im in a poly relationship where both me and my boyfriend have girlfriends. except, because he knows he’s my primary, he keeps talking shit about her, saying he will put her “in her place”. I love them both but what do I do?

This is not acceptable behavior from your partner. He absolutely should not be putting down someone he knows you care about. And saying he will put her “in her place” is threatening language, and it is not okay.

My advice is to tell him in clear terms that you will not tolerate him saying negative or threatening things about your girlfriend. Tell him that you care about her and he needs to respect that. If he can’t respect that, it doesn’t sound like he can be in this poly relationship in a healthy way.

Once you lay that boundary down, ask him why he’s saying things like that. Does he feel threatened by her? Is he jealous? Does he think those sort of things are funny to say? If he’s lashing out from fear, insecurity, or confusion, maybe you two can work together to try and solve that issue so he doesn’t feel like he needs to resort to cruel language.

But if he isn’t willing to work with you in a positive way, or he refuses to try and stop saying those things, or he reacts with anger or shuts down when you try and talk about how that isn’t okay and you two need to work out a solution, you need to seriously reconsider whether you can be in a healthy relationship with this guy, poly or otherwise.