I’m with this guy who’s in an iffy marriage and he has a few other partners and he’s said once or twice he sometimes wishes things were different and that he’d wished he could be with just me (bcuz im mono and only want to be with him) and whenever he says that it makes me wonder why can’t he? I feel like a bad person for wondering that since he’s married and such and that’s selfish of me…but if that’s something he’s wanted then why not?

I really can’t tell you why this person might say he wants something, but not act on that desire. He may really want it, but feel trapped by other things in his life and unable to make it happen. He may want it when he’s with you, but have other conflicting desires that keep him from pursuing it fully. He may not really want it, and just be saying that to “keep you on the line,” so to speak.

The best way to find out is to ask him. Clear, honest, open communication is key. “You say that you wish you could just be with me - is that really true? If so, are there steps you plan to take to make that happen? Or is it just a fantasy you spin with me that you never hope or intend to act on?” Let him know that it bothers you when he makes statements that sound like promises if he never wants them to come true. He may not have meant them that way - but that’s how they feel to you, so you need to be clear about how they’re affecting you.

Ultimately, though, if you don’t want to be in a relationship where you’re teased with the hope of something you continue to not get, this may not be a healthy relationship for you to stay in.