My boyfriend cheated on me, but said it was okay because he's polyamorous

My boyfriend just told me he's been dating someone else behind my back, but it's ok and it's not cheating because he's polyamorous. I don't know the person and from talking to them over the phone they're really annoying. I don't want to lose my boyfriend but also I feel really bad he didn't even tell me he was dating someone else.

What!? Your boyfriend is wrong. Your boyfriend cheated on you, full stop. He doesn't get to tell you what is and isn't okay. If you're not okay with it, it's not okay. 

"I took your stuff without asking, but it's not theft because I'm a communist." No, taking people's things without permission is stealing, even if you don't believe in the concept of private property. They also need to be in on the philosophy. 

What your boyfriend is doing is not practicing "polyamory," but cheating. Polyamory requires open communication and consent of all parties. Just because he has a fancy word for what he's doing doesn't mean you need to go along with it. Stop talking to his other partner on the phone, stop bending over backwards to accommodate his twisted worldview where he can do whatever he wants without consequences. 

Leave this relationship - he cheated on you, acted without your consent, then told you how to feel about it and continued making demands on you. This is not polyamory, it's a person acting cruel and selfish and obnoxious. Dump him. 

my boyfriend always complains i act like im not interested in spending time with him but whenever i ask to spend time with him he acts like i’m asking too much of him and like he has so many things to do he just can’t and if i act sad about him having to leave or do something he gets annoyed and that’s why i don’t ever ‘act interested’ because whenever i do i get called annoying and clingy and told how he cant spend all this time with me. i feel like no matter what i do im going to be wrong.

It doesn’t sound like this is a healthy relationship. Your boyfriend criticizes you for acting “not interested in spending time with him,” but when you do, he says you’re being “annoying and clingy.”

Making someone feel like “no matter what you do, it’s wrong” is emotionally manipulative and cruel. When with a partner, you should feel welcome and accepted and free to relax into your feelings. Being constantly critiqued, policed, and put down for how you act and how you feel is not healthy at all.

You deserve to be with someone who has the emotional maturity to identify their needs and work with you to meet them, rather than demanding some psychic perfection. Leave this relationship.

My partner has recently developed a new crush on one of his friends that I’ve always been suspicious of them being a little more than friends. He’s recently told me they’ve been fucking around and stuff and it makes me feel very overwhelmed and uncomfortable. He’s told me for so long he didn’t like her and nothing would EVER happen with her and now they’re fucking around and that hurts. I don’t feel comfortable around her anymore and I don’t know what to do. Idk if I can handle this?

I have genuinely no idea what you mean by “fucking around” and I am not clear from your letter whether you and your partner have any kind of open/non-monogamous relationship, so I am afraid I don’t have quite enough context to give great advice.

What I can say, though, is that if your partner is doing things that make you feel uncomfortable, talk to him about it. If he is dismissive of your discomfort, or has any stance besides total willingness to resolve this in a healthy way, then leave the relationship. If you are already done with him about the lying and the hiding, leave the relationship. You deserve to be with someone who isn’t going to minimize your concerns, deny that they’re doing something they’re actually doing, and put you in situations that make you feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed.

The relationship I’m in is getting unhealthy. The guy we are dating is still in love with his ex and refuses to admit it and everything me and his other partner say or how we try to help becomes a trigger and he refuses to listen or receive help. He can get really angry and upset and the other has mentioned how triggering it is to hear about his ex. It’s so hard bc we love him but we can never compare to her we are not her and its getting really frustrating because of how selfish he is being

First off, let me just clarify that the word “trigger” does not mean “something that upsets a person,” it means something that sets off a panic or ptsd response in a person that has experienced trauma or has a mental illness. I see too many people co-opting the concept of “being triggered” to excuse their behavior or blame other people for the way they act out on their emotions. Being upset is not the same as being triggered, and the fact that parties on both sides of this equation are accusing the other side of “triggering” them says that maybe there needs to be some healthier dialogue about how you three relate to each other.

Second, if a relationship is unhealthy, leave it. If your partner is acting as if their emotions and behavior are uncontrollable and they are not responsible for changing them (which is often what people are really saying when they cite “being triggered”), that is not healthy, and you should leave. If your partner is saying things that hurt your self esteem, and is in denial of this problem and refuses to get help, leave. It’s never your responsibility to fix or change another person, especially one who hurts you and refuses to be helped.

My boyfriend of 4 years has told another girl that he is poly in text messages. They have roleplayed in texts that were sexual in nature. This is contrary to our agreement to have monogamous relationship. I asked him about it and he lied, denying it. Then it wasn’t him, his friend used his phone to talk dirty to this girl while asking him what to say. Then later, it was him roleplaying. He told her in the texts that he was poly, don’t yo

The message cut off and I didn’t get the rest, but I don’t think I need it. This is not polyamory, this is cheating. He violated the terms of your relationship and he lied to you about it, repeatedly. Those are both dump-worthy offenses. Dump him. Nothing to do with polyamory.