some FAQ answerable questions

Hope everyone's Thanksgiving went well! I had to take a little holiday hiatus. Let's jump back in with a handful of FAQ-answerable questions:

How do you meet other polyamorous people? I have found it so hard to meet others that are poly that I could be interested in. Just because they're poly doesn't mean I want to date them, know what I mean? It's near impossible to meet someone who is polyamorous, and has all the qualities I'm looking for!

Here's my FAQ page on this. You are correct that there are just fewer polyamorous people out there in general, it can be harder to find "the one(s)" for you. Part of being any 'minority' group in terms of sexuality or relationships comes with that aggravation. There's no real solution to that besides being patient and putting your best foot forward.

Hey, I think I'm poly, but I'd really only be comfortable in a relationship where everyone is together, like if it was me and 2 other people, I was with both of them and they were together, or at least the ones who weren't dating were close to each other. Am I still a valid poly? Am I close minded? Am I wrong?

Yes, you are valid. The relationship style you're describing is usually referred to as a "triad," and it is many people's preferred polyamorous arrangement. Only wanting a triad may make partners harder to find, but it's perfectly fine to want that. It is not closed minded or wrong in the slightest. I have never been in a triad, but I very much prefer that my partners all get along, and that I am close with my partners' partners. 

Are there different types of polyamory? Like, being okay with closed polyamorous relationships, (in which everybody is in a collective relationship, with a shared love), but not open ones, (in which there are separate relationships that don't touch one another), and/or vice versa? Or would that delegitimize one's identifying as polyamorous? (I'm in an internal dilemma)

Yes, there are different types of polyamory, and they are all "valid" or "legitimate" - see my answer above. People who want a closed triad or quad are polyamorous; people who want a V-shaped relationship are polyamorous. People who want a closed relationship could also be referred to as "polyfidelitous." But that's a subset of polyamory.

Am I ok to ask something in private? I understand if not.

Can I ask a private question I don’t want posted? 

Unfortunately, no. However, one of these questions did precede a pretty interesting question that I haven't answered on here before and would love to be able to publish an answer to, so if you're okay having it answered anonymously, please let me know.

If I'm polyam, should I date someone who's mono?

hello! if i'm polyamorous, should i get into a relationship with someone who is monogamous?

I wouldn't advise it - read through the archives of my blog to see a lot of examples of this not working out. But then again, the only people who write in to an advice column are people who need help with something. There could be tons of people out there in perfectly happy mono/poly relationships.

It's okay for some things to be dealbreakers - what are yours? Think through what you're willing to give up for that relationship. Don't go in hoping that you can change their mind or work up to opening up the relationship. It's okay to decide that you want to try and make it work. It's okay to decide that it's just not meant to be. Ultimately, that's your call.

How do you navigate family holidays as a polyamorous person?

This is a more technical question, but are there any good ways to make 'family holidays' work with poly? Thanksgiving is coming up and 1 turkey dinner is daunting enough, I don't know if I can manage 3. I don't really know how to coordinate who goes where on what day to maximize the number of people made happy (and having everyone over at my place is not an option). Plus there's non-understanding parents to consider.... help?

Ah, the eternal awkwardness of navigating the holiday season as a polyamorous person. Part of the trick is just being willing to let someone down; being a bit of a sponge willing to soak up some negativity and some conflict. You can't make everyone happy, so let go of trying. It's fair to want to "maximize" the number of people made happy, but really, your main job is to make sure your own needs get met, and to have the backs of the people you're in relationships with. Seven annoyed or offended aunts and grandmas isn't really "equal" to one burnt-out or insulted partner. 

Some families find that trade-offs work - "Jorston and I are going to Glavel's family Thanksgiving, but we'll be with you all for Christmas." Or, "I'll be doing Thanksgiving with Jorston's family this year, and will plan to visit you for Thanksgiving next year." Some people may pitch a bit of a fit about you skipping Thanksgiving, but that's their problem. If you're not up to 3 Thanksgivings, don't go to 3 Thanksgivings.

