My partner and I want to open our relationship to women, but I also want to date a man

So I need help. I have a wonderful nesting partner that I love more than anything. We we're looking for our unicorn a female. But I really want to date other guys as well. I've been talking to a guy that I really like. Enough to date. But my primary partner doesn't want me dating guys. What should I do?

There’s a lot here. I’m going to encourage you to break down your language and look at what unspoken assumptions are being revealed by it.

“…that I love more than anything” Well, then why are you seeking another partner? I understand that this is a relatively standard way of expressing love and commitment in our monogamy-centric culture, but you may want to reconsider how you’re expressing this feeling in this context. If you’re experiencing your love as something that is not hierarchical or zero-sum, don’t express it as such.

“our unicorn” She is not “yours,” she is her own person, out there in the world, with a complete life that doesn’t involve waiting around to fit into your life. She is also not a “unicorn” - I know that this word is common in polyamorous communities and conversations, but it has a whole mess of connotations and significance. Consider shifting to think of what you want as a partner or a girlfriend, or just…a person, to date and connect with. Don’t think of people just in terms of the role you want them to play in your life.

“a female” This is a pet peeve of mine. “Female” should never be used as a noun to refer to human women or girls. Especially since later you use the term “guys” instead of “males.” Think about how your language may betray an objectification or dehumanization, even if you yourself are a woman, and consider interrogating that.

“my primary partner” First they were a “nesting partner,” now they are a “primary.” So I’m confused about how this search for a “unicorn” is going to work. If you start dating a woman, would your partner stay your “primary”? If you hope to date her together, do you plan to stay each other’s “primaries”? Do you intend to permanently and indefinitely center your existing relationship and treat a new partner as an add-on, dating you two as a unit, never equal? That’s not wise, healthy, or fair.

So, the first issue here is how you’re framing and understanding this search for a “unicorn,” who you think she will be, how you hope this relationship will work. Check here for more information about this.

Your actual question, which is about your partner not wanting you to date other guys, refers to what’s commonly called a “one penis policy” or a “one dick rule” in polyamory. It’s sexist, possessive, frequently transphobic, and generally unfair and unhealthy. It implies that your partner sees relationships between women as inherently less real and less threatening (which sets up major issues for your potential future unicorn, since he will see that relationship as always lesser), and it creates an imbalance where he’s allowed to date all genders he prefers (assuming he’s a straight man) but you’re not. OPPs rarely end well. Read more here.

You can try and talk him out of it, discussing and examining the assumptions behind it - here’s a place to start, and another - but that isn’t guaranteed to work. If he insists on this rule, you’ll need to decide whether you want to stay in a relationship with those parameters.

My partner and I are polyamorish, but not out to my family, and I don't know how to navigate certain conversations

I don't know how to respond to questions about monogamy when I'm still closeted to my family. I'm in a relationship with one person at the moment but we're polyamorish, and my partner and I communicate very well. But my family have asked what I'd do if he cheated and tell me that I shouldn't trust him when other women stay at his place. I don't know how to convince them without explaining the situation that I can trust him and that my definition of cheating isn't sleeping with someone else?

It may be the case that they suspect something is up with you two, and are trying to pry it out of you with these weird questions. You may want to consider, if it’s safe and you and your partner are on the same page, just coming out to your family and explaining everything at once instead of trying to navigate these individual interrogations.

But, you totally don’t have to. This is the kind of situation where polite vagueness, feigned confusion and a quick change of subject is key. If they ask you what you’d do if he cheated, you can say something like “oh, I don’t think about that much - but we are shopping for a new kitchen table, want to see what we’re looking at?” or “that’s a bridge I’ll cross if we come to it. How are things at work?”

You could also get a bit more aggro and say “I find it pretty awkward to discuss issues of sexual fidelity in my relationship with my family, but trust me, I feel pretty confident in Charmoor’s and my relationship. Can we talk about something else?” or ask them point-blank “Why do you bring that up? Do you have a question or concern about me?”

Ultimately, though, the issue of “I don’t know how to convince them” is a common one in families. There are no magic words we can say to convince people to understand something, and with families that is so much stickier. We all have an aunt who’s convinced her dog has a gender identity, or a cousin who’s in an MLM, or a grandfather who can’t stop asking us when we’re going to law school, and sometimes we just have to let people be out there in the world, unconvinced of entirely reasonable things despite our best efforts.

I'm dating a handful of people, and I want two of them to form a triad with me

I have four partners all of which are separate from each other meaning no group dates or anything but they know about each other. one is genderfluid like me, one is a cis man, one is a trans man, and one is a trans woman. they're all fine with me being polyam but they're all monogamous except the cis man. I find myself wanting to be with the cis man and the trans man in a "triad" I think it's called, I want the three of us to have a beautiful relationship. I don't know how to bring it up.

