How do I move past trauma related to polyamory?

I grew up in an abusive household that used polyamory to justify some of my parent's behavior. My partner is poly, but when they tried to date a friend they've known for years, she became violent and abusive. I want to be rid of my trauma, but now I have new trauma. What do I do?

I am so sorry to hear that you continue to experience trauma at the hands of people calling themselves polyamorous. The first thing I can suggest here is therapy - preferably with a trauma-informed therapist who can work with you on the abuse and trauma from your childhood.

The next step is to talk with your partner about this. It sounds like this second trauma was something you and your partner went through together after your metamour became violent and abusive. What have you two done to heal together? What do you need from each other? Consider attending therapy together, or helping her find a therapist to see as well.

You could also do a mini book club where you read a book together about trauma survival or healing from abusive relationships and talk about it. Some partners find it really powerful as a bonding experience to read out loud to each other; or you could just read it independently and talk about it afterwards.

It is OK if you need to take a break from polyamory for a while - it sounds like you have two pretty significant traumas associated with it and you may need time to heal. This is something you can ask of your partner - "hey, while we're working out the abuse we suffered together and figuring out how to heal from the past and how to build boundary-setting and red-flag-recognition skills to keep it from happening again, can we temporarily suspend the addition of new partners?"

Your partner may be unwilling to do this, which is their prerogative, but then you'll need to decide whether it's critical for your healing to step away from this relationship if that's the only way to step away from polyamory. But don't go there just yet - start working with your partner on healing.

How should we define our relationship?

I'm not interested in having relationships with others. But I'm ok with my wife having relationships with other women and will join in on sex. What kind of relationship would you define us as having?

Well, since I'm not one of the women your wife is hoping to date, it doesn't really matter how I'd define your relationship! I'm not the Polyamorous Sorting Hat capable of telling you exactly who and what you are.

The purpose of defining our relationships is to help us better understand them, and in turn, to help us explain them to other people. The right word for your relationship is whatever word helps you two find and cultivate healthy, fulfilling relationships, articulate your needs, and live authentically into what makes you happy.

You may find that "polyamorous" best describes your relationship; or that "open relationship" captures it better, or there may be another term that works better. You may settle on one, then realize you need to change it if people who meet you under the assumption that you're XYZ get turned off or confused or bring unhelpful assumptions to the table. 

No one word will encapsulate everything about what you two need from others and have to offer, though, so be careful not to put those expectations on finding the perfect descriptor. You'll still need to be able to discuss, with clarity and honesty, who you are, what you need, and what types of relationships you're envisioning. 

Consider also checking out my FAQ on this topic!

Is there a male equivalent to the term "unicorn"?

If a heterosexual couple looking for a bisexual woman is looking for a unicorn, would that mean that a couple looking for a bisexual man is looking for a centaur?

I mean...I guess? To my knowledge no one has come up with a word for that yet, so if you're in that situation and want to label it that way, go for it.

I'm not sure we need a parallel fantasy-creature term for it, though - the word "unicorn" is supposed to imply that "a bisexual woman who is attracted to both you and your partner and wants to date you on your specific terms and is willing to engage with all your baggage and perform the emotional labor that comes with you two opening your relationship" is incredibly rare (perhaps even fictional) and requires lots of patience and effort on your part to find. It's a term born out of necessity, not just to be cute.

So I'd want to hear from bisexual men who have been sought (or "hunted") about their needs, and what frustrating patterns or blind spots they've seen in the couples seeking them, and what term they think captures this well. 

I'm a trans woman and my girlfriend started dating a TERF

I'm a trans woman who has a penis repulsed girlfriend. Not having sex together was fine but we both got dissatisfied eventually and tried to open up the relationship (I'd been poly in the past so it wasn't a problem). She is new to poly and just recently began connecting with an older lesbian. I found out this older lesbian woman is a huge TERF after seeing screenshots in a trans discussion thread. Should I tell my girlfriend that this person she REALLY likes doesn't believe in my existence?