Figure out what's going to work for you, and then make that work. Don't get caught up in making everything work for everyone. That might mean telling your partners "I'm sorry, but I'm just not up to going with you to your family's Thanksgiving this year. I'll be with my family for Thanksgiving all day. Of course you're invited, but I totally understand if you want to spend it with your family." There is no Relationship Law that you have to be together on Thanksgiving. Their family might whine about it and pester them about "where's Blatilda? Why isn't Blatilda here this year?" - but that's, again, a mild unpleasantness that can't be avoided.

Some polyamorous networks find that it's easier to shake out into smaller, often more mono-passing, arrangements for the sake of the holidays. In my situation, for instance, even though I don't practice hierarchical polyamory and none of my partners are my "primaries," my partner "Casper" has a family that lives in the same city as my family, and I'm pretty close to his family. So I travel to my home state and do part of Thanksgiving with the Caspers, and part of Thanksgiving with my family. I can't go to the house of my other long-term partner, "David S. Pumpkins," for Thanksgiving because the Pumpkins family lives in a different state. Even splitting the day between my family and the Caspers causes some friction. But that's what I want to do, so I do it.

It may be that one year David S. Pumpkins lets me know that it would be really important to him that I join him for the Pumpkins Thanksgiving. In that case, maybe I'd choose not to go to my home state one year, and stay and do Thanksgiving with his family. That would mean some disappointed people in my family and Casper's family. But sometimes we disappoint people! Or, I could tell David S. Pumpkins "I'm sorry, but going home for Thanksgiving is a tradition that is really important to me, and I just can't do what you're asking. Let's figure out some alternatives."

Either way, someone has a Thanksgiving without me, and the world goes on despite the fact that I had to tell someone "no" in a bummer of a conversation. Anyone - family member or partner - who chooses to try guilt-tripping, tantrum-throwing, or other tactics to get me to spend a holiday with them immediately drops off my list, rather than making me more likely to find time for them. It can be tempting to think that you really ought to go to someone's house because they're the "most hurt" about it, but don't reward that kind of behavior. Decide where you want to go and then let people know what your plans are. It's not a negotiation. 

When it comes to non-understanding family members, there are two possible problems. One is that you tell your mother that you'll be with Glavel's family for Thanksgiving, and she gets deeply wounded because !he's not even your real boyfriend" or somesuch nonsense. All she's done is make it easier on you to choose to spend a day in someone else's company. You have my permission to flounce off elsewhere without any more fuss. You don't need anyone's permission or understanding to do what you want for a holiday.

But if you want to bring multiple partners to a family gathering and worry that your family members will be bigoted or rude, that's something to take a bit more seriously. Talk with your partners beforehand about their concerns, how you'll present a united front, which family members are more likely to be nasty, who you have in your corner, and what the plan is for responding to inappropriate comments. If you feel like a certain family gathering just won't be emotionally safe for someone, don't go, or at the very least don't make that person go. 

So maybe it works out for you and Jorston to go to your family's place for Thanksgiving and Glavel goes to his family's place. His family might be like "why didn't you bring your partner?" and Jorston's family might be like "but why can't you join us?" - but they will survive. They might sulk a bit, but they are adults and they will survive the crushing disappointment of an adult having other life obligations on Thanksgiving. Or, maybe all three of you go to your house for the dinner, and then all three of you pop over to Glavel's for some wine in the evening, and then go home. Or maybe you and Glavel will go to Glavel's house, then you'll leave early and swing by to say hi to Jorston's family.

There are infinite possibilities. All of them will make someone unhappy. But you do what you need to keep yourself happy. Make sure you see the family members who are important for you to see (both your own and your partners', if you are close to their families) and make sure you and your partners find some time without pestering aunts and insensitive grandmas to enjoy each other during the holiday season.

I want two girlfriends.

I am seeking 2 gf for a poly relationship. Where are good places to look for that. New obviously lol

First: my FAQ page about this. (Friends! Check the FAQ and use the blog's search function before writing me!) And I answered a very similar question here.

Second: to be fair, I only have two and a half sentences from you, but I'm pretty sure you're going about this the wrong way. It sounds like you want "a polyamorous arrangement with two women" - that the polyamorous nature of the relationship, and the fact that there are two girlfriends involved, is the object of your desire. That's not a relationship, it's a sexual fantasy. Which is fine to have, just don't mistake it for a relationship.

