Polygamy vs. Polyamory

Is there a difference between being polygamous and polyamorous?

Yes. "Polygamy" is a word used to describe specific societies where plural marriage is part of the social, religious, economic, or political practice. It is most commonly used in sociological or anthropological terms.

"Polyamory" is a contemporary word for freely chosen, consensual non-monogamy, with no cultural coercion. It is considered inaccurate and even offensive to refer to "polyamory" as "polygamy," since the associations with "polygamy" are often restrictive, cult-like environments where wives are treated as property.

There are some polygamous societies that are not restrictive and cult-like; and technically the words mean basically the same thing - but "polygamy" is not a word that most polyamorous people use because it has other connotations.

A handful of FAQ-answerable questions

Hi so forgive me if I'm wrong but I don't understand how poly is part of LGBT and not just a choice someone makes.

I've discussed this issue a few times, and they're all linked on the FAQ page here. Obviously polyamory doesn't fall under LGBT, because it is neither L, nor G, nor B, nor T; but whether it falls under the "queer" umbrella is a point of debate. I have my personal beliefs about this, which you can read about in the link.

If we have a really long message, where do we send it to?

You can email me at polyamoryadvice [at] gmail [dot] com or check my contact page here. Know, however, that "really long" messages are much less likely to get published and answered, and I do often edit long messages to be shorter. Try to be as concise as possible! Lots of people include details that are important to them, but not actually relevant to the core issue.

I'm not sure if I'm poly or not (I think I might be?) but I was wondering if you knew of any websites that offered a great community for newbies? Specifically newbies in their early 20s? Thank you!

Check out the "forums & communities" section here!

Your advice about therapy is great, how do I find a therapist and/or online (therapy?) chat that is poly friendly?

Here are a handful of indexes (these will also be added to the Mental Health Resources page):

• Loving More directory
• The Open List
• Poly Friendly Professionals

You can also search non-polyamory-oriented indexes for therapists that work with issues of sexuality and gender, because they tend to be better informed about polyamory.

Someone used language to describe my polyamorous relationship that I find dehumanizing

My boyfriend is new to polyamory and was explaining things to his sister and she asked if he and my girlfriend were "sharing me." That feel like really gross and dehumanizing phrasing to me; am I overreacting by being unhappy with that phrasing?

It's okay to have feelings about things; and the way other people describe you is something that most people have strong feelings about! You can be unhappy with whatever you want - the word is overreaction, not overfeeling, for a reason. It would be an overreaction if you forbade your boyfriend from ever speaking to his sister again or ordering 100 t-shirts that say NEVER USE THESE WORDS TO DESCRIBE MY RELATIONSHIP, PLEASE and only wearing those.

In this case, it's a third party to your relationship - your boyfriend's sister - who used a phrasing you find icky, in a conversation with someone else. Probably best to leave that alone for now - if someone else uses that language when asking you about your relationship, it's totally fine to say "actually, we don't like to describe it like that," and then give your explanation of what polyamory is and is not, for you.

It's totally okay to bring up with your boyfriend that you don't like language that frames you as an object or possession to be shared - not as a thing you're angry about or an issue you have with his sister, just as a heads-up that you're not comfortable with it. Just like I might say "hey, thanks for going grocery shopping, but in the future, I like creamy peanut butter, not chunky."

Is it critical to keep your partners updated on new and potential new partners?

if your partner knows you're poly and is 100% ok with you dating other people, do you have to tell them whenever you get another partner (alternatively, do you have to ask BEFORE you get another partner)?

That's totally up to you and your partner to set those terms based on what works for your relationship. In my personal experience, it's wise to keep your partner apprised of what's going on in your dating life - that way nothing feels like a secret (which can feel like cheating) and they aren't caught off guard.

That's not to say that you need to fill out a Notice Of New Partner Form in triplicate and submit it through a Polyamory-Certified Courier every time you date someone new - just that it's probably best, in most cases, to be open with your partners about your dating life! It's up to you and your partners to decide exactly how to do that - do you think it's important to bring it up every time someone goes on a date, or only if you're thinking that things are getting serious with someone? 

