ive recently fallen for someone other than my partner, and everyone’s ok w it, that’s all cool. and my partner has fallen for them too, and we’re thinkin about a polyfi triad, maybe? its all really nice!! but i’m suddenly intensely jealous and it’s ass. i know it’s rooted in a combination of my bpd and history of abandonment, but i feel super, super hopeless. is jealousy something that can be overcome with effort? i love them both so much but i hate feeling like they’re going to leave me. like everything was fine until my partner fell for my ambigusweetie too, and then suddenly i can’t stop “knowing” that they’re plotting to leave me together. i’m severely paranoid+mentally ill, so even tho jealousy is something lots of ppl go through it’s particularly intense and since it’s not something that can be overcome Immediately, i just. feel super hopeless. i am actively talking to them both about it, bc nothing happens without communication.
First off, you deserve major kudos for recognizing that your perceived reality might be influenced by your illness. It can be really hard to validate your feelings without falling into the trap of thinking they represent reality, and it sounds like you’ve made serious strides in handling the paranoia and fear that your brain makes you deal with. You are working hard, you are tough, you are strong, and you should be very proud of yourself.
My first piece of advice would be to communicate with your partners about this, but you’re already doing that! Ten thousand gold stars for you. Hopefully they can work with you to find things that reassure you of their commitment and affection for you. Try identifying specific things they can say and do that help you manage your painful thoughts. Mental illness are no joke, and they’re really tough, but you have two supporters at your back to help you fight.
I am not a mental health professional, but I can tell you that the paranoia and fear of abandonment that come with bpd can be treated with DBT and CBT. If you aren’t already, start seeing a therapist who specializes in helping people overcome jealousy, fear of abandonment, and other symptoms of bpd that you’re dealing with. If possible, find someone who works with the poly community.
Remind yourself that you are not psychic - whatever you think other people are thinking is just coming from inside of you, it’s not an objective observation. I do not have bpd, but I often deal with fear and anxiety about what I worry other people are thinking, and this self-exercise often helps me walk through it:
- Do I trust myself to enter into healthy relationships with trustworthy people?
- If I trust myself to identify trustworthy people, then doesn’t it follow that I would trust this person?
- If this person says they care about me, and I trust them, why not believe them?
- Is it more likely that this person is lying to my face and putting effort into pretending to care about me, or that they really do care about me?
Now I don’t think a thought exercise of four questions is going to cure a mental illness, but it’s something that helps me rebalance when I find myself spiraling into fear and paranoia about whether people close to me really care or are planning to abandon me. Good luck, great work - keep on keeping on. <3