I don't want to be polyamorous, and my partner is guilting me about it

My partner is making me feel bad that I’d like to stay monogamous with them and have our romantic relationship be that one. They talk about having to use daydreaming to cope and read fanfiction as well and will do it with me there when I want to try and do stuff with them like hanging out and relaxing together. It just makes me uncomfortable that they have to do it to cope as they put it and we have discussions but it more and more seems to be a “you have to accept this” situation.

If someone asks you for something, and then won't take "no" for an answer, they weren't really asking in the first place.

It's one thing for a partner to ask for a compromise, like that you be okay with them indulging in polyamorous fantasies and fanfiction. But spacing out, ignoring you, or getting lost in any media while they're hanging out with you isn't cool. Ask them if they could put the phone down or try to be more present to you during your time. If they can't or won't, then that's information you have about what being in a relationship with them is like.

I've said before that I really dislike the phrase "cope with" as it relates to a partner's needs or behaviors. If your partner is treating you like something they have to find ways to "cope with," that's an unfair and unhealthy framing. Performing how miserable they are in the terms of your relationship is manipulative, and no one should be guilt-tripped into polyamory. I'm of the opinion that living in resentment is never good, and if you make a decision, you should make it wholeheartedly, and commit.

One of my partners is terribly allergic to cats, so I can't get a cat. If I did, he wouldn't be able to come over to my house, ever, or even cuddle with me without me showering and changing first. This bums me out, because I like cats - but I've decided that it's worth it to stay with him. So I live with that decision, and don't wallow in the "what-if"s. I don't show him photos of cute kittens and say "see, that's what I could have if it wasn't for your issues." I don't bemoan my cat-less life. If having a cat was that important to me, I could leave the relationship. I decided not to - that was my decision, and I need to own and live in that decision. I can be privately bummed out that the stars didn't align for me to have this relationship AND a kitty, but I made my choice, and it's best to move on and live in the world that exists. 

So, you're within your rights to ask your partner to drop this issue, to stop guilting you and making it seem like your relationship is this terrible psychic burden they must cope with. If they can't or won't, you should probably leave the relationship. It's not fair to either of you to stay in this situation, and you don't deserve to feel like a problem to be dealt with.

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My partner insists on dating other people, which makes me miserable

my girlfriend cheated on me with one of our friends. she told me before she cheated that she had feelings for him, but i told her i was not comfortable with it because i am mono and feel horrible about the idea of her with someone else but she kissed him anyways. she now has decided she is dating both of us without my consent. i really do not want to leave our relationship, we both love each other so much and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and i feel like leaving would endanger both mine and her lives. she is not mentally stable but sees a therapist. i don't know what to do, because she says she needs both of us to be happy, but if that happens i’m going to be increasingly depressed. i’m just so lost right now and there doesn’t seem to be any way to solve this.

Your partner cheated on you, is trying to force you into polyamory without your consent, and is holding your emotions hostage by saying that you being happy is a "need" that somehow she deserves to have met. You know that staying in this relationship on these terms will make you "increasingly depressed." Friend, you've got to leave this relationship.

What you want to keep is your ideal, best-case-scenario possibility of this relationship, not the reality of it. What you're holding onto doesn't exist anymore. The sooner you get out, the sooner you can start healing.

It is not okay, and not healthy, to be held hostage to implied, or explicit, threats of suicide. You are not obligated to stay with someone just because their mental health would be impacted by you leaving. It's okay to call your partner's therapist and see if they can help you and her through this; or to ask your partner if you can come to a session with her. You also absolutely need to see someone yourself - please find a therapist asap. Reach out to friends for support. Don't get dragged into a spiral of managing her mental health for her; if she threatens self-harm or suicide, connect her to her therapist, a hotline, or a friend, and then take space. 

Check out my mental health resources here, and good luck getting out of this situation. You don't deserve to feel so trapped and unhappy.

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I've realized that my polyamory is a dealbreaker and I need to leave my 5-year mono relationship

I have been in a monogamous lesbian relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years, when about a year and a half ago, I realized that I am both bi + poly. I did a lot of research + soul searching, and then 8 months ago I told her how I was feeling. It didn't go well, we swept it under the rug and I've tried very hard just to sit on these feelings. I realized now that for me, it's my identity and likely a deal breaker: how do I have this conversation again, knowing it will end in a breakup?

