Was my relationship poly?

Hi in October of 2019 I was at my school dance and at the end 3 other girls and I decided we were dating I guess. Then one of the girls left. And then a few days or weeks later because I don’t remember, someone else came in I guess?And then another one of the first three girls left. Then the girl that joined moved away and it was really confusing Bc I didn’t know whether we were over or not. And we (the other two) didn’t talk to her for a while. And then a few weeks later we all broke up. Poly?

Based on the fact that this happened at a school dance and you refer to yourselves  as “girls,” I’m going to guess that all parties involved are under 18. Now, I’m not saying that people under 18 can’t be polyamorous or can’t know that they are polyamorous - but in your case, it sounds like this is just standard teenage messiness.

It’s really hard to be a young person navigating relationships. You have these moments, like dances, where there’s so much external pressure to feel and do certain things. You face a lot of ambiguity and a lack of agency when it comes to things like moves and staying in touch. Everyone is still figuring out who they are, what they want, and how they communicate.

If you feel like your relationship was polyamorous, then that label can be helpful for you! Wanting to date as a group, or getting involved in a multi-person relationship, is definitely an indication that something polyamory-shaped is going on! Using that label might be able to help you find resources to prevent drama like this in the future and understand more about what you want in relationships.

But if this was an unpleasant experience, one you found confusing and don’t particularly want to repeat, then it doesn’t really matter what you call it. It sounds like a painful and frustrating episode in your young dating life, and it’s more important to take care of yourself than to figure out exactly what set of letters and syllables you think people on the internet might apply to the situation.

I’m a 15 year old demisexual girl and I’ve never been in a real relationship before. I’ve just discovered polyamory and I feel like I might be poly. But I’m not sure and I don’t know a lot about it and it sounds really right in my heart. I’m not sure and I need help learning more about it.

Most 15 year olds have never been in a “real relationship” yet. You’re definitely in the majority there!

There are tons of resources out there to learn about polyamory! You can find a bunch of them on my poly resources page here. There lots of resources online that you can read, and I also strongly recommend the books listed there as well! If you don’t have the ability to order books on Amazon, you can ask a local librarian to help you out with that.

It can feel daunting to just jump feet-first into a whole whirl of information, though, especially since much of it is aimed at adults and has a focus on things like sex, marriage, health insurance, parenting, and other stuff you may not be interested in at 15. So here are some things to start you off:

• Polyamory article at Scarleteen 
• A Vice interview about young poly people
• Queer Youth Radio: Exploring Healthy Polyamory
• Polyamory basics at More Than Two
• Long-form piece on polyamory in The Atlantic
• Polyamory article in The Guardian
• Polyamory article by BBC
• So You Want To Try Polyamory at Everyday Feminism
  

Remember that you don’t need to pin down your identity and carve it in stone at 15! This is an age to get to know yourself, experiment, figure out what works for you, try new things, make mistakes, try more things, and have a lot of fun. Put yourself first, do what feels good, and you’ll find your way!

Many people ask “How can I talk about polyamory to the person I like?” and I know the answer is communication. The problem is that I am 17 and kids my age aren’t very open minded. How can I tell a guy/girl what I like without being bullied?

I work with teens, and I can confirm that while they do tend to rebel against the status quo in many ways, teenagers actually do tend to be more conservative when it comes to things like gender roles, homophobia, etc. Online, you may find many young people who have very open minds, but the average teenager right now tends to have pretty rigid attitudes about how relationships should be.

There is no surefire way to prevent people from bullying you, and there is no guarantee that you can explain polyamory to a peer of yours and have them understand. Dating polyamorously in a culture that is hostile to it - whether it’s due to age, politics, religion, or another demographic - can be very difficult.

My advice to you is to read up on polyamory and develop a strong sense of yourself as a young poly person, so you are prepared to explain and perhaps defend yourself when people ask you questions. You may want to have some quick definitions and examples ready to pull out, and some “Poly 101″ resources to share with people who are more interested.

As a student, you can also use that to your advantage - if an assignment permits, you may be able to do research on healthy nonmonogamy and present it to your classmates! You could also see if there is an LGBTQ+ club on your campus that you could partner with to raise awareness about polyamory and host events for any student interested in “alternative” (as much as I hate that term) relationships.

When you like someone, it’s okay to be clear about what you’re interested in - “I want to date you, but also be able to date other people. It’s called polyamory, and I’m happy to answer your questions about it!” They might say they’re not okay with it, which is their right. But hopefully anyone worthy of your affection isn’t someone who will turn around and bully you over that. And if people do, keep your head up and know that as soon as you get into your late teens and early twenties, your world will open up to include a lot more people familiar with, and down for, polyamorous relationships.