I'm in happy, established polyamorous relationships - so why do I feel like I want to date more people?

I'm madly in love with my partners, but sometimes I think I would like to see someone else as well, just casually. I don't have a ton of experience with poly outside of my little 'cule, so I was hoping for some guidance from someone with more experience: Do I really want a new partner? Or do I just want more from my current partners? I haven't been thinking about anyone in particular, I just feel like I want someone to flirt with and go on dates with. I do feel like I don't get a lot of that with my partners anymore. But I can't tell whether my interest in dating someone new springs solely from that or from just wanting someone new.

I’m not psychic, so I can’t tell you for sure what you “really want,” but I can tell you that NRE is a hell of a drug, and it’s very common to crave a new hit after a while without it. The early stages of a relationship, with all the flirting and the excitement, are fun!

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your established relationships while also realizing that you are also in the mood for the experiences that come with pursuing something new or more casual. When I get that itch, I usually spend some time bonking around on various dating platforms and have a few flings. Sometimes those flings turn into long-term relationships, sometimes they don’t.

(Always ethically pursue flings - if you know you want something that’s low-commitment and mostly for fun, be up front about that! It’s not usually too hard to find someone interested in the same. There is nothing wrong with enjoying some flirting that isn’t expected to turn into a partnership.)

Of course, it’s also okay to decide that you don’t want to actually pursue a new fling, but that these feelings are alerting you to some unaddressed issues in your existing relationships. Talk to your partners about wanting to pump up the romance, and see if you can’t get creative with some date nights, spiced-up sexual play, or new ways to flirt.

These days, a lot of people are finding outlets in online chats. I actually set my OKCupid range to “anywhere” and messaged people I had a 99% match with, and have made some fun new friends. Consider asking one of your existing partners if they want to swap some steamy stories, and/or poking around the corners of the internet where people who share your interests are hanging out!

I only want to be sexual with my boyfriend, not my husband

My husband and I became poly 4 years ago and I immediately met my bf but was long distance for the first year. He has moved to our state now and I can now see him frequently. I have noticed that over the last 2 years I only want to have sex or be sexual with my bf. I don’t know what to do about this decline in sexual drive for my deeply loved husband. I don’t think this is NRE. I can’t imagine losing either partner. I don’t want to force myself to be sexual if I don’t want to either. Really don’t know what to do. Is this common?

Yes, it is relatively common for there to be ups and downs when it comes to sexual interest with a long term partner, even in monogamous relationships. And when it comes to polyamory, it is also pretty common for new partners to ignite more sexual passion, for a whole host of reasons. You say you don’t think this is NRE, but I think it’s definitely a cousin of NRE.

First, do you know if this bothers your husband? It is entirely possible that the lack of sexual energy between you is mutual, and that he is okay with this new arrangement where you two have an intimate, romantic, loving marriage without needing to find the time and energy for sex. Try opening with the neutral observation: that you’re having less sex lately, but that nothing else seems to be strained. Has he noticed the same? What does he think of it? It may turn out that this is a total non-issue - if both of you are having as much sex as you’d like with each other, there’s no problem!

If he does want to have more sex with you, then you’ll need to figure out where to go from there. Is there something your new partner does that really gets you going? What could you try with your husband to reinvigorate your sex life - anything from reading erotica together, taking a romantic vacation, or setting aside time to give it a good faith effort? Is he interested in seeking sex outside the relationship as well? What compromises are each of you willing to make?

Your actual question was “is this common,” but my answer to that question (yes, it is) doesn’t actually help you much. You’ve got to check in with your husband about what he wants, and needs, and feels, and then do the work to move forward from there. Best of luck!

Since opening our relationship, I worry that I'm not attractive anymore

My partner and I just opened our relationship and she's been with a few people since. At first our sex life with each other was pretty exciting but things have seemed to fizzle out recently. I'm naturally anxious that she doesn't find me so attractive anymore now that she's been with others but I also know that probably isn't a valid feeling. Any advice on navigating these feelings? It's not the lack of sex that's getting to me so much as the idea that I might not be attractive to her anymore.

You've done a good job identifying that these feelings are coming from your anxious tendencies, not empirical observations. Keep working on them from that perspective. Remind yourself that you are not psychic, and assumptions about the inner state of your partner's sexual attraction may not be accurate. 

Identify what your partner does, or can do, to make you feel reassured that she is still attracted to you. Let her know that you might need some extra security around this issue and be clear about what she can do to help you feel better. 

