My husband and I opened to poly 3 months ago and he quickly fell into a couple relationships. I have just found someone that I’m exploring with. Hubby just blew up both of his relationships with drama and says he’s “done with poly” and wants me to drop my new love interest under threat of divorce. I, of course, feel this is unfair to me and my boyfriend. I don’t know how to handle this and I’m looking for advice.
My general advice to people in situations like this is: if someone is making you choose between two people, choose the person who isn’t making you choose.
The first thing to do is talk this out with your husband and see if a compromise can be reached. It sounds like your husband is operating under the assumption that your marriage is the 'sun’ relationship in this solar system, central to everything and not up for negotiation. Are these the terms you “opened up” under, or was this an assumption on his part? Was it framed as an ‘experiment’ when you started, with the implication that you’d quit as soon as it didn’t seem to be working out? Did you agree to each hold unilateral ‘veto power’ to cut it off? Leveling out all those expectations can go a long way toward figuring out where you two are and where to go from here.
But if his position doesn’t change, you have a choice to make. If you prioritize your marriage over all else, then the answer is to break off this new relationship and revisit the question of polyamory between the two of you. But if you don’t - if you would rather be a bunch of stars making up a constellation rather than a tiered system with moons orbiting planets orbiting a star - then staying with your husband is less conducive to this.
Just because you’re married to your husband, because you’ve been with him longer, does not obligate you to always choose him, or to give him veto power over your relationships. Some people may see it as absurd to even consider leaving an established marriage for a new love interest of less than 3 months, but the choice isn’t between two people: it’s between two lives; between monogamy and polyamory.