I like to share what's going on in my life with my partners! So I let them know "I have a date next week with a guy I'm really into," and then a few weeks go by and the conversation is "I'm really starting to like Kevrick, I think things are going pretty well!" And then by the time I'm referring to Kevrick as "my boyfriend," my other partners aren't like "you have a new what now?"

In my case, however, it's always a case of informing, not asking. I don't say "I really want to start dating Kevrick, what do you think about that?" I don't need my partners' permission to date new people. That's what works for us!

I find it hard to imagine a partnership - in which you share lives and talk about what's going on with you - where you can end up with a new partner and your current partner(s) don't know about it as it happens. In most cases, not informing your partner about your dating life takes extra effort and sometimes even lies of omission. 

How do you come up with example names?

How do you come up with example names? That's amazing.

I find it boring, grating, and hard to follow to just use letters; and when I used fake names that weren't obviously fake, like Jessica or Kevin, people were concerned that I wasn't honoring letter-writers' privacy; and when I use collections of obviously-fake names from pop culture, like Harry/Ron/Hermione or Pearl/Amethyst/Garnet, people send me a bunch of messages about it, which is nice but I get so many messages already that it's also not something I need. Plus I love making up names - if you ever need a name for an OC or a pet or anything, please hit me up! So I stole Mallory Ortberg/Dear Prudence's schtick of making up silly names by combining generic Western/English sounding name phonemes. 

I'm dating a man and want to also date his daughter - is this okay?

(I am going to put a content warning at the top of this post because there will be discussion of incest and sexual abuse; this is NOT a judgment of the letter writer or the situation, but it does come up in my answer, so if you are sensitive to that, take care of yourself.)

Bi poly young woman, have been seeing a much older man for a long time. He has an (adult) daughter around my age who I find extremely attractive and he and I started joking around but he ended up admitting he wouldn't mind at all if I started seeing her too (obvs separately, without him involved - no incest here!!) I'm freaking out because I like the idea too - is this OK? Am I OK? Would I be some kind of twisted horrible pervert for dating both a man AND his daughter?

To answer your actual question - no, you're not a twisted horrible pervert if you do that; try to let go of the self-recrimination and guilt. If no one is getting hurt, then you're not doing anything wrong. And you can decide that this isn't something you want to do without deciding that doing it, suggesting it, or wanting it is morally wrong. 

I would caution you to take a step back and make sure this situation is 100% healthy for everyone involved. A father who jokes about his daughter's sex life and encourages someone else to sleep with her might just be a guy who is your partner trying not to put limitations on who you can see; or he might be someone with a problematic investment in, well, his daughter's sex life. I wasn't there when it came up in conversation and I genuinely don't know whether the 'joking around' came from an organic, honest place or whether he is bringing it up as part of an unhealthy fantasy or perspective of his. Is he encouraging this because he seems to be excited about it, or just supporting you in your attraction? Only you can make that call! But you need to make it with clarity.

Remember that parent/child power dynamics can be really complex, and can complicate issues of consent. Be really sure that everyone involved is okay with this arrangement and that it's healthy for everyone. Even then, you might make a mistake - you are not psychic, and you may misinterpret someone's true feelings or intentions, especially if they themselves are unclear. This is NOT to say that you are morally responsible for protecting the daughter from getting into a situation that isn't right for her, just saying that this is tricky territory and you should be aware of your own limitations when it comes to recognizing coercion or ambivalence.

If you go through with this, you'll need to talk really clearly about maintaining healthy boundaries. For example, it's critical in healthy polyamory for there to be some openness about sexual health; you need to be able to talk to your partner about what's going on with your body, which includes some details about your other sexual encounters. But do all three parties feel that it's appropriate for a father to have that insight into his daughter's sex life? If not, how will you manage this? What extra precautions need to be taken to keep everyone psychologically and physically safe?

Talk also about how your "polycule" will function. Will all three of you spend time together? If not, how will you manage things like family get-togethers when the father might want his partner and his daughter there? If so, how does the daughter feel about being in a semi-sexual/romantic role ("girlfriend" and "metamour") while simultaneously being in the daughter role? Would all three of you cuddle up on the couch with you in the middle? Is she okay seeing her father as her metamour? How does she feel about physical affection in the presence of her dad? Between you and the dad? Between you and her? How does the dad feel about being physical/sexual/romantic with you in front of the daughter? Is everyone okay with those boundaries, or does someone feel stifled or controlled?