Read up about NRE in polyamorous relationships - this is a pretty common phenomenon. An established partnership's sex and romantic life often 'fizzles' into a dip when a new partner enters the picture. This is common, but can still be painful and disruptive. Being able to name and identify it often helps, though. 

Sometimes, it takes a bit more intentionality and focus to re-ignite what has 'fizzled out' during NRE. Consider planning some date time for just the two of you or trying something new and sexy together (shop for new sex toys together, look into local sexy events, book a sexy photoshoot together, read erotica or watch porn together, take mojo upgrade together, etc.)

That anxious little voice in your head may try to convince you that it "doesn't count" if you have to ask, or if it's not totally spontaneous - but that's bogus. Long-term sexual and romantic relationships require cultivation and attention, and that's just part of opening your relationship in a healthy way.

My partner says mean and hurtful things to me to provoke fights

When I met my partner, he was poly and I was monogamous. When I started to explore more into polyamory myself, he expressed jealousy over the person I went out with and said he wanted to become monogamous with me. After ending it with his other partners, we were exclusive for several months before recently discussing opening things back up. I suggested that we reopen it because it was obvious he still loved at least one of his previous partners very much, but he always said he wanted to remain monogamous. He told me he wanted to get back together with his previous partners, which I was fine with, but then he went on a rant where he compared my influence on his life to my mom's influences on my dad's which was far from healthy and told me he loved his previous two partners more than me. When I told him those comments were unnecessary and hurtful, especially when he knows how I feel about my parents relationship, he said he didn't fully understand their relationship, but agreed that the comment on loving his previous partners more than me was not needed, though he thought at the time I needed to hear that because he expected me to fight back and then admitted that he had considered just cutting me out of his life completely at the time. Now every time he says he loves me it feels like a pit in my stomach and it makes me want to cry. I'm at a loss of where to go from here because I love him very much and I wonder if part of this is just New Relationship Energy taking over for him right now with the reintroduction of two former partners plus the added excitement of two new ones, or if he genuinely doesn't care for me that much.

This letter was originally about twice as long, and I edited it down for length, but what got cut was just a few more examples of your partner being cruel.

LEAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP. This is a person who attempts to pick fights with you just to trigger some conflict, who intentionally brings up and uses against you things that are sensitive points in your life, who threatens you with being cut out of his life, who explicitly says that he loves his other partners more than you.

NONE OF THIS IS OKAY and it borders on abusive. This is NOT excusable as “just New Relationship Energy.” NRE makes you do things like text your new partner all the time or have less time for your long-term partners for a brief period. NRE does not make someone use lies, accusations, insults, and threats to make your existing partner “want to cry.” This person is being cruel and unfair to you. “Love” is not enough here. LEAVE. THIS. RELATIONSHIP.

I’m in a polyamorous relationship and it’s fantastic. I’ve never seen my girlfriend so happy, but here’s the thing, she very extroverted and I’m extremely introverted. I’m ungodly picky, like slow burns and I’ve already shortened my list because I’m a lesbian. How does one go about meeting people without it happening every two years?

Online dating is great for this! It lets you filter for polyamorous lesbians, and lets you check people out and chat from the comfort of your own bed. Plus, you can slow-burn as long as you want over chat!

So are local groups that connect you with like-minded folk who share your hobbies. You can check out groups for lesbians to meet and socialize, and also groups for whatever interests you have. There are “shut up and write” groups in many cities where you get together with a group of people and mostly don’t talk much, just write in each other’s company for a while. Afterwards some people stay and chat or exchange contact info. 

Also, maybe let go of the concept that it’s a problem if you don’t meet many new partners. It sounds like your timeframe works for you: it lets you be picky and doesn’t force you into dating a bunch of people you’re meh on, and it lets you enjoy the slow-burn buildup of a relationship without feeling rushed or pressured. If you are okay with your dating life as it is, but just feel like you’re being left behind by your girlfriend, maybe the solution isn’t for you to find more frequent dates, but for you to cultivate more time with your girlfriend to temper the NRE that pulls her attention away, to spend time with friends or solitary hobbies, and let go of the sense that you need to ‘keep up’ with her dating pace.

Every time my girlfriend starts seeing a new person she kind of forgets about her other partners, or maybe it’s just me, and I’ve tried to talk about it with her and she gets really upset and tells me I’m just being jealous and possessive which isn’t true. She stop paying attention to me, she talks less, seems uninterested, stops asking me to do things, and talks about the other person a lot. The relationships don’t last long but it still bothers me to be cast aside like that. Idk what to do.

