I recently moved and have connected socially with a polycule where I'm interested in some of the people - how do I navigate this?

I moved recently and have been lucky enough to connect with an amazing group of people, many of whom are poly. As someone who identifies as a relationship anarchist, I am really interested in pursuing a variety of relationships with several of these amazing people, but I also don't want to cause drama or upset existing relationships. In the past, I've pursued relationships pretty independently and usually with people who didn't really know each other prior to me, and I'm not sure how to navigate coming into an existing group like this. Should I try to pick one relationship to pursue first? Should I just give it time?

I’d say give it time! It’s rarely a bad idea to just let things happen organically and go with the flow. Give yourself enough room to get a really good sense for the dynamics of this existing polycule. Be open to flirting and blossoming friendships, and allow for natural opportunities for this kind of intimacy to come up. Once you have a clearer sense of things, open those conversations! Be friendly and honest, letting people know you’d be interested in pursuing a different type of intimacy, and checking in with them about context, existing dynamics, etc.

It can be hard to find the right balance between “too aggressive” and “too passive” when it comes to pursuing people you’re interested in but connected with socially. My strategy is to follow other people’s leads, work up the courage to make a move but wait a bit longer than I want to, and make it safe and comfortable to have honest conversations about what people are wanting and feeling. Best of luck!

A friend of mine approached my partner after I mentioned that we were opening our relationship, but I don't like how things have played out

My partner and I spoke about opening up our marriage about 12 months ago. I discussed it with friends at length, even jokingly querying if one of my friends would be interested in my partner. Skip forward 8 months or so and my friend approached my partner and told them they'd like to get to know them better. My partner then 'asked' for my permission - I said yes both because I think they're good for each other but also because saying no at that point would have been very damaging to all three relationships. I am intellectually fully on board with the idea of them forming a close physical (and emotional) relationship but didn't realize the emotional toll of being cut out of the conversation. I feel like my friend should have checked with me if anything had changed in the intervening 8 months prior to approaching my partner. There have been other issues which have created mistrust and I'm sad at the effect this is having on both my friendship and my relationship. Can you please offer advice if possible to help me move past the trust issues and the hurt.

I really don’t want to make it sound like I’m saying that your feelings are bad or wrong - feelings are never bad or wrong, they just are. So keep in mind that I am not trying to scold or shame, just add perspective and help re-frame things. Your friend did everything right in this situation, in my opinion. I always advise people to go straight to the person they’re interested in first, and let them handle the conversation with their other partners. Asking for someone’s permission to date someone else can be objectifying and denies their agency, and it’s generally not a healthy setup for polyamory. Your friend went to your partner, and then your partner came to you to check in - everyone here did the right thing.

You had previously told your friend that the relationship was open, and even mentioned the possibility of your friend seeing your partner. So you weren’t “cut out” of the conversation - you were part of it, from the start. Your friend was acting on the most recent, accurate information that they had: that you two were open, and that you were okay with them dating your partner. 8 months feels like a long time in the context of personal relationships, and they could have done one last check-in with you, but it wasn’t necessarily ‘wrong’ of them to skip that. As far as they knew, that conversation had already happened, and they didn’t have any reason to believe that the landscape had changed since that conversation with you. Then, your partner came right to you to check in - so you were never really cut out of the conversation. I know it feels that way, but sometimes lining up feelings against reality can help put them in perspective.

So, try not to take this personally or feel that anyone here is trying to disrespect or push you out. It’s frustrating and disappointing that things didn’t go down in exactly the sequence and timeline that you’d prefer, but when other people are involved, we often have to be flexible around things like that. Think through what would have changed, practically, if your friend had come to you first - would you still have given your blessing? If so, it’s best to try and let this go. Let time be a balm, remind yourself that you weren’t actually hurt or wronged, and work to keep from ruminating or acting on these hurt feelings.

But if there’s more here - if things had changed in those 8 months, or you think there’s more going on than you’ve described here, it’s worth talking to your partner about what happened. Whatever issues are causing mistrust, it’s okay to bring them up and address them. Focus on what can be done to make things work better in the future, rather than litigating the past. What could your partner and friend/new metamour do to help you feel more “in the loop”? What needs to be healed or worked on to address these existing trust issues? What could you do to be clearer with them about your position? What do they need from you to make sure they have the space and agency to work on their new relationship?

Remember that in all relationships, there are times where people are going to feel uncomfortable or not get everything they want - and that’s different than being harmed. Figure out how to identify where there’s discomfort that needs to be accepted vs. where there are boundaries that need to be drawn for actual health and safety of the relationships and individuals involved.

My partner is part of a DID system - does that make us polyam?

