I like a guy who is also in a polyamorous relationship - how do I figure out whether he's open to dating me?

I have crush on this guy, but this guy is in a polycule with 2 other people, I don't know if they are in a closed relationship, and i'm only really close with one of them but i want to get to know them all better, but how do I ask if they are open?? I don't want to ask them out if they are in a closed relationship, but I'll never know if I don't ask if they are open, but if I ask and they aren't then it might be obvious that I'm into them??

Oh this is an easy one!

You just gotta ask!

You say “hey, I’m wondering, your relationship with Mondo and Siriano, how does that work? Like, would you be open to dating other people? What would that look like?”

I promise, it’s totally worth it and actually very low risk! There are a few possible outcomes for telling them, and they almost all are win-win:

The guy you’re crushing on tells you that they are open, and you get to have a friendly conversation about how he and his partners approach dating and stuff like that, and you get a potential ‘in’ for future flirting and pursuit of that changed relationship.

The guy you’re crushing on says “nah, we’re a closed relationship” or “I’m not really open to dating” or otherwise brushes it off, and you get your answer and can continue being friends without this question hanging over you. If he figured out from this question that you were into him and his partner but knows that will be an unrequited crush, and he’s a good friend, he’ll gloss over that part and pretend not to have noticed.

If he for some reason figures out that you’re into him AND gets weird about it or it damages the friendship, that’s actually an okay outcome too. You get to find out where you stand with this guy and you don’t end up staying in a friendship under terms that make it difficult.

You can’t lose here! You’ll get an answer to your question and valuable information on how that relationship will look going forward.

Best of luck!

Some Friday FAQ-able questions

What is NRE?

“New Relationship Energy.” Refers to the burst of intimacy, excitement, and energy that often accompanies a new relationship. Check my FAQ page here for lots of resources that will include terminology and glossaries.

I frequently see people refer to "identifying" as poly, but I'm not sure I understand what that means. If being poly is just willingness to be in a poly relationship, is that an identity in the same way that gender and sexuality are? Or is there more to it, or something that I'm missing? I'm asking because I'm questioning stuff about myself right now and I'm just not sure.

See my FAQ page on that here!

Can you explain or link me to an explanation of what the terms on your faq mean? The list that includes: bipoly, polyamorish, werepoly, etc? I cant find definitions for them and scrolling through your posts I cant find them either. I don’t want to ask something that's already answered but I cant find them

Those terms appear on this page for people questioning whether they may be polyamorous, and those terms are meant to encompass experiences, identities, or desires that fit somewhere between the two binary poles of “polyamorous” and “monogamous.”

Hello, my wife and i have had a desire to share our life and bed with another woman but can't seem to find a woman that shares the same feelings and thoughts as we do. Do you have any suggestions on where to look?

Don’t think about it as “where to look to find a woman” who meets all your criteria - there is no secret warehouse of ideal polyamorous women. It’s about forming healthy human connections, not going shopping. Check my FAQ page on this here.

I'm in a triad and no longer want to date one of the people, but want to stay with the other one

I'm in a triad with a male Dom and female Dom, with me being the sub. They were a couple first. I tend to value independence in my Dominants, but the male Dom is almost 30 and still expects his mom to do his laundry, drive him, shopping, provide housing, cook, etc. There's no disability related reason preventing him from caring for himself, he simply chose to prioritize other things over his independence. He's finally moving out (not by choice) and ranted at both of us about how his mom packed for him as well as other things she "did wrong". This ranting is a pattern and usually sounds entitled and misogynistic.

Both of us got sick of it and separately told him he should stop expecting her to do things. He withheld emotional love from the other female and twisted what I said; as well as denied saying things I have proof in text he said previously. Honestly, after all this, I lost the spark I had for him completely; I don't find him attractive and worry he's being emotionally abusive in private to the other woman. I still care about the woman and am completely lost what to do. Address my concerns he's emotionally abusive with her privately? Break up with both of them? Propose staying with her and cutting him out? 

It sounds like you should end this relationship with him, period. You don't want to, and should not, continue dating him. It's up to your other partner whether she wants to continue dating you outside of the triad. You can ask her how she feels about that, and see what her concerns and hopes are.

You should not try and convince or cajole her into breaking up with him. Never give an ultimatum like "break up with him, or I'll break up with you." You can explain your concerns, give examples of his behavior that you find troubling, and be clear about why you no longer want to be in a relationship that includes him. She can then make her own choices. 

Obviously, the triad is over, but if you continue dating her, you'll need to be clear with her and with yourself about how comfortable you are with having him as a metamour (partner-of-partner) and how involved you're willing to be in any sex, conversations, hangouts, etc. where he's around. You may also need to draw clear boundaries around discussing him with her, especially in terms of his rants, drama, and manipulative behavior. 

It may simply not be possible to make a new relationship work with her, and that's frustrating and disappointing, but it happens. It is absolutely not worth continuing to put up with this guy just to stay with this woman, especially if staying with her means you continue to be emotionally or sexually wrapped up in his nonsense.

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