Honestly, that's not a call I can make for you. If you're uncomfortable knowing that someone in your social orbit is a TERF and feel you need to check in with your girlfriend about this, that's totally okay. Be careful to be gentle and non-accusatory - she may feel like you went out of your way to find reasons to criticize or sabotage her new relationship, which isn't true, but can often be the "message received" when an existing partner has something negative to share about a new metamour. Or, she may have an explanation, more context, or other input that can add nuance to the situation.

Also, go into it with a proposed solution or an articulation of your needs - do you want your partner to stop dating this person? Do you want your partner to commit to keeping this person away from you? Do you not mind meeting or being around this person, but want your partner to be aware that you need her to speak up with confidence if anything TERFy or transphobic is said? Be clear with her why you're telling her this and what you need moving forward.

Say something like "hey, I know this really sucks and puts us both in an awful situation, but in one of my trans discussion groups, someone posted screenshots of Garlinda saying transphobic things. I'm worried about having this person in my life because she might say or do something that could really hurt me. Have you two talked about me? Has she said anything about your existing relationship that concerns you? Do you think that if she says anything transphobic, you'll be willing to speak up about your intolerance for that mindset?" Then give space for her responses and strategize together about how to balance her freedom with your safety.

That said, you're not obligated to stay in a situation that puts this woman in your orbit. If your girlfriend will not commit to doing what you need her to do to keep you safe, or if she gets angry and defensive and insists that you have no right to be concerned about what you saw, or if something happens in the future with this woman that makes you uncomfortable or upset, you don't need to stick around and tolerate that.

Is there a wait list?

Is there a wait list? For poly advice?

Yes. I usually have a queue of 7-14 days worth of posts. If you need urgent help because you are in crisis or having a personal emergency, check out the forums and hotlines listed on my mental health resources page. Check this post for more info.

Also, I post once a day, and I get more than one message per day, so not every message will get posted with an answer. Your message is more likely to be posted if it's short and easy to understand, and a unique issue that hasn't already been covered by a similar post or an FAQ page.

I told my partner I wasn't actually comfortable with a polyamorous arrangement, and now she's making me feel guilty

I thought I was poly but I really don't like when my partner is seeing someone else. She broke up with him and told me it's my fault and now I'm feeling so guilty. I don't know what to do.

You don't control your partner's actions. You told your partner "I don't like when you're seeing someone else." She could have decided to: A.) Stop seeing you so she can keep seeing other people, B.) Stop seeing that person so she can stay with you, or C.) Keep seeing both of you and try to make it work.

It sounds like she chose B, but is shooting herself in the foot now - why sacrifice one relationship for another, only to sabotage that one with guilt and resentment? 

It's okay to tell your partner that you don't appreciate being made to feel guilty or at fault for feelings that you can't help and choices that you didn't make. 

It may be that you two are not well suited to date each other, because you don't want to date someone who dates other people, and your partner will feel controlled and resentful if she dates someone who doesn't want her to date other people.

It's also okay for you to decide that you don't want to stay in a relationship characterized by guilt and blame. If your partner is going to respond to you sharing your feelings by behaving like this, she is making it unsafe for you to be open and honest, and that's not fair or healthy.

My husband and I are dating another woman, but I'm feeling left out

I am new to the poly life and I am trying to get adjusted but it isn't working. My husband and I are dating his ex-wife, we both love her but I feel as though I am being left out. He calls me to talk to her instead of calling her, when we share a bed I always end up sleeping it the guest bed or on the couch, and I feel as if he doesn't want or need me anymore because he has her again. I love them both but I don't know how to talk to them about what I am feeling without hurting them or losing them

What you've laid out here is a really good start for knowing how to talk to them. Sit down with your husband and let him know that parts of this arrangement aren't working for you right now. Tell him specifically that you don't like when he calls you to get through to her, or when you end up feeling unwelcome in the shared bed. There may be some simple fixes here, like him not treating you as a go-between, you two setting aside date nights or private time for the two of you, and a better way to manage bed-sharing that ensures everyone is included.