I have a boyfriend and he’s a system (he has DID) and so because of how many alters he has and because one of them is dating someone else we are in a polyamorous relationship, so is it ok with polyam people if I call myself polyam? I was also wondering if you had any tips as to how I can be a good partner because I kinda get jealous of having to share my boyfriend with other alters. I just want to be a good boyfriend.

Your first question is an easy one - yes, it is totally fine for you to identify as polyamorous! In general, the polyam community isn’t big on gatekeeping. As long as you’re not engaging in cheating or abuse and calling it polyamory, or otherwise hurting people and making us look bad, it’s a pretty big umbrella. You are welcome here! And if anyone makes you feel unwelcome, send them to me.

It’s important for the sake of DID representation to distinguish between your boyfriend and his alters and the body they share - if you and your boyfriend are monogamous, but his alters are dating other people, then you are navigating an interesting space, where parts of your relationship are monogamous and other parts are polyamorous. Emotionally and romantically, you and your partner may be monogamous - but you still deal with the logistical, scheduling challenges and physical/sexual safety concerns of your average polyamorous person. And that’s okay!

As for your second question, that’s a lot trickier! Jealousy is a tricky thing. So are trauma and mental illnesses. And so are relationships! Something to keep in mind is that when your boyfriend can’t be present to you - either because another alter is fronting, or because another alter wants to be physically somewhere (or with someone) else, or simply because your boyfriend needs to attend to the self-care and other work he needs to do to stay healthy as a system, he’s not doing it TO you or AT you. It’s not personal, and he’s not trying to take time away from you or signal that something else is more important than you.

Spend time learning about DID and dating within systems - there are a lot of resources out there, and I list some of them in this answer to a similar question. Remember that systems form as a survival mechanism during severe trauma, and try to cultivate gratitude for his alters, recognizing the important role they play in his and each other’s lives. (Gratitude is a great antidote to resentment.) Make sure you have hobbies, friendships, and other fulfilling things that you can invest time and energy in, so that when he can’t be present to you, you’re not stuck ruminating on jealousy and missing him.

And talk to your boyfriend about what he thinks makes a “good boyfriend” and what he needs from you! He may have opinions about identifying as polyamorous, and he may have a specific way he wants to think and talk about his body and his alters. Everyone is different! You two may be able to work out processes for scheduling and making sure you get the time and attention you need. He may have suggestions for communicating with his alters. If he’s working with a therapist, ask if he’d be okay letting you join a session or two to learn more about how to support him. Ultimately, he’s the best source for information on “what it means to be a good boyfriend to me” and “how I understand my relationships.”

Some general "getting started with polyamory" questions

My boyfriend and I have been in a committed relationship for over a year. We've both felt attraction towards others and were able to talk about it very openly and it all feels very safe. Recently, we kind of decided to open our relationship. It's all very new and we don't know much about polyamory, so we are looking for positive and diverse 'examples' of polyamorous relationships. Do you have tips on how to start our journey, and maybe movies with a realistic & positive portrayal of polyamory?

My FAQ page would be a great start - especially the main resources index & the polyam representation page!

I've been looking at your blog and I was wondering if I could get some advice? I believe that I am polyamorous and I have just started a poly relationship with two men. The one guy I have been in a relationship for 3 years now and the other just started. Everyone is good with it and is informed of the situation. I'm just not sure where to go from here? How do I maintain the relationship?

If everything is working well, just keep going in that direction! Keeping a happy, healthy polyamorous relationship takes the same maintenance skills as any other relationship: honest communication and mutual respect. Check the resources on my FAQ page for more.

I think I have a mutual crush on someone, but am having a hard time figuring out where he's at.

So I have a crush on a guy who I thought liked me back, but lately I've noticed that while he does encourage my feelings for him (cuddling and trying to get me to talk about how I feel) he never explicitly reciprocates, even when I try to get him to tell me if he likes me. I kinda feel like I'm being led on, but I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't know if he's misread my emotions or just doesn't express himself the same way I do. He dodges questions a lot.

It sounds like it’s just time to ask him directly. Sometimes it’s easier for people to discuss this kind of thing in person, other times it’s easier to have the conversation over text or email. It’s okay to mention the fact that he’s been ‘dodging’ your questions, and that you want to respect the fact that he may be interpreting and expressing things differently.

It’s time to get really clear: “I’m interested in you sexually and romantically. I’d like us to try dating, which would be different from our current friendship in [explain your specific desires]. Do you feel the same way?”

If he says yes, then great! Move the conversation toward what each of you want, need, and expect in terms of this new intimacy. If he says no, then you can explain that there are certain types of affection you’d prefer to back off on so you don’t feel led on, and be specific.

