My partner wants to have unprotected sex with a new partner, and I'm not comfortable with that

I’ve been dating a man for a year and he’s shown interest in an old flame of his. He wants to have unprotected sex with her. How do I tell him I feel uncomfortable with him having unprotected sex with this person (despite the both of them being tested and coming back clean)? The relationship feels too new to add another person (of that year of us dating was me waiting for his NRE with his other partner to die down) much less have unprotected sex with someone. Any advice?

There are two completely different issues in your question: 1.) that you don't want him having unprotected sex with other people and 2.) that you feel that your relationship isn't in a place where him starting up a new relationship will be healthy.

They're two different issues, but they actually have the same solution - talk to him! Tell him exactly what you told me: that safe sex is an absolute non-negotiable for you in this arrangement, and that you would not be comfortable dating him if he has unprotected sex with other people. This one shouldn't really be a conversation, it's you informing him of your boundary and what you'll need to do to keep yourself safe if that boundary is crossed. If this is non-negotiable for you, don't negotiate about it. 

Then, probably in another conversation, let him know that you had a hard time waiting out his NRE with another partner and worry about the impact on your relationship if he starts up a new relationship. Give specific examples of the way his NRE-influenced behavior impacted you and what you're concerned about this time around. This one should have more back-and-forth where you two both express where you're coming from and hopefully find a way forward that lets him pursue the relationships he's interested in while making sure your needs are met. 

I brought up polyamory, and my partner responded violently

I recently expressed my interest in a poly relationship (specifically a triad) and he kinda flipped out. He called me a slut and punched a hole in the inside door of our car. We haven't really spoke of it since, and I'm not sure what to do. He keeps making pokes at me about it trying to make me feel bad.

This is not an issue of polyamory - this is an issue of abuse. A man who calls you names, damages property to demonstrate his anger, and insults you to try and make you feel bad is not a safe or healthy man. This is not your fault for bringing up a conversational topic he didn't like. This is his fault. He is being dangerous and cruel and you need to leave this relationship.

Check out my resources here. And good luck. You don't deserve to be treated like this. 

I like having this guy in my life, but he makes me feel like I'm not special to him in a way that I want to be

So I have 2 partners, one romantic who I'm madly in love, and the other sexual with whom I practice BDSM. So this guy has a lot, and I mean a lot, of other partners, but I'm the only one who gives him the sex he loves (and that I love). We have been on and off for a couple of months and he is the one that always comes back crawling, which makes me think I'm important in his life and not just another girl. At least I thought so, but for the past week we have been fighting a lot, he has been really rough on me, and is speaking about the others. I'm starting to feel just like any other girl, like I'm not special at all. I really don't know what to do. I really like what we have and i know it will always be sex, but I would like to have a special spot. I don't know how to tell him this, I don't want to push him or to make him think I want something more. But I love feeling important for someone.

Letter writer, I am going to be a bit less gentle with you than I usually am, not because you deserve it, but because I myself recently got untangled from a very similar situation - down to some specific details, it's almost creepy - and I now have zero patience for guys like that and the weird lose-lose knots they tangle their partners up in.

You want something this guy cannot and will not give you. He will not prioritize you or give you a special spot in his life. You need to walk away from this and seek something that will be healthier and happier for you in the long run. 

You're caught in a trap of his that I know very well: this feeling that "I'd like to get more of this guy's time/affection/attention, but if I ask for more, I will actually get less - because he will pull away, deny me, or see me as 'clingy.' So my choices are to get some of what I want, or none of what I want. It therefore makes sense to settle for some rather than throwing out the some and taking none because I want more."

That is sound logic if we're talking about, say, cupcakes. If someone hands you a mini cupcake and you say "no! I wanted a bigger cupcake!" and throw it away, then you've just made your problem - not enough cupcake - worse. But this guy isn't a mini cupcake. He's a guy who is treating you in a way that makes you feel bad. You don't deserve that. You deserve more.

You say you "don't want to make him think you want more," but you do want more. You're tiptoeing around his feelings because he has you convinced that if you ask anything, if you have any needs, if you express desire for anything beyond exactly what he's willing to give, he'll spook. That's a crappy place to be in. Don't let him keep you there. Set your standards higher. You're allowed to ask things of your partners.

