Is it bad to only want a closed polycule?

Concerning Unicorn Hunters, their behavior is gross. But, what if I (I’m currently single) want to be in a triad, maybe joining a couple, maybe finding two people who then get together. I have abandonment anxiety and am greyromantic asexual. I would want a closed polycule - be it triad, Vee, quad or whatever. Does that make me bad?

It is absolutely not bad to want a closed or polyfidelitous relationship. Wanting this is not bad; it’s how certain people go about seeking it that is bad. Just like wanting sex is morally fine, while sleazy pickup artist nonsense is not.

You’ll need to be clear and open about what you’re looking for and spend time in social and dating spheres where people are also looking for that. It may take some time to find, and you may encounter some obnoxious unicorn hunting couples, but literally no one has an easy time finding their ideal relationship!

I would caution you about one thing: you say that you have “abandonment anxiety.” That is not a relationship orientation, it’s a mental health problem, and it’s something worth working on rather than just indulging. Setting up your relationship terms out of fear, or because you think a specific type of relationship will keep you safe from painful feelings, is a recipe for disaster. It’s good to know your limits and boundaries, but it’s not good to just surrender to anxiety and let it define your relationships. Please talk to a therapist who specializes in abandonment and attachment and work on this issue - you may never be totally free of it, but it should not be a key determinant of your relationships.

I just got engaged to two partners, who are also lifelong best friends, and we have lots of questions

I have been dear friends and cohabitants with two ladies for a few years now. We are all straight. They have been BFFs since childhood are are basically inseparable. I love them both dearly, and we are of an age where we want to have families soon. After some discussions, I recently formally proposed to both, and they accepted. We now have questions about the best way forward. 1) How public should we be? 2) Should I legally marry one? 3) We WANT to share one big bed, will it get awkward? 4) Both want to have children and would love to share the experience should both try at the same time? 5) Should we remove love making to separate bedroom? 6) We have discussed not doing so, and making love all 3 together, I am worried I won't be up to the task. We want it to be pure and beautiful not some playboy fantasy Good or Bad idea? 7) Should both or neither take my surname? 8) Should all children take a family name?

Most of the answers to these questions are going to be intensely personal, and not something that an internet writer who doesn’t know you three can prescribe for you. I strongly recommend that you three talk deeply and honestly about these questions. For some people, talking in person is a lot harder, so sending emails back and forth to go through these questions might be a great strategy. All I can do is answer your questions with more questions, things I encourage you to consider, and jumping off points for more conversation.

1.) How public should we be? That is going to depend on your lives and the risks involved. Do you live in a conservative area? Do any of you have professional lives that might be threatened by being public with this? Do any of you anticipate conflict with your families, and how will you navigate and support each other through that? What do you mean by ‘public’ - coming out to friends and family, or giving interviews to local news? If you decide to stay “private,” how will you negotiate that? What kind of ‘cover stories’ are you comfortable with? Who is, and isn’t, safe to tell? How will you manage it if some of you want to be more “out” and some of you want to stay more “private?”

2) Should I legally marry one? What does legal marriage mean to you? Are there financial, legal, insurance, citizenship, or other considerations? Does one of you need health insurance or other protections? Do you live in a state where marrying one person and “living as if married” with another puts you at risk of running afoul of bigamy laws? How would you make the choice about who to legally marry? How would you demonstrate commitment to the other person? Do you want to have a wedding ceremony? How will that interact with the legal marriage? Consider talking to a family law attorney about some of these questions as well.

3) We WANT to share one big bed, will it get awkward? I have literally no idea whether a hypothetical situation between three people I’ve never met will get awkward. You three should talk it out. Who sleeps hot, who sleeps cold? Do any of you have sleep issues? Light sleeper, heavy sleeper? If one person feels like masturbating, how do y’all feel about that in a shared bed? Use of phones in bed? Lights or music in the bedroom? Sleep schedules? Restless sleeper? If you decided not to share a big bed, what would the alternatives be? What are your realistic financial abilities to get a living space and bed that accommodates your needs? Consider some trial nights in hotels with king-sized beds.