Polyamorous relationships involve real people. You don't go out looking for "a relationship." You go out looking for a person you want to be in a relationship with. You may identify as polyamorous, which means you're open to dating more than one person. But that's all there is to it - meeting people and dating them, not the idea of them, not what they represent, not the relationship as a fetishized entity unto itself.

I want to date a guy, but my fiancé and I have only talked about opening the relationship to women

My fiancé (27) & I (22) have been together for ~7 years. We had a threesome over a year ago with a woman that he worked with. It was enjoyable in the moment for all of us, but it was awkward & we didn’t handle it very smoothly. He actually had sex with her before the three of us did anything (or before I really talked to her about much of anything) which he told me about and I didn’t hold against him because it was a result of unclear communication between the two of us. In the end, we learned a lot & it made me want an open relationship even more. The issue is that my partner is only interested in women for us, together or separate. I identify as bi & have a huge crush on 1 of our mutual friends who is a guy. My fiancé knows about the crush but still feels weird about opening up to me having relationship with another man. He says he just has a harder time trusting men, but I’m worried it could be stemming from jealousy or lack of self confidence or something. I don’t want to do anything that would hurt my current partner, I love him deeply, but I also reallyyyyyy like this other guy and want to talk to him about how I feel, but again, don’t want to overstep any boundaries or hurt feelings or miscommunicate. Were also definitely NOT out about being polyam-curious (I think that’s the right term to use here).

Your first step is to talk to your fiancé about this. It's pretty common for men to feel this way about female partners - that they're okay with their partners dating women, but not other men. Within the polyamorous community, this is often referred to as the "One Dick Rule" or "One Penis Policy."* The One Dick Rule, though common, is garbage, and you are correct that it usually comes from hangups that deserve to be interrogated.

Talk to your partner about this conviction he has that men are "less trustworthy." What, specifically, is he concerned about? This isn't about him convincing you that his rule is valid and should be followed; it's about figuring out how to help him let go of these hangups. Let him know that as far as you're concerned, as a bisexual woman, being allowed to date other people does include men, and you want to figure out how to work that out.

Say that you've been thinking seriously about having an open relationship ever since the threesome, and you want to talk about whether that could work between you, and if so, what it would look like. Be clear and honest about what you want. Only after you two figure out what your relationship arrangement will look like is the right time to come out in your social circles as polyam-curious and willing to date and/or sleep with other people.

I also want to add a note of caution. Keep in mind that you've been dating this man since you were fifteen and he was twenty. This creates some vulnerabilities that you should be aware of. With that kind of age gap, the older partner often gets to determine the other partner's sense of what is normal, so you need to be very careful about that. Don't take his word for it that something he did was unilaterally okay, or that something you did makes his behavior consequence-free, or that his preferences are objective reflections of reality.

It's a red flag for me that he slept with someone essentially without your permission or without working it out with you first, but you're not allowed to be upset about that because it was a "miscommunication." Now you're worried about another "misunderstanding" with regards to these new steps toward opening the relationship. It's not okay that these "miscommunications" seem to fall on you - it's your responsibility to avoid and prevent them, but if they do happen, they absolve him of responsibility.

You need to figure out how to keep yourself safe from this sort of framing. Both of you are responsible for managing your communication. Neither of you are immune from consequences even if you genuinely had a miscommunication. Both of you are entitled to your feelings about things, even if the other person insists that your feelings are the result of a miscommunication. You two need to figure out how to prevent these miscommunications, and if they do happen, how to navigate and heal from the fallout of that miscommunication, rather than brushing it off. That's the first step - clear, open, honest, and safe communication.

*Side note: the last time I used the phrase One Dick Rule/One Penis Policy, I got a message saying that it was transphobic to equate being a man with having a dick. In general, it is true that this isn't a great assumption to make. In this case, however, I do feel that - to get a bit Freudian here - it is in large part the 'threat' of the 'phallus' that creates the anxiety. One wonders how many men who have an ODR in place would 'allow' their partner to date or sleep with a man without a penis, and what that says about their conception of maleness and sexuality. Also, I didn't invent the term, and want to best equip my readers to get more information, and One Dick Rule/One Penis Policy will be more searchable than One Male Person Rule. 