Trust me. As great as that sex is, it's not worth it. All the fun that this guy provides, you're telling yourself it's worth the frustration and the disappointment and the fighting and the breaking up and all that. It is not. Make yourself a Fetlife account, spend some time describing what you're into, check out local BDSM scene events, find some local "personal ads" groups on Fetlife, and you'll find someone who can light your fire without burning you out. 

I'm dating two people, but one of them has dependency & insecurity issues that give me pause

I recently entered into a polyamorous relationship with two people, T and S, who have consistently made it clear that their relationship is an open one. Upon starting our relationship, I quickly became aware that S has mounting insecurities and fears, and is completely unable to be by herself. She has a low sense of self-worth and individuality. T and I are unable to spend time together without running the risk of her having a nervous breakdown or a panic attack. She can quickly revert to a child-like state, assuming malice on T and I's part, assuming that we are trying to oust her. This is despite her reassurances that she is naturally poly and not monogamous. Despite the fact that I have put in a lot of effort to form my own relationship with her. And despite the fact that none of T and I's dates are without her knowing. There is no conspiracy against her, and we have been as transparent as possible when communicating with her. She has become so naturally dependent on T that I doubt her ability to function as an adult if they were to break up. So my questions are: Is it possible to be in a healthy polyamorous relationship with someone who is that uncomfortable being alone? Is it possible to be in a healthy monogamous relationship with someone who is that uncomfortable being alone?

I am not able to say in the general case whether it is ever possible for anyone to be in that kind of relationship in a healthy way. But that's not really what you need to know. You need to know whether it's healthy for you to be in this relationship.

If S's behavior is preventing you from having a healthy relationship with her and/or with T, then it's not a healthy situation for you. Whether such a situation could potentially be healthy at some point for some person is irrelevant. Don't get stuck around trying to wait out or resolve something that's not working for you because some blogger said that it's possible for it to work.

Talk with T about the way catering to S's emotional demands is impacting you, and what your needs and boundaries are. If your needs can't be met or your boundaries can't be respected due to S, then it's not a healthy situation for you.

Sure, maybe some other hypothetical person would feel fulfilled by helping S feel secure, or is emotionally wired such that S's dependence doesn't bother them. The world is a rich tapestry and it's not for me to say that S is someone with whom no one could ever have a healthy relationship. But you have information about what is healthy for you, so act on that rather than my hypotheticals. 

Someone in our local polyamorous community is spreading lies about me and my partner

I'm in a healthy relationship of almost three years with someone, but he was in a toxic relationship with an ex who asked we never talk to her again. I feel like we can't engage in the poly community because she's talked shit about my partner. She's made so much noise that people are telling my friends to stop associating with us, even though all of the things they "know" about us are from her perspective. She's burning our bridges before we even know they exist. Is there even anything I can do?

Unfortunately, this happens - not just within polyamorous communities, but also in queer communities and kink scenes and plenty of other types of communities. I've seen this happen before, to myself and to people I'm close to. The best thing to do is to keep your chin up and your head down. Don't engage with the gossip or do anything that would prove this person "right." Be responsible and healthy and genuine, and the people who can see clearly will be able to see the truth. In the end, the person spreading lies and starting drama will not come out on top.

You may want to be a tiny bit proactive - when meeting a new person, say "I just want to mention that there are some rumors going around about me, so if you hear something that concerns you, I'd be happy to talk about it and clear things up." Be judicious about this, though - it could backfire and just send a red flag that you're a source of drama and gossip. So save it for when you really do think this person will hear the rumors and seems like the type to take you at your word and bring it up for honest communication.  

Your best bet though, as frustrating as it will be, is to just wait this out. People come and go through communities, rumors burn hot and then burn out, and if you're doing the right thing, you'll come out on top. You'll probably miss out on a few potential friendships and relationships because of poorly timed gossip, but that's unavoidable even if there isn't someone out to poison the well against you. 

some FAQ answerable questions

Hi I’m 16 and not sure if I’m poly or not. I always thought I wasn’t until literally tonight when I considered it and realized that maybe I would like a poly relationship. How do I know? And how do I experiment without hurting any feelings?