Keep in mind that not all "messages received" are "messages sent" - it may not be true that he doesn't want or need you anymore. He may just be experiencing NRE, or he may think that you prefer sleeping on your own, or he may just not have thought through his behaviors and how they're impacting you. So make sure not to bring this up in an accusatory way - more informational, just "hey, FYI, this bothers me - can we come up with a way to resolve it?"

My metamour wants to be sexually involved with me, but not romantically

How do I accept that my fiancées new girlfriend might not want to be romantic with me and only sexual?

You're never obligated to "accept" something that makes you unhappy, if "accept" means just going along with another person's demands even if they're not healthy for you. If being sexual but not romantic with someone doesn't work for you, it's okay to not be sexual with this person. 

It's also okay to ask for clarification: what does this person mean by "sexual" and "romantic"? What are their expectations, needs, and desires? What expectations of yours are they willing to commit to meeting? What can they not do for you, or with you?

Remember that someone else's feelings don't reflect on your value or worthiness as a person - it doesn't mean you're someone not romantically interesting, just that this one individual doesn't want to be romantically involved with you.

Keeping in mind that people are not need-meeting machines, it's still very okay to actively pursue other romantic relationships in situations like this. Or, pick up a new hobby or make new friendship connections so that you have something to build you up.

I worry that my polyamorous-identified partner feels unhappy or restrained by our mono relationship

I'm in a relationship with someone who is polyam and I am not. I just don't think I'll ever be comfortable with them seeing other people when they are with me and they know that and they are ok with it I'm just worried that I'm making them unhappy or holding them back

Your partner says they are okay with this arrangement. If you don't trust them - if you think they are saying something they don't mean and are being dishonest about their true feelings, that is a problem in your relationship.

Does your partner have a pattern of lying about their feelings to keep things conflict-free? Do you have any reason not to trust them? Have they said or done anything to make you think that they are unhappy or feeling held back by being in a monogamous relationship with you? If so, this is something to address with them in a non-accusatory way that gives them a safe platform to be honest with you.

If the answer to the above questions is "no" - if the worry that they're being dishonest is coming from inside of you and is more of a projection of your internal anxieties, it's time to work on letting that go. If your partners tells you how they feel, show them respect by believing them. If you're choosing to date them and are happy in the relationship, show yourself the respect by believing that you've made a wise choice and are dating someone trustworthy.

If you can come up with something specific that is bothering you, something that might help to reassure you that they are being honest, or something else actionable that you two can work together on, bring that up with your partner. Don't make your feelings their responsibility - they can't reach into your mind and remove this anxiety, and you'll need to do most of the work on letting yourself trust and feel secure - but give them the information and the tools that can help them help you.

My boyfriend's crush has a crush on me

Hello! My bf is newly poly and he's made a new friend. He has developed a crush on her, but she's bi with a stronger preference to women (for personal reasons). I feel caught because she says she likes both of us, but likes me more. My bf asked to read her messages she sent to me and now he's upset because of her having a bigger crush on me.

First off, you're not obligated to let your boyfriend see something private, even if he asks you to. This woman didn't consent to have her private conversation with you shared with your boyfriend - next time, it's okay to tell your boyfriend "I'm not comfortable showing this to you, at least not until I get Ermanda's permission to share it." If he continues to push or pressure you, he's not being safe or respectful.

As for this current situation, it's okay that he's hurt by hearing that someone he has a crush on doesn't like him as much as he likes her - but that's not anyone's fault. There's a big difference between being upset about a situation, and being upset with someone. No one wronged him - you didn't 'steal' her affections from him, and she didn't choose to feel this way. He's not entitled to have his crush reciprocated (no one is). 

