My partner and I want to know what being polyamorous is like and how it works

My partner and I are trying to be poly. How does it work between you and your partner(s)? How did you start -- conversations, reading, meeting people? What is your network like? What is the relationship between and among people in your network?

These are huge, broad questions that would take a long time to type full answers to. I strongly encourage you to read through my FAQ and the archives of this blog, and check out the resources linked here. There are tons of first-person accounts, examples, interviews, anecdotes, etc. that can provide a range of answers to the questions you posed here.

No one can provide a roadmap for you and your partner. What works for someone else might not work for you two, so it's unwise to take someone else's story and set that up as a blueprint to strive towards. Do your research and educate yourselves, but don't be too reliant on other people to hold your hand and teach you how to be polyamorous.

Since opening our relationship, I worry that I'm not attractive anymore

My partner and I just opened our relationship and she's been with a few people since. At first our sex life with each other was pretty exciting but things have seemed to fizzle out recently. I'm naturally anxious that she doesn't find me so attractive anymore now that she's been with others but I also know that probably isn't a valid feeling. Any advice on navigating these feelings? It's not the lack of sex that's getting to me so much as the idea that I might not be attractive to her anymore.

You've done a good job identifying that these feelings are coming from your anxious tendencies, not empirical observations. Keep working on them from that perspective. Remind yourself that you are not psychic, and assumptions about the inner state of your partner's sexual attraction may not be accurate. 

Identify what your partner does, or can do, to make you feel reassured that she is still attracted to you. Let her know that you might need some extra security around this issue and be clear about what she can do to help you feel better. 

Read up about NRE in polyamorous relationships - this is a pretty common phenomenon. An established partnership's sex and romantic life often 'fizzles' into a dip when a new partner enters the picture. This is common, but can still be painful and disruptive. Being able to name and identify it often helps, though. 

Sometimes, it takes a bit more intentionality and focus to re-ignite what has 'fizzled out' during NRE. Consider planning some date time for just the two of you or trying something new and sexy together (shop for new sex toys together, look into local sexy events, book a sexy photoshoot together, read erotica or watch porn together, take mojo upgrade together, etc.)

That anxious little voice in your head may try to convince you that it "doesn't count" if you have to ask, or if it's not totally spontaneous - but that's bogus. Long-term sexual and romantic relationships require cultivation and attention, and that's just part of opening your relationship in a healthy way.

My partner is in a cheating relationship with someone else

My fiancé is seeing a girl who has a bf but the bf doesn’t know about my fiancé. I know that polyamory preaches ethical practices. While I would never choose a partner that didn’t have another partner’s consent, I believe it’s my fiancé’s right to choose who she sees and the girl’s right to keep it a secret, as long as it does not directly affect me. I guess I’ve made a decision for myself but just wanted to hear someone else’s thoughts.

I personally would not be okay in such a situation, but I recognize that my options would be limited. I could make it clear that I was not okay with this situation and would not stay in a relationship under these terms, but if my fiancé chose to keep seeing this person, I would need to break up with someone I loved enough to get engaged to. Which is a pretty major choice and serious compromise. Different people will make different choices about what their core dealbreakers are and are not.

Consider what might be at stake in terms of drama. If the boyfriend finds out, he might make vengeful choices that blow back on you. If your fiancé's partner feels the need to act irresponsibly or selfishly to protect herself, that also puts you at risk. Are there any personal or professional threats that would be too big to make this worth it? Consider also that STI risks are much higher when all partners are not open and honest about their multiple partners. Again, different people have different risk tolerances. Make sure you know yours.

Consider what this says about your partner as well. Are there any questions about her judgment or character that this raises for you? How has she explained this situation to you? Has she asked you to do anything you find questionable to help her maintain this secret relationship? Are you okay being engaged to someone whose values differ from yours in this way?

