The hardest part about being in a ldr poly relationship for me is feeling like I’m being left out of my partners life. Their other partners get to go on dates and spend time with them but I don’t and I feel like I’m always the last person to know things that are happening. It makes me feel really distant with my partner. What do you suggest I do?

Long distance is so hard! My current partner and I were long distance for 4 years, and I just ended a 6 year ldr, so I totally feel you. Basically, the number one thing to do is: talk to your partner. Let them know this makes you feel unhappy and see if you two can work together to find ways of bridging that distance that work for both of you.

I find that it’s the little things that can make or break that feeling of connectedness and shared lives. Knowing what they had for lunch or what they chatted about with their boss that day takes a lot more effort to share across distance, but it’s what keeps you close. Silly little texts throughout the day like “hey I saw this dog” go a long way; don’t wait for a long catch-up session.

Here is a previous column of mine where I give some advice about how to stay connected during a long distance relationship. If both of you are okay with it, try and set a routine of more frequent, low-key contact. If their job, routine, or preferences don’t allow for that, you’ll need to talk more about how to get your needs met.

I am also a firm believer in the magic of the group chat. Set up a text chain, a slack team, a google hangout, whatever, with you, them, and their other partners and just be silly and chatty in there. (This doesn’t work for everyone; some people hate group chats. But I find that if you can find a platform that works for everyone, they really foster intimacy.)

Previous columns on this:

Group chats & shared experiences

Keeping communication open across distance

Managing when your LDR partner can pay different attention to their proximal partners