Are you three prepared to manage the questions and judgments from others? Will you be keeping the arrangement on the down-low? How will things be presented at family functions? Do you have a united front and a prepared explanation? What if a family member has a problem with it and threatens to withhold their children from visiting the dad, or refuses to extend wedding invitations? Will one person ask the others to cave for the sake of the family (just tell everyone she's your roommate, upsetting Grandma isn't worth it, it's just one wedding weekend), or will you three stand up together and demand acceptance? Are you all on the same page about that?

This is a complicated situation, and it's okay if you decide it isn't worth it. But it's also okay if you work it out and decide that it's doable and worth doing. But it will take extra effort, precautions, preparation and self-knowledge to make sure it's safe and healthy for everyone.

I came out as polyamorous and now I'm being bullied by my peers

I came out about being in a polyamorous relationship to a friend. Unfortunately he thought I told people about it, and because of asking a friend about her idea on it, she told everyone. Now I deal with people calling me a slut and coming up to my partners and telling them that I'm cheating or they should date someone who isn't a huge whore. I'm going into my senior year on Monday and I'm not ready to go back to the harassment and bullying. What can I do about this?

First off, I'm really sorry that this is happening to you. People can be cruel and ignorant to anyone who is different, especially when it comes to issues of gender, sexuality, or relationships. Young people especially can be really rigid when it comes to perceived notions of sexual morality and gender roles.

The best thing to do right now is to surround yourself with love and support. Check in with your partners - you're all going through this together, and be prepared to stand strong for each other. You can even come up with a script beforehand, so if someone tells your partner not to date you, they can have a prepared comeback: "Thanks for your input on my relationship, it has been noted" or "I don't really care what you think, I chose to date Gismeldo and I don't need your approval." Or just "that's so rude" or "that's not okay." Something that shuts down the conversation.

Try to let go of needing to change these people's minds - arguing with them is only going to make you feel miserable and targeted. It is okay that someone is out there thinking nasty things about you; they can have opinions that are wrong and walk around being wrong and that's their problem. I know it can be miserable and infuriating to be told "just ignore them" - I was bullied terribly as a child and a teen, and you deserve to be protected and supported. But fighting back on issues like this just becomes an ideological argument where you feel a lot more vulnerable and they get more opportunities to attack.

Stick with people you trust at school, and prioritize your own safety. If that means physically avoiding certain people, do that. If there is a teacher or other adult you trust, talk to them, but be prepared for them to be confused or dismissive; non-monogamy is not as widely understood as a potentially marginalized relationship orientation/identity and they might not be the allies you need. Try framing it as "I shared personal information with Zodielle, and now I'm being harassed by Lagron and Jezander." Share specifics about what they are doing and saying, and ask that teacher or other adult for anything you think would help you avoid it (like "Can I eat my lunch in a classroom with some friends" or "Can I avoid group work with these people").

If the harassment escalates from cruel words to anything else, keep documentation and report it. If anyone touches your body or your things, makes threats of violence, attacks your online spaces, etc. keep records and do what you need to keep yourself safe. But as long as it's just people saying you're a slut or a whore, try to take a deep breath, walk away, and remember that there is a huge polyamorous community who loves you, supports you, and has your back, and that those people are just flat incorrect.

Imagine that instead they're walking around saying "chocolate ice cream is literal poison and if you eat it you'll be vulnerable to psychic attacks from lizard people!" They're just misinformed, confused, and blatantly wrong; maybe annoying and potentially dangerous if they try to attack ice cream salespeople, but for now, they're just running around being obnoxiously stupid. Nothing they are saying is true - you are valuable, worthy, and perfectly deserving of loving relationships.

How do I know whether I'm polyamorous before trying it?

How does one go about knowing whether they're poly or not when they've only been in two monogamous relationships?

Part of the answer is: you can't "know" for sure; you just gotta try it out and see if it works for you! I'm guessing you didn't agonize about knowing whether you were monogamous or not before getting into monogamous relationships - the point of dating is to try things out and find out what works for you! 

The other part is: the same way you find out anything about yourself - introspection, daydreaming, reading, testing, experimenting, exploring. Check out my FAQ about this here.

