So my girlfriend is a lesbian and I am pansexual, we’ve been in a polyrelationship since the beginning of this year (starting to identify as such). We’re trying to make it work and it’s going quite great so far; But I started to have a crush on a man recently and since she is a lesbian she is far less receptive about this crush than the others. I know communication is the key and we’re talking, but I wondered if some people or you could give me some extra advice for this situation.

Unless you two are hoping for a “polyfidelitous” or “triad” arrangement someday soon (where all involved partners all date each other) I don’t entirely see why your other partners’ genders have much influence on your partner’s opinion of them. So I’d encourage you to find out. Why does she feel less comfortable with you dating men, even though she knows you’re attracted to other genders?

Once you know the issue, you can address it better. Maybe she’s worried that you’ll be comparing her to him and feels threatened by you having a partner so different from her. Maybe she doesn’t like having men intimately involved in her network. Maybe it has nothing to do with this person’s gender and she just doesn’t like him. You need to find out so you can actually communicate about it.

Encourage her to be open and honest with you, and to dig deep into her reasoning and feelings. Do this by asking clear questions and listening actively - not with the intent of finding a response but only to totally understand what she’s saying. Don’t be defensive or accusatory. Treat this as something worth figuring out as a team rather than a problem to be solved by one person convincing the other one of something.