i’m in a relationship with a polyamorous boy, who doesn’t know i’m poly as well. i’m scared to tell him as he has really bad trust issues and is very protective over me, but i have started to grow feelings for somebody else as well as him. he always says to me ‘you’re mine, only mine’ and things like that. and i feel like even though he is poly too if he found out that i like somebody else he will be torn. can you help please?

Okay, I know that I’m always saying on here that no one, including me, gets to be the arbiter of someone else’s identity. That said, I am skeptical of this person’s polyamory if it doesn’t allow space for his partners to have other relationships, and if he’s a possessive person with “trust issues.” Part of being polyamorous, or practicing polyamory, means recognizing that you don’t ‘own’ your partners and that love and affection are not a zero-sum game. He needs to do some self-work around his trust issues and figure out what it really means to him to be “polyamorous.”

You can totally bring this up with him, and I suggest that you do! “Hey, since you’re polyamorous, and I’m dating you, is it right for me to believe that our relationship is polyamorous? Are you open to me dating someone else?” If he says no, ask him about that! “What does being polyamorous mean to you? Why doesn’t it include an openness to your partners practicing polyamory as well?” Talk with him about whether he can engage with his polyamory to help examine and heal his trust issues and recognize that if he can date other people and still care for you, surely you can too!

If he insists that he can be polyamorous in the sense that he has the ability to date multiple people, but not in the sense that he can be okay with his partners dating multiple people, then he’s welcome to claim that as his truth. You’re, then, welcome to decide whether those are terms you’re okay with. If not, this might not be the best relationship for you to stay in.