If you know it will end in a breakup, there's not much else to be done, or scripted, or strategized. It's heartbreaking and painful to end a 5 year relationship, but it's understandable, and normal, to have to do so after learning about a dealbreaker.

You let her know that you've tried monogamy with her, and you've tried to 'sit on' these feelings, and now you have 8 months worth of information about how it feels and whether it's working for her. You explain that, unfortunately, you've realized this is a dealbreaker, and so you need to break the deal, and leave the relationship. This conversation will suck - breakups always do. But it's important and necessary.

Try not to frame it as "you wouldn't let me date polyamorously, so I have to leave - this is your fault." It's no one's fault, it's just how the universe has shaken out. You two were good together for five years, and nothing can change or erase that, but you're not good to continue dating into the future. Give her the space she needs to grieve, and rage. Best of luck. 

I want a polyamorous arrangement, but my girlfriend does not.

I have always known that I'm polyamorous, and I want to try an arrangement with my girlfriend but she cant stand the thought of me being with other people, sexually or emotionally. I've tried to explain my intentions, and that me seeing others will never lead me to not loving her, but she refuses to give it a go. We've been at a loss for quite some time now. Any thoughts?

My thoughts are that you are, as you put it, "at a loss." She "can't stand the thought" of it and "refuses to give it a go." There are no magic words you can say to change her mind about that. For some people, polyamory is just not a healthy and fulfilling choice.

If a polyamorous arrangement is critical for you, then this relationship won't work out. Couples run into 'dealbreakers' all the time - one wants kids, the other doesn't; one wants to move to Iceland and become a goat farmer, the other doesn't. 

 

I want to be with a polyamorous guy, but I am mono and I'm not sure it can work

I am a monogamous girl and fell in love with a poly guy. I am a very insecure person and it hurts me just thinking about him being with another girl but on the other side, I understand this is who he is and it doesn’t make his love for me any different. I want nothing more than to be with him, but is it truly possible for a mono and poly person to be together? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

The world is a rich tapestry and almost anything is possible. Could *a* mono person and *a* poly person be happy together? Entirely possible. Could *you* be happy with *this* poly guy? Sounds a lot less likely.

It sounds like intellectually, you understand how his polyamory functions; but emotionally, it causes you a lot of pain. That's okay. There are a lot of instances where we 'know' something but still feel differently. It may be that you can't logic and reason yourself out of being monogamous and really needing a monogamous relationship to feel happy and safe. If being with someone "hurts you," then you probably shouldn't stay in this relationship. Incompatibility sucks, but it happens. 

If you want to try and work on this, consider moving out of the framing of "I am a very insecure person" to "I struggle with insecurity." It's not an inherent part of who you are, it's a feeling you have that can be sat with, worked on, interrogated, etc. Ask yourself where those feelings come from, whether they reflect reality, whether they are serving you, and what alternatives might there be. (Even if you don't decide to work on this relationship, that sort of reframing will serve you well in all things.) 

But honestly, it sounds like a core part of who you are and what you need in a relationship conflicts with a core part of who he is and what he needs in a relationship. Don't do yourself the disservice of trying to silence and ignore your very real feelings and needs with over-intellectualizing and excessive sacrifice. If it's hurting you, let go of it. 

 

If I'm polyam, should I date someone who's mono?

hello! if i'm polyamorous, should i get into a relationship with someone who is monogamous?

I wouldn't advise it - read through the archives of my blog to see a lot of examples of this not working out. But then again, the only people who write in to an advice column are people who need help with something. There could be tons of people out there in perfectly happy mono/poly relationships.

It's okay for some things to be dealbreakers - what are yours? Think through what you're willing to give up for that relationship. Don't go in hoping that you can change their mind or work up to opening up the relationship. It's okay to decide that you want to try and make it work. It's okay to decide that it's just not meant to be. Ultimately, that's your call.

I’m poly and my bf is mono. I recently caught feelings for a coworker and my bf is not happy about it. We’ve been together for 6 years and I don’t want to ruin that. Can I change to be mono? Maybe therapy? It’s killing me and I don’t know what to do.

There is no poly-to-mono conversion therapy, nor should there be. If you have an inherent ability and desire to love multiple people at once, well, that’s who you are.

You can’t really change your feelings, but what you can focus on is how you choose to act on those feelings. A lot of relationships - heck, a lot of adult life - requires you to not pursue every single fun, good-feeling thing.

