but he has been for several years and way before i met him and we were together for half a year and she messaged me telling me not to talk to him anymore and now he won’t talk to me and i saw that he was with her again and idk what to do? i loved him so much but now i just feel stupid for thinking he cared?

To be honest with you, it sounds like what you were involved in was not a healthy poly situation, but an unhealthy marriage. It sounds like this person you dated was misrepresenting his emotional availability and generally making irresponsible choices. The best thing you can do for yourself is treat this like a learning experience and work on healing and moving forward.

It really hurts when you care about someone and it doesn’t work out, but that doesn’t mean you were stupid or wrong to believe someone who said they cared about you. Investing in people does put us at risk of getting hurt, but the alternative is to be closed off in an unhealthy way. Sometimes when we date, it ends poorly, and we get hurt. That doesn’t make us stupid. You made what you felt were the right choices at the time - the turned out not to be for the best, but don’t beat yourself up or indulge feelings of shame and regret.

Not everything that hurts hurts because you deserve it, or because you made the wrong choice, or because you could have prevented it but didn’t. There’s a time and a place to take responsibility and own your part in a situation, but there’s also a time to just let yourself feel bad about things not working out, without blaming yourself.