There's also the issue where, any time someone is part of a minority group, they are expected to represent that entire group. It's bullshit and unfair, but it happens. Your fiancé is doing the polyamorous community a disservice by acting unethically and participating in cheating under the guise of a polyamorous identity. If/when the boyfriend finds out, there will be one more person in the world with a justifiable belief that polyamorous people are immoral predators - and if my inbox is any indication, there are plenty of those people out there. If you are someone who identifies as polyamorous, you may want to have a talk with your partner about her concept of what 'polyamory' means and how you are personally impacted by her choices.

I don't know how to identify "love" outside of monogamy

Hey! I'm newly in a triad with a couple that's been together for almost 5 years. I don't really know how to tell if I'm in love or just really like them. All the previous definitions of love I've had were very monogamous and idk how to draw the line between just really liking them and being in love.

This is a tough spot to be in - we are taught through media and socialization and all sorts of other sources that you "know" you're "in love" when you "only want to be with them" or "see yourself with just them for the rest of your life." So it's very fair to feel adrift and confused when you're in a romantic situation that you don't have a lot of models or blueprints for.

My advice would be to let go of this question. There is an entire dynamic, complex, highly individualized realm of human emotion that can't really be distilled down into a binary of "in love" vs. "just really like." You feel what you feel right now - find words for it that fit, without worrying about whether a specific word tied to a limited construct fits perfectly.

Do you feel committed? How committed? What kind of sacrifices and compromises do you feel willing to make? Not willing to make? What kinds of songs, images, and symbols capture your relationship well? What do you like to do together? What makes you feel happy, grateful, or fulfilled in this relationship? What positive things about yourself do your partners draw out?

Find ways to describe and understand your relationship that are unique and specific - because your relationship is unique and specific. Everyone's is, whether they're poly or mono. What I feel as "love" for my partner might not be what someone else identifies as "love." What I experience in a healthy relationship is different than what someone else needs. Don't worry about whether what you feel meets the "true" or "real" or "correct" definition of one word.

My wife is looking for a girlfriend

Hi my wife and I are trying to find her a gf any tips on where to start?

Here is my FAQ page on finding polyamorous people to date.

And here is my FAQ page on couples looking for people to date. It's not clear from your message whether your wife is looking to date someone on your own, but if she is, I would caution you to maybe be less involved than your message implies. Being "scouted" to become someone's girlfriend by her and her spouse can feel objectifying and threatening.

If your wife wants a girlfriend, she should do what any woman looking for a girlfriend does - make an online dating profile, hang out where women interested in dating women also hang out, be flirty and genuine, etc. That's the place to start!

How can I actually start working on my issues around OPPs?

I've found a great many articles about OPP and why it does nothing helpful, but I'm having difficulty finding anything on eliminating or overcoming the feelings that lead to the "need" of an OPP in the first place. I think/feel I may be poly, I think my wife is poly, but before I broach this with her, I want to get these jealousies and insecurities under control first. Could you offer any strategies or point me somewhere that can help me? Thank you!

I absolutely love this question - this is one of my favorite questions I've ever gotten. Short of popping over to your closest liberal arts college for a quick minor in gender studies and queer theory, there's a lot you can do and read to try interrogating the feelings and assumptions behind an OPP!

There are a lot of strategies from CBT/DBT to help you examine this - there is a delicate "switch point" where a feeling becomes a fact, and it's in that point that you'll be doing most of the work.

"I feel threatened" becomes "This thing makes me feel threatened" becomes "This thing is threatening me" becomes "This thing is inherently dangerous and should be avoided for my own safety."  And it's totally understandable that we go through that unconscious process - we have to be able to rely on our perception of the world! But sometimes, assumptions and prejudices warp what feels like simple observations.

You can try and stop that nearly automatic thought process with awareness and intentionality. When a feeling-fact comes up, ask yourself:

• Where did this information come from?
• What is the evidence for and against?
• What would the world look like if that was true?
• Does the world look like that?
• What else might be true?
• How does this thought make me want to act?
• How might I act if something else was true? 

I think it also helps to be aware of where certain ideas come from. Again, things often seem like "facts" because they're just floating around in our world being taken for granted, but they become much easier to challenge when you can actually see them as products of a specific worldview rather than just how the world works. 