While this isn’t exactly a core aspect of my identity, I frequently have feelings that make me want to skip work and lounge in the pool instead. But I choose not to act on those desires, because even though I want something, it doesn’t mean I want it badly enough to risk something very important to me, like my job and my ability to provide for myself and my family.

Sometimes I encounter a Very Rude Person and want to tell them to fuck right off, but if they are a guest of a friend of mine, I choose instead to be politely avoidant. My point is, it’s possible to have impulses and not act on them, or desires and not pursue them. In my experience, that’s a lot easier than simply trying to shut down the impulses and desires at the root.

I’m afraid it’s not going to end well if you just try to thinkify or therapize yourself out of being polyamorous - but you can manage and work the those feelings for your coworker in a way that prevents them from impacting this relationship that you cherish. You could choose to spend less time talking to said coworker, or try to ‘close the door’ to the part of your mind that sees him as a potential sexual/romantic option. It is okay to let yourself think “I want this, but not bad enough to pay what it costs.”

(Of course, if this becomes impossible and untenable, and not being able to express or live into your polyamorous self leads to misery and resentment, then you need to think about whether suppressing those desires long-term is healthy for you and your relationship or whether you need to make a different set of choices. But that’s not really what you asked.)

My boyfriend is poly but I’m not and he really wants to bring my best friend into our relationship (who he has had a previous relationship with) and keeps suggesting it to me, I’m trying to make him understand that I can’t force myself to do that. It’s making me so upset and I don’t know what to do

Remember that “no” is a complete sentence. If you’ve been very clear with your boyfriend that you do not want to include this person in your relationship, and he continues to push, you need to lay down that boundary: “I’ve told you that I will not do that, and it makes me very upset when you refuse to take no for an answer.” 

At that point, if he still refuses to “understand,” that’s on him. You may need to reconsider whether you can be in a healthy, happy relationship with someone who cannot accept your boundaries and keeps pushing on something you’ve made clear is non-negotiable.

I’m dating a cis dude and when I brought up poly he accepted it but now he’s asking if I couldn’t just “stop”? I can’t and I don’t know how to go about this.

If your partner wants you to “stop” being or doing something that you can not or will not stop, you two are at an impasse. 

Explain to him that polyamory is important to you, and dating you means accepting those terms. If he decides not to date you because he realized he doesn’t want to date on those terms, that’s his informed choice.

Just because someone said they were okay with something in the beginning doesn’t mean they aren’t allowed to change their minds. That’s what dating is all about: you spend time with someone and get to know them so you can figure out whether you want to commit to them long-term. It sounds like he gave it a try and doesn’t like it. That’s his right. But him realizing that means he has the choice to end the relationship now that he realizes it isn’t working for him - not that he gets to demand major changes from you.

I’ve been happily in a relationship with my best friend for 3 years & always been honest about the fact I wasn’t mono but nothing happened until last weekend where I met a guy I really liked & drunkenly kissed (a lot). Now the shitty situation: my partner feels betrayed & this other guy wants a serious relationship (I don’t) & doesn’t know I’m poly. I’m new to poly, I don’t know what to do

You say you’re “new to poly,” but I’m hesitant to call this situation polyamory. It’s unclear here what the terms of your relationship with your partner really were. You say you have always been honest about not being mono, but did that extend to making sure your partner understood that you intended to pursue people outside the relationship if and when you got the chance? Or was it framed as just something about yourself rather than an explicit expectation of your relationship?

If you have been in a relationship with someone for 3 years without working this out clearly and explicitly, they may have been under a different impression about the nature of your relationship. In your eyes, you were a poly person who just happened to be only dating one person because no one else was in your life at that time. But in their eyes, was it a monogamous relationship? You cannot rely on assumptions - terms need to be clear and consented to by all parties.

Find out why your partner feels betrayed. You need to be really honest with yourself about what was explicit and what was assumed when you said you “weren’t mono.” 3 years is a long time to let someone assume your relationship is monogamous. It sounds like you needed to do more communicating with your partner before getting intimate with someone else to make sure they understood what you meant by “I’m not mono” and are okay with those relationship terms. If they consider what you did cheating, you need to engage with their feelings on those terms rather than insisting that they implicitly consented by continuing to date you after you said you weren’t mono.

