My romantic partner wants to have one or more qpps and im trying really hard to be ok with it. I have BPD and so i feel like them wanting this means that im not enough for them. Theyre really good about reassuring me this isnt the case, however the feelings refuse to go away no matter how hard i try. I want to make this work because i want them to be happy. Im just wondering maybe if you have any advice on how to keep the jealous feelings away.
The thing is, when it comes to jealous feelings, or any kind of feelings, you don’t “keep them away.” You can’t shove feelings away into a dark closet or stamp them down and ignore them. Feelings demand to be felt, and just fighting them rarely works. Don’t get down on yourself for ‘failing’ to eradicate feelings, because that’s not your fault.
The first thing I’d suggest is to talk to your romantic partner about what having queerplatonic partners means to them. In what way is it different than friendship? Why is this type of relationship threatening to you? You seem to have already done some powerful introspection work and identified that you feel like your partner wanting this means you’re not enough. Try and get more specific with that. Is this about intimacy? Sex? Quality time? Sharing specific interests and hobbies? Knowing where these feelings stem from helps you address them at the root.
Also, since you know you have a mental illness that makes this extra hard, if you’re not already, definitely work on this with a mental health professional. BPD can be really frustrating, but there are ways to manage and treat it. Here is my page on mental health care for poly folk.
Finally, you wrote that “I want to make this work because I want them to be happy.” Be careful with that. You are not obligated to put yourself in a painful situation for the sake of someone else. If you honestly try your best and you just are still feeling insecure and jealous in this relationship, it might be time to rethink the relationship. Don’t force yourself to ignore your own needs - maybe you just aren’t happy with a romantic partner who has qpps. That’s okay to know and own about yourself.