Here is my FAQ page about this! The short answer is that there is no official test or scan for you to "know" - you just gotta be introspective, honest, and patient! It's impossible to guarantee that you won't hurt someone's feelings, but when experimenting, the best rule of thumb is to be really clear and up-front about what you're looking for and what you're able to provide. And do your homework - read up on healthy, ethical polyamory and non-monogamy as well as other self-work around jealousy, insecurity, communication, etc. You have lots of time to figure this out, so relax!

I've been having some questions and concerns about being in an open relationship with my partner and I don't really know who to talk to this. My friends aren't as open or understanding and I want to think this through logically rather than have my emotions take over. Thank you and message me if it's ok for me to ask some things.

I'm sorry, but no - I cannot do live or private messaging. You can read about my policy here. You are always welcome to check out my resources listed here, search the archives of my blog, or send in a question to be answered publicly but anonymously.

I agreed to a polyamorous relationship, but after trying it, realized it's not what I want

My boyfriend wants to be poly but I don't. I agreed to it to make him happy. I don't know what to do anymore because I don't want to be in this kind of relationship but I gave it a try.

It sounds like you know exactly what to do. That's all life really is - trying things to see if you like them. If you like them, you keep doing them. If you don't, you stop! 

You gave it an honest try. You realized it's not for you. So stop doing it! This relationship isn't something you want anymore. You said it yourself. That's a totally okay thing to realize. Now you have some really clear information to act on.

It's possible that your boyfriend is amenable to ending the polyamorous experiment if you tell him "now that we've tried it, I've learned that this really isn't working for me." So that's your first step. If he feels unable or unwilling to be in a monogamous relationship, that's okay - the type of relationship he wants isn't the type of relationship you want, and so you two are incompatible.

The point of dating someone is to learn whether or not you're compatible in a relationship - that's why we don't get married on the first date! You're doing everything right - trying new things, learning what works and what doesn't, and moving forward based on what you've learned. 

I'm planning to start dating someone who already has a partner, but I have some concerns

I am about to go into a relationship with a woman who already had a boyfriend. Usually I'm very territorial but I'm willing to make it work for her. Her other boyfriend is also quite territorial and the boundaries have been set by him. I am not very committal in relationships and his boundaries have benefited that side of me, however I'm worried his influence may have a negative effect on our relationship. How can I respect his wishes and also make sure I feel fulfilled in my relationship?

To be honest, I have never seen it work well when someone isn't really okay with polyamory but is "willing to make it work" for a specific person. It's like moving into a house with one horrible feature that you know you'll hate. You promise yourself that you'll "suck it up and ignore it" and then "get used to it" and that the low rent and sunny bedroom are worth the stove with only two burners in a micro-kitchen with no counter space. But over time it drives you nuts. It isn't really what you wanted. It will always feel like a frustrating compromise. Think hard about what you are committing your future self to. Be very, very intentional about this.

I cannot write you a specific plan to "make sure" you feel a certain way. I don't know you, I am not you, and even you can't ensure that everything goes smoothly. What I can do, though is strongly recommend that you do a lot of introspection about this. I can ask questions - your answers to those questions are actually the answer to the question you asked me.

This guy sounds like he has a lot of boundaries that you'll need to respect. Whatever you think has been laid out, know that this will create complications that you can't foresee right now. Do you have the patience, flexibility, and security in yourself to manage that?

You say that you're "very territorial" - what self-work have you done to make sure that whatever behaviors and feelings lead you to that conclusion are being managed in a healthy way? Are you working to get to a place where you're more okay with the polyamorous relationship, or just working to ignore the negative effects and territorial feelings? What are the "negative effects" you're worried about? Which ones are dealbreakers? Which ones do you plan to just muddle through? What's your plan for that?

Why are you deciding to do this? What is it about this woman that makes it worth it, to you? Does she seem willing to help you manage the newness and the fears going into this? How much do you expect this woman to take accountability for situations that negatively impact you and be willing to help resolve them? What will you do and feel if she doesn't meet those expectations? Has she been willing to compromise, or is she expecting that you get 100% on board with whatever it takes to keep her current partner happy?

Are you trying to ignore certain things? Hoping some issues will just go away? Is there any denial or willful ignorance going on? Anything you're hoping will change as time goes on? What's your timeline for that? Would you be okay in this relationship a year down the road if nothing has changed?

This is a time to be really honest with yourself and really intentional about the choices you're making. Don't just assume that things will work out because you want them to. 