4) Both want to have children and would love to share the experience should both try at the same time? Pregnancy is a very fickle thing, and if both women are trying at the same time, one may conceive and the other may not, or one may miscarry and the other may not. Would that cause resentment or conflict? Putting pressure on yourself to conceive at the same time as your best friend and metamour can make things a lot more complicated. But, being pregnant at the same time sounds pretty awesome! Consider whether you think it would be easier to raise two kids of roughly the same age - on the one hand, you can ‘get it all over with at once’ in terms of baby stuff; on the other hand, babies are hard! If they conceive 6 months apart, you could have a newborn and a teether at the same time, which sounds really challenging even with three parents. Think carefully about this, talk to friends of yours who have had babies, or a therapist who specializes in conception and family planning (Planned Parenthood may have some resources for you).

5) Should we remove love making to separate bedroom? Do you think that would help things be more healthy and fulfilling, or does it just feel like something you should do? What associations do you have with “the love making bedroom”? What needs would this meet? Do you have the financial resources to get a place with a bedroom that’s just for sex? Would the people who just had sex in there sleep in that bedroom? What would the other person do? How would all of you feel about that? Do you three have certain sexual preferences or interests that would make a separate room especially useful?

6) We have discussed not doing so, and making love all 3 together, I am worried I won't be up to the task. We want it to be pure and beautiful not some playboy fantasy Good or Bad idea? One of the worst things you can do for your sex life is to come to it with some preconceived prescription about what it should look like. I don’t know what, to you three, “pure and beautiful” sex looks like. But that sounds like an idealized fantasy and it’s too vague to give you any guidance. You should define that for yourselves - what does “pure and beautiful” really mean? What kinds of feelings do you want to have? What kinds of language and sex acts do you prefer? Do you want to avoid? What is it about the “playboy fantasy” that you are worried about?

7) Should both or neither take my surname? Do they want to? Do you want that? What would that symbolize to the three of you? How would the three of you feel about developing a new surname together? How would that interact with your desires to stay private or go public? Do any of you have personal or professional situations that would make a name change an especially good or bad idea?

8) Should all children take a family name? That’s something to consider a bit later, once pregnancies are happening. Some people think it’s important for all kids in a family to have the same name; other people don’t. You should talk to a family lawyer about custody and guardianship with three parents; having a shared name might help with logistical things and demonstrate that you are all one family with equal parenthood. You should also consider talking to a family therapist who specializes in blended or unique families about how to cultivate a strong sense of identity and security for the children.

I feel wholly responsible for carrying the mental load of my entire polycule

I am the "glue" in my polycule (their words, not mine, though I agree with them), and it requires a LOT of emotional energy, scheduling, etc and I feel like the lot falls to me. When I'm low-energy, it feels like the polycule is in "danger" because I feel this pressure. I'm positive that other poly folk have felt this way! What do I do to cultivate my own security (cause this is a me problem)??

Wow, it’s been a while since I got a letter that could have been written by me. I totally feel you, Letter Writer! I’ve been there; I am there.

Part of it is recognizing where that desire and behavior comes from, for you. You mention security, and that’s a huge thing for me. (I’m an Enneagram 6, if that sort of thing helps you give language to the situation - my core need is to feel secure). I’m a Type A control freak, and planning everything is a great way to be in control, but then people get used to you planning things, and it can get exhausting. I try to recognize when I’m doing something because I genuinely enjoy it, and when I’m doing something out of a draining sense of obligation.

It’s okay to try to “wean” people off their social/emotional dependence on you. It’s hard, but totally worth it. Next time you’re feeling down, if people are over at your house, it’s totally okay to say “y’all are welcome to keep hanging out, I’m going to go lie down and have some me time. You know the wi-fi password and where to get drinks. Peace.” I’ve done that before, and the first few times it’s nerve-wracking, but it usually works out fine. And the more times it works out fine, the more reassured you can feel next time.

If people try to wheedle you back into doing the work, or seem lost and confused without you, hold your boundary and let them figure it out. Often, feeling responsible for the group’s cohesion is a self-fulfilling prophesy, and when you let yourself let go of that responsibility, people will be a bit directionless for a bit, then they’ll figure out how to manage themselves.