• When you were growing up, what were you told about men, masculinity, and male sexuality?
• What were you told about women, femininity, and female sexuality?
• How were you taught to understand gender and sexuality?
• What messages from songs, movies, books, and culture have you internalized?
• How do you interpret your own sexual feelings and desires?
• What of your own thoughts and feelings might you be projecting onto a theoretical other man? Where did those thoughts and feelings come from?

Imagination and thought exercises are also powerful tools:

• Think about your partner having sex with a man. What feelings come up?
• In this image, how similar is the scenario to your partner having sex with you (assuming you are a man)? How different is it? 
• Think about your partner having sex with a woman. What feelings come up?
• What feels different to you, between the two?
• Why does it feel different?
• How might you feel about your partner seeing a trans man? A trans woman?
• In each case, what is your best-case-scenario? What is your worst-case scenario?

It might seem cheesy, but journaling about these questions - actually brainstorming and writing down what you actually think and where you think those thoughts came from - can really help. Sometimes, getting into the nitty gritty of what you actually think and why can help you let go of assumptions that aren't really well supported or aren't serving you.

Sometimes, those pesky feeling-facts will stick around longer, refusing to dissipate just because you took them into the light. But they will be much easier to talk about, find resources for, and work on once you have a better sense of what they are and where they come from.

I looked around for poly-centric resources on actually working past the worldview that gives rise to an OPP, and you're right - most just explain why OPPs are bad but don't give a clear roadmap out of the OPP braintraip. This article is the closest I got. Hopefully people in the future can also find this blog post - thanks, letter-writer, for actually asking this super important question!

Postscript: I am tempted to get in deep on my personal philosophy about OPPs, how my polyamory is wrapped deeply in with my radical politics. To give just one example, male" is often associated with "property owner" and "female" is often coded as "property to be possessed," so interrogating OPPs might also mean looking into anti-capitalist thinking and understanding how our concepts of gender and capital are all intertwined; how understanding the fundamental assumptions of our culture goes so much deeper than just figuring out how to make non-monogamy work - but I wanted to keep this answer pretty open and leave it as a guide to pursue your own self-work. If ideas about righteousness and sin; or abandonment and families; or economic ownership, or other sociocultural concepts come up for you while thinking on these questions, there are tons of resources out there to dive deeper into whatever you're most interested in. 

I agreed to try polyamory, but as the relationship progressed, it felt worse

I've been monogamous my whole life and when I met him he was never in a poly relationship before. When we started talking a year ago I told him that I'd try it, but when I fell in love with him I feel like everything changed. He doesn't want a relationship with other people, he told me he wants a physical relationship with them. But I can't help but feel jealous and insecure about it. I just feel numb and stressed.

In general, if something in your life makes you feel "numb and stressed" - a job, a movie, a relationship, an event - you should take major steps to get yourself out of that situation.

The first step is to talk to your partner about how you feel. You agreed to try polyamory, but have discovered that it isn't working for you. He might be willing to close the relationship for the sake of your relationship. But he might not. It hurts to have to end a relationship because of a fundamental incompatibility, but it happens. That's the point of dating - to figure out whether you're compatible. It's why we don't get married at the first spark of interest.

You have learned a lot about what does and doesn't work for you. Now you have to act on that information.

We agreed to open our relationship, but that was years ago

My wife and I have decided to open our marriage a couple of years ago. We never acted on in because in our area it's hard to find people who are open to the relationship. A couple of months ago I started talking to another woman. Well in that couple of months I've started developing feelings for her. Would I be over stepping my bounds if I were to tell her so, or should I talk to my wife about it?

You should talk to your wife about this first. Don't rely on an agreement you made years ago to have gone completely unchanged in the meantime. I'm sure I agreed to things in 2015 that I would not like to be held to today! Open relationships require lots of communication; it's not a one-and-done sort of thing.

So bring it up again - "hey, remember when we talked about opening our marriage? I know it never really worked out for us to put that agreement into practice, but I'm in a situation now where I might actually want to try dating someone else. Let's talk about it again, now in the context of where we are today, what might have changed, and our specific situation right now."

My partner doesn't pay me much attention anymore - should we try polyamory?