How does one flirt while polyamorous?

So I'm poly and I have no idea how to flirt. A lot of people say "I want to spend my whole life with just you" and stuff like that, but what for poly people?

First off, I'm assuming you mean "flirt" when already in a relationship? I always associate flirting with trying to get someone's attention and subtly telegraph your interest and gauge theirs when you have a crush on them - once you're secure in their affections for you, it stops being flirting (in my mind). For the record, it's never a good idea to say something like "I want to spend my whole life with just you" as a way to try and probe for someone's interest in you or signal yours without being sure how they feel!

There are many, many ways to express affection for someone without implying a monogamous relationship or worldview! One of my partners often says "I'm on your side," which carries a lot of meaning between us. One of my partners calls me "boo" - pet names can be great flirting tools! Saying things like "you're wonderful," "I really like spending time with you," "you make my life better," "I enjoy you," etc. etc. etc. don't require a lifetime commitment to monogamy! Use whatever compliments fit you and your partners and feel genuine.

Sweet gestures are always great too! If the flirt-ee likes matcha green tea, bring them a little green tea candy that you saw in a Japanese store. If they like sloths, message them a picture of a sloth. If they've been stressing about an errand, offer to run it with or for them. Sharing experiences is a powerful way to show affection: listen to a band or read a book that they like so you can talk about it with them. Inside jokes are great too!

Some people flirt with teasing, but be careful not to get into the territory of "negging." Playful, silly banter and getting into good-natured mischief together is great! Trying to put someone in a position of feeling put down or in danger of losing your respect is not good flirting practice. 

You can also flirt with physical affection - one of my partners and I have an elaborate game where we are always trying to blow raspberries on each other. Butt taps, pokes, smacks, and caresses are frequent between me and my partners. If you're not actually physically involved yet, flirting classics like borrowing their hoodie or touching their arm are classics for a reason. Never underestimate the power of eye contact either. 

My boyfriend had a passionate connection with his ex, and I feel insecure

My boyfriend has a tattoo of characters he and an old flame played who were romantically involved. They’re still friends. He says he’s over her but I can’t help feeling like I’m loving him from beneath her shadow. Doesn’t help that I realized the painting visible from his bed looks like her last time I visited. He was surprised when I pointed that out but agreed. I’m not sure how to deal with this. I know I have some insecurity issues but I’m not sure how to deal.

Everyone has a past - no one blips into existence the moment we meet them. It's impossible for someone to be faithful to you before you are in their life. Try to identify whether the issue is him, whether he is the one casting "her shadow" over the relationship, or whether it's something inside you being projected out. If he is specifically doing things to make you feel insecure - if he compares you to this old flame, texts her while you're having time together, etc. - then bring those up. He can change his current behavior to be a good boyfriend to you, but he can't change his past choices.  If everything in your current relationship is fine, but you just don't like the tattoo or the thought of her, consider working with a therapist who specializes on issues with insecurity.

If it's not his behavior that the problem - if he isn't doing or saying things to keep you in this state of feeling insecure or compared to her - then it honestly is a majorly positive sign that your boyfriend is able to remain friends with someone he dated. It takes a lot of maturity and perspective to recognize that a relationship isn't working in a sexual-romantic context, but also be able to hold space for how that person can continue to be in your life. Many people have black-or-white thinking; where someone is either their soulmate or a villain, and that kind of thinking has other implications that are not great.

Being able to say "this person gave me a lot of joy, and we had a lot of fun together, but the relationship needs to shift now, because our needs have changed, or we've learned more about ourselves and each other" is a powerful skill. If he had a lot of anger, regret, or shame about the tattoo, that might make you feel more secure, but it would actually be a red flag about his emotional maturity. So if that helps you reframe the situation, think about what a great guy this means he is!

My partner wants to date someone who I do not want in my life

my partner wants to enter into a second relationship with their ex, who hates me and is part of a group of people who regularly talk about how terrible I am behind my back (confirmed by three separate people so I know for sure it's happening). this makes me wildly uncomfortable. what does it mean for them to enter into the relationship despite knowing I'm not okay with it and never will be okay with it? is that technically cheating or should I be the one to back off on this?