I started dating a man, but his wife has made things really complicated - is there a way to stay with him but avoid the drama?

For about two or so months, I was in a "V" polyamorous relationship with a much older married man. His wife is much younger than me. He and I both had one-on-one conversations with her and we even had a group conversation about the dynamics right up front when he and I discovered we had feelings for each other. She said up front, on several occasions, she was okay with it. It gave her a chance to have her space as--her words--he was "incredibly needy". As the weeks went on and we continued to see each other, she started becoming very jealous, accusatory, saying mean and snide things to him about me or to him about himself. He would constantly check in with her when she'd make these awful comments and make sure she was still okay with things. It all came to a head about a week and a half ago. And he attempted to break it off with me. I accepted it, but he didn't want to let go. Resorting to social media to put me on public blast for moving on. I forgave him. Now, we've resumed some semblance of a relationship, but without his wife's knowledge. I know I am complicit in this, and thus, a guilty party, but I'm wondering if there's someway else better to handle this? We love and care about each other. And we want to be together. I've never once asked him to leave his wife or gave him ultimatums. It's been her doing. I find her very controlling, emotionally abusive, she gaslighted me and him. I want to be with him, but I also don't like the secrets and the affair-esque, don't ask don't tell dynamic.

Facts: You only dated this guy for about two months. This guy is the kind of person to try and break up with you, then use social media to publicly shame you for moving on. Dating him comes with all the baggage and drama of his wife. You don't like the dynamic the relationship currently has.

WALK AWAY. This is not a healthy relationship. I promise you can find someone who is just as funny or sexy or interesting or thrilling who is also more mature and doesn't make unreasonable demands and put you in unpleasant situations. The better way to handle this is to stop putting up with his nonsense.

There is nothing you can do to change his behavior or make his choices for him, you can just decide whether you want to be part of this disaster of a situation. If you decide to stay, you'll need to accept that staying will include dealing with his wife's tantrums, his propensity for social media drama, and the fact that this is now a cheating situation instead of consensual non-monogamy. 

I'm polyamorous, my boyfriend is not, and this tension is making me miserable

I think I need to break up with my boyfriend. I love him so dearly but the only options are break up and be poly or stay together and hurt my own feelings when I crush on others. There is no way he wants to do polyamory, and every option makes me feel terrible. It doesn't help that I relapsed on self harm and drugs....I know it's bad but I just am so distressed and don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm desperate. How do I compromise, and is it even possible?

If a relationship is making you feel desperate and distressed to the point that you relapse into self-destructive behavior, it's not healthy for you to be in anymore. Sometimes "love" isn't enough - sometimes two people are mostly great together, but one major issue makes them not compatible in a relationship. It's heartbreaking and frustrating to have to break up when there are still things you love about being together, but it sounds like it's necessary in this situation. 

Please reach out for help with the drug use and the self harm - you don't deserve to be this miserable, and you do deserve support through this difficult time. Not having the freedom to live into who you are as a polyamorous person is really unhealthy for you, so you need to start taking the steps toward a healthier relationship arrangement, even if that means no longer being with this current partner. 

I get into bad moods when my partner has fun with his other partner and I'm stuck at work

I'm grumpy because my lover is seeing his other girlfriend and I'm working and I'm mostly okay and he needs to see her too and it does me good too I take the time to reflect but I'm grumpy and I hate it. Also scared he'll decide my grumpy isn't worth it.

Being in a bad mood sucks, and you're right to recognize that it often sucks for the people around you as well. But there are things you can do about it! Learning to manage your moods is a powerful skill and there are many ways to tackle it.

It can help to just reframe things: it's okay to be moody about having to work when other people are having fun, but that doesn't really have anything to do with polyamory or what your lover is doing. Even if he wasn't seeing his other partner, you'd still have to work. So try to separate those frustrations. And if your work consistently makes you miserable, consider finding another job, if possible.

If you're worried that your grumpiness is going to make your lover decide that the relationship isn't worth it, try finding other outlets for your moods so you can bring him more positivity. Anything from online support forums and chats to meeting up with a friend to professional therapy can help with that.