If he gives you any answer besides a clear yes or no, it’s okay to push a little bit. You can say “This ambiguity makes me feel confused and led on - you may not mean to or be aware, but you’re not really answering my question. Would you like to have a sexual/romantic relationship with me - which includes [specific feelings and behaviors]?

At that point, any further vagueness should be construed as a “no,” and you have the right to take whatever social and emotional distance you need to avoid being led on or confused.

I'm looking for rental housing for my polycule, but it's hard to get taken seriously

I’m part of a smol polycule that’s looking at moving in together. I’m mostly in charge of the search, and I’ve checked all the legal things, but I’m struggling to express the situation to letting agents and we’re often getting dismissed as 4 friends or 2 couples, rather than one household. Any advice?

It’s unclear to me whether “getting dismissed” means that the letting agents aren’t actually considering you as renters, or whether they’re just being rude and not recognizing the reality of your relationship.

In either case, it might be smart to go a big strategically closeted and present yourselves as 2 couples - this is a relatively common arrangement for renters and it shouldn’t entirely preclude you from finding a place. It hurts to have to fake it and be treated like someone you’re not, but this is a temporary situation - you just have to charm one landlord for long enough to get that lease, and then the whole charade is over.

However, I have also been in a similar situation and it can be harder to find a rental when you aren’t “one household” (landlords tend to think that’s a more stable configuration). What I did in this situation was to put together a little one page “renter’s resume” for each person or each ‘couple’ - formatted like a job-searching resume, listing previous places we’ve lived, contact info for former landlords, plus impressive stuff about us like our careers, the fact that we don’t have pets, etc. Basically, you want to make yourselves look like Super Upstanding Members of Society as much as possible. Bring those, plus a filled-out copy of a standard rental application and copies of whatever documents landlords in your area often ask for (pay statements, etc.) in a tidy package to each viewing.

It can take a bit more time and effort to find a rental as “2 couples” or “4 friends” - again, landlords do like to rent to “single households” as much as possible. I was once in a situation of looking for a place for 5 unrelated single young adults in the country’s toughest rental market, and I know how much it sucks! What I did was set up accounts on every rental listing website and track specific tags or check for new listings every morning. Then I made a spreadsheet of listings that worked out based on price, location, amenities, etc. I had a standard greeting/interest email I kept a draft of, then pasted it in with specific details when I reached out to agents via those listings. (If you can, find a phone number or agent email - sending messages through the rental listing websites is like shouting into a void.) I used the spreadsheet to keep track of who I’d called and emailed, and when. Essentially, I just treated it like a work project.

Put it out there to your support network that you’re looking, and check Facebook (and other websites) for groups local to your area where people list available housing - making a personal connection can often work out better than cold-contacting agents. Some areas even have LGBTQ+ friendly rental listing groups or pages, which might be a good place to look.

Remember that you only have to find one place! I probably reached out to 50 listings. I’d say about 25 never got back to me, and of the remaining 25, about 15 dismissed me off the bat for not being a single household. That left 10 places to go tour. 5 of them kind of sucked, 3 of them we didn’t get approved for, but then 2 of them we did get approved for, and we moved in to a really lovely place! It took tons of work but it was totally worth it for a few years in a great house that met our needs. Finding a rental just sucks, period. Try not to get discouraged or take it personally. Best of luck!

I recently started seeing someone, and we're talking about the future, but she's about to leave for a year

Started seeing a friend unexpectedly, 1000 miles away. She had her 1st real romantic/sexual experience with me. My wife & I are trying for a baby, and my gf is stoked to co-parent, but wants to go overseas a year. I'm crazy for her. Is 5 months too early for a 'commitment ring'? Wife & I were engaged a month in but I’d known her for 8 years.

I tend to be a very aggressive control freak in all aspects of my life, and I especially like to try and control the future. But while I’m great to go camping with, all the planning, prepping, scheduling, worrying, and fussing won’t work to make a relationship with another person go a certain way. I use a specific metaphor to help me be more chilled out about relationships, loosely cribbed from Taoist philosophy:

Imagine you’re floating in a river. The river has a flow to it, and you could allow yourself to float along with the river. Within that, you have choices - whether to swim alongside the current, or just float; whether to hold onto floating branches or stay free; whether to hang out in the deep center or closer to the shallows. You can control your choices while you’re in the river, but you can’t control the flow of the river.

If you decide you don’t want to go where the river is taking you, you can grab hold of a rock and stay in one place. But the river is going to keep flowing around you and pulling at you. You can try to swim backwards against the current. But the river is never going to give in and take you the other direction. The river is reality, flowing all around you, taking its own way, and your energy is much better spent finding ways to participate in what the river is doing - to “go with the flow,” as it were - than to ignore or resist the river.