It’s pretty impossible to just “want” other people into a relationship. People don’t develop emotional, sexual, or romantic attraction to each other on command. It doesn’t work like that!

Your best bet is to start out by just introducing them to each other in a low-stakes, low-pressure way. Having your partners be comfortable and friendly with each other is a much easier ask than wanting them to date each other. Of course, there’s no guarantee that they will like each other. Sometimes people just don’t click, and that’s okay - you may really want them to, but they can’t force it and they’re not obligated to. Sometimes, civility and politeness without genuine friendship is all we can ask of metamours.

But there are things you can do to help make it more likely that they will get along. I discuss this here (and link other answers in the same vein).

I like someone, but language he's used in past interactions with me makes me uncomfortable

This question isn't specifically about polyamory, but my friend and I are both polyam. The thing is, I like him, and he likes me, but sometimes I'm uncomfortable with him expressing that he likes me because he is a lot more aggressively sexual than I am, and I get turned off by the types of words he has used to describe me in the past (like hot/sexy). I talked to him about it and he stopped, but it still feels awkward to me. How can I work past this and form a healthy relationship with him?

It’s such a ‘green flag’ that he stopped using those words when you told him how it made you feel! This person has demonstrated to you that he is safe - that when you express a feeling or a need, he takes it seriously and acts on it. That’s pretty cool. It’s not his fault for using those words before he knew that they made you uncomfortable, since it’s a pretty fair assumption that many people like being told that they are hot or sexy, especially if you two were already flirting or expressing attraction. He is starting to show you that you can trust him in the future to respect your boundaries.

That said, if that doesn’t convince your gut feelings, that’s okay. Not all feelings can be rationalized or re-framed away. If something deep inside you is saying “it’s not possible yet to ‘work past’ this,” you need to listen to that. You’ve had some experiences of this person calling you “hot” or “sexy,” so now when he shows you affection or expresses attraction to you, somewhere in the back of your mind, you remember that he sees you that way, and thinks those words apply to you. If that feels too painful to you, if that makes any of his attentions too uncomfortable, that’s okay. It’s frustrating and disappointing that you may not be able to “form a healthy relationship with him,” but sometimes our emotions can’t be overcome that simply.

You may also need to think about where this serious discomfort is coming from, especially since it’s preventing you from moving forward with relationships that you seem to otherwise want. Are there trauma memories associated with those words? Are there sexualized or gendered hurts in your past, or in your current life, that make them harder to get past? What else in your experiences and your sense of self is impacting this? Has your relationship with your body, your sexuality, or men been damaged by specific ideas or experiences? It may be worth working with a therapist, not with the goal of “become okay with being called hot/sexy” but with the goal of processing and healing these hurts so you can get to a more comfortable, confident place.

Is this desire of mine, to date an existing couple, polyamorous?

Hi so I have a question and I hope I'm not coming across as rude but is poly like two people in a relationship going off and finding separate people to be with or like the couple trying to find someone they both like together? Idk lately I've been think a lot about relationships and I think i would really like to be with two people who are already a couple? And it's not just a sex fling either for me I think I'm just interested in loving two people? It's hard to explain.

“Two people in a relationship going off and finding separate people to be with” is the most common form of polyamory, and is called V-shaped polyamory. That is the kind of polyamory I practice. Most people find it simpler and more sustainable. Sometimes, people in the V might all date each other, but the coupled relationships can remain distinct, or not, according to the desires and intentionality of the people involved.

“The couple trying to find someone they both like together” may be referring to ‘unicorn hunting,’ which can be done well, but almost never is. It brings up issues of ‘couple’s privilege’ and is not often sustainable or healthy. You can read more about that here. When three people all date in one interrelated relationship, it’s called a ‘triad.’ When multiple people are in a closed relationship with each other, this is called ‘polyfidelity.’ You can learn more about the different types of polyamory and different terms you’ll encounter on my FAQ page here.

If you are interested in dating two people who are already a couple, that makes you a “unicorn,” which, as the term implies, is pretty rare. You will absolutely have a “buyer’s market” in the dating pool - there are a LOT of couples looking for a “third” to date. You will need to be really careful about finding people who are seeking a triad in a healthy and appropriate way. I strongly recommend that you read through the stuff on my unicorn FAQ page linked above, and be on the lookout for red flags and dealbreakers. But wanting to be part of a polyamorous triad is not wrong, or bad, in itself; and you may very well find a lovely couple to join! Remember that once you start dating them, the three of you become one triad; it should never be [you] dating [them] as two units. (Unless that’s specifically something you want, in which case, you still need to be careful about making sure your individuality is respected and your needs are met!)