Now is a time for clear, open, and honest communication. Talk to her about this first - "hey, you said that you like both me and my boyfriend, but that you like me more. Can you tell me more about what that means? Do you want to date both of us, but with different boundaries and emotional expectations? Do you want to date just me? Or is this a situation that you'd prefer not to engage with in any sexual or romantic way?"

Then, talk to your boyfriend - lay out how things are and give him space to respond. If you say "Ermanda wants to date both of us, but she is feeling more explicitly sexually attracted to me, so she might be more physical with me than with you, because relationships and needs do differ between individuals," hey may say "I'm not okay with that." He's not obligated to accept the terms that someone else lays out - but he's also not entitled to set his own terms, like demanding that Ermanda behave or feel in a certain way. 

It may be that the healthiest thing for you three is for none of you to date, and to accept that sometimes, crushes can't be acted on because it's not going to work out. It may be that you two want to start seeing each other, which bums out your boyfriend because it's rough to see your partner date your crush, but he decides to work on acceptance because it's happy and healthy for the two of you. Whatever you decide, remember to keep the focus on agency, respect, and honest for everyone.

A handful of FAQ-answerable questions

My boyfriend and I are looking for someone into polyamory to add to our relationship.. But were having trouble finding anyone. Is there a secret to finding other poly people?? Please help :'(

You don't "add people to your relationship," that's not how it works - your trouble probably stems from the problematic framing there. Second, it takes a while to find people to date - be patient. Check my FAQ page for more on this.

Are we allowed to have convos with you about poly relationships? i'm super inexperienced and would like to have someone one on one to talk to.

Sadly, no - at this time I cannot do private or live conversations. You can read more about this policy and find more resources here. 

I've never had a polyam relationship, but I'm wondering if I'm polyam. I know you can't really tell 'til you try, so how exactly do you even start a polyamorous relationship??

Here's my FAQ page on how to tell you're polyamorous (note that most people don't assume that you have to try monogamy to know whether you're monogamous) and my FAQ page on finding polyamorous people to date!

My partner chose a monogamous relationship over staying with me

I was with this really amazing girl - the love of my life, and she and I are both poly. But her main wasn't. Her main said that she wasn't comfortable anymore with the fact her girlfriend was dating other people. I thought that maybe I would be chosen. That she could love me more. And we could live our lifestyle together. But no. They're getting married next month. I still love her so much. I want so much to be a part of her life. I could even deal with her partner not liking me. I just need her.

It's okay to grieve the end of this relationship, but there's nothing else to be done - I am sorry to be the one to tell you that. Sometimes this happens, not only to polyamorous people, but to monogamous people as well. A partner who you love chooses their work, or the freedom of singlehood, or another partner, or something else, over their relationship with you.

And it hurts. It really does. But you will survive. It feels like you 'need' her, but you don't 'need' her like you need air in your lungs or food in your belly, even if the loss of her does feel like drowning or starving. You will get through this. It's okay to mourn, to be angry, to feel hurt. Breakups suck. Loss is painful. 

Do whatever you need to do to feel okay: Consider seeing a therapist who specializes in grief at the end of relationships. Eat a bunch of ice cream. Join an online dating site. Go for a long bike ride. Have some drinks with your friends. Block your ex on all social media so you don't see any wedding nonsense. Pet a dog. Go camping. Write a letter to your ex and then burn it. You'll get through this, I promise.

My partner is going to marry his long-term girlfriend, and it bums me out

I just started my first poly relationship with this guy. When we first started talking he told me straight up that he was poly and that he planned on proposing to his girlfriend of two years. It didn't bother me because I was just looking for fun and not anything serious. It's been two months, and I'm not saying I'm in love with him, but I'm kinda sad that I wont get to marry him. He's literally the perfect person and I'm sad I didn't get to him first. What do I do?

Polyamory holds that "love is not a zero-sum game," meaning that if someone gets something, it does not mean that other people can't have that. Like, if I eat a cookie, then you don't get the cookie (zero-sum). But if I am listening to a song, you can also stand near me and hear the same song, and neither of us has a diminished experience of the song.

