I only want to be sexual with my boyfriend, not my husband

My husband and I became poly 4 years ago and I immediately met my bf but was long distance for the first year. He has moved to our state now and I can now see him frequently. I have noticed that over the last 2 years I only want to have sex or be sexual with my bf. I don’t know what to do about this decline in sexual drive for my deeply loved husband. I don’t think this is NRE. I can’t imagine losing either partner. I don’t want to force myself to be sexual if I don’t want to either. Really don’t know what to do. Is this common?

Yes, it is relatively common for there to be ups and downs when it comes to sexual interest with a long term partner, even in monogamous relationships. And when it comes to polyamory, it is also pretty common for new partners to ignite more sexual passion, for a whole host of reasons. You say you don’t think this is NRE, but I think it’s definitely a cousin of NRE.

First, do you know if this bothers your husband? It is entirely possible that the lack of sexual energy between you is mutual, and that he is okay with this new arrangement where you two have an intimate, romantic, loving marriage without needing to find the time and energy for sex. Try opening with the neutral observation: that you’re having less sex lately, but that nothing else seems to be strained. Has he noticed the same? What does he think of it? It may turn out that this is a total non-issue - if both of you are having as much sex as you’d like with each other, there’s no problem!

If he does want to have more sex with you, then you’ll need to figure out where to go from there. Is there something your new partner does that really gets you going? What could you try with your husband to reinvigorate your sex life - anything from reading erotica together, taking a romantic vacation, or setting aside time to give it a good faith effort? Is he interested in seeking sex outside the relationship as well? What compromises are each of you willing to make?

Your actual question was “is this common,” but my answer to that question (yes, it is) doesn’t actually help you much. You’ve got to check in with your husband about what he wants, and needs, and feels, and then do the work to move forward from there. Best of luck!

I don't know how to tell my doctor that I've opened my marriage

I'm married and poly. My husband and I recently opened up our relationship, and I've started seeing someone. My actual concern is that I have my yearly checkup this month, and I'm not sure how to bring it up with my doctor. I know it's really important information to share with them, but I'm honestly a little nervous about bringing it up because I don't know how they'll respond. I made a mention to one of the nurses once a couple of years ago while discussing birth control that I might have sex with someone other than my husband in the future because I'm not mono, and she looked at me like I had two heads. I have a pretty hard time articulating what I want to say when I go to the doctor already, but this is something totally new for me. Do you have any advice on how to approach the subject?

It’s not necessarily critical that your doctor have all this information - they just need to know what’s relevant to your health, especially your sexual health. If you ask for an STI screening and they say “oh, that isn’t recommended/necessary for people who are married,” you can say that your circumstances are unique and leave it at that.

If you want to tell them, it’s fine to just be blunt and matter-of-fact: “I’d like to update my ‘sexual history’ since I filled out my patient forms. My husband and I have opened our relationship, and I now have multiple sexual partners, who may themselves have multiple sexual partners. We use [protection method]. I just wanted to make sure you knew that so we can discuss my health in an accurate context.”

If you’re worried, you can print something out or write something down to bring to your appointment. You can also email your doctor or call their office ahead of time if that makes you more comfortable. Check out this article about how to talk to your doctor about polyamory for some extra resources. And if you have health concerns that you really need to address in a context of safety and knowledge around polyamory, check out the poly friendly professionals index of healthcare providers.

So me and my wife have been together for twelve years and have two kids and about two years ago we invited my friend of about nineteen years into our relationship. At first is was all about the sexual aspect and nothing more. Then over time my wife developed emotional intimacy with him and at first it didn’t bother me but recently I am feeling jealousy and inadequate and it’s causing problems. I don’t want to lose my family but she says she wants both of us and needs both of us. Is this normal?

Lots of people write to me asking whether feelings or situations or choices are normal. I want someone to make me a staff that says ARBITER OF NORMALNESS. But seriously - humans are weird and messy and silly and frustrating and fascinating. I am metaphorically burning my hypothetical staff.

Sure it’s normal. Plenty of people have feelings of emotional intimacy for more than one person. You love, want, and need both of your kids, right? If your wife wants and needs you both, then you’re not in danger of losing your family - he isn’t a threat to you, just like neither of your kids are a threat to the other when it comes to your love.

My advice to you is, figure out where these feelings of jealousy and inadequacy are coming from. Are they coming from specific things she’s doing or saying lately? Know that there is a thing called “new relationship energy” in polyamory where shiny exciting new partners might get more attention, making more established partners feel left out. Talk to your wife about these feelings - spending more time with him, sharing experiences with him and not you, etc. - and be open about how you’re feeling and how the two of you can work them out together. 

They may also be coming from your ingrained ideas about relationships and masculinity. Ask yourself whether it might be time to let go of some of those ideas. You have a wife of over a decade and a trusted friend of almost two, and it sounds like there’s a lot of love to go around, if you allow it. Check out some books on polyamory - The Ethical Slut and More than Two are my favorites - and give yourself some time and space to enter this new reality.