I want to try polyamory, but worry my depression is a barrier

I would like to explore a polyamorous relationship, however my biggest problem, besides my current partner being monogamous, is that I have depression. I'm not sure that I can be as emotionally available as might be needed in such a relationship as I already have trouble being more than just a husk half the time. I know this is more of a depression problem but if you have any advice I'd like to hear it, thanks.

It sounds like you know that a major issue is your depression - so you sort of have your work cut out for you, in the sense that the solution is treating your depression. If you’re not already seeing a therapist, start! If you are, start talking to them about this issue. Let the know that you feel like “just a husk,” and that you’re worried this is impacting your ability to be in healthy, fulfilling relationships. Ask about other treatments and therapies you can try. Depression can be tough to treat, but it is treatable, with some people finding relief from everything from lifestyle changes to CBT/DBT to TMS or ECT, and everything in between. Check my mental health resources for a starter!

In the meantime, you can continue polyamory-related self work, like reading about polyamory, working on identifying your own relationship needs and goals and desires, and building on your communication with your current partner.

I am pregnant and I know the people I'm dating will react poorly

I’m in a poly triad with a couple and I just found out I’m pregnant. I was told I was unable to have children and I was on birth control just in case. They made it clear to me that they didn’t want to have children with me, but also that abortion and adoption wouldn’t be an option. I don’t know what to do or how to tell them, and I’m terrified of their reaction. Things have been rocky for a while now and I’m wondering if I should just break up with them before they find out. I’m so lost.

First off, let me say that is such a painful, isolating place to be, and I am so sorry that you’re finding yourself there. Second, it is absolute nonsense that “they made it clear…that abortion and adoption wouldn’t be an option.” It’s your body and your pregnancy, they don’t get to determine what your “options” are. If you want to terminate the pregnancy, you can totally do that. If you want to carry the pregnancy to term and place the child for adoption, you can totally do that. Please check in with your local Planned Parenthood to talk about your options.

When you say that you are “terrified of their reaction,” I want to try and clarify whether you feel like you would be genuinely unsafe, or whether you are dreading an emotionally painful situation. If you fear that they would become physically violent, damage your property, threaten your livelihood, or otherwise be dangerous, please consider what steps you can take to keep yourself safe. Is there someone in your life you can stay with, or ask to be present when you collect your things or share the news? Is this a situation where police involvement would be appropriate? (Sometimes, police can help with issues around theft, stalking, violence, and unlawful eviction. Other times, they can escalate a situation further.)

If the “terror” you are feeling is more emotional - a worry that they will be emotionally unsafe, and attempt to guilt or manipulate you into unhealthy choices, or attempt to cause you psychological pain - then this is less of an emergency but still worth addressing. Letting them know in writing, or bringing a trusted friend into the conversation, or having it in a neutral and public place can help. Setting up an appointment with a therapist, preferably one who helps pregnant people think through their options and relationship implications, can really help. Remember to hold on to who you are and what your truth is; anything they say, anything they accuse you of, or insult you with, is just something they are choosing to say, it’s not something you need to absorb, believe, or engage with. Some people react unpleasantly to things they don’t like; that unpleasantness is not necessarily a threat to your safety and it can’t always be avoided.

It is within your rights to leave them without telling them about the pregnancy, but that’s also a complicated choice. If you worry that they might become dangerous if they do find out, you need to take steps to protect yourself. If you plan to carry the pregnancy to term and you decide to parent the child, know that if you ever require assistance from the state, they can force contact with the biological father by attempting to collect child support, and the biological father may legally seek visitation. If you decide to place the child for adoption, the biological father must be notified of adoption plans. Carrying the pregnancy to term may force you into more contact with this man, so if he is a genuine threat to your safety, livelihood or property, you’ll want to speak with a lawyer and perhaps other professionals about how you can protect yourself. Planned Parenthood will be able to help you find these resources; if you have health insurance or work for a larger company, they often have employee resources that can connect you to legal, financial, and medical professionals.

You deserve support throughout this situation, so please reach out to friends and loved ones who can provide helpful perspectives and back you up in this. The two people you are dating don’t sound like people you should keep dating, regardless, but you’ll need to think through whether your situation is one of “these people are dangerous and abusive and my priority should be protecting myself and minimizing contact” or rather one of “these people are emotionally challenging and my priority should be finding ways to manage this situation in a mature way while respecting my needs and truth.” Check my resources here.

Is cheating possible in a polyamorous relationship?

Is cheating only a thing monogamous people experience or does it happen in polyamory too? Does it mostly depend on if any boundaries are set or like the dynamic of the relationship?

Cheating can happen in any relationship, if you define cheating as “violating the established terms of the relationship.” You are correct that the more “boundaries” that are set, the higher the likelihood of “cheating” becomes. If someone decides that their partner is allowed to have sex with other people and that’s not cheating, but if they “catch feelings” or use specific words or have sex without getting permission first or do a specific sex act, then that counts as cheating, then they’re certainly at risk of being cheated on in that context.