As for the other guy, if he wants a serious relationship and you don’t, then tell him no. If he doesn’t know you’re poly - if you got together with him under the implication that you don’t currently have any other partners - that is a major problem, and in my opinion, a consent violation. But it sounds like your bigger focus right now needs to be on your existing relationship, not figuring out how to say “Hey, I know you think I’m single and you want to date me, but actually I have a long term committed partner and I don’t want to date you, but let’s keep making out because that was fun.”

I have been with my partner for over 8yrs and have recently started to identify as non-monogamous. I told her a few weeks ago and we’ve been having a really rough go at meeting each other emotionally. I actually stepped away from her for a week and it was one of the calmest times of my life, I felt free. I love her, but I also want to explore this b/c I’ve been suppressing it for a while now. How can we do this?

If spending time away from your partner made you feel calm and free, that’s a pretty major sign that something significant needs to change: either you need to heal a deep wound in that relationship, or you need to leave that relationship.

Non-monogamy is not a cure-all to solve existing problems in a relationship. Quite the opposite, in fact. Opening an existing relationship requires that relationship to be on a solid foundation of honesty, trust, and affection. If you two are struggling to meet each other’s needs right now, and spending time apart makes you feel better than spending time together, the immediate solution is not to try and explore non-monogamy.

You have two options: one is to stay in this relationship and try to address the fundamental issues preventing you from feeling calm and free. That may mean going to counseling together or reading some self-help books about communication and emotional intimacy together. If you discover that the issue is not with her specifically, but that you just won’t be happy in a monogamous relationship, that’s a different issue - but figuring that out will take time, honest introspection, and openness. 

The other option is to leave this relationship, not necessarily because you two can’t be non-monogamous together, but because regardless of the terms of your relationship, you are just not happy together. If you really believe that your recently expressed interest in non-monogamy is the only source of these issues, talk that out - but it sounds like it’s the opposite, that she isn’t meeting your needs and you’ve identified non-monogamy as a way to get those needs met without having to break up. That is, unfortunately, not how relationships work. If you truly felt so calm and free as soon as you got some space from her, my advice would be to make that space more permanent. 

I am and always have been poly, and monogamy is a very hard pill to swallow. However, I have been monogamous to my partner for over a year now. (This is literally driving me INSANE.) My former partner, whom was very okay with my being poly, is coming back to the country soon, and I would very much like to connect with him. But my current partner is not as comfortable with the thought of a poly relationship. I love them, and I don’t want to break up over my sexuality, but don’t know what to do.

If a relationship, or the terms of a relationship, are “literally” making you insane, you need to first, see a therapist who specializes in poly relationship issues, and second, seriously re-evaluate this relationship.

You don’t want to be monogamous with this person, and you don’t want to break up with them…but ultimately, you’re going to have to make that choice. Yes, it is possible that your partner might come around to monogamy, but that is not something you can control, and if I’m honest, it’s rare for someone who is deeply uncomfortable with polyamory and identifies as monogamous to make that total shift. (This happens, but it is rare.) You can gently suggest polyamory to your current partner, but you should not pressure or cajole, and ultimately it is their call - it’s not like there is a set of magic words or emotional moves you can use to unlock their potential for healthy polyamory. Just like ultimately it is your call whether to continue with monogamy - a painful sacrifice on your part - or not. 

(Again, this is why I think it’s OK and even productive to see poly/mono as ways of being rather than 100% choice-driven, because it gives mono people the power and the safety to say no, this is just not what I’m cut out for, it’s not that I’m being stubborn or refusing to try, it is just not healthy for me. Just like for you, monogamy is a choice you’ve been willing to make for their sake, but it’s very difficult for you and doesn’t seem to be getting easier.)

We all in life have to make difficult choices between two things that both offer pros and cons. Stay with your partner in a monogamous relationship, or leave them to pursue polyamory? Both choices will bring a serious loss but also a serious gain. Only you can decide which is the best, most fulfilling choice for you right now.

i identify as poly, and when i got with my current primary partner (we are married) I had just gotten out of a 5yr mono relationship, so we agreed that we would be open to new partners. my first secondary partner she mostly avoided, and the second who she agreed would make an excellent third for a triad and I had come to consider my life partner, she decided that she hated. finally she told me that she doesn’t actually want a poly relationship. what am I supposed to do? i feel so lost.

It sounds like you’re married to someone who is not cut out for being in a polyamorous relationship. That’s really hard, but it sounds like she tried polyamory and ultimately realized it wasn’t healthy or working for her. All you can ask of her is that honesty.