Finally, remember that grumpiness can sometimes be banished using positivity strategies. You may have heard that you should "vent" your negative feelings, but in fact, letting yourself mull and stew and ruminate will only make things worse. Try and refocus and distract yourself. Put on peppy, upbeat music and bop around. Read or do something that makes you happy. Have lunch with a coworker and don't talk about the stuff that's bugging you.

Is it still polyamory if it isn't a V-shaped arrangement?

No idea if this is a question fitting to this blog but I've been trying to inform myself about polyamory to be more open and in all the examples I found online or in books it's always just one person being in love with two or more people, and everyone is fine with it. My question is, what if all three or more people are in love with each other, like everyone is in love with everyone in the relationship, would that still be polyamory? I just don't want to offend anyone by using the wrong term.

Yes, that is definitely still considered polyamory! That is often referred to as a "triad" if there are 3 people involved, or "polyfidelity" if all 3+ people are only involved with each other. Keep reading and researching - you'll find plenty of examples of what you're describing.

How do I join the polyamorous community in my area?

I am attempting to join a couple in The Life or meet a woman in it so I can build with. How do I accomplish this in Indianapolis, In?

You can see my FAQ page on finding polyamorous people to date here.

But I'd caution you to re-examine your language and what it might indicate about your expectations. Polyamory isn't some porny sex cult that we initiate people into - it's just a way of having a relationship. If you have a fantasy about what polyamory would look like, or what type of polyamorous person you're looking for, consider doing some research that helps you think through how realistic that fantasy is.

Remember that all people are individuals, whole and dynamic, and no one exists to be your gatekeeper to polyamory. Go out there and be a human dating other humans; treating it like anything else will be an exercise in futility and risks ending up with you being frustrated and other people feeling misunderstood or objectified.  

How do I self-describe if I could see myself in a polyamorous or a monogamous relationship?

i haven't been in a relationship yet, and i'm open to the idea of having 2 or 3 girlfriends, but i wouldn't mind having just one. would the correct term for people like me be "open to polyamory", or just plain polyamorous?

Whatever term helps you self-identify in a way that's healthy and gives you the tools and language to find the relationships that work for you. Some people use terms like "polyflexible" or "mono-poly" to describe themselves as someone able to have healthy, fulfilling relationships that are polyamorous or monogamous.

I came out as polyamorous, and then a guy was creepy at me

I dunno if I'm looking for advice or kind words or what but something uncomfortable happened. I confessed to being polyam over FB and then a guy I have never spoken to said 'sup' and when I didn't reply he asked hours later if he could send nudes. After I said no he said 'I saw you were poly so I thought you'd be down.' I am supportive of all types of poly and know some are cool wit that but I am serious stuff only so my status being translated as automatically DTF was a bit disheartening.

Yep, that happens sometimes. And it sucks. People - in my experience, mostly straight men - often assume that being polyamorous means you are somehow obligated to pay them sexual attention, because the "sorry, I have a partner" excuse no longer works. It's a garbage mindset, and it leads people to behave in aggressive, obnoxious, and inappropriate ways. I've had this happen to me multiple times, including one especially scary brush with a man who would not take "no" for an answer because "I've seen you get cuddly with other dudes you know!" Gross.

The best way to handle this is to block and delete that FB creeper, because he was obnoxious and has no rights to your time or emotional energy. He can be out there being a jerk who is wrong about you and wrong about polyamory. Your relationship orientation/style/preference is NOT permission for random dudes to be nasty at you, and he was out of line. Feel free to set your boundaries clearly and not back down. Block, delete, remove yourself from a situation, do whatever you have to do to stay happy and safe.

People will make assumptions about you, especially if you're a member of any minority group - "women are like..." or "all bisexual people do..." - and it's miserable. Being openly polyamoroys does mean that people will ask intrusive questions and be generally unnecessary. But you are not alone! Find a polyamorous forum or support group where you can be yourself, and honor the courage and pride it took to come out as polyamorous even though certain people chose to respond in an awful way.

Two weeks after I met someone, they told me they didn't have feelings for me - what's my next move?

I was seeing a woman for 2 weeks. Out of nowhere she stopped sending texts. I never heard back from her for a week until I called her out for ghosting after we had had numerous talks before on how awful it is to do that. She apologized and had admitted that she wanted to have feelings for me but can't. She offered to remain friends but understood if I didn't want to do it. She continued to carry a conversation with me after, and I kept it brief. Should I be at peace with this and leave it alone?