My girlfriend doesn't pay me much attention anymore but we're still very much in love. I've always been interested in being polyam but she seems less enthusiastic. I feel like this could be the way to save our relationship but am I just stringing out a painful end?

Opening a relationship does not save it. If you're already having problems, those will most likely be magnified and exacerbated by the opening of the relationship. 

The solution isn't to find someone who can pay you attention and fill in the gaps of your unmet needs - but to talk to your girlfriend about the issues you're having. Be as specific and actionable as possible.

For example, "Please pay more attention to me" is a lot less helpful than something like "Last night, when we hung out, you were on your phone the whole time. I feel like we aren't spending as much quality time together as I'd like lately. Can we plan an evening soon where we give each other our undivided attention?" or "For a while now, it's always me who texts you to make plans and takes all the initiative - can we talk about what's going on? It's starting to bother me and I'd like to know whether you can commit to doing more to show me you care."

Think also about whether something has changed in her life that might be taking her attention away. If she moved farther away, got a new job, has been sick or especially stressed, etc. then you might have to approach things a bit differently. Finding out how to get your needs met without asking her for what she can't give right now may take some creativity and compromise as well as open communication.

Work on the "attention" problem first. Either figure out how to re-right this listing relationship, or identify what your dealbreakers are and commit to ending the relationship if you're not getting what you need. Once this has been addressed (one way or another), then it'll be a much healthier time to start thinking and talking about your own interest in polyamory.

How can I talk to my husband about the OPP in our relationship?

I saw your last post about the OPP and realize that’s what me and my husband have. Do you have any resources on how my husband can get over his hangups over the OPP? I want to help him work through this because I love him so much and want to stay married to him, but I also don’t want to not be who I am.

The two articles linked in my longest post on this issue are the ones I'd endorse as starting points.

Start from a place of openness and gentleness, asking questions to help both of you understand where his OPP is coming from. Help each other give language to your needs, your desires, how you see your relationship, how you frame the openness of the relationship, your fears, etc. For a lot of people, being asked to explain just what threatens them about a man vs a woman helps them realize that there isn't really anything they can identify - it's just an underlying assumption they never questioned.

For a long time, I thought I didn't like coffee cake. I can't stand coffee, and coffee cake seemed to always go with coffee. Adults liked it, and I didn't like adult things like almonds and red wine and mushrooms. I kinda figured it tasted like coffee, and the crumbly bits on top looked like other things I don't like. So I just moved through life as a person who didn't like coffee cake. I turned it down when it was offered and never thought much about it otherwise. Until someone asked me: "you don't like coffee cake? Why?" And I said "Well I don't like coffee, so..." and they explained that coffee cake tastes like cinnamon and sugar and loveliness. And so I tried some. And now I like coffee cake. Well, now I know that I like coffee cake.

The point is that we all move through life with assumptions that we think are empirical facts, but are really just things we absorbed somewhere that may or may not be true. They're amalgamations of messages we've gotten from other people, from the media, one-off experiences, and misinterpretations. A lot of beliefs that stem from mono-normativity and hetero-normativity and cis-normativity fall into this category. They seem true because they seem true. But they don't stand up to actual scrutiny. 

All that said, keep in mind that although there are lots of good articles out there about how to interrogate and challenge the mindset that leads to OPPs, it's best to let go of "get your husband to get over his hangups" as a goal. You can have the perfect conversation, share with him the ideal article, have a wonderful metaphor in your head, be totally awesome at deconstructing the ideas behind OPPs - and there's still no guarantee that you can change another person's mind. For a lot of people, those internalized assumptions are their truth, and the feelings and values attached to them are just too strong.

Stay focused on what you can control - your own choices. If he won't or can't change what his boundaries are, and if a relationship with those conditions isn't healthy or fulfilling for you, then you may need to make some changes for yourself.

I'm a writer looking for insight into polyamory

I'm a writer trying to portray a polyamorous triad between my three main characters. Is there any advice you could give about how these feelings develop?

