Hello! I’m in a relationship that is transitioning to being Poly. My partner is talking to this other girl and I can’t help but be really jealous at the fact that he is so much more affectionate and talkative to her than he ever was with me! I know it must sound silly but it really hurts that she asks him to call him more and he immediately jumps to when I made a similar request at the beginning and he never did. Things like that. Feel a little like a toy that he is bored of.

If this is a new development and your partner is otherwise attentive to your needs, this might just be a classic case of NRE, or “new relationship energy.” It’s common for people to be a bit more excited about a new relationship, and to focus more of their time and attention on it. Often, this tapers off and isn’t a lasting threat to an existing relationship.

But if you feel like he never gave you this kind of attention, even in the beginning of your relationship, and is doing things for her that he was never willing to do for you, that’s a different sort of problem. The best thing to do is to talk to him about this - try to be non-accusatory, if you can. Don’t insist that he’s doing something wrong or that he clearly likes her more. Just point out some specifics in his behavior that have been bothering you, and ask how the two of you can find a way for him to pursue this new relationship without making you feel like he is getting bored of you.

He may respond with surprise - it may be that he has just been making choices without much thought and never stopped to consider that he’s been mismatching his time and attention. If he’s willing to be more sensitive and intentional with making sure he acts on his feelings for you, problem solved. But if he gets defensive, if he acts like you have no right to make these requests of him, or if he insists that your perspective is wrong and you’re getting plenty of his attention, that’s a red flag that this may not be a person you can have a healthy poly relationship with.