If the question is "should I be at peace," the answer is YES 99.99% of the time.

She doesn't want a sexual/romantic relationship with you, but seems to feel you two click on a personal level where a friendship would be nice. Is that something you want? Or would you rather just drop it altogether?

If you want a friendship, be friends. Have conversations with her about shared interests, invite her to group gatherings, that sort of thing. If it feels too awkward or high-effort or otherwise isn't something you want to invest energy in, go ahead and graciously let communication cease.

That said, she may not actually be keen on a friendship and have just said that to soothe hurt feelings. If she continues to be flaky and low-communication, best to leave it be. Two weeks isn't long at all, and it's very normal for something to fizzle out at that stage.

I have an opportunity to join a polyfidelitous triad, but I have some concerns

So I've been talking to a couple that has offered a very luxurious lifestyle, and they fit the bill in almost every way for what I've always wanted. They have been together for around 10 years, and initially they mentioned "triad & polyfidelitous" but it's also very clear as of talking (7 days) that one is a lot more interested then the other, or at least reaching out at all... of course on top this knowing that they have such a strong foundation already, I would sleep alone majority/all the time.

Only you can make the call here - do the pros outweigh the cons? Is this a situation that sounds fun enough to make up for any frustrations you'd have to put up with, or are there too many red flags for your liking? 

It's okay for you ask for more clarification of expectations. Lay out for this person the specifics of what you want, and ask if they are willing and able to provide what you want. Let them know what your dealbreakers are, and ask if they can assure you that none of those are part of the plan. Where there are discrepancies, talk about compromise and be proactive in problem-solving.

It's okay to hold fast to your requirements and boundaries. It's okay to be flexible and compromise on some things, too! But be sure that you're being clear-eyed and honest with yourself, not brushing aside concerns because you want it all to work out or assume your future self will just be able to repress certain desires or disappointments. Don't do that to future you!

My partner wrote that he wants to be polyamorous, but won't discuss it with me

I've been dating almost a year & we are expecting. we started our relationship as a mono one (with zero connections to polyamory in anyway), but some weeks ago I stumbled across something he wrote & apparently he has 'realized' that he is poly, but the post was completely negative about our current relationship. This took me completely by surprise & I've tried to talk to him about it, but every time I ask him anything he tells me I don't know. I'm hurt & confused & getting zero answers.

He could be feeling angry or defensive about the way you "stumbled across" what he wrote - was there a violation of privacy on your part? You may need to take ownership of that and apologize to him, and try and re-lay a foundation to have that conversation safely. "I'm sorry that I found out this way, and that I found out before you were ready to talk about this with me - but this is where we are now, and I can't pretend to un-know what I know."

Ask him to make time to sit down with you and talk things out, straight and clear. Ask him direct questions, like "would you like our relationship to change? In what ways?" or "what about this relationship is making you unhappy?" or "what do you need from me to feel safe talking about this?"

If he refuses to answer your questions, you're allowed to press a bit more: "Look, we are about to have a child together, so we really need to get this figured out. I need you to be clear, open, and honest with me. I can't promise that I won't be upset or hurt if you share difficult things, but I can promise to receive what you have to say and give you a safe space to share how you feel. You need you give us the chance to figure this out together."

If he simply refuses to engage with you on this, then you have a choice to make: do you want to stay with someone who cannot or will not discuss his feelings and needs with you? 

Examining our language to identify potentially unhealthy or unnecessary assumptions

Hey there! I just wanted to say I really liked your answer about how we use language and our assumptions about the world. I think it's super great! I was wondering if you could consider a broader post on the subject, for example the way a lot of people frame polyamory, open relationships, etc? I notice a lot of talk about "allowing" for example. 

The letter-writer is referring to this post and this follow-up.

I sat on this letter for a bit so I could do some brainstorming about some of the language I see in the letters to this column and elsewhere in the polyamorous community. Here are a handful of categories and examples; this is by no means exhaustive! So perhaps consider this a part one of many in a series on language and assumptions in polyamory.