Polyamory changes the definition and boundaries of “cheating,” for sure. Simply having a sexual-romantic relationship with someone else doesn’t necessarily meet the threshold for cheating, which can really simplify things. But every polyamorous individual might feel threatened by different things, so it’s important to be clear and honest about what you would consider “cheating.” One thing polyamory forces us to do is actually name and claim our individual needs - monogamy lets you rest on a lot of cultural assumptions about what is and isn’t ‘allowed’ within the bounds of a relationship. (It is possible to do this intentional work in a monogamous relationship, but more optional.)

Also, for a lot of polyamorous people, “cheating” is a useless concept, but “dealbreakers” and “violations” are more meaningful. There are certainly behaviors my partners could engage in that would lead me to immediately end the relationship and to consider them ‘unfaithful’ to me as a person and to our relationship: violence, lying, manipulation, cruelty, etc. All the connotations of ‘cheating’ - a violation of trust, a betrayal of the fundamental connection that forms the relationship, a requirement for immediate changes to the relationship - are definitely present, but it has nothing to do with a specific sexual-romantic behavior.

My partner goes to sex parties with his other partner, and it bothers me.

I never had a relationship before. Now I have a boyfriend for a year and we are on a non-monogamous relationship. He has another girlfriend. I don't get jealous very often, but they really like going to group sex parties. I never tried going to this kind of event, and I don't really feel like it, mostly because I think I am demisexual. But I always feel really bad when he talks about going to such parties. I tried talking about it with him, and he always asks what exactly bothers me about it. But I don't know how to answer. I just feel very bad and sad, and get mad with myself for feeling like that and not knowing WHY I feel this way.

I can’t figure out for you why this bothers you, but I can suggest some time alone to think about this, and journal about it if writing things down helps you. “Bad” and “sad” are pretty vague feelings - can you do more to identify how you feel? Left out? Confused? Disappointed? Jealous? Annoyed? The more precise words you can find, the more you’ll be able to understand and address those feelings.

On a personal note, I have a theory - I don’t know you, so I’m projecting and assuming a lot, but here goes. I am a horrible dancer, I don’t enjoy dancing, I have a learning disability that prevents me from understanding musical rhythm, I’m not very coordinated - I don’t dance. One of my partners is very musical and athletic, and he does like to dance. For a while, he was dating someone who was also a dancer. They’d go out dancing together, and through her he got connected to the dance community in our area and learned a lot and had a lot of cool experiences.

This bothered me a little bit! He was out there having experiences that I couldn’t share, with someone who offered him something I couldn’t. And it wasn’t exactly jealousy, because it wasn’t like I wanted to be out dancing with him. I certainly did not! I didn’t necessarily feel threatened by her, since we were very comfortably polyamorous and I didn’t think he’d leave me for her so he could pursue a 100% dance lifestyle or something. But I did feel…kinda bad…because feelings aren’t always simple and rational!

An important thing to note here is that thinking through it all didn’t turn off my icky feelings. Not all feelings can be completely rationalized away. What they did was help me choose how to respond or act on them. Not everything is totally comfortable. We are all capable of experiencing unpleasant feelings without dying. My boyfriend is not obligated to never ever do anything that causes me to have a feeling I don’t like. It may be that this just isn’t a thrillingly joyful thing for you, but just like going to work on Monday mornings, it’s something you can experience without it ruining your life.

So it’s possible that what bothers you about this is that it’s something you don’t see the appeal in, and can’t join in. It’s something he’s sharing with another person that you just can’t share with him. Shared experiences are the foundation of any relationship, so that can be a really tricky, difficult feeling. What I did with those feelings was mostly challenge and reframe them. What I like about polyamory is that my partners can seek out experiences that don’t require me; I would much rather him be out dancing with other people than pestering me to go dancing with him and being annoyed and resentful when my unwillingness robbed him of an experience. You would probably prefer him to go do these sex parties with someone else and then spend his time with you appreciating what you two do have in common, rather than being disappointed and bothering you about it. It also means that when I am into something that he isn’t, I’m free to pursue that experience with other people. It goes both ways, and I benefit from both!

It is possible that you just feel kinda icky about the whole thing in ways that you can’t entirely smooth over with self-work and re-framing. It is totally okay to ask your partner to keep the details of these parties to himself. If he wants to go out to a sex party with his other partner, he can let you know ahead of time that he has plans with them, and you can plan to spend the night doing something you enjoy. And when he gets back, he can find something to talk about besides the specifics of the party. He doesn’t have to hide or lie, but he could also be sensitive and discreet. That’s a completely reasonable balance for a couple to strike. You don’t have to set forth an entire psychosocial treatise on why it bothers you for your partner to agree to this, and if he demands that you explain or prove it completely, he’s not being healthy or fair.