What should my partner and I make sure to discuss before opening our relationship?

What are some good questions to ask at the beginning of changing a monogamous relationship into a polyamorous one? My husband and I recently decided to make this change, we've talked about it for a while and this is something we've agreed on. However, I want to make sure we cover all our bases on everything that might need to be discussed.

First off - and I know this isn't the answer you were looking for - let go of the idea that you can actually get all your bases covered. There is no foolproof way to ensure that no one gets hurt or that nothing unexpected comes up. You can't prepare for everything. This isn't just true of opening up a relationship - it's true of everything. I just listened to a podcast about the killing of Osama bin Laden - they had everything lined up perfectly, all their "bases covered," and then a helicopter crashed. Some things you just can't protect yourself from, even if you prepare thoroughly.

But, you are correct that there are things you can do to lay a strong foundation for your relationship. My recommendations - and this is not an exhaustive list - are to at least discuss:

What are your best-case-scenarios? Indulge in daydreams and outline exactly what you'd get in a perfect world. Do both of your fantasy futures line up perfectly? (If so, one of you probably isn't being totally honest.) Where there are gaps, dig in and discuss. Consider reading accounts of polyamory (check my resources page) and discussing what you do and don't like, what you do and don't want, etc.

What are your worst-case-scenarios? What are you most afraid of? What would be a complete dealbreaker for you? Relatedly, what are some "rough spots" you anticipate not enjoying, but wouldn't consider absolute dealbreakers? Again, wherever you two aren't totally aligned, dig in and discuss.

How do you two plan to present this new relationship to friends, family, and potential new partners? Do either of you have personal or professional concerns? How will you present a united front? Does someone want to be more open or more private about this than the other person? How will you navigate that?

How are you defining everything? For words you two have been using (monogamous, polyamorous, relationship, partner, sex, etc.) make sure you two have the same definition. It's easy to assume you both mean the same thing when you say "relationship," but that's actually a pretty nebulous word!

How will you manage "couples privilege"? This probably will come up in your best-case/worst-case discussion and your definitions talk, but should be placed on the table explicitly. Are you going into this as a solid couple unit who will make decisions together about new partners, whether to re-close the relationship, etc. or are you two polyamorous individuals free to explore dating externally? If being polyamorous together doesn't work out, is your intention to re-close the relationship or break up?

Those are some conversation starters - you will probably find many more things to talk about as you begin this journey. Note that I didn't talk about "rules" like "veto power," or "sexual limits," etc. In my experience, setting up rules like "no sex on the first date" or "no saying 'I love you' to other partners" have the opposite of their intended effect. Rather than add more coverage for your bases, they just create new bases that can then become points of conflict or require more coverage. Best of luck!

How do I move past trauma related to polyamory?

I grew up in an abusive household that used polyamory to justify some of my parent's behavior. My partner is poly, but when they tried to date a friend they've known for years, she became violent and abusive. I want to be rid of my trauma, but now I have new trauma. What do I do?

I am so sorry to hear that you continue to experience trauma at the hands of people calling themselves polyamorous. The first thing I can suggest here is therapy - preferably with a trauma-informed therapist who can work with you on the abuse and trauma from your childhood.

The next step is to talk with your partner about this. It sounds like this second trauma was something you and your partner went through together after your metamour became violent and abusive. What have you two done to heal together? What do you need from each other? Consider attending therapy together, or helping her find a therapist to see as well.

You could also do a mini book club where you read a book together about trauma survival or healing from abusive relationships and talk about it. Some partners find it really powerful as a bonding experience to read out loud to each other; or you could just read it independently and talk about it afterwards.

It is OK if you need to take a break from polyamory for a while - it sounds like you have two pretty significant traumas associated with it and you may need time to heal. This is something you can ask of your partner - "hey, while we're working out the abuse we suffered together and figuring out how to heal from the past and how to build boundary-setting and red-flag-recognition skills to keep it from happening again, can we temporarily suspend the addition of new partners?"

Your partner may be unwilling to do this, which is their prerogative, but then you'll need to decide whether it's critical for your healing to step away from this relationship if that's the only way to step away from polyamory. But don't go there just yet - start working with your partner on healing.

How should we define our relationship?