But be careful - when you do this, it can be very tempting to passively sabotage things to prove to yourself and everyone how critical but under-appreciated you are. Don’t just neglect to plan dinner and then wallow in how everyone will starve without you. Let your people know that you won’t be able to shop and cook, and that someone else will need to orchestrate dinner for movie night. But then, don’t hold their hand through it, making them a shopping list, texting them reminders to go to the store, and running out to get some backup snacks just in case. If it falls through, it won’t be your fault. Don’t play the “clearly you’re useless without me” martyr, just give some guidance about what it actually takes to plan, shop, and prep dinner.

You’ll need to be explicit about what you need them to step up and do. “Look, folks, I’m not feeling up to the task of choosing a board game, corralling everyone to play, and teaching it. But I also don’t want the evening to devolve into a boredom-mope-flop session. Can someone else please take point on organizing a board game?” Or, “There’s a 3-day weekend coming up, and I know some of us were talking about going camping. I don’t have it in me right now to find a camping spot, book the spot, organize carpools, make sure we have enough tents, and plan a grocery list. But I’ll show up to whatever y’all plan. Who’s willing to set this up?”

It will be an adjustment, because in many ways being the “glue” for a group of people feels good, and empowering, and letting go of that control means giving up some of the good with the bad. But if you’re clear and intentional about it, you can make that subtle shift.

I don’t know the gender makeup of your polycule, but this article does a good job articulating the sort of emotional and psychological labor that certain people end up doing to keep relationships and households running - it might help you find some language or definition for what you’re struggling with.

Help. I don’t know what to do. Im falling for my metamour and i don’t want to ruin our little polycule dynamic by bringing it up but it’s starting to hurt.

People change! People grow! People discover new feelings, learn new things, and make new choices. Most healthy relationship dynamics make at least some space for the people involved to be human.

Why do you think expressing your feelings would ruin your polycule’s dynamic? Is it because you don’t think they have feelings for you, and so things would become awkward if your feelings weren’t reciprocated? Is it because your polycule has a pretty well-defined network of relationships that you feel is integral to its functioning? Is it that if you two try dating and it doesn’t work out, everything else might fall apart? Figuring out what you’re afraid of, in as specific terms as possible, can really help you work through it.

In general, someone who’s safe and healthy as part of your polycule will be able to handle this in a generally safe way. Get them alone in a casual way - ask if they want to go for a walk, or whatever - and say “hey, now that we spend a lot of time together, and are connected pretty intimately since we’re both dating the same person/people, I’m realizing that I really like you.” If they say “thanks, but I’d prefer to just stay metamours,” then that won’t feel great, but you’ll have your answer and can start taking steps to move on. If they are interested, then you two can talk about how to move forward without threatening existing relationships.

For my part, I think it’s best to go directly to the person involved first, without a bunch of back-channeling that has the potential to turn into gossip which turns into drama. But you know your partner(s) and your polycule best - it might make sense to check in with your partner(s) and say “I’m developing feelings for Wandolene and really want to talk to them about it - do you have any thoughts or concerns about that?” In everything, be sensitive, honest, and flexible!

hey do you have any tips on asking your friends to form a polycule??? like not necessarily super romantic but like to… give it a status?? idk? bc im like crushing on everyone and everyone already acts like were all quasiplatonic partners theres just not really a “title” for it?? bc id really like that

Ah, yes, that eternally human sense that if something has a word, it’s more real. Love me some Derrida/Saussure. I live in a house that has a name and I know how satisfying and different it is when people say “I left my jacket at Ferngully” instead of “I left my jacket at Zinnia’s house.” When I was in high school, we got tired of saying “our group” or “our clique” (gross) so we gave our little crew of friends a name. There’s something really special and meaningful about that!

My main piece of advice is to be really clear about what you want. “Hey, it’s not that I am trying to change anything about our arrangement or make demands about commitment, I just want to be able to speak it in a way that feels real and honors the love that we share.” Then see if that’s something they’re interested in, and talk about terms and names together!