Help. I don’t know what to do. Im falling for my metamour and i don’t want to ruin our little polycule dynamic by bringing it up but it’s starting to hurt.
People change! People grow! People discover new feelings, learn new things, and make new choices. Most healthy relationship dynamics make at least some space for the people involved to be human.
Why do you think expressing your feelings would ruin your polycule’s dynamic? Is it because you don’t think they have feelings for you, and so things would become awkward if your feelings weren’t reciprocated? Is it because your polycule has a pretty well-defined network of relationships that you feel is integral to its functioning? Is it that if you two try dating and it doesn’t work out, everything else might fall apart? Figuring out what you’re afraid of, in as specific terms as possible, can really help you work through it.
In general, someone who’s safe and healthy as part of your polycule will be able to handle this in a generally safe way. Get them alone in a casual way - ask if they want to go for a walk, or whatever - and say “hey, now that we spend a lot of time together, and are connected pretty intimately since we’re both dating the same person/people, I’m realizing that I really like you.” If they say “thanks, but I’d prefer to just stay metamours,” then that won’t feel great, but you’ll have your answer and can start taking steps to move on. If they are interested, then you two can talk about how to move forward without threatening existing relationships.
For my part, I think it’s best to go directly to the person involved first, without a bunch of back-channeling that has the potential to turn into gossip which turns into drama. But you know your partner(s) and your polycule best - it might make sense to check in with your partner(s) and say “I’m developing feelings for Wandolene and really want to talk to them about it - do you have any thoughts or concerns about that?” In everything, be sensitive, honest, and flexible!