You can't control your partner's choices, but you can control your own. You can say "I don't feel comfortable being in a relationship where Berthen is involved, even as my metamour. That is a dealbreaker for me." Then, armed with that information, your partner can decide whether or not to date Berthen. If your partner decides to date Berthen, then you decide to leave the relationship. Your partner has the right to do things you don't want them to do; you have the right to not tolerate that behavior in a relationship you're part of. 

There is no such thing as "technically cheating," because what constitutes cheating is not a scientifically quantifiable thing. There is no secret safe in France where they keep the essence of cheating and measure various things against it. I would consider it a relationship dealbreaker if a partner of mine had unprotected sex with someone else. Not everyone feels this way, but that's one of my rules that, if broken, feels like "cheating" to me. Only you get to decide what boundaries are non-negotiable for you. 

My boyfriend doesn't want to see me after I have sex with someone else

I’m with my boyfriend and this is the first open relationship for the both of us. He doesn’t want to see me after I go to a sex party or go out with someone else. Should I be concerned that this isn’t working for him? I don’t have a similar rule; I’d prefer to see him the next day after he does out with someone so I can hear about or just cause I miss him when we’re apart. He says it’s cause of STIs even though I always ask my partners about testing and use a condom with men and we both already have HSV-1 and HPV. Not sure how to react to his absence after I go out and it makes me feel bad.

It's pretty common for humans to be 'squicked out' by things that aren't entirely rational, but are strong enough that we can't reason ourselves out of it. The disgust response is one of our deepest survival instincts. I got a similar letter about a similar problem last year. So it's very possible that this is just a quirk of your partner's feelings about the world, and not evidence that he's judging you for the way you conduct yourself in this open relationship.

Sometimes, two partners can be in an open relationship and just have different levels on enthusiasm for things like sex parties and active partner-seeking. It could also be the case that he's uncomfortable with something and is channeling that discomfort into a boundary around seeing each other after sex. Your best bet is to ask him!

Make room for him to be honest: ask him whether it bothers him that you're having sex with other people, whether he feels threatened or unsafe by anything, and what he needs from you to feel okay. Let him know that if he really is okay with the way you two are conducting the relationship, he just prefers to leave a time barrier between things, you want to hear that in the affirmative - and if he isn't okay with the way things are, you want to hear about that!

If it comes out that he really is bothered by something else, figure out what to do there. If he genuinely just wants a time buffer around sex parties, figure out how to manage that. You two may have different comfort levels around sharing details and seeing each other after sex with other partners. Your job is to figure out whether there is a compromise you're willing to make - plan to go without his company for a day or so if you want to attend a sex party - or whether this is a dealbreaker for you that needs to be addressed another way. 

I'm in a polyam LDR and can't find a local partner.

I'm so tired of being monogamous. My partner and I are both polyam but neither of us have been able to find other partners. I'm so touch starved and romantically frustrated (LDR) that I'm constantly on the verge of tears. I'm tempted to just give up on finding other partners. Do you have any advice on finding other polyam people?

Here is my FAQ page on meeting polyam people. Remember that finding partners is historically agonizing, frustrating, and difficult, for all types of people. There are literally millions of books, songs, movies, and even video games about the struggle to be less lonely and find romance with the right person!

Find things that make you happy to get through this dry spell. Reach out to your non-romantic friends for support - get together to see a movie, snuggle up platonically, have dinner together, or just get a distraction. Consider also social avenues where people meet through touch-oriented activities, like dance, acro-yoga, etc. Invest in some nice sex toys or a porn subscription and try to release some of this tension.

Be patient and gentle with yourself. Frustration and desperation are normal in this situation, but indulging them too deeply will make you even more miserable and make it even harder to attract someone. Put your best self out there, be confident, and you will make it through!

My husband insists on an open relationship. I don't want that.

My husband insists that we have to have an open/poly relationship even though it makes me miserable. He keeps saying that we can make it work that we just need the right compromise. But I don't even want that. I do love him, but neither of us are going to be able to be happy together long term. And he refuses to see divorce as an option. Some people just aren't polyamorous and I don't think that makes me wrong or inferior.

You are absolutely correct that not wanting a polyamorous relationship doesn't make you wrong or inferior. You seem pretty clear-eyed about the fact that this relationship does not have a future - you two have discovered things about yourselves that make it obvious that you're incompatible as spouses. 