That's how polyamory works. Including polyamorous marriage and polyamorous weddings. So the framing of "who got to him first" doesn't make sense - he's a song, not a cookie. Who knows whether in two years, you two will feel ready to commit, to live together, to share lives, to blend families, and to hold a big lavish party celebrating that? 

Talk to your partner to get a feel for what engagement and marriage means for him and his other relationships - you're having fears and feelings based on your internal understanding of what relationships look like and what marriage means. You gotta get the real lay of the land rather than relying on your assumptions - that's why polyamory is all about open communication!

My partner violated my boundaries in a newly-open relationship

My partner and I have recently opened our relationship. Because I am currently prioritizing my mental health, I have asked only one thing: please do not let me see your relationships. Don't Ask Don't Tell is not my ideal scenario, but for the moment it is what I need. My partner agreed, but he continually pushes and even breaks that boundary. In one case, he said his new partner wanted to be publicly acknowledged, so he chose her comfort over mine. I feel violated and disregarded. My heart hurts.

You have the right to set the boundaries that you need, but other people aren't required to do everything you ask if they are unable to. In that case, it's their responsibility to say "I'm sorry, I can't meet that need/stay within that boundary" - it's pretty crappy to make a promise and then keep breaking it.

The issue here is that you asked your partner to abide by specific rules for opening the relationship, and he is not abiding by those rules. You can't force him to change his behavior - you can just decide how to respond.

You can say "I'm actually not comfortable having an open relationship now that we've tried it and learned that your way of practicing non-monogamy isn't compatible with my needs. We tried it, it's not working for me, and I am rescinding consent to open the relationship." If he 'refuses,' then the relationship is over - if you want to be monogamous, and he doesn't, then that's a serious impasse.

You can also decide that you're already done, if him pushing at your boundaries this way is a dealbreaker for you. (It would be for some people; it wouldn't be for other people.) You can say "You've demonstrated that you're willing to ignore, disrespect, or fudge boundaries with me, and that makes me feel uncomfortable dating you now that I know that." 

Or, you could try and dig down to the root of your need for DADT right now, and try to work something out with your partner that recognizes his need for relationships in the open while also helps you manage your mental health. Consider finding a poly-friendly therapist to talk to about this, and set some treatment goals. Sit down with your partner and talk about what needs, fears, and desires you're trying to address with your DADT request, and what needs, fears, and desires make this so hard for him. There might be a way to learn and heal and move through this to an arrangement that's healthy for everyone. But you're not obligated to do that work; it's always your right to leave a relationship that's just not working for you.

Polygamy vs. Polyamory

Is there a difference between being polygamous and polyamorous?

Yes. "Polygamy" is a word used to describe specific societies where plural marriage is part of the social, religious, economic, or political practice. It is most commonly used in sociological or anthropological terms.

"Polyamory" is a contemporary word for freely chosen, consensual non-monogamy, with no cultural coercion. It is considered inaccurate and even offensive to refer to "polyamory" as "polygamy," since the associations with "polygamy" are often restrictive, cult-like environments where wives are treated as property.

There are some polygamous societies that are not restrictive and cult-like; and technically the words mean basically the same thing - but "polygamy" is not a word that most polyamorous people use because it has other connotations.

A handful of FAQ-answerable questions

Hi so forgive me if I'm wrong but I don't understand how poly is part of LGBT and not just a choice someone makes.

I've discussed this issue a few times, and they're all linked on the FAQ page here. Obviously polyamory doesn't fall under LGBT, because it is neither L, nor G, nor B, nor T; but whether it falls under the "queer" umbrella is a point of debate. I have my personal beliefs about this, which you can read about in the link.

If we have a really long message, where do we send it to?

You can email me at polyamoryadvice [at] gmail [dot] com or check my contact page here. Know, however, that "really long" messages are much less likely to get published and answered, and I do often edit long messages to be shorter. Try to be as concise as possible! Lots of people include details that are important to them, but not actually relevant to the core issue.