As far as I can say, romantic and sexual feelings develop for triads about the same way they develop for pairs. It's unique to every individual, but there will be those butterflies, flirting, trying to suss out mutual interest, etc. that you typically see in a budding romance. Then, forming the triad will take some communication and intentionality, but there's no special secret ingredient that goes into polyamorous attraction. 

I've answered a similar question here, and I recommend checking out my FAQ page on polyamorous representation in fiction, as well as my general resources on polyamory here.

Some other writers have put together guides on writing polyamorous characters - remember that people can only speak for their own individual experiences, so be informed and intentional and never rely on one single source!

• How to Write Characters in Realistic Polyamorous Relationships
• Polyamory for Writers
• Writing Polyamorous Romance

Where can I find more info about this blog's thoughts on OPPs?

Do you have more resources, on or about your perspective in the "one penis policy" thing?

My non-tumblr homepage has a search feature on the right side of the page - so anyone curious for more from me on a specific topic can start there! I've written about OPP style thinking a few times, but here is the post where I include some links and discuss my personal perspective on this topic.

I brought up polyamory with my fiance, and he tried to kill himself.

I’m in a committed relationship with my fiancé. Recently I’ve been putting some pieces together and I realized that I am likely polyamorous. I told my fiancé, who has a lot of mental health and self esteem issues, and he tried to kill himself. If I end the relationship I’m scared of what he might do. If I stay, I’ll either remain monogamous and feel like I might be ignoring part of myself. Or I’ll date other people and he’ll continue to hate himself. What should I do?

Any situation where a person makes you feel like their suicide attempts or self harm are in response to your actions, and holds you emotionally hostage by making you responsible for their choices is not a healthy situation. You need professional help, and fast. 

A suicide attempt is serious and not something for you to try and manage on your own. If you haven't already, please seek professional help for yourself, and strongly encourage your fiance to do the same. You can sit with him to call providers, help him look up providers covered by his insurance, etc. - but your immediate goal is to connect him to someone else who is better equipped to support him as a suicidal person. If you're concerned about his safety in the moment, call a suicide hotline or local crisis center, and they can help guide you. Do not take this on by yourself.

Staying in a relationship because you're "scared of what he might do" if you leave is not a good or safe reason to stay. Your goals right now should be to figure out what it would take for this relationship to be safe and healthy for you - if anything. Start a conversation with love but firmness, saying something like "you responding to my honesty about my needs and desires with a suicide attempt should be a wake-up call for us that something major needs to change. We need to figure out what you need to stay safe - you need to start working on these issues right away. I can help you find a therapist if you need me to. And we should probably see a polya-informed couples counselor."

Or, honestly, you can decide that this is enough of a dangerous red flag that you can't do it anymore. You're not obligated to stay with someone just because it would really hurt them if you left. If you feel that remaining monogamous would be unhealthy for you, and your fiance has made it clear that any attempts to even talk about this issue will blow up into crises, it's okay to walk away. Reach out to friends or family who can support him, connect him with a mental healthcare provider, and then take a large step back. You are not singlehandedly responsible for his choices, and you are not his therapist. Don't get stuck believing that you are. 

My fiance won't discuss polyamory with me, but I really want to

I really want to bring up polya to my fiance again, but last time we ended up separating for a month. But I feel so...not me and idk what to do.

Don't stay in a relationship that makes you feel "not you." A healthy relationship lets you fully express the whole of who you are, in a positive and growthful way. If you feel like this because you can't live into your polyamory, maybe this relationship isn't for you. And it sounds like your fiance is very very mono. That's fine - it doesn't mean that your fiance is bad, or wrong, just that you two aren't compatible. It's a sad and frustrating thing to learn, but it's good information to have before you decide to get married.

My metamour is much older than me, and I'm not sure how to relate to her

Advice on how to relate with a much-older metamour? I am 25, and I have just started seeing someone who is 35 and whose live-in partner is 42. He has other partners as well who are closer to me in age but none that he lives with. I want to be able to cultivate a good relationship with my metamour but I am not sure how to do that when she is closer in age to my parents than me! We have shared interests, and we all feel very positively about each other form what I can tell. No jealousy barriers.

