I don’t know what is going on with my primary, we’ve been seeing each other for over a month, and we were on fire now this: I saw [Primary] last night and he’s still really distant…he cuddled me but he was really cold… When I asked him what was up he said he was okay and nothing was wrong or on his mind… So I don’t know he isn’t very lovey he doesn’t send me cute pictures like he used to or send me emoticons and he won’t call me his girl anymore :-/ How do I read that?
I can’t tell you how to read into another person’s behavior, because I’m not psychic. Nobody is. This is an endless frustration for most of us, myself included. The best advice I can give is the same thing I tell everyone involved in polyamory: open communication.
Even though you asked him what was up and he said “nothing,” there’s still space for a clear, honest conversation. But it’s not about him - the issue is that you have a need that isn’t being addressed. You liked it when he called you his girl, when he sent you cute pictures, and when he seemed really present to your time together. Now, he isn’t doing that, and you want him to. Be clear about what you’ve noticed, in a way that isn’t accusatory, and say that you miss the cute pictures and pet names.
Then give him space to respond. Don’t come to the conversation with a list of demands (“send me 3 cute pictures every 24 hours”) but as a question: what does he need in order to meet your needs like that? It may be just that the NRE (new relationship energy) has worn off for him, and he’s no longer trying to impress you with cute pictures and things, because you two are getting more settled in together. It may be that he’s just having a rough few days because of work or something that has nothing to do with you, and needs some time to not be focused on you. Maybe he has concerns or reservations about how things are between you two, and you haven’t noticed the problems he’s seeing. Or maybe he just didn’t realize how important those little demonstrations of affection were to you.
All of these explanations call for a different response. Once you know what’s up with each other, you can move forward. Maybe he needs you to adjust your expectations about his picture-sending and cuddling consistency. Maybe you need him to focus more on taking time to show you he cares. Maybe it’s a combination of both, or something I haven’t even seen that you two need to work on. But you won’t know that unless you talk things out, and “what’s going on with you” is rarely clear enough to count as open communication.