The relationship I’m in is getting unhealthy. The guy we are dating is still in love with his ex and refuses to admit it and everything me and his other partner say or how we try to help becomes a trigger and he refuses to listen or receive help. He can get really angry and upset and the other has mentioned how triggering it is to hear about his ex. It’s so hard bc we love him but we can never compare to her we are not her and its getting really frustrating because of how selfish he is being
First off, let me just clarify that the word “trigger” does not mean “something that upsets a person,” it means something that sets off a panic or ptsd response in a person that has experienced trauma or has a mental illness. I see too many people co-opting the concept of “being triggered” to excuse their behavior or blame other people for the way they act out on their emotions. Being upset is not the same as being triggered, and the fact that parties on both sides of this equation are accusing the other side of “triggering” them says that maybe there needs to be some healthier dialogue about how you three relate to each other.
Second, if a relationship is unhealthy, leave it. If your partner is acting as if their emotions and behavior are uncontrollable and they are not responsible for changing them (which is often what people are really saying when they cite “being triggered”), that is not healthy, and you should leave. If your partner is saying things that hurt your self esteem, and is in denial of this problem and refuses to get help, leave. It’s never your responsibility to fix or change another person, especially one who hurts you and refuses to be helped.