I’m currently in the most amazing relationship of my life and I adore my partner deeply. We are poly, and he’s having some difficultly finding a secondary. We have tried triads and whatnot and it just doesn’t work well. I find it works better for me to have a secondary and have him as my primary, but it really gets him down when he has little to no luck with the girls he’s going for. It’s mainly because he’s poly. They get a little weirded out or don’t believe him. What should we do?
It is common for people to be weirded out about polyamory. I would say that I strike out about 60-75% of the time with people I’m interested in because they get spooked by the fact that I’m poly. The keys are:
-Patience. Dating is hard even when you’re monogamous! You’ll meet plenty of people who don’t want to date you. You gotta be patient and have a good sense of humor and resilience about all the rejection.
-Strategy. How is your partner telling people that he’s poly? Maybe his go-to coming out strategy is just not working. Don’t tell people too early, or too late. Don’t dump it on them like you’re confessing a dark secret, but don’t be too flippant either. Be upbeat and open and willing to answer questions. This is a trial-and-error thing - he needs to keep trying and find a pattern of disclosure that works for him and the kind of person he’s into.
-Location. Where is he meeting these women who get squicked out that he has a partner? Some social settings are more closed-off about non monogamy, and he’ll have better luck looking for people where they’re more likely to be found. Local poly meetups and an OKC profile that’s open about his polyamory are good places to start.