I'm not sure if I'm poly or not (I think I might be?) but I was wondering if you knew of any websites that offered a great community for newbies? Specifically newbies in their early 20s? Thank you!

Check out the "forums & communities" section here!

Your advice about therapy is great, how do I find a therapist and/or online (therapy?) chat that is poly friendly?

Here are a handful of indexes (these will also be added to the Mental Health Resources page):

• Loving More directory
• The Open List
• Poly Friendly Professionals

You can also search non-polyamory-oriented indexes for therapists that work with issues of sexuality and gender, because they tend to be better informed about polyamory.

Someone used language to describe my polyamorous relationship that I find dehumanizing

My boyfriend is new to polyamory and was explaining things to his sister and she asked if he and my girlfriend were "sharing me." That feel like really gross and dehumanizing phrasing to me; am I overreacting by being unhappy with that phrasing?

It's okay to have feelings about things; and the way other people describe you is something that most people have strong feelings about! You can be unhappy with whatever you want - the word is overreaction, not overfeeling, for a reason. It would be an overreaction if you forbade your boyfriend from ever speaking to his sister again or ordering 100 t-shirts that say NEVER USE THESE WORDS TO DESCRIBE MY RELATIONSHIP, PLEASE and only wearing those.

In this case, it's a third party to your relationship - your boyfriend's sister - who used a phrasing you find icky, in a conversation with someone else. Probably best to leave that alone for now - if someone else uses that language when asking you about your relationship, it's totally fine to say "actually, we don't like to describe it like that," and then give your explanation of what polyamory is and is not, for you.

It's totally okay to bring up with your boyfriend that you don't like language that frames you as an object or possession to be shared - not as a thing you're angry about or an issue you have with his sister, just as a heads-up that you're not comfortable with it. Just like I might say "hey, thanks for going grocery shopping, but in the future, I like creamy peanut butter, not chunky."

Is it critical to keep your partners updated on new and potential new partners?

if your partner knows you're poly and is 100% ok with you dating other people, do you have to tell them whenever you get another partner (alternatively, do you have to ask BEFORE you get another partner)?

That's totally up to you and your partner to set those terms based on what works for your relationship. In my personal experience, it's wise to keep your partner apprised of what's going on in your dating life - that way nothing feels like a secret (which can feel like cheating) and they aren't caught off guard.

That's not to say that you need to fill out a Notice Of New Partner Form in triplicate and submit it through a Polyamory-Certified Courier every time you date someone new - just that it's probably best, in most cases, to be open with your partners about your dating life! It's up to you and your partners to decide exactly how to do that - do you think it's important to bring it up every time someone goes on a date, or only if you're thinking that things are getting serious with someone? 

I like to share what's going on in my life with my partners! So I let them know "I have a date next week with a guy I'm really into," and then a few weeks go by and the conversation is "I'm really starting to like Kevrick, I think things are going pretty well!" And then by the time I'm referring to Kevrick as "my boyfriend," my other partners aren't like "you have a new what now?"

In my case, however, it's always a case of informing, not asking. I don't say "I really want to start dating Kevrick, what do you think about that?" I don't need my partners' permission to date new people. That's what works for us!

I find it hard to imagine a partnership - in which you share lives and talk about what's going on with you - where you can end up with a new partner and your current partner(s) don't know about it as it happens. In most cases, not informing your partner about your dating life takes extra effort and sometimes even lies of omission. 

How do you come up with example names?

How do you come up with example names? That's amazing.

I find it boring, grating, and hard to follow to just use letters; and when I used fake names that weren't obviously fake, like Jessica or Kevin, people were concerned that I wasn't honoring letter-writers' privacy; and when I use collections of obviously-fake names from pop culture, like Harry/Ron/Hermione or Pearl/Amethyst/Garnet, people send me a bunch of messages about it, which is nice but I get so many messages already that it's also not something I need. Plus I love making up names - if you ever need a name for an OC or a pet or anything, please hit me up! So I stole Mallory Ortberg/Dear Prudence's schtick of making up silly names by combining generic Western/English sounding name phonemes. 