You don't need your husband to agree to see divorce as an option - you can make that decision for yourself. If it's over in your eyes, it's over. Leave the relationship, hire a lawyer, see a therapist, and free yourself to move forward toward a monogamous relationship that meets all your needs. 

I always find more faults with my partner when I'm having NRE with someone else

I have a terrible habit of finding faults with my one long-term partner whenever I'm experiencing NRE with someone new. How can I work on this?

The first step is to figure out whether this is just a weird manifestation of your NRE, or whether there really are parts of your relationship that are bothering you, and you are only able to identify them because of the context that a new relationship brings.

If it's the former - if it really is just an unconscious reaction - it can be helpful to use CBT/DBT strategies of accepting the thought without acting on it. You can reframe it as a sort of cognitive misfiring, comparable to the way that an anxiety reaction can start in the physiological and move to the psychological. Something chemical floods your system with stress signals, and your brain things "Oh no! We're stressed! Something must be terribly wrong! What is it?" - and then just grabs onto the nearest thing and makes a disastrously big deal out of something random that wouldn't feel like such a big deal in another context.

So in this case, your brain could just be misinterpreting your desire and excitement for your new partner and thinking "wow, I really want to be with Wrenvylla right now! why could that be? it must because I'm unhappy with Strenephie!" So you can look at the thought, recognize where it's coming from, and say "no, I don't think that's the best interpretation of what's going on." Just like I sometimes say "it sure feels like these dirty dishes are the end of the world, but I recognize that they really are not, and that feeling is coming from somewhere else and being projected onto the dishes." You can have the thought, take a deep breath, choose not to indulge it or act on it, and wait for it to pass.

But it might also be the case that there are things about your partner, or your relationship, that are bothering you, and you realize what's going on when you're able to see it contrasted with another partner's way of doing things. Maybe you notice "wow, it makes me really happy when Wrenvylla texts me back with a clear answer when I'm trying to plan things. I'm now realizing just how much it bothers me that Strenephie can be vague or distant over text." Or "I was braced for a fight when I had to cancel on Wrenvylla for a work thing, but she was just chill and understanding. I guess I thought it was normal to have fights over stuff like that, but now that I see how a relationship feels without this behavior, I have much less patience for it."

In that case, it's not something to try and ignore with the same accept-that-the-thought-is-there-and-move-on technique. Instead, it's okay to bring it up! Don't make it about comparison or competition - if you can, try to leave your other partners out of the discussion entirely. Just bring up what's bothering you and explain what you'd like your partner to try and change. "It's really been bothering me how it's hard to plan things with you, because when I ask if you're free on Friday, you say 'why?' or 'idk, did you plan something?' and never actually get around to committing to something or letting me know your schedule. Could we try to get in a better habit of firming up plans quickly so I can figure out what my week is like?"

My partner wants me to act jealous, but I'm polyamorous

I'm poly and comfortably dating a mono girl. I notice she likes to tell me about other people having crushes on her, and I always just say I can see why they like her and I enjoy the attention she gets. She knows I'm poly, but how can I lightly remind her that her interest in others, or other's interest in her doesn't make me envious without making her feel like I don't value her? We do talk about it, but sometimes I feel like I have to remind her without starting the big discussion again.

Well first off, are you fully confident that the reason she tells you this is because she wants you to feel envious? Unless you've explicitly asked her why she says stuff like this, and she said "because I feel loved and cherished when my partners express jealousy about other people having interest in me," my first advice is to find out where this is coming from. She could be thinking that because you're polyamorous, you like hearing that sort of thing; she could be trying to "meet you halfway" by talking about it. She could be trying out the idea of polyamory for herself in conversation, trying to see how you react.

But if you're sure that what she's trying to do is essentially bait you out of your polyamory and into expressing jealousy, it's okay for you to be more explicit: "I'm not able to do that for you - express jealousy or possessiveness." Then, ask her what she gets out of it when a partner talks and acts that way, and what you can do to make her feel valued and cherished in the same way without having to perform something you find icky or just false. 

