Thanks for having this blog, as someone who is exploring their sexuality, it means a lot to have a resource like this. Also, (stupid question you run this blog so you probably are) are you poly? And if you have any tips for your first poly relationship, please do share them!

I am polyamorous! I have been practicing polyamory for about eight years now, but I believe that it has always been part of who I am and how I experience my relationships and sexuality.

You can find lots of stuff on my FAQ page, especially the “how can I learn more about polyamory?” section, which includes lots of other resources that include “intro to poly” or “poly 101″ sections.

My two biggest tips would be:

Communicate. There is never a good enough reason not to openly talk about something. “It’ll be awkward” or “I wish they knew without me having to tell them” or “I want things to happen organically” are not good reasons! Take a deep breath, open your mouth, and speak your truth! If someone gets upset with you for clear and honest communication, they’re giving you some really useful information about how safe and healthy they will or won’t be to have a relationship with.

Know thyself. If something makes you feel sad, threatened, jealous, or uncomfortable, sit with the feeling, dig into it, and figure out why. If you have a desire, a need, a curiosity, or a joy, sit with that and understand what it’s all about. Know your boundaries so you can set them. Know what you want so you can ask for it. Meditate, journal, chat with a therapist, read self-discovery books - whatever you gotta do to clearly understand who you are and what you need.

Best of luck!

I’m sorry but I just… don’t get polyamory???? I’m trying to tho, I really am. But just… could you explain why you’d feel the need to be in a relationship with someone else, while you’re in a relationship with someone even tho you’re happy with them, and completely satisfied?

The best way I’ve found to explain it is in metaphors: you might want to have mashed potatoes with your steak. Even though the steak on its own is delicious and satisfying as a steak, there’s plenty of room to enjoy other flavors and foods as well. Wanting potatoes doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong or lacking about the steak, but just having steak is less appealing to some people than steak and potatoes.

Even if you have the best bed in the world, and your dream car, you still want to have both - your bed being an awesome bed doesn’t mean you don’t need a car, and your car being spectacular as a car doesn’t mean it works well as a bed. 

Most people like having more than one friend, even though all their friendships independently are happy and satisfying - because people are multifaceted and it’s rare to find one human who meets 100% of your needs 100% of the time. You can have positive, loving, happy, satisfying relationships with multiple siblings and both parents - polyamory is an extension of this concept, that love is not “zero-sum” and that loving one person doesn’t make it impossible to love someone else too.

But to be totally honest, questions like this make me wonder whether we as a culture need to get better at seeing the value in things we don’t necessarily want for ourselves. I really, really hate working out. I don’t see any of the appeal in it; and I especially hate running. But I have friends who run miles every day and run marathons. I understand intellectually that they get something positive out of it, that it works for them. I can’t comprehend personally how any of that is enjoyable, but I can accept that it is, for someone who is not me. I personally don’t get why a person willingly endures that, but I do get that plenty of people do, and it’s okay for people to be different from me.

I can completely accept the validity of lesbianism, even though I am a woman who is very straight and don’t really “get” the appeal of having sex with another woman. I don’t demand that lesbians explain to me how it works that they’re into women; I don’t refuse to accept something unless I myself “get” it. I don’t conflate my own interest in something with that thing’s fundamental value.

So my recommendation to you is to ask yourself why it’s important to you to “get” polyamory. Is it enough to accept that other people have perspectives, desires, and feelings that differ from yours? Can you let yourself understand intellectually that this is just another way of being a person, even if you yourself have never felt that “need”? 

If there are polyamorous people in your life and you’re struggling to come to terms with their choices, try and remember that you don’t need to feel the same way as them for you to respect, honor, and value them - just like I don’t have to fully grasp what is fun about running to support my marathon-running friends. If someone in your life is trying to pressure you into a polyamorous mindset or relationship, know that you don’t need to change who you are or think yourself into being someone that you’re not. It is enough to be yourself and let others be themselves.

P.S. I know working out is very good for you and I really do my best please do not send well-intentioned suggestions about yoga or crossfit or couch-to-5k :)