There's a fine line between "being prepared" and "searching out trouble." If it's not an issue right now, try to relax! Focus on your shared interests and your shared partner. Don't make things awkward by bringing up the age difference or pointing out that the metamour is closer in age to your parents than you. 

Don't "fake it." If she brings up a band, television show, or other element of pop culture that's unfamiliar to you, just say you're not familiar with it and let the conversation move on. Be open to sharing - if she lends you a book, read it; if she recommends a movie, watch it. Same on the other side: be willing to share your world with her and be patient and gracious when there's a gap in her knowledge. In general, just be cool!

You two don't need to be best friends, and it's fair to expect that with the generational difference, there are some ways in which you won't be able to relate to each other. But you can be friendly even if you're not bets friends! If things are going smoothly now, and your mutual partner hasn't expressed any concerns about you coming off as aloof or immature or whatever, try to relax and just let this relationship be what it needs to be. 

Some FAQ-answerable questions

This girl that I've been friends with for years asked me to do a threesome with her and her boyfriend, who I've come to like as well (not sure how much I feel for him yet). I went through with it and it went really well. I hear polyamorous relationships are like equal love triangles where each two love each other. I kinda want to bring up the topic with them. But I'm afraid that I'm just lusting after her boyfriend since I don't know him as well. Can polyamory be one girl just having 2 loves?

Yes, that is called V-shaped polyamory. In this case, the girl you're talking about would be the center point, or "hinge," of the V, and you and her boyfriend would be the other points. You're both romantically connected to her, but not to each other. There are lots of ways to be polyamorous and practice polyamory - check out my resources here.

So, how does polyamory work? I know it’s a relation with more than two people, but after that I don’t quite understand. Do the three or more people all love each other romantically (and possibly love each other equally) or is it where one or the other first two people each date separate people (those separate people don’t live the other of the first two)? Or, could it be both ways?

Both arrangements that you're describing fall under the umbrella of polyamory. To learn more about the first style that you described, try searching for the terms "closed," "triad," or "polyfidelity" in the context of polyamory. For the second, try searching for the terms "hinge," "V-shaped polyamory," or "polycule" in the context of polyamory. Check out my resources here.

My partner only wants me to date women, but I also want to date men

Is it normal/fair for my boyfriend of a year and a half (who has been pushing for us to attempt poly/open relationship since we started dating) to restrict me from dating my preferred sex while he can still date his preferred sex? I feel this tears at me because he encourages me to be with women, but the idea of being open is also making me attracted to men and the whole ordeal is causing some inner turmoil for me.

Is it normal? If you define "normal" as "common," then yes - this sounds like a "one penis policy" or "one dick rule," and those are relatively common. Does that make it fair or okay? No. It's not really a good benchmark for appropriate behavior to ask whether other people do it. 

I think such "restrictions" in open relationships are pretty stupid - they betray a lot of assumptions on the part of the person setting them that aren't really based on reality and are pretty arbitrary. There is nothing about sex with a man that is more emotionally threatening than sex with a woman, unless you decide that it is, because you think that it is, because your perspective is warped by weird misconceptions about gender and sexuality. Your partner thinks he is keeping himself "safe" from something if you only date women - but that makes no sense. Safe from what, exactly? Those misconceptions deserve to be interrogated rather than indulged. 

So now you have me, an internet advice blogger, confirming what you already know: that these relationship terms are not working for you. The problem is not you being unreasonable while your partner asks something entirely fair, reasonable, and valid. Now your job is to do something with this information. Have a chat with your partner about where this comes from and what the two of you can do to help address the real root of his feelings and fears - not by scapegoating an arbitrary trait of potential partners. And if he continues to hold that something is non-negotiable when it's really bothering you, then you have clear information about whether the terms of this relationship will work for you.

Am I still polyamorous if I only want to be polyamorous with certain people?

Can I be poly if I only want to be with certain people. I'm not poly in general but I'm in love with multiple people, like I'm only poly for them if that makes sense. Does that count?

That is exactly what being polyamorous means. Being polyamorous means you are interested in a relationship with multiple specific people, not everyone on the entire planet! 