That’s what relationships, especially in the early stages, are like. You have to let them go with their own flow. You can’t pre-emptively ensure that certain things happen or gird the future against certain outcomes. It sounds like in this situation, there’s a lot of “flow” that you need to float along with. It’s possible that while she’s experiencing her travels, and you’re dealing with a newborn, things will naturally fizzle out while everyone focuses on their imminent priorities. It’s possible that things deepen between you two and after her year abroad, the three of you decide to move in together and see how that goes. It’s possible that she remains a long-distance connection, with intimacy and commitment but less of an intention to share daily life.

You have to kind of trust that if everyone acts in good faith, whatever happens is what needed to happen. It will cause a lot of pain to try and force things along a specific path or cling to a future that hasn’t manifested yet. The best thing to do is keep things really open, both in terms of “open to different possible futures” and “open and honest communication.” Ask her if she would appreciate a piece of jewelry she can wear during the long distance relationship to symbolize your connection, and leave space for her to be unsure or uncomfortable. And remember that the presence of that item doesn’t guarantee a certain outcome. Everyone here is in a transition state, and there’s a lot of uncertainty - try to respond to that with open acceptance and curiosity rather than a focused plan to nail things down.

I love my partners in different ways - is that okay?

Can you love your partners in different ways? For one person, I feel red, it's deep, intense, passionate. For the other, I feel pink, it's giddy, sweet, delightful. I don't feel as though one is lesser than the other. I'm not dating either one of these individuals but I am "involved" with both them, (and completely open and honest about it with both parties). I'm in love with both of these people and I don't know if this means I'm poly or if I'm in some gross love triangle. How do I know?

If everyone is happy and healthy, then there is nothing “gross” about this. If everyone involved is okay with the arrangement, if everyone is getting all of what they need and most of what they want, then you’re fine. That’s how you’ll know - by checking in and making sure things are okay, and keeping those lines of communication open. That’s it! I know it feels kind of tautological, but if it’s working, it’s working. There’s no standard of healthy relationships you have to measure yours against to make sure.

And to answer your other question - of course people love their partners in different ways! That’s incredibly common and normal and just a part of human experience not limited to polyamory or sexual/romantic love. Take friendships, for instance! There are some people I can just sit on my couch with and chat for hours; there are some people who are the life of the party and keep me cracking up but are less likely to have that cozy intimate evening with me; there are some people who are insightful or funny in group chats but probably won’t ever be my bff. And that’s okay! All relationships are different and it’s wonderful that you have some language and metaphors to help you honor and cultivate them on their own terms. Here is a lovely video readaloud of a book called Love You The Purplest that uses similar imagery to talk about a mother’s different loves for her two sons.

The only time it would be an issue is if one of your partners feels left out or slighted by the differences. If you’re always planning exciting new adventures with one person, or leaving cutesy romantic notes around for one person, but the other person doesn’t inspire that kind of energy in you, the person who isn’t getting that kind of affection may not be okay with that arrangement. Or, they may be totally fine with it, because you two relate to each other in different ways that work for you two! Don’t make assumptions or fall into vague anxiety - some people really don’t care about cutesy notes, and you don’t have to have completely identical relationships with everyone in your life. Just check in and make sure everyone’s happy and healthy, and then keep doing you!

If I'm not "in love" with multiple people, is that still polyamory?

I know it may sound like a silly question,but do you have to be IN LOVE with more people at the same time to be polyamorous or you can be even if you just LIKE more people at the same time and feel that there is space for them in your heart?

Of course! If you are romantically or sexually interested in multiple people, or see the potential for that kind of relationship with multiple people, that falls squarely under the “polyamorous” umbrella. Just like all other relationship orientations, polyamory allows for the whole spectrum of crushes, flings, flirting, early dating, etc. If a monogamous straight woman has a crush on a guy, or thinks she might like to date him, or is casually dating him but not in love yet - she’s still straight and monogamous! Her straightness and monogamy encompass all of those feelings about men, not just “love.”

Often, polyamorous people use language like “love” because it does a better job of “validating” our relationships to a wider society. Making polyamory about “love” reassures people that our relationships are non-threatening and pro-social. It’s similar to the way that early gay marriage advocates focused on “just like you” images of lifetime commitment, desire for homeownership and parenthood, etc. It’s gross and unfair that some people have to fake a status-quo-upholding facade to be respected, but it’s a very common pattern with people whose relationships face scrutiny and judgment.