Or, if this comes up infrequently enough, you could chalk it up to a compromise. Does it make her happier than it makes you frustrated? If so, might be worth it to just say something noncommittal like "well, but you're dating me, so if he's interested, that won't work" or "I'm glad I met you first, then" which acknowledges the monogamous nature of your relationship without you needing to perform jealousy. If you're able to expend the emotional energy, you could just leave it be as something she does that you would prefer she didn't, but isn't painful enough to warrant you trying to convince her to quit doing it. 

My spouse just got my blessing to date other people, but is trampling my boundaries

 I'm married and my partner is non binary and poly and I knew all this going into the relationship but they just recently decided to start dating. I was on board and told them to do it, but they invited someone over that night and did sexual acts in our place on our bed. I said ok don't do that again, but then the next night I wake up to them kissing and moaning on the couch as I slept (I work nights and sleep during the days) and I said to do it at their new partners place. Two days after that they say they are going to the next town over on a date and I said ok let me know what happens and later that night I find out from them they decided not to go and just went to their partner's place and had sex and didn't come home until the next morning. I don't know what to do because I know they have a mental problem with communication but I'm just In so much pain but I still wanna forgive them.

First off, as much as I am very hesitant on this blog to suggest that the partner who's less comfortable with a polyamorous arrangement should make "rules" to try and keep themselves feeling safer and more okay with it, this is a huge exception to my belief. Asking them not to have sex with a new partner WHILE YOU ARE IN THE HOUSE is completely reasonable. The timeline that you laid out here makes me question their judgment - that within 24 hours of you giving your blessing to try opening the relationship, they not only went out on a sexual-romantic date, but they brought the person back to your place and had sex with them. 

Your partner is asking something very big from you - to be okay with them dating other people, even though that isn't your explicitly stated relationship orientation or preference. Usually, when you ask someone for something that takes lots of effort on their part, you should go out of your way to make it easier on them, not harder. I wrote that your partner was being 'selfish,' but then I realized that isn't even accurate - it's not remotely in their best interests to make your introduction to a polyamorous arrangement so painful and intense. I'm just baffled as to what they're thinking. If I was really invested in my partner being okay with something, I'd go out of my way to make it as easy as possible for them. 

You say that your partner has "a mental problem with communication," but that's an explanation, not an excuse. If someone has a diagnosis, past trauma, or just a personality trait that makes communication harder for them, that means they need to use that knowledge as a tool to help them find ways to solve the problem - not just opt out of healthy communication and abdicate their obligations in relationships. If they know they have issues with communication, that means they need to try harder, try different things, be even more sensitive to potential issues - not just demand that you be okay with everything they do because hey, they can't help it!

You are well within your rights to sit down with your partner and demand that this gets worked out. You can say "I know communication is tough for you, so maybe we could write emails back and forth rather than talking face to face, or sit down with a couples therapist who specializes in open relationships, etc." - but what you should not do is just cede to their refusal to engage on this. Then, let them know that the way things are going is absolutely not okay with you. Explain that you have some (very reasonable!) boundaries about truthfulness and privacy. Be clear that you will not be doing 100% of the emotional labor it takes to make this new arrangement work, and if they're not willing to meet you halfway and consider your feelings, either the relationship itself or, at the very least, the polyamory, simply will not work.

What's up with the polyamory pride flag?

Hi, I don’t think I’m polyamorous but could you explain the poly flag to me? I don’t understand the pi symbol.

I actually didn’t know the significance of the polyamory pride flag myself - I don’t really use it or identify with it myself. I use the infinity heart (or just the infinity symbol) as a pride symbol on clothing/jewelry/stickers/other signifiers, because I prefer it both aesthetically and symbolically.

But here is the blog post by the original creator of the polyamory pride flag, where he explains the symbolism behind it. He says that basically, it stands for the first letter/sound in the word “Polyamory.” He wanted something a bit more obscure to help closeted polyamorous people subtly signal to each other. Plus, the pi symbol was available on computers at the time, and there’s a history of Greek letters being used as pride symbols. Elsewhere, I’ve seen it explained since pi as a number goes on infinitely, it has a similar connotation as the infinity symbol.

I want my boyfriend and someone else I'm interested to to develop feelings for each other

I've never been in a polyam relationship before, but I'd really like to open my relationship to a new person. My BF seems pretty open to polyam but I've never talked to him about it seriously. I met someone though that I'd like to introduce him to. I care about this guy and my boyfriend and I'd really like it if they shared feelings for each other as well (although I know that's unlikely). Is it possible to have a relationship like this, and if not is it possible to foster friendship there?