I'm not interested in having relationships with others. But I'm ok with my wife having relationships with other women and will join in on sex. What kind of relationship would you define us as having?

Well, since I'm not one of the women your wife is hoping to date, it doesn't really matter how I'd define your relationship! I'm not the Polyamorous Sorting Hat capable of telling you exactly who and what you are.

The purpose of defining our relationships is to help us better understand them, and in turn, to help us explain them to other people. The right word for your relationship is whatever word helps you two find and cultivate healthy, fulfilling relationships, articulate your needs, and live authentically into what makes you happy.

You may find that "polyamorous" best describes your relationship; or that "open relationship" captures it better, or there may be another term that works better. You may settle on one, then realize you need to change it if people who meet you under the assumption that you're XYZ get turned off or confused or bring unhelpful assumptions to the table. 

No one word will encapsulate everything about what you two need from others and have to offer, though, so be careful not to put those expectations on finding the perfect descriptor. You'll still need to be able to discuss, with clarity and honesty, who you are, what you need, and what types of relationships you're envisioning. 

Consider also checking out my FAQ on this topic!

Is there a male equivalent to the term "unicorn"?

If a heterosexual couple looking for a bisexual woman is looking for a unicorn, would that mean that a couple looking for a bisexual man is looking for a centaur?

I mean...I guess? To my knowledge no one has come up with a word for that yet, so if you're in that situation and want to label it that way, go for it.

I'm not sure we need a parallel fantasy-creature term for it, though - the word "unicorn" is supposed to imply that "a bisexual woman who is attracted to both you and your partner and wants to date you on your specific terms and is willing to engage with all your baggage and perform the emotional labor that comes with you two opening your relationship" is incredibly rare (perhaps even fictional) and requires lots of patience and effort on your part to find. It's a term born out of necessity, not just to be cute.

So I'd want to hear from bisexual men who have been sought (or "hunted") about their needs, and what frustrating patterns or blind spots they've seen in the couples seeking them, and what term they think captures this well. 

I'm a trans woman and my girlfriend started dating a TERF

I'm a trans woman who has a penis repulsed girlfriend. Not having sex together was fine but we both got dissatisfied eventually and tried to open up the relationship (I'd been poly in the past so it wasn't a problem). She is new to poly and just recently began connecting with an older lesbian. I found out this older lesbian woman is a huge TERF after seeing screenshots in a trans discussion thread. Should I tell my girlfriend that this person she REALLY likes doesn't believe in my existence?

Honestly, that's not a call I can make for you. If you're uncomfortable knowing that someone in your social orbit is a TERF and feel you need to check in with your girlfriend about this, that's totally okay. Be careful to be gentle and non-accusatory - she may feel like you went out of your way to find reasons to criticize or sabotage her new relationship, which isn't true, but can often be the "message received" when an existing partner has something negative to share about a new metamour. Or, she may have an explanation, more context, or other input that can add nuance to the situation.

Also, go into it with a proposed solution or an articulation of your needs - do you want your partner to stop dating this person? Do you want your partner to commit to keeping this person away from you? Do you not mind meeting or being around this person, but want your partner to be aware that you need her to speak up with confidence if anything TERFy or transphobic is said? Be clear with her why you're telling her this and what you need moving forward.

Say something like "hey, I know this really sucks and puts us both in an awful situation, but in one of my trans discussion groups, someone posted screenshots of Garlinda saying transphobic things. I'm worried about having this person in my life because she might say or do something that could really hurt me. Have you two talked about me? Has she said anything about your existing relationship that concerns you? Do you think that if she says anything transphobic, you'll be willing to speak up about your intolerance for that mindset?" Then give space for her responses and strategize together about how to balance her freedom with your safety.

That said, you're not obligated to stay in a situation that puts this woman in your orbit. If your girlfriend will not commit to doing what you need her to do to keep you safe, or if she gets angry and defensive and insists that you have no right to be concerned about what you saw, or if something happens in the future with this woman that makes you uncomfortable or upset, you don't need to stick around and tolerate that.

Is there a wait list?

Is there a wait list? For poly advice?

Yes. I usually have a queue of 7-14 days worth of posts. If you need urgent help because you are in crisis or having a personal emergency, check out the forums and hotlines listed on my mental health resources page. Check this post for more info.