Monogamous people don't think "hm, I can't see myself in a monogamous person with my hairdresser or my coworker - maybe I'm not really mono!" Straight men don't think "oh no, there are women out there who I don't want to date - do I count as a straight man?"

Of course you only want to date the people you want to date. Of course you can only see yourself being polyamorous with the people you want to date polyamorously. That's totally fine. You're in love with the people you're in love with - and it happens to be multiple people - so you're polyamorous. It doesn't matter how you feel about anyone else! 

Sure, maybe there are people you'd be happy in a monogamous relationship with. But forget about the maybes. In this reality, in this universe, you're in love with multiple people and want to be in a polyamorous relationship with them. That's all the information you need!

My husband and I want a girlfriend, but not to have sex with.

Can you have a poly relationship without having sex? My husband and I really want a girlfriend but don’t want sexual intercourse.

I mean, sure - the world is a rich tapestry and there probably exists someone who wants to date a couple without having sex with them. But it might be a tough sell for most people. 

I'd encourage you and your husband to think about what you really mean when you say "poly relationship" and "girlfriend." What, exactly, do you want? And how would that differ from someone who is a very close friend of you two? 

My partner and I have a best friend who my partner has known since he was 14 and I've known since I was 16. We both adore this guy and would go to the ends of the earth for him. He went to high school with my partner and went to college with me. We've all lived together before. We take road trips together. We have each other's backs, we chat frequently, we are emotionally and personally intimate, we are devoted to each other. But my partner and I don't consider him our "boyfriend," nor do we see it as a dating or romantic relationship. It has almost all the hallmarks of one - but not all, so we just let the relationship be what it is and defined the way that works best. Sure, sometimes "friend" feels a little weenie as a term for how much we mean to each other, but we know how our relationship works and what it is, and that matters more. 

So consider sitting down and very clearly defining what you want. What kind of intimacy and commitment are you hoping for? And why? What does sexual intercourse or the lack thereof mean to you two? Try to understand your ideal situation. Then, step back and ask yourselves if it's realistic to ask that of another human being.

For example, if you don't want her to have sex with either of you but you want her to be fully committed to you two (not date or have sex with anyone else), realize that's just an inappropriate and completely unrealistic thing to ask or expect.

If you want someone who can strengthen your relationship by just always being there to listen and provide emotional support, who can understand you two deeply and is personally invested in your well-being, look into a couples' counselor - not a girlfriend. 

If you want someone who shares your interests and wants to come over a few nights a week to lounge around, play board games, and watch Black Mirror, then maybe you just need a friend. In this case, pitching it as "girlfriend" will actually make it harder, not easier, to find what you're looking for. 

My partner cheated on me, and now wants me to be okay with him dating the other person, who is also cheating on their other partner

My boyfriend and I were in a part-poly relationship where we’d see people together (both male and female) only he went behind my back and cheated on me several times with another woman. He still wants her in his life and me, yet I don’t want to be anywhere that she is and don’t really want to be in a relationship that she is. She is also in a ‘poly’ relationship - I put in inverted commas because her partner isn’t in the know about anything. What advice can you offer?

Well this is an easy one. Leave this relationship, friend! Your partner violated the terms of your relationship, is now pushing you to do something you absolutely do not want to do, and wants to involve you in a very unhealthy relationship dynamic with the woman he cheated on you with who is also cheating on her other partner.

Sure, there's a small chance that you can resolve this with the all-mighty power of communication. You could sit your partner down and explain how hurt you were that he went behind your back and did something that the two of you did not agree to, and that the thing he's asking you to do is unhealthy and unreasonable. And there's a chance that he goes "oh, my goodness, you're right, I should not have cheated and I should not be pushing you to get involved in a deeply unhealthy situation, and I will stop that immediately, and begin therapy and self-work to understand what assumptions and entitlements led me to make these bad choices so I can heal this relationship."

But honestly, that seems very unlikely and probably not worth the extensive emotional effort it would take on your part. So my advice is to walk away. This guy is not good at respecting your feelings and boundaries in this relationship, so stop being in the relationship.