My partner and I had a threesome, I felt horrible about it, and now I don't like being around his other partner

My boyfriend has another girlfriend. They are together for 1 year longer than me and him. I met her really early in our relationship, and I am mostly ok with her. But he really wants us to be close friends. And she wants it too. But I feel like I just... can't? I don't feel like we are even friends and you can't really make a friendship happen by force. We had sex, the three of us, and I had a very serious mental breakdown afterwards. I felt used and violated, jealous and guilty. They did not force me to do this, but I did it against my will because I wanted to please him. I wanted it to work with her. But now I am afraid of getting near her again. How do you make a relationship work if you can't be friends with your partner's partner?

There are two things going on here; I’ll address the easier one first.

Of course it’s fine if you don’t particularly want to be close with your partner’s partner! It’s okay for your boyfriend and his girlfriend to have a fantasy preference for everyone to be a cozy, friendly little polycule - but you aren’t obligated to meet those expectations. My partners sometimes date people I don’t really click with, and that’s totally fine. We just don’t hang out all three of us. If they are around, I’m polite, but I don’t need to spend all night at their hip, chatting it up like bffs. It’s disappointing when things don’t work out perfectly, but it’s also entirely survivable and fine. If your boyfriend keeps pressuring you to get closer to her, it’s okay to shrug that off and say “nothing against Merolda, I have no personal problems with her, but I’m just not interested in spending tons of time with her or trying to become close friends.” Then gently ask him to drop the issue.

The bigger issue here is why you don’t like being around her. It sounds like the threesome you had was pretty troubling for you, and you may even be having a trauma response to something your mind experienced as a sexual encounter “against your will.” It’s not her fault that being around her makes you feel afraid, but it’s also not fair to you to keep living with this fear. Please be honest with your boyfriend that you have a lot of painful and uncomfortable feelings around the threesome. They’re not his fault, but he can help you work through them. Take time to process that experience with yourself. What do you need in order to heal? What self-work do you need to do to prevent yourself from going along with the pressure of something like that again? Is there something your boyfriend needs to change to help you feel less pressured and more safe in this relationship? Don’t do this work with the goal of getting to be okay around her to make everyone happy - do this because you deserve healing, and because you can protect your future self from future problems like this.

I came out as polyamorous. Then my partner did too. I'm not okay with that.

I came out as polyamorous in 2017, but I had known I'm polyam for awhile without knowing the term for it. My partner of 3 yrs now wants to see if they're polyam even though they've never felt like they are, and they only said this after they conveyed to me that they had a problem with me seeing someone else. What I'm saying is that it doesn't seem genuine to me and seems more like a way to get back at me. I'm really uncomfortable with them trying to figure out if they're polyam, & idk what to do.

If your relationship is in a state that you believe your partner would be dishonest with you in order to “get back at you,” you should leave the relationship. Seriously. That is just not a healthy dynamic. At all. If I took a partner out to eat, and he hated the food, and then next week he insisted on going to a restaurant he knew I’d dislike, I would leave that person. Not over the restaurant, but over the pettiness and the manipulation.

But it’s possible that your partner isn’t the type who does underhanded things to “get back at you.” It’s possible that you’ve misread the situation entirely, and the way it “seems” to you is a reflection of your own fears and confusion, and not an observation of the reality. Most people don’t undertake entire explorations of identity and potentially new relationships as an underhanded way - it’s actually a lot of work to make your behaviors all about other people and to live with such ulterior motives.

It’s a lot more likely that your partner has been introduced to the concept of polyamory and is growing more curious. It’s not clear whether you’re actively practicing polyamory, or just ‘came out’ with the polyamorous identification; but it is clear that your partner said at the time that they didn’t want you dating someone else. Either way, your partner may think that exploring polyamory themselves is a way to strengthen or protect the relationship. They may be trying it out, seeing how okay they’d feel, testing it out. This may be their way of supporting you, of trying to help themselves feel less threatened by your polyamory by demonstrating to themselves that they can be polyamorous too and still like you and want to be with you.

Best thing you can do is ask them. Mention that they seemed not-okay with polyamory as a concept when you brought it up 2 years ago, and ask them what changed. You may be surprised! A lot has changed since 2017. Your partner may have been doing internal self-work to get to a new place. Or, your partner may feel that the relationship is threatened and that they needed to reassure you of their okay-ness with polyamory. There’s probably something going on for them that goes beyond ‘getting back at you.’ Give them a chance to talk that out, and to let go of the assumptions you’re making from a place of hurt.