Adding/Bringing In

This is perhaps the one I most frequently find myself pushing back against. I see this most often with people in established, previously-monogamous couples. People will say they have decided they want to "add a new partner to their relationship," or "bring someone in." 

I find this language weirdly objectifying and dehumanizing. You go looking for a new lamp to bring into your living room to brighten it up. You find a new spice to add to a dish you're cooking. In these cases, you have an existing situation that needs something, and you just go find something that meets your needs and toss it in.

People don't work like that, and neither do relationships. Imagine that you start a new job, and a new coworker goes up to you, acts really friendly and excited about you, then tells you that they've really been looking for a new friend to add to their social group! That's...weird. Or imagine if you're a straight monogamous woman and a man tells you he wants to bring a girlfriend into his life. Again...weird.

People are complete, complex, dynamic beings with needs, desires, and lives. Relationships should be a give-and-take, not a "I picked you up, examined you to see if you're what I wanted, then stuck you where you fit into my living room - I mean life." 

Allowing/Opening To New People

When you audition for a role in a play, there's a power imbalance - you want the role, and the people judging your audition are there to decide whether they want you for the role. That's not how relationships work, though. Unless you've got the looks of Natalie Dormer and the emotional generosity of Mister Rogers, don't act, or think, like what you're offering relationship-wise is something people are lining up to apply for, and you can just take your pick of the qualified auditioners. (If you do look like Natalie Dormer and have leveled up to max on emotional maturity, please call me.)

There's a difference between "deciding we are open to dating other people" and "opening our relationship to allow other people in." You have to be giving as much as you're asking for; dating you is not a privilege that the polyamorous people of the world have been waiting for you to make available.

If you find yourself using language that speaks to a sense that you've done all the work you need to by putting yourself/yourselves on the market, and you just need to sit back and assess those who come to you, that needs a reframing. 

Cope With/Come To Terms With 

I hear from a lot of people asking for help "coping with" or "coming to terms with" their partner's polyamory or monogamy or something else in their relationship. Here's the thing, though - things you "cope with" are painful circumstances outside of your control. Learning a loved one has a terminal illness or losing your dream job due to a budget shortage is something you "cope with." 

If you're at the point of experiencing your partner's behavior or choices as something you need to figure out how to tolerate the pain of, the issue is probably not "learn how to be okay with something that makes you miserable." It may be "how to ask for a change to the relationship to help you get what you need to be okay" or how to leave the relationship with grace and safety.

Emotions/Preferences As Inherent Personal Qualities

"My partner is possessive, so..."
"I can't do XYZ because my girlfriend is a jealous person."
"Open conversation is not an option because I am shy and non-confrontational."

Some things, we just can't help: The core of our temperaments and personalities. The presence of a mental illness. Our pasts. But be careful of language that lets you, or your partner, abdicate all responsibility. Do not trap yourself in the framing of "well I'm just like this, I can't help it."

So maybe you feel more jealous than the average person. That doesn't mean you get to just throw your hands up and say, well, I'm a jealous person, take me or leave me. It just means you have your work cut out for you to manage those feelings, behave in a healthy way, and have the conversations you and your partner need to make things work for both of you.

Armchair Psychiatry

Be really, really careful with psychological or semi-psychological terms like "narcissistic," "toxic," "co-dependent," "addict," "borderline," "trauma," etc. It's rarely helpful to a situation for someone to make sweeping generalizations (she is toxic) or amateur diagnoses (I'm pretty sure he has a personality disorder). 

Instead, focus on specific behaviors: what has this person done or said that hurt or concerned you? This is easier to address and prevents the mess of issues that comes with attempting to label or diagnose someone else's personality.

Also, remember that not all jerks are mentally ill. Not all unpleasant, cruel, manipulative, or even abusive behavior is diagnosable or symptomatic. Just being an awful person is not a DSM category. Someone can make bad choices without it needing to be traceable to a specific psychological disorder.

If you suspect that you or someone in your life is struggling with mental illness, trauma, or addiction, the next thing to do is get the professionals involved. A diagnosis is not the end goal - it is the beginning; it is a tool to help people find treatment that works and communicate about their needs. Simply having a word for something, or thinking you have a good descriptor, is not useful on its own.