Your choice now is to stay in a monogamous relationship with this person, or leave to pursue polyamory. You could keep pushing for polyamory, but then her choice is to stay in a polyamorous relationship or leave to pursue monogamy. This is a tough situation, but there’s no way for everyone to get everything they want.

I’m poly and I’m married. My husband isn’t poly but is ok with me being poly. I started dating this girl and he once mentioned maybe down the line that he might get feelings for her one day and I freaked out. I don’t want to be hypocritical but I don’t want him having feelings for anyone else but me. He’s mono and if he gets feelings for someone else that makes me feel like I’m not enough for him. Is this weird? Please help. He feels like I don’t know what I want but that’s not true.

In the general case, I’d say that yes, wanting to be able to date other people but not wanting your partner to have that freedom isn’t fair or sustainable.

I think based on your wording that your issue here is a sort of logic problem: if your husband identifies as mono, then that means he can only love one person at a time. Therefore, if he develops feelings for someone else, that threatens his feelings for you.

But if you let go of this expectation that your husband’s identity is fixed forever, and that it has such far-reaching implications, it might be a lot easier for you to understand his growing feelings for this new person. You yourself fully understand that it’s possible to have a relationship with another person without any threat to your feelings for your husband.

Your husband may identify as mono in general, but it’s no surprise that he might be developing feelings for the person you’ve become intimately involved with. Clearly she has a lot in common with the person he already loves! 

Do some introspection and try to determine what’s so important to you about maintaining the poly/mono dynamic you currently have, and try to work through some of your own expectations or preferences. I think it could be an awesome and beautiful thing if your husband saw you practicing healthy, fulfilling polyamory and was able to find himself open to trying it!

I’m in a pickle. My bf and I decided we were both poly months ago and have been exploring other relationships. This week he has decided it was a mistake and has asked for us to close our relationship. He’s asking me to give up the relationship I’ve started with another man who I think I’m in love with. I don’t want to lose either but it seems I have no choice because he’s giving me ultimatums.

My very first poly partner gave me this advice: If someone is forcing you to choose between them and someone else, always go with the person who’s not asking you to choose. Kimchi Cuddles recently also did a comic about this issue.

This is one reason many singles are skeptical of getting involved with people who are already part of an established couple that decided to “open up” the relationship. Due to something called “couples privilege,” it’s often the already established couple that gets prioritized in any conflict. But it doesn’t have to be like that - just because your boyfriend has been with you longer doesn’t mean he’s automatically the person you owe allegiance to.

If you love this new partner, and he’s shown himself to be someone capable of giving you a healthy, fulfilling, polyamorous relationship - if he has his house more in order, so to speak, and what he offers is potential for growth and openness - keep that in mind. If it’s more important to you to keep exploring this potential, both with this man and with polyamory in general, it’s okay to leave your boyfriend who’s demanding that you give something up and go for this new opportunity. If it’s more important to stay with your boyfriend, it’s okay to call off this experiment in polyamory. Only you can make that call.

I just figured out I’m poly and my current gf is upset over it and has been upset and jealous over me because of a girl I’ve been taking to. She keeps asking me to break up with her if I do like someone else and it’s so confusing

It sounds like your girlfriend understands what she needs and has set clear boundaries for you. You discovered something new about yourself, and she has a right to respond to that in a way that works for her. She doesn’t want to date someone who is poly, and she’s made that clear to you - it sounds like this relationship needs to end.

If I started dating someone and a few years in he decided to get really into free climbing, which is a very dangerous sport, I might realize that I just can’t be with someone who free climbs. If I felt intolerable anxiety every time he engaged with his hobby, I might have to leave the relationship. It’s okay for him to discover new things about himself, but it’s also okay for me to make new choices based on changes in the relationship.

Do your best to make the breakup healthy and amicable, and honor her choices - you’re allowed to have feelings for someone else, but she’s allowed to decide that she can’t be with someone who is having those kinds of feelings. Start reading up on polyamory and get your emotional house in order so you can begin some healthy poly relationships.

I’m mono and dating a poly girl and she’s also dating another girl and I love her, but I can’t do it. I’m not going to ask her to stop being herself for me, but watching her love someone else is killing me. What do I do? I feel inferior.

You are not inferior. Monogamy is not a lesser state of being than polyamory. It is just a different way of being.