And ask yourself where that hurt and discomfort is coming from. Why are you uncomfortable with them exploring polyamory? Didn’t you do exactly that? Wouldn’t their explorations make it more likely that you two can have a polyamorous relationship? What’s the downside? Is it that you don’t want them to date someone else? Why not? Is it that you were the one with the ‘special’ identity, and now they’re exploring polyamory too, and you’re no longer the sole voice on that topic? Part of being polyamorous is examining our own internal assumptions and confusions. You’ve jumped to a lot of conclusions about your partner’s motives because of something going on with you, not them.

And if, after all this, it really does seem like your partner is acting out of spite or vengeance or something, leave them immediately. But I’d bet half this blog’s ad revenue* that there’s something else going on.

*which is nothing, by the way. But I do have a Patreon.

I'm not sure whether certain feelings and desires mean I'm polyamorous, or just

How can I tell the difference between wanting a poly relationship or falling out of love with someone while falling in love with another person but not wanting to let the first one go? I want to be 100% sure if I do decided to every try polyamory and I would honestly love your advice.

It’s relatively common for people in monogamous relationships to use a new relationship as a way or a reason to leave a current relationship. (Taylor Swift documented this phenomenon the 2018 sociological study “Getaway Car.”) This, while common, is neither healthy nor wise. So you’re smart to be wary of that impulse in your own life.

Unfortunately, something that’s also not healthy or wise is waiting to be “100% sure” before you make any decision. Very few things in life come with 100% certainty, and usually things that have to do with love and human relationships have a lot of uncertainty. You can never truly predict how something will work out; you will never know for sure whether something is the right call. I like to believe that this is largely because in most situations there is no objective 'right call; your life and your universe will align around whatever choice you make and things will proceed from that point.

Check my page on figuring out whether you are polyamorous, and do a lot of daydreaming and thinking about your best-case-scenario and worst-case-scenario. What do you think, and hope, it would be like to date both people? What thoughts and feelings come up when you ask yourself whether you’re falling out of love with your current partner? What does “falling in love” or “falling out of love” mean to you?

Remember also that even if you were 100% sure that you wanted to polyamorously date both people, that wouldn’t guarantee that you could. You’d still need buy-in from two other people. If your current partner wasn’t okay with you polyamorously dating both people, would you stay in that relationship? If the other person didn’t want to date you, would you still be interested in polyamory in general, or are you mostly just wanting to date this other person?

My partner is interested in polyamory, but I am not - what does that mean for our future?

My partner mentioned potentially being polygamous but I don't feel comfortable with any third person. I want to support them but I'm too possessive to share. I haven't really told them how I feel about this yet though. How do I properly tell them and would that ruin the relationship? Is it necessary for a long term relationship to have multiple partners? Or is it more something they wouldn't mind either way? I'm uneducated and scared help.

First off, you’re going to have more luck with the term “polyamorous” than “polygamous” when it comes to Google searches and reaching out for support.

I have no idea whether telling your partner this information would “ruin the relationship,” because I’m not psychic and I don’t know your partner. If they want to be in a relationship where polyamory is at least an option on the table or where their partner is willing to entertain the possibility, and you tell them that it’s absolutely not, then they might act on that information and leave the relationship. You didn’t “ruin” anything, you just worked with your partner to figure out whether continuing the relationship is going to be the best call. If they were just vaguely curious about it, and happy to drop the issue permanently after hearing that you are not at all interested, then that’s another story. I can’t predict that with any accuracy.

Of course having multiple partners is not necessary for a long term relationship in general; lots of people have happy, healthy, long-term monogamous relationships. I’m sure you know a few! But the issue isn’t whether it’s necessary for everyone; the question is whether it’s necessary for your partner. If you are a person who can only see themselves in a long-term relationship with someone who would never consider polyamory, and your partner feels differently, this specific relationship might not be sustainable long-term. But that’s okay! That’s why relationships start out as short, so you can figure out whether you want to keep them going! You and your partner are doing everything right, by identifying your thoughts and feelings, then being honest with yourselves. The next step is to be honest with each other, then act on that honest information, not withhold it for fear of what it might mean.

I want to break up with my partner, but we live together and he has nowhere else to live

I’m a monogamous person who entered a polyamorous relationship thinking, mistakenly, I was polyamorous. My partner and I ended up moving in together. Now, I am miserable, and in constant crisis. I don’t want to be in this relationship or stay roommates after a breakup- but I am the sole breadwinner and asking him to leave would mean he would be homeless (he is disabled). I feel like I should find a mutual friend who would take him in before breaking up, is that ethical or heartless?

I am strongly of the opinion that if your partner is enough of an adult with personal agency to date, they are enough of an adult with personal agency to break up with. It is not your responsibility to find someone to “take him in” before breaking up. He’s not entitled to a relationship that comes with a live-in carer or financier. You should let him know that you want to break up and stop living together, and give him a reasonable amount of time to find his own living arrangements (that might be 30 days, 3 months, whatever is reasonable in your area and his life.)