Mind-Reading Language

Spot the difference between: "He doesn't care about me" vs. "He doesn't answer my texts." 
Or: "I'm not enough for her" vs. "She wants to date other people."

Check your language to see whether you're framing things in a way that makes major assumptions about someone else's feelings or motives. Remember that you are not psychic, and even if you experience something a certain way, that doesn't mean that was your partner's intention. Not all "messages received" are "messages sent." 

My partner is living with another partner who won't allow me in the house

Due to an emergency, my primary partner has to live with their partner (my metamour) for a few months while they get back on their feet. My metamour and I haven't had the best relationship because my introduction to and early experiences with her were traumatic, but I'm trying. Trust me when I say I want to be friends with my metamours. Now, my metamour has barred me access from her home and told our partner I'm not allowed to visit them in her house because she's not "comfortable" with me because I haven't tried hard enough to be friends with her. I think barring me from her home without opportunity for a conversation is unethical. Isn't it? Because the way I see it, regardless of how I feel about any of my metamours, I wouldn't forbid them from seeing our partner in a space that is my partner's and mine unless safety is a concern. I understand it's her home and it's her decision, but I think there's a right thing and a wrong thing to do. Not being able to see my partner, spend time with them, and just be home with them will weaken our relationship and my metamour knows that. I'm afraid this could cause my relationship with my partner to end; things have already been rocky for the past few months because of this specific metamour. Both my partner and I are talking to my metamour (separately) to have her understand that the circumstance she's putting us in is messed up. My partner is trying their hardest to get back on their feet so we won't have to endure this situation for long (but it could still take up to 6 months for them to be able to live away from this metamour again). What advice could you give me? What else can I do here? I'm losing my mind.

Okay, first things first - trauma is very serious. If someone in your life is traumatizing you, that is a crisis. Traumatizing someone - by definition, treating them in such a way that their psychological ability to cope with the pain or stress is overwhelmed - is abuse. If you are being, or have been, traumatized, you need to work with a therapist as soon as possible to start healing, learning to recognize your needs and set boundaries, and working on the patterns of thought and behavior that lead you to continue trying to be friends with people who traumatize you. (And if you feel that I am overreacting or the situation does not call for this response, then you need to not use the word ‘trauma’ - someone being rude, exclusive, unpleasant or nasty is not “traumatizing.”)

Second, you’re asking me to make a call as to whether this person’s behavior and demands are unethical and unreasonable, but it really doesn’t matter. Has this person said “oh, sure, I’ll amend my restrictions if you can get an internet advice blogger to agree with you?” Ultimately, you cannot change her mind or control her behavior. All you can do is decide what is best for you to do in this situation.

You could decide that dating someone who is dating or living with someone who traumatizes you and acts in a way you feel is unethical is not working for you, and leave the relationship. That is a choice you make for your own safety, not something anyone else is forcing you to do.

Or, you could decide that you want to try and make things work with your partner. Perhaps they are happy to spend lots of time where you live, and have sleepovers often. Perhaps they are willing to stand up to their partner/your metamour and say “I am going to have Salmertha over this Saturday to watch movies - you can make other plans to be out of the house if you want, but I’m not going to let you limit my ability to see my other partners.”

But if you ask your partner for that, and they tell you that they’ve chosen to give in 100% to the metamour’s demands, that’s their choice. You can’t control your partner, but you can control how you respond: “I’m sorry, I just can’t be in a relationship with someone who won’t risk any friction in another relationship to try and find a compromise for me.” Let go of trying to change someone else’s mind or see them as a controlling force in your life.

My therapist likes to say, of other people’s behavior and choices, ‘it’s all information.’ Your metamour has given you a lot of information about what being in a polyamorous network with her is like. Your partner has given you a lot of information about what being in a relationship with them is like. Now you get to decide, based on that information, what you want to do. 

It’s like if you interview for a job and they tell you “we’ll pay you a bajillion dollars, but to work here you’d have to come to work in five-inch heels every day and you’re not allowed to talk to your coworkers.” They’re not opening a debate with you, they’re stating their terms. You’d run yourself ragged trying to change their policy, even if you think it’s totally bonkers. All you can do is decide whether the bajillion dollars is worth it, or, based on what you know about this workplace, it’s best for you to decline their offer.