This is really tricky. It’s impossible to dictate another person’s feelings - think about whether you’d be able to develop feelings for someone just because someone else wanted you to. We can’t even dictate our own feelings! People often find themselves wishing they could just conjure romantic or sexual feelings for someone, or delete an existing crush, but it’s next to impossible. So even if you could convince your boyfriend to want to have feelings for this person, there’s no guarantee that fickle cupid would cooperate. So I’d advise that you let go of that as a goal, because if anything, that kind of pressure, even subtle, can actually make it less likely for people to ‘catch feelings’ for each other.

But you absolutely can do some things to foster a healthy friendship between them. Again, there’s no guarantee - sometimes people just don’t “click,” and you have to be ready to accept that. But I’ve learned over the years that there are some things that make metamours more or less likely to get along well.

One is to never badmouth one to the other. Even if it feels like a “minor” thing. If Merejy sees you set down your phone with rolled eyes and a sigh because Jaxlyn didn’t answer your text, he will remember that. If you show up late to something with Jaxlyn and exasperatedly explain that Merejy took your car and never puts the keys back, things like that add up. It’s totally healthy and normal to need to vent a bit about your partners, but never do it to your other partners.

Another is to avoid comparisons or anything that could make one feel threatened by another. This is just healthy polyamory, but even more important in this type of situation. Be very aware of how NRE may be impacting your behavior. Be careful of drawing comparisons between the two. Try to avoid bringing up inside jokes or shared experiences with one that will exclude the other. Speak positively about them to each other, but not so gushingly that they feel threatened.

Another is to introduce them to each other without much pressure. Meeting in a group setting is good, especially during a hike or over board games, so there’s something else to do. Pay attention to how they are together, and be willing to step in to smooth things over if things get awkward or just rocky. Bring up topics that you know they’re both interested in, etc. It might detract from your ability to focus on other stuff at whatever event or chill-out you’re at, but it’s worth the extra bit of effort.

If you know one of them has a specific pet peeve, a subject that is touchy to them, or can accidentally come off as abrasive or judgmental or otherwise less-than-friendly because of a specific conversational or behavioral quirk, it can be good to tip the other one off, so things don’t accidentally start off on a bad foot. But it’s a tricky balance - you don’t want to come off as pushy, or meddling, which can turn people off. Essentially, your best bet is to be as chill and “organic” as possible, while also being a bit more intentional and proactive than you’d be otherwise.

Then, you just gotta be patient and flexible and let the chips fall where they do. Maybe they end up being besties who get together without you around! Maybe they end up getting along just fine, but are not really people who would hang out without you to bring them together. Maybe they prefer to be polite metamours who are both in the same orbit. Maybe they do end up falling for each other. You have to be prepared to handle any situation with grace, since this definitely falls into the category of “serenity to accept the things I can’t change” territory.

Some other posts on this topic:

My wife dates other women, but doesn't want me to

I am a married man and my wife wants to date women. We are committed to each other and I am okay with her dating women in fact she has in the past while we were married. She didn’t keep intimate secrets from me with other women. We both believe in being honest and open. She wants to date women again but so do I. She doesn't like the idea of me dating other women. Can you help?

I mean, I can’t help in the sense that I don’t have a magic ability to change how your wife feels and what she wants. But I can give some advice, and that is - as in most of my posts here - open communication. You need to find out why she doesn’t like that idea, what her boundaries and barriers are, and what she needs to feel more comfortable with it.

She may feel like there is something ‘special’ about your relationship because it’s the only heterosexual relationship in all this - that her dating women is somehow less of a threat to the relationship than you dating women. But since you don’t want to date men, “one heterosexual relationship” isn’t a sensible limitation. This discomfort or sense that her dating women is less “real” or “dangerous” is common, but comes from underlying assumptions that often don’t stand up to intentional examination. It could help to say "date people" instead of "date women" to help both of you think through whether your issue is more situated in the dating, or the women. 

Don’t go into the conversation intending to debate her into changing her mind. Instead, seek to figure out how she feels, and why, and what her fears and desires are based on. Once you both have a better understanding of what’s going on and how to articulate it, then you can take the next step of identifying what might need to change or be worked on.