Also, I post once a day, and I get more than one message per day, so not every message will get posted with an answer. Your message is more likely to be posted if it's short and easy to understand, and a unique issue that hasn't already been covered by a similar post or an FAQ page.

I told my partner I wasn't actually comfortable with a polyamorous arrangement, and now she's making me feel guilty

I thought I was poly but I really don't like when my partner is seeing someone else. She broke up with him and told me it's my fault and now I'm feeling so guilty. I don't know what to do.

You don't control your partner's actions. You told your partner "I don't like when you're seeing someone else." She could have decided to: A.) Stop seeing you so she can keep seeing other people, B.) Stop seeing that person so she can stay with you, or C.) Keep seeing both of you and try to make it work.

It sounds like she chose B, but is shooting herself in the foot now - why sacrifice one relationship for another, only to sabotage that one with guilt and resentment? 

It's okay to tell your partner that you don't appreciate being made to feel guilty or at fault for feelings that you can't help and choices that you didn't make. 

It may be that you two are not well suited to date each other, because you don't want to date someone who dates other people, and your partner will feel controlled and resentful if she dates someone who doesn't want her to date other people.

It's also okay for you to decide that you don't want to stay in a relationship characterized by guilt and blame. If your partner is going to respond to you sharing your feelings by behaving like this, she is making it unsafe for you to be open and honest, and that's not fair or healthy.

My husband and I are dating another woman, but I'm feeling left out

I am new to the poly life and I am trying to get adjusted but it isn't working. My husband and I are dating his ex-wife, we both love her but I feel as though I am being left out. He calls me to talk to her instead of calling her, when we share a bed I always end up sleeping it the guest bed or on the couch, and I feel as if he doesn't want or need me anymore because he has her again. I love them both but I don't know how to talk to them about what I am feeling without hurting them or losing them

What you've laid out here is a really good start for knowing how to talk to them. Sit down with your husband and let him know that parts of this arrangement aren't working for you right now. Tell him specifically that you don't like when he calls you to get through to her, or when you end up feeling unwelcome in the shared bed. There may be some simple fixes here, like him not treating you as a go-between, you two setting aside date nights or private time for the two of you, and a better way to manage bed-sharing that ensures everyone is included.

Keep in mind that not all "messages received" are "messages sent" - it may not be true that he doesn't want or need you anymore. He may just be experiencing NRE, or he may think that you prefer sleeping on your own, or he may just not have thought through his behaviors and how they're impacting you. So make sure not to bring this up in an accusatory way - more informational, just "hey, FYI, this bothers me - can we come up with a way to resolve it?"

My metamour wants to be sexually involved with me, but not romantically

How do I accept that my fiancées new girlfriend might not want to be romantic with me and only sexual?

You're never obligated to "accept" something that makes you unhappy, if "accept" means just going along with another person's demands even if they're not healthy for you. If being sexual but not romantic with someone doesn't work for you, it's okay to not be sexual with this person. 

It's also okay to ask for clarification: what does this person mean by "sexual" and "romantic"? What are their expectations, needs, and desires? What expectations of yours are they willing to commit to meeting? What can they not do for you, or with you?

Remember that someone else's feelings don't reflect on your value or worthiness as a person - it doesn't mean you're someone not romantically interesting, just that this one individual doesn't want to be romantically involved with you.

Keeping in mind that people are not need-meeting machines, it's still very okay to actively pursue other romantic relationships in situations like this. Or, pick up a new hobby or make new friendship connections so that you have something to build you up.

I worry that my polyamorous-identified partner feels unhappy or restrained by our mono relationship

I'm in a relationship with someone who is polyam and I am not. I just don't think I'll ever be comfortable with them seeing other people when they are with me and they know that and they are ok with it I'm just worried that I'm making them unhappy or holding them back

Your partner says they are okay with this arrangement. If you don't trust them - if you think they are saying something they don't mean and are being dishonest about their true feelings, that is a problem in your relationship.

Does your partner have a pattern of lying about their feelings to keep things conflict-free? Do you have any reason not to trust them? Have they said or done anything to make you think that they are unhappy or feeling held back by being in a monogamous relationship with you? If so, this is something to address with them in a non-accusatory way that gives them a safe platform to be honest with you.

