Is it possible, or common for straight women to be in V-shaped arrangements with multiple straight men? (

So it seems really uncommon to have a polyamorous relationship with two or more males with one woman. Am I just looking in the wrong places (just in terms of seeing how others handle this dynamic, not looking as in seeking). I am not really interested in other women. But i feel like it’s not realistic to want a relationship with two straight men who would want to both be with me, more than sexually. Do you have any thoughts on this?

Up until very recently, that was exactly the situation I was in - I identified as a straight woman and dated mostly straight men. For most of my dating life I have been in “V-shaped” relationships that looked like: me, a straight woman, dating Scorpio, a straight man, and Leo, a straight man, and maybe also Orion, a straight man. (Sometimes the men I dated were not straight; I don’t want to erase anyone’s identities, but mostly, they have been.) Often the men I dated got along well, but they were not romantically or sexually involved with each other. And typically they were dating other women as well.

This is, in my experience, actually a very common polyamorous configuration! Straight men are socialized in such a way that they are a population very well represented in polyam circles. If what you’re hoping for is a triad, where both straight men are involved romantically or sexually with each other, well, that’s not usually how straight men work - but it sounds like you’re looking for the opportunity to have multiple straight male partners who are okay with you having other male partners. That is very, very possible!

Try checking out my page on finding polyamorous people to date - be clear about what you’re looking for, set up a dating profile with that goal, get out there and meet some polyam dudes, and you’ll find your V! And to answer your first question, yes, it’s pretty common, and you may just be looking in the wrong places. Keep poking around Tumblr, YouTube, and the rest of the internet and you’ll find plenty of stuff being written by, and about, people in that exact situation!

Can I be poly while also being straight? I’m in a very confused place right now…

Yes, absolutely you can be poly while also being straight! One is about your relationship orientation - how you process, understand, and experience your relationships. The other is about your sexual orientation - how you process, understand, and experience your sexual attraction. 

You may be confused if your understanding of polyamory is mostly of the triangle-shaped, or triad, type. I can see how it might be hard to picture yourself in a closed relationship with multiple people if you’re straight (though some straight people do; you can only speak for yourself.) But that’s not the only type of polyamory that exists. I am straight, and poly! I only date men, but I date multiple men at the same time. Most of the men I date are also straight, so all my relationships are V-shaped: I date X and Y, but X and Y are not dating each other, because they’re both men who don’t date men. 

Remember that being straight is not an inferior way of being; it is just another orientation. The sad truth is that being straight comes with a whole pile of privilege, and because of that, many LGBTQ+ people have a mistrust of straight people. And while it is their right to express their frustration and alienation in whatever way works for them, don’t let ~*~tumblr discourse~*~ about “cis-het scum” convince you that certain ways of being are closed off to you or make you feel unwelcome in the poly community. Many poly people are straight; many straight people are poly. Find the way of being that lets you be healthy and happy and fulfilled.