This is a relatively well-known phenomenon in polyamory called New Relationship Energy, or NRE. I am of the belief that NRE is everyone’s responsible - the person experiencing NRE needs to manage it such that they aren’t being totally selfish, and the other partners need to recognize that this is part of the ebb and flow of a polyamorous relationship.

Dating a new person is, for some people, fun and exciting and thrilling in a very specific way. Some people don’t like this newness, because things like figuring out how to flirt and not being sure of the other person’s feelings is stressful and exhausting. Some people see the early-dating games as just things you have to get past to be in a comfortable, secure relationship. But, for other people, it is a pleasure that can be nearly impossible to experience inside a long-term relationship.

I am, personally, something of an NRE thrill-seeker. I like being pursued and pursuing; I like the little butterflies I feel when a new partner answers my text. With my partner of 9 years, I absolutely love and enjoy him, but it isn’t super exciting when he answers my texts, because I know he’s going to. I love short little flings, but I recognize that this is not a thing I can expect all my partners to intuitively understand.

The thing about a new relationship is that it does tend to take more time and focus than an established relationship. Rather than coming over and flopping around on the couch if we have nothing planned, new relationships require dates, which require planning and time. And a new person does occupy a lot of thought-space, daydreaming about them, thinking about when and how to answer their most recent message, etc. This necessarily takes time away from established partners.

So it sounds like what’s happening is that your partner really enjoys NRE, but doesn’t have the language to identify what it is and what’s important to her about it. Since she cherishes this feeling, when you ask her to minimize or drop the focus on new partners, she gets defensive and accuses you of being jealous or possessive, because from her perspective, you’re asking her to stop doing something she really enjoys and does not want to stop.

From your perspective, she is “casting you aside,” but from hers, she is just doing something fun with her time, and it doesn’t have anything to do with how she feels about you. It sounds like there is a lot of room for compromise on both sides. She does not owe you 100% of her time and focus, but she also doesn’t have the right to be dismissive or inconsiderate. When she’s enjoying an NRE-heavy fling with a new partner, perhaps you could make the request that she not talk about them with you, that she not be texting them while with you, etc. Whatever specific behavior she is doing that makes you feel like she’s not interested in you, bring that up.

You may also have to make the compromise of accepting that there will be periods where she’s less available to you - just as there would be if you had a partner who traveled often for work or had a very sick relative that they cared for. It sounds like she returns to you in the end and her affection for you at its core isn’t threatened by these flings, so setting up the expectation that sometimes she enjoys throwing herself into a new relationship and you may need to do more of the date-planning or see less of her for a while could help on your end.

Of course, if you find it really uncomfortable to date someone who is way more NRE-seeking than you and who needs the freedom to enter these periods of lower-availability, you are well within your rights to decide that this relationship isn’t for you. But I’ve found that in the case of NRE-induced friction, putting names to the feelings and clarifying expectations can really help. 

Hello! I’m in a relationship that is transitioning to being Poly. My partner is talking to this other girl and I can’t help but be really jealous at the fact that he is so much more affectionate and talkative to her than he ever was with me! I know it must sound silly but it really hurts that she asks him to call him more and he immediately jumps to when I made a similar request at the beginning and he never did. Things like that. Feel a little like a toy that he is bored of.

If this is a new development and your partner is otherwise attentive to your needs, this might just be a classic case of NRE, or “new relationship energy.” It’s common for people to be a bit more excited about a new relationship, and to focus more of their time and attention on it. Often, this tapers off and isn’t a lasting threat to an existing relationship.

But if you feel like he never gave you this kind of attention, even in the beginning of your relationship, and is doing things for her that he was never willing to do for you, that’s a different sort of problem. The best thing to do is to talk to him about this - try to be non-accusatory, if you can. Don’t insist that he’s doing something wrong or that he clearly likes her more. Just point out some specifics in his behavior that have been bothering you, and ask how the two of you can find a way for him to pursue this new relationship without making you feel like he is getting bored of you.

He may respond with surprise - it may be that he has just been making choices without much thought and never stopped to consider that he’s been mismatching his time and attention. If he’s willing to be more sensitive and intentional with making sure he acts on his feelings for you, problem solved. But if he gets defensive, if he acts like you have no right to make these requests of him, or if he insists that your perspective is wrong and you’re getting plenty of his attention, that’s a red flag that this may not be a person you can have a healthy poly relationship with.