If the answer to the above questions is "no" - if the worry that they're being dishonest is coming from inside of you and is more of a projection of your internal anxieties, it's time to work on letting that go. If your partners tells you how they feel, show them respect by believing them. If you're choosing to date them and are happy in the relationship, show yourself the respect by believing that you've made a wise choice and are dating someone trustworthy.

If you can come up with something specific that is bothering you, something that might help to reassure you that they are being honest, or something else actionable that you two can work together on, bring that up with your partner. Don't make your feelings their responsibility - they can't reach into your mind and remove this anxiety, and you'll need to do most of the work on letting yourself trust and feel secure - but give them the information and the tools that can help them help you.

My boyfriend's crush has a crush on me

Hello! My bf is newly poly and he's made a new friend. He has developed a crush on her, but she's bi with a stronger preference to women (for personal reasons). I feel caught because she says she likes both of us, but likes me more. My bf asked to read her messages she sent to me and now he's upset because of her having a bigger crush on me.

First off, you're not obligated to let your boyfriend see something private, even if he asks you to. This woman didn't consent to have her private conversation with you shared with your boyfriend - next time, it's okay to tell your boyfriend "I'm not comfortable showing this to you, at least not until I get Ermanda's permission to share it." If he continues to push or pressure you, he's not being safe or respectful.

As for this current situation, it's okay that he's hurt by hearing that someone he has a crush on doesn't like him as much as he likes her - but that's not anyone's fault. There's a big difference between being upset about a situation, and being upset with someone. No one wronged him - you didn't 'steal' her affections from him, and she didn't choose to feel this way. He's not entitled to have his crush reciprocated (no one is). 

Now is a time for clear, open, and honest communication. Talk to her about this first - "hey, you said that you like both me and my boyfriend, but that you like me more. Can you tell me more about what that means? Do you want to date both of us, but with different boundaries and emotional expectations? Do you want to date just me? Or is this a situation that you'd prefer not to engage with in any sexual or romantic way?"

Then, talk to your boyfriend - lay out how things are and give him space to respond. If you say "Ermanda wants to date both of us, but she is feeling more explicitly sexually attracted to me, so she might be more physical with me than with you, because relationships and needs do differ between individuals," hey may say "I'm not okay with that." He's not obligated to accept the terms that someone else lays out - but he's also not entitled to set his own terms, like demanding that Ermanda behave or feel in a certain way. 

It may be that the healthiest thing for you three is for none of you to date, and to accept that sometimes, crushes can't be acted on because it's not going to work out. It may be that you two want to start seeing each other, which bums out your boyfriend because it's rough to see your partner date your crush, but he decides to work on acceptance because it's happy and healthy for the two of you. Whatever you decide, remember to keep the focus on agency, respect, and honest for everyone.

A handful of FAQ-answerable questions

My boyfriend and I are looking for someone into polyamory to add to our relationship.. But were having trouble finding anyone. Is there a secret to finding other poly people?? Please help :'(

You don't "add people to your relationship," that's not how it works - your trouble probably stems from the problematic framing there. Second, it takes a while to find people to date - be patient. Check my FAQ page for more on this.

Are we allowed to have convos with you about poly relationships? i'm super inexperienced and would like to have someone one on one to talk to.

Sadly, no - at this time I cannot do private or live conversations. You can read more about this policy and find more resources here. 

I've never had a polyam relationship, but I'm wondering if I'm polyam. I know you can't really tell 'til you try, so how exactly do you even start a polyamorous relationship??

Here's my FAQ page on how to tell you're polyamorous (note that most people don't assume that you have to try monogamy to know whether you're monogamous) and my FAQ page on finding polyamorous people to date!

My partner chose a monogamous relationship over staying with me

I was with this really amazing girl - the love of my life, and she and I are both poly. But her main wasn't. Her main said that she wasn't comfortable anymore with the fact her girlfriend was dating other people. I thought that maybe I would be chosen. That she could love me more. And we could live our lifestyle together. But no. They're getting married next month. I still love her so much. I want so much to be a part of her life. I could even deal with her partner not liking me. I just need her.