But you need to hold to that timeline. Make it very clear that it is a hard deadline and non-negotiable. If you need help holding this boundary, enlist the help of a neutral third-party. If he chooses to bury his head in the sand and refuse to look for new roommates or explore other options, it’s not your job to do that for him. Many of us have situations that require us to find new living arrangements on a specific timeline, and most of us manage. If you want to help him with that, not out of a sense of ethical obligation but as a friend who cares about him, feel free; but it’s ultimately his responsibility, not yours. If he really is at risk of becoming homeless, he can connect with local services that help disabled adults or reach out to whoever he lived with before moving in with you.

You may also want to speak with a local lawyer about tenancy law in the area - hopefully it won’t come to that, but it’s good to know everyone’s rules and rights about asking someone to leave your home.

A question ostensibly about polyamory, but really about abuse

My bf & I are open. it was fine until he met someone online & bought plane tickets to see her a month later the same week. It caused some issues because it felt impulsive and I knew almost nothing until it was all planned. it took 3 weeks of me asking before he agreed to let me message hi to her & it was only after a fight where he got physical w/me & felt bad. I felt better after like saying hi to her. Before he left he said he wanted us to be mono when he comes back. Red flags? Or I’m not poly ready?

Let me break this down a bit:

1.) You wanted your partner to do something that he did not want to do
2.) You and your partner got into a fight where he got physical with you
3.) Because of his guilt around the physical abuse, he agreed to do the thing

This is not a healthy relationship dynamic and you need to leave this relationship immediately. Counting on the cycle of abuse to get things done or manage conflict is dangerous. Your problem is not with polyamory, your problem is with an abusive relationship. Check this page for resources that can help you leave safely.

The couple I'm dating got pregnant, and I'm not sure how I feel about this

The married couple I have been seeing for a 6 months is now pregnant and I (F) am struggling to adjust to the thought of this. I feel as though they just expect me to be okay with this and I’m not sure what to do or how to feel because I am not too excited about this.

So, there’s a fine line between “couple’s privilege” and recognizing that in general, newer relationships tend to just carry less weight than more established ones. This is true in monogamy as well. If I had been dating someone for 6 months, and I got a cool job offer out of state, I’d probably just tell them the news, be sad that the timing didn’t work out. But if I had been dating someone for 3 years and we lived together, then it would be a decision I’d talk with them about before applying, and discuss seriously with them what to do about the offer. It’s not about hierarchy or privilege, it’s just about how relationships tend to work.

If they’ve been planning on starting a family for a while, and also out there dating, it would have been prudent for them to share that information with you up front. It sounds like this information felt more abrupt to you, which is going to be painful and startling. It can feel rough when people bring you something like this from a position of “we’re informing you, not consulting you.” But that’s where they are right now - prioritizing their desire to have a baby over any preferences of yours. So now you have that information, and you can act on it.

Your next step would likely be to gather more information: do they hope that you will enthusiastically co-parent, forming a household of 3 parents who share childcare duties equally? Is that something you would want? Or are they planning to ‘cocoon’ a bit with the baby, expecting you to work around their new-parent needs and schedule, taking more of an auntie or family friend role? Is that something you would be okay with? Figure out what they’re offering, then figure out whether you’re willing and able to take that offer.

It might be that this new relationship just won’t survive this major lifestyle change, and that the timing of y’all meeting just didn’t line up with their family planning. Sometimes that happens, and it sucks. If you don’t want to date a couple with a new baby, and they want to have a new baby, then that’s that. Don’t try to fake feelings that you don’t have, or suppress feelings that you do. They have a right to set the terms of their lives; you have a right to participate at whatever level you’re comfortable with.

Can I get some help with a presentation I'm doing on polyamory?

I'm doing a presentation on healthy polyamorous relationships, as it's so hard to find good role models and information in the media. Would it be possible for you to take a look at my presentation.

I really can’t do one-off things like this; as cool as that sounds, if I start looking at people’s presentations and giving individual feedback, soon I’ll be reading everyone’s fics and giving private advice and it would be unmanageable. It’s precisely because I’d love to that I can’t let myself. I am, however, happy to do media requests, interviews, etc. (With some exceptions.)

However, comments are open over on the main site, so hopefully if you pop over there, you can find some readers willing to help you out!

I can see myself happy in a polyamorous or monogamous relationship; what does that mean?

I feel that, with the right communication and people, I could be happy in both a monogamous relationship and a polyamorous relationship. I haven’t heard of people like this before, is this valid or am I confused?

