Ok so I know polyamorous relationships don’t have to be sexual and/or romantic but is it fair to not love the other person and only be in it for the sex when they love you and they know you don’t but they say it’s fine? Do i make sense?

Most relationships that people interpret as polyamorous do have something to do with romance and/or sexuality - but you’re right, some people expand their polyamory to include emotional intimacy and committed partnership without any other connotations of “dating.” However, being poly doesn’t mean that you’re obligated to make all of your relationships deeply intimate.

Your question seems to be whether it’s okay to have sex with someone you know has stronger feelings for you than you do for them. In general, it is never okay to take advantage of someone or manipulate them - do not use their feelings for you as a way to get sex, or make promises you have no intention of keeping.

But if both parties are fully aware of the mismatched levels of commitment and affection, that’s a choice for the two individuals to make for themselves.

For the partner who loves someone who doesn’t love them back, they need to consider their own emotional safety. Are they sticking around because they hope the other person will someday grow to love them? Are they in denial of this mismatch? Are they settling for someone because they feel like “willing to have sex with me” is just about as good as “loves me”? None of those are healthy reasons to stay. But if they’re going into the situation with clear eyes and full agency, accepting that they have an unrequited crush but might as well get some fun sex out of it, who is anyone to tell them they don’t know what’s best for them?

For the partner who doesn’t love the other person but is still sleeping with them, they need to think about how honest they’ve been with themselves and the other person. Have they hinted at future emotional intimacy to keep the sex available? Do they do anything manipulative that might make the other person feel that they need to settle for a sexual-but-not-emotional partner? Do they feel good about the sex and the interactions outside of the bedroom? This person has an obligation to be clear with the other partner about expectations they can and cannot fulfill, so the other person can make a fully informed decision. They can also make the choice to stop having sex if they feel guilty or unfulfilled by it - but they should be careful not to spin it as a condescending, “you say you’re okay with this but I know what’s best for you” kind of thing.