It's okay to grieve the end of this relationship, but there's nothing else to be done - I am sorry to be the one to tell you that. Sometimes this happens, not only to polyamorous people, but to monogamous people as well. A partner who you love chooses their work, or the freedom of singlehood, or another partner, or something else, over their relationship with you.

And it hurts. It really does. But you will survive. It feels like you 'need' her, but you don't 'need' her like you need air in your lungs or food in your belly, even if the loss of her does feel like drowning or starving. You will get through this. It's okay to mourn, to be angry, to feel hurt. Breakups suck. Loss is painful. 

Do whatever you need to do to feel okay: Consider seeing a therapist who specializes in grief at the end of relationships. Eat a bunch of ice cream. Join an online dating site. Go for a long bike ride. Have some drinks with your friends. Block your ex on all social media so you don't see any wedding nonsense. Pet a dog. Go camping. Write a letter to your ex and then burn it. You'll get through this, I promise.

My partner is going to marry his long-term girlfriend, and it bums me out

I just started my first poly relationship with this guy. When we first started talking he told me straight up that he was poly and that he planned on proposing to his girlfriend of two years. It didn't bother me because I was just looking for fun and not anything serious. It's been two months, and I'm not saying I'm in love with him, but I'm kinda sad that I wont get to marry him. He's literally the perfect person and I'm sad I didn't get to him first. What do I do?

Polyamory holds that "love is not a zero-sum game," meaning that if someone gets something, it does not mean that other people can't have that. Like, if I eat a cookie, then you don't get the cookie (zero-sum). But if I am listening to a song, you can also stand near me and hear the same song, and neither of us has a diminished experience of the song.

That's how polyamory works. Including polyamorous marriage and polyamorous weddings. So the framing of "who got to him first" doesn't make sense - he's a song, not a cookie. Who knows whether in two years, you two will feel ready to commit, to live together, to share lives, to blend families, and to hold a big lavish party celebrating that? 

Talk to your partner to get a feel for what engagement and marriage means for him and his other relationships - you're having fears and feelings based on your internal understanding of what relationships look like and what marriage means. You gotta get the real lay of the land rather than relying on your assumptions - that's why polyamory is all about open communication!

My partner violated my boundaries in a newly-open relationship

My partner and I have recently opened our relationship. Because I am currently prioritizing my mental health, I have asked only one thing: please do not let me see your relationships. Don't Ask Don't Tell is not my ideal scenario, but for the moment it is what I need. My partner agreed, but he continually pushes and even breaks that boundary. In one case, he said his new partner wanted to be publicly acknowledged, so he chose her comfort over mine. I feel violated and disregarded. My heart hurts.

You have the right to set the boundaries that you need, but other people aren't required to do everything you ask if they are unable to. In that case, it's their responsibility to say "I'm sorry, I can't meet that need/stay within that boundary" - it's pretty crappy to make a promise and then keep breaking it.

The issue here is that you asked your partner to abide by specific rules for opening the relationship, and he is not abiding by those rules. You can't force him to change his behavior - you can just decide how to respond.

You can say "I'm actually not comfortable having an open relationship now that we've tried it and learned that your way of practicing non-monogamy isn't compatible with my needs. We tried it, it's not working for me, and I am rescinding consent to open the relationship." If he 'refuses,' then the relationship is over - if you want to be monogamous, and he doesn't, then that's a serious impasse.

You can also decide that you're already done, if him pushing at your boundaries this way is a dealbreaker for you. (It would be for some people; it wouldn't be for other people.) You can say "You've demonstrated that you're willing to ignore, disrespect, or fudge boundaries with me, and that makes me feel uncomfortable dating you now that I know that." 

Or, you could try and dig down to the root of your need for DADT right now, and try to work something out with your partner that recognizes his need for relationships in the open while also helps you manage your mental health. Consider finding a poly-friendly therapist to talk to about this, and set some treatment goals. Sit down with your partner and talk about what needs, fears, and desires you're trying to address with your DADT request, and what needs, fears, and desires make this so hard for him. There might be a way to learn and heal and move through this to an arrangement that's healthy for everyone. But you're not obligated to do that work; it's always your right to leave a relationship that's just not working for you.