Friends. Readers. Comrades. We have to cool it with the “is this valid” nonsense. What does that mean? Does it mean “is this identity respected by the person I am talking to” or does it mean “is this experience a common thing that many people share” or does it mean “is what I’m doing hurtful or unhealthy to me or anyone else” - because those are all very different questions that I’ve all seen the term “valid” used as shorthand for. Does it apply to identities, or individuals, or behaviors, or choices? How is “validity” determined?

It doesn’t mean anything and it’s not a helpful concept because now we have all these people running around worried about whether or not they or their identities or their choices are “valid.” And why are y’all asking me? I’m not the Eternal Arbiter Of Validity. What would you do if I told you it wasn’t valid? Stop feeling that way? Ignore me?

Sweetheart. Letter writer. Friend. You are fine. Just because you haven’t heard of people feeling this way doesn’t mean it’s not common, and even if it wasn’t common, it wouldn’t make you wrong or confused, just unique. It is completely possible to be happy in more than one relationship configuration, depending on the circumstances or the people or the communication styles involved. I live in California but would probably be happy living in Colorado or Baltimore. I work as a writer but would also be happy working as a teacher. It’s okay not to have one rigid determiner of your identity in this, or any other, aspect of your life.

You can identify as polyamorish, monogamish, poly-mono, ambiamorous, polyflexible, or you could leave be any attempt at pinning this down and just move through life being you, and meeting the people you meet, and dating the people you date, and making wise and responsible choices, and you’ll end up in the relationship(s) that work(s) for you. Check out this lovely article at Poly.Land.

I want to date two men, but we think it would be best if we added a second woman to make it all work

My roommate and I both ended up developing strong feelings for each other but I do still love my husband. They both have agreed to try to find a female to add and expand our relationship so that we could all four be a couple together. They aren't bi so they only have sex with me and they would with the other female. Basically it would be a four-way couple emotionally but not sexually. How do we find someone?

I’m assuming that your roommate is a man, and you’re a woman. It sounds like you want to date your male roommate but stay married to your husband. Doing so does not require a fourth person to be involved, in any way. If your roommate is interested in being involved ‘emotionally but not sexually’ with your husband, he can have that close, positive metamour relationship without a fourth person.

It sounds like you three have determined that the only way you can be with your roommate is if you set up a “four-way couple” so everything is ‘even’ or ‘equal.’ But adding extra people to a situation just to mitigate other people’s emotional concerns doesn’t work, and it doesn’t make sense. You will not find someone to fill that role, for two reasons:

1.) Finding someone who is emotionally and sexually interested in all three people, and who is interested in joining an already established relationship situation, and is proximally and personally compatible with everything you have going on, is impossible. It’s just logistically, mathematically, socially, not a thing you’re going to be able to make happen.

2.) What you’re asking for is unfair and inappropriate as a relationship proposition. Essentially you want to use “a female” to balance the scales, realize a fantasy, and/or mitigate whatever fears or concerns you three have. You want to plug in the perfect thing to fill a very specific need - and that’s how we treat objects, not people. An individual person, with her own feelings, relationships, desires, needs, and interests, is not going to work like a folded up piece of cardboard wedged under a wobbly table leg to stabilize it.

You three need to figure out why you’re so committed to this “four way couple,” and do some emotional strategizing and problem-solving based on what you three can do and provide, without planning on a magical, unknown fourth person to show up and save the day. Some questions to guide the conversation:

Why wouldn’t V-shaped polyamory (where you date your husband and your roommate, and they are friendly but not dating each other) work? What problems are you trying to use another woman’s presence, sexuality, and emotional labor to solve? How can you solve those problems in another way?

How would you feel if your roommate or husband dated another woman, but she was not also dating you or the other man? How would you feel if you were approached by three people with a prescriptive offer for who you’d be having sex with and how everything would work? What would happen if it didn’t work out?

What kinds of narratives are you relying on to assume that this closed, four-way couple is the only way this could work? What kind of feelings or security are you expecting a four-way couple arrangement to provide? What led you to believe that arrangement would provide those? Could you get those from another arrangement?

Check here for more resources on people established relationships trying to ‘add’ partners.

Some quick FAQ-able questions

I'm writing a young adult novel centered around a romance that will eventually form a polyam triad or a V. I really want to do the polyamorous community justice in these characters, but I'm only just discovering polyamory for myself, and I'm worried I could create something unintentionally harmful. Could you give some advice on the best way to write polyamorous literature please? One of my characters is experienced in polyamory but single, and the others have no experience. Thank you so much

I answer a similar question here!

Hey whenever you get this could you follow me back please... Theres alot of different things I would like to talk about/need advice on because I'm new to a poly relationship...

I’m sorry, but I can’t. You can read more about my policy here.

How does one know if they're poly or not at heart, mind and soul?

Check my FAQ page on this here!