If you’re in a relationship that feels like it’s “killing you,” and you feel like you “can’t do it,” the best thing to do is leave that relationship. Sometimes things don’t work out between two people, and it doesn’t mean either one is wrong, or flawed, or inferior.

Congratulations on being strong and open enough to try out this kind of relationship. There is no shame or inferiority in realizing after you’ve tried something that it isn’t right for you. 

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so, i met this poly couple. they’re married. they’ve expressed great interest in me, but my only interest is in the wife. it’s been about three months since we’ve met, and a lot has gone on since then. i often feel jealous or envious when i see him touching her. but i know that they’re married, and have been with each other for seven years, so i never feel like taking her from him. that’s just wrong. i’m just debating on whether or not i should continue to pursue a relationship with her. i just always feel so bad when i go over there, ya know? the last time i stayed i got a panic attack from seeing him dry hump her. it was just so terrible… but i like her alot. she told me she thinks she’s falling in love with me. a part of me wants to leave, but the other part wants to see how things will play out.

Panic attacks are nothing to mess around with. If a relationship is putting that much psychological and emotional strain on you, it’s usually healthiest to get out of it. Even if this woman is great for you, the circumstances just aren’t. 

It’s okay not to be okay with polyamory. I wouldn’t date a guy who’s a smoker, even if he’s otherwise amazing, because being around smoke and the smoky smell makes me so uncomfortable. You aren’t obligated to put up with a situation that makes you sick, for any reason.

Find someone to date whose relationship terms work better for you. And, if you aren’t already, I strongly recommend that you get treatment for the panic attacks. It’s totally valid to get upset in upsetting situations, but if you’re having panic attacks, that’s a different animal, and you deserve to get help and feel better.

I am a married man mid 50’s and really want to bring another person into our relationship. We have done this in the past but it was on a more casual basis. My wife has zero interest and it doesn’t matter to her if it was a male or female she has no interest. I’m feeling like the years are slipping away for this type of fun and would like to do this again. I am not interested in leaving my wife we are just different in this respect please give me some advice.

If your wife has “zero interest” in doing this, and you are not interested in leaving your wife to pursue this, it sounds like you’re at an impasse. There are no magical words I can give you to say that will change her mind.

You might want to ask yourself why you feel drawn to bring another person into the relationship. If it’s about reinvigorating your sex life, talk to your wife about some things she might be more willing to try that interest both of you. If it’s about additional companionship, consider trying to make close friendships with other couples that aren’t necessarily sexual, but could be intimate in their own way. 

Remember that all relationships require some sacrifice. If your wife one day decided she wanted to move to a tropical island and open a coconut smoothie shack, and you really wanted to stay with the home and life and career you’ve built, one of you would have to budge or you’d have to split up. All relationships hit big decisions at some point - this is a hard one to make, but you’ve got to make it and commit to your choice.

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So, I’m poly, but I’ve been in a mono relationship for 5years. We agreed to be monogamous because the thought of either of us being with other people makes her uncomfortable, but I’m realizing that I want an open relationship. Every time I breach the subject she asks why she’s not enough for me. I don’t know how to help her understand, I would rather be mono with her than poly without her, but I really want to explore outside relationships. How do I help her understand that this isn’t about her?

One of the most agonizing things about other people is the fact that you can’t ever see or tinker with their inner thoughts and perceptions. No matter what, you can’t beam a thought or an understanding into someone else’s head. So it might not be possible to help your partner see that your polyamory doesn’t mean she isn’t enough - she might never get there.

I find it’s easier to be patient, gentle, and validating with other people when we remember the fact that it’s not a matter of saying the right words to rearrange their thoughts to agree with ours.

But there are ways you can talk to her about this, if she’s receptive. The way I describe it is by asking people which they like more: their car, or their bed? It’s a nonsense question; cars are awful to sleep in, but beds won’t get you anywhere. It’s not that my car isn’t a good enough bed for me, or that my bed is a bad car. My bed can be a completely awesome bed and meet all my sleeping needs, but I still also like my car! I can appreciate my car and my bed on their own, awesome terms.

You can also encourage her to do her own reading - find articles online that you think capture your perspective accurately, or read The Ethical Slut and More Than Two together.

But in the end, you might not be able to change her mind. And if it’s true that you’d rather be mono with her than poly without her, there’s a point at which you should drop this issue if it starts to upset her or erode her trust and security in the relationship. 

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