I'm dating a man and want to also date his daughter - is this okay?

(I am going to put a content warning at the top of this post because there will be discussion of incest and sexual abuse; this is NOT a judgment of the letter writer or the situation, but it does come up in my answer, so if you are sensitive to that, take care of yourself.)

Bi poly young woman, have been seeing a much older man for a long time. He has an (adult) daughter around my age who I find extremely attractive and he and I started joking around but he ended up admitting he wouldn't mind at all if I started seeing her too (obvs separately, without him involved - no incest here!!) I'm freaking out because I like the idea too - is this OK? Am I OK? Would I be some kind of twisted horrible pervert for dating both a man AND his daughter?

To answer your actual question - no, you're not a twisted horrible pervert if you do that; try to let go of the self-recrimination and guilt. If no one is getting hurt, then you're not doing anything wrong. And you can decide that this isn't something you want to do without deciding that doing it, suggesting it, or wanting it is morally wrong. 

I would caution you to take a step back and make sure this situation is 100% healthy for everyone involved. A father who jokes about his daughter's sex life and encourages someone else to sleep with her might just be a guy who is your partner trying not to put limitations on who you can see; or he might be someone with a problematic investment in, well, his daughter's sex life. I wasn't there when it came up in conversation and I genuinely don't know whether the 'joking around' came from an organic, honest place or whether he is bringing it up as part of an unhealthy fantasy or perspective of his. Is he encouraging this because he seems to be excited about it, or just supporting you in your attraction? Only you can make that call! But you need to make it with clarity.

Remember that parent/child power dynamics can be really complex, and can complicate issues of consent. Be really sure that everyone involved is okay with this arrangement and that it's healthy for everyone. Even then, you might make a mistake - you are not psychic, and you may misinterpret someone's true feelings or intentions, especially if they themselves are unclear. This is NOT to say that you are morally responsible for protecting the daughter from getting into a situation that isn't right for her, just saying that this is tricky territory and you should be aware of your own limitations when it comes to recognizing coercion or ambivalence.

If you go through with this, you'll need to talk really clearly about maintaining healthy boundaries. For example, it's critical in healthy polyamory for there to be some openness about sexual health; you need to be able to talk to your partner about what's going on with your body, which includes some details about your other sexual encounters. But do all three parties feel that it's appropriate for a father to have that insight into his daughter's sex life? If not, how will you manage this? What extra precautions need to be taken to keep everyone psychologically and physically safe?

Talk also about how your "polycule" will function. Will all three of you spend time together? If not, how will you manage things like family get-togethers when the father might want his partner and his daughter there? If so, how does the daughter feel about being in a semi-sexual/romantic role ("girlfriend" and "metamour") while simultaneously being in the daughter role? Would all three of you cuddle up on the couch with you in the middle? Is she okay seeing her father as her metamour? How does she feel about physical affection in the presence of her dad? Between you and the dad? Between you and her? How does the dad feel about being physical/sexual/romantic with you in front of the daughter? Is everyone okay with those boundaries, or does someone feel stifled or controlled?

Are you three prepared to manage the questions and judgments from others? Will you be keeping the arrangement on the down-low? How will things be presented at family functions? Do you have a united front and a prepared explanation? What if a family member has a problem with it and threatens to withhold their children from visiting the dad, or refuses to extend wedding invitations? Will one person ask the others to cave for the sake of the family (just tell everyone she's your roommate, upsetting Grandma isn't worth it, it's just one wedding weekend), or will you three stand up together and demand acceptance? Are you all on the same page about that?

This is a complicated situation, and it's okay if you decide it isn't worth it. But it's also okay if you work it out and decide that it's doable and worth doing. But it will take extra effort, precautions, preparation and self-knowledge to make sure it's safe and healthy for everyone.