Hiya! I have two partners, my romantic relationship and my qpr.. My girlfriend is ok with me having a qpr with her but I’m worried that she’ll get jealous or I’ll hurt her. Even though my qpr is strictly strong platonic, I feel like I’ll hurt my romantic partner. Any advice? Or thoughts?

If your girlfriend says she’s okay with the arrangement, then either:

a.) She is telling you the truth, but you can’t bring yourself to believe her and trust your own assumptions about her thoughts and feelings over what she says.

b.) She is not telling you the truth, and you’re picking up on subtle clues that she’s misrepresenting her thoughts and feelings to you.

Your first job is to figure out which of the two scenarios is going on. 

If it’s the first, that’s your issue and you need to do something about it. If you can’t trust your partner to be honest with you, why are you dating her? If you insist on speaking for her and making assumptions about how she really feels, why is she dating you? You need to work out a way to let go of your unfounded fears and trust in what she is telling you. Trust her, trust the relationship, trust the communication process. If she starts having a problem, then you start addressing it; don’t worry about things that aren’t happening because you think they might.

If it’s the second, that’s an issue between you two. If she can’t trust you enough to be honest with you, why is she dating you? If she isn’t honest with you about her needs and wants, why are you dating her? You need to work out with her what is really going on, and open the lines of communication in a more healthy way so that you don’t have to second guess everything she tells you and she can trust that when she tells you something, you hear it the way she meant it.

I have a boyfriend and am not in any way aromantic, but I have these feelings for another person that are very qpp-ish. is it right to use that term if im not aro?

I’m not the language police; it’s not up to me (or any one person) to say who does and doesn’t get to use a term. I’m also not aromantic or asexual, so I wouldn’t even be part of the community that may have claim to that term. If you know any ace or aro people, you could ask them how they feel!

If you’re uncomfortable with the term qpp, or worry that others might be uncomfortable with you using it, it’s totally okay to find another way to express how you feel about this person. I personally wish that we as a culture could open up the concept of friendship to allow for the kind of intimacy and commitment we typically think is reserved for sexual-romantic partnerships. (Because of this, I have my own feelings about the term qpp, but that’s not what you asked about).

Ultimately, it’s not about what collection of syllables you use, but whether you are able to frame, understand, and engage in the relationship with depth and authenticity, in whatever way is healthy and fulfilling for you and this person. 

Is it okay to identify as polyamorous even if I’m arospec-ace, have gf and a qpp? I kinda feel like I don’t quite ‘qualify’ if that makes sense.

I’m not the identity police! I don’t bestow or rescind anyone’s rights to idenfity a certain way. And here’s the secret: nobody else is, either.

As long as you’re not hurting other people or making a community look bad - like abusing someone and calling it kink, or cheating on someone and calling it polyamory - what you decide you are is nobody else’s business. The last thing an already marginalized community needs is fracturing and infighting.

Be careful of people who make you feel like you have to “qualify” for an identity. Be wary of those who police the boundaries of communities by shaming others and narrowing definitions to fit their needs. There’s a lot of that on tumblr, and plenty of it in the LGBTQIA+ community, so please look out for your own sense of self and seek out communities that build up relationships rather than critiquing and categorizing them.

Remember that hearing someone else say something, no matter how loudly or strongly or absolutely, doesn’t mean you need to absorb it into your worldview. You are who you are, and you don’t need my or anyone else’s permission to be that.