How much work is this blog, and how can readers support it?

Hi! It amazes me that you post such fantastic, well-thought-out, and nonjudgemental advice/responses every single weekday. How much time do you spend on a blog this big? Are there ways I can support you doing this work? How fast does the ask backlog accumulate?

Aw, shucks! I get lovely fanmail sometimes but rarely do I get letters that are both fanmail and questions I can answer. Thank you so, so much!

Each Ask Polyamory entry takes me anywhere between 20 minutes to an hour. I also spend a lot of time sifting through the letters I get, identifying which ones are good candidates for the blog, and managing my eternally overflowing inbox. And there’s general maintenance to make sure the website & tumblr cross-posting & comment section are working well. So I’d estimate that the blog takes around 5ish hours of work per week.

I don’t like to be late or skip a day, so I usually queue up a bunch of posts at a time, which means I do a solid chunk of work in one day and let that carry me through the week. I like to have a queue of ~2 weeks at any given time, but sometimes it runs low or gets up to 4 weeks’ worth, depending on what my life works like. I work one full-time job, one part-time job, and am a single parent, so I try to give myself enough of a buffer that the chaos of my life doesn’t impact my readers!

As for the backlog, it’s hard to say. I cannot, and do not, answer every letter that comes in (see my explanation here.) I don’t think any advice columnist does! But for letters that I do answer, it usually takes 1-3 weeks for an answer to be published. I occasionally bump things around in the queue if a letter seems more time-sensitive, but I try not to set that expectation.

The best way for readers to support me is by reading the blog, sharing it, and linking it wherever people are needing a resource on polyamory! If you’re sending me a question, the best way to help me out is to use the search & FAQ to make sure it hasn’t already been answered, then send it over in a clear and concise way. And, if anyone is able & willing to financially support me, I have a Patreon, where supporters can get stickers & extra content that isn’t posted on the blog!

some lovely fanmail

I don't usually publish letters that don't have a question, but here are a handful of lovely notes from lovely readers! If you like my blog, please consider supporting me on Patreon!

Just want to say I'm relieved to have found this blog. It has been a week since I realized I am polyamory and this blog is helping me to understand this new bit I just learned about myself. I can't believe I'm 26 and going down another journey of self-discovery ahahaha I thought I was done with it after realizing I was bisexual, but apparently not. Just thanks for existing!

I'm so happy for you, and glad my blog could help you on this journey of self-discovery. I've known I'm polyamorous for most of my life, but realized I was bisexual at age 27, so we're in this together!

Hi honestly i just wanted to message you again and say thanks i left my partner a few weeks ago and honestly its probably the best thing i ever did he was incredibly possessive and used his own insecurities to control me he made me miserable but i was stuck because i didnt want to hurt him. Now im much happier i have my one boy who doesnt make me cry and im so happy but without you without your blog im not sure i would have had the courage to do it or even to see it for what it was. Thank you.

I'm so, so happy for you! Hugs kudos for having the strength and courage to leave a relationship that made you miserable. Never stay with someone who makes you cry! 

This isn't really a request for advice, but I just wanted to say that thanks to your blog my boyfriend has gained a better understanding and acceptance of polyamory, and this week he and my other boyfriend and I all shared a bed for the first time (non-sexually) and it was just really nice waking up between the two people I love most and seeing them interact with each other in a healthy and loving way. I hope our relationship continues in this manner.

This is so lovely! I love cuddling up with multiple partners/metamours, and I'm so happy my blog could help you and your boyfriends make this happen for yourselves and each other!

Not an ask, but just wanted to say thank you! I just started my first poly relationship and your blog helped me so much in understanding and articulating my feelings.

I love hearing things like this! Understanding and articulating your feelings are SUCH powerful skills, and you should be super proud of yourself for developing them.

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positivity post!

i’m trying to do more of these - i always love getting fanmail and happy messages. i never used to post them before, but the world is just so sad and scary these days that i figured why not spread the love?

when you see this, tell someone something nice! a coworker, a blogger you follow, someone from your past you’ve been meaning to re-connect with, whoever.

also, i’d like to go on record stating that this blog loves steven universe and thinks everyone should watch it forever. please always feel free to use SU character names instead of letter initials in your questions!

I love you even more now for making that Steven Universe reference! :D


Just wanted to say I think this blog gives great advice. I’m beginning to think of myself as a polyamorous person, and it’s nice to see such a caring community helping people understand and navigate their relationships. No response is required, just saying thanks for doing what you’re doing.


thanks for cultivating such a supportive helpful and healthy blog, it feels like it would be necessary to help people navigate non-monogamy, so I’m glad you’re doing it


I love your blog, it is very helpful and you do a great job running it! :)

positive “not a question” messages!

sometimes I get happy fuzzy nice messages that are not questions, and I don’t usually post them, but we could all use some more love in our lives these days, so here are three happy messages I got recently!

hey there :) not really a question just wanted to show my appreciation for your work answering questions. You are always so eloquent and insightful. I really admire how you answer all these really loaded questions with such elegance.


I know this isn’t a question, I just wanted to share my joy somewhere :). I just had a lovely cuddling and playing video games sesh with my boyfriend and his boyfriends


I hope this doesn’t clutter your ask box. I just wanted to say I appreciate this blog so much! I love that most of your responses center around independence and communication. what I think of when I come across a poly (or general relationship) issue is: I want to be able to do what I like, and I really want you / you all to be able to do what you like. let’s see how we can all have as much freedom and autonomy as possible! so, thanks. keep doing your thing <3 <3

friends & followers: if you want to send me love or fanmail or happy poly anecdotes, definitely always do that! it is not a problem or a cluttering of my inbox, it always makes my day! (people who send me angry aggressive criticism never seem to worry about that lol)

meanwhile i’ll try to do more to spread the joy around. please take this moment - if there’s a teacher you remember who made a positive impact on you, send them a note; a customer service rep who was friendly, call their manager; a blogger or twitter you appreciate, send them a nice message; a coworker whose work you admire, leave them a note. it really can make someone’s day!

Just wanted to say this is a brilliant blog. Really helpful and non judgmental of any situation a person may be in. Thank you very much for doing what you do. Don’t worry about answering this, I know you must get a million asks!

Thank you so much! Things like this are so nice to hear, especially since I was worried that people would take issue with the last answer I posted. <3 This made my day!