But by framing polyamory as about “love,” we do ourselves a disservice by neglecting to include the whole reality of our experiences. Love and life partnership are part of polyamory, sure, but there’s also dating, and sex, and plenty of other stuff! We should make sure to recognize and honor all of this within ourselves and our community, even if sometimes we have to sanitize the image or perform a fairytale version for the external world.

I have a crush on someone, but am not sure we're compatible in certain ways

I kind of have a mutual crush on this other guy, but I wouldn't feel comfortable dating him because our relationship is so different from what I have with my other partners. They're all submissive (me being a top is a thing I've just recently come to accept and identify with) and this guy is very dominant and aggressive. I enjoy rough-housing and getting thrown around by him, and I enjoy his softer touches and hugs, but I want to resist the temptation to kiss him. What is this?

It is possible to be romantically compatible with someone, but not sexually compatible - and vice versa. Our culture likes to tell us that certain feelings, like physical attraction, sexual desire, and romantic intimacy, should all collapse into the same thing. But that doesn’t capture the true complexity of human interaction!

If you want, you can keep things at a “flirty friendship,” if that’s what works best for you two! But you could also consider whether you’re holding yourself back for reasons that aren’t totally solid. You say you wouldn’t feel comfortable dating him because the dynamic between you two is so different than you’re used to. But then you go on to say that you do enjoy that dynamic! If you feel tempted to kiss him, there is something there that you want, and you don’t have to resist it just because a relationship with him might be a new experience or challenge existing assumptions about your identity.

If I were you, I’d talk to him about all this! Tell him what you enjoy about being with him, and what makes you nervous. You two could try getting more physically intimate with the caveat that you won’t try anything that feels too submissive or dominant on either person’s part. You could let yourself kiss him and see where that goes!

If he’s interested, he might be a good sounding board to talk about your developing identity as a top, and what might feel confusing or threatening in that context. Remember that just because you enjoy this person’s dominant energies doesn’t mean your “toppiness” isn’t real - lots of people are “switches,” and/or you could be drawn to him because his dominant ‘style’ is one you’d like to emulate. I’d recommend The Topping Book as a way to keep understanding that part of your identity and sexuality.

But if you really don’t feel comfortable trying any of that, it’s okay to let this be an impossible crush; or some attraction to someone that you don’t actually want to follow through on. That’s okay, and totally normal! Lots of people feel things that we don’t necessarily want to act on, or fantasize about things we would balk at making real. Keep working toward understanding your own desires, and building a foundation of security in your identity!

I'm in a polyamorous situation, but it's not comfortable for me - should I stay?

Should I be in a poly relationship if I'm personally not too comfortable with it? I'm a lesbian woman, and my partner is lesbian/homoflexible and has a boyfriend. I'm still fairly new to relationships and my last serious one was abusive and with a male. I feel bad but sometimes it makes me feel a little weird. I don't know how much longer I can hold up seeming okay with it. Is there something I can do to not feel like this?

In general, I never advise people to stay in any situation that makes them feel “not too comfortable,” “bad,” “a little weird,” and like they “don’t know how much longer [they] can hold up seeming okay.” Whether that’s a job, a class, a sweater, a housing situation, a relationship, a space mission - if those are the conditions you’re living under, you need to start taking steps to get out of them.

When it comes to “something you can do to not feel like this,” the answer is pretty complicated. On the one hand, there is sometimes some self-work or therapy a person can do to work on feeling secure, identifying their needs, healing from past trauma, and things like that. On the other hand, there is no “polyamorous conversion therapy” (nor should there be!!!) and no person is ever obligated to try and change or contort themselves into being comfortable in a situation that is not good for them.

Usually on this blog I try to recommend self-work and re-framing if I think it’s appropriate, but in this case, I don’t think you should try and force yourself to ignore or suppress your discomfort. I do think you deserve therapy and healing, because abuse can really wound a person and the presence of men in relationships proximal to you shouldn’t feel so unsafe - but this relationship is probably not a healthy one for you right now. And the goal of that healing should be so you can live a happier life; not to make sure everyone else can have everything they want.

My ex boyfriend wants to get back together but only on his very specific terms

So my ex boyfriend identifies as poly. I don't. He said we could be together if we opened up the relationship but I would like to do couples therapy so our relationship can feel more secure & stable before opening it up since I am insecure. He just let me know he would "flip out" if I had another male partner. He says he wouldn't be able to handle it. So he doesn't think this would work. Am I doing something wrong?

You are not doing something wrong. You say he’s your ex-boyfriend and my advice to you is to keep things that way!

For one, exes are generally exes for a reason. For another, he’s told you that he will only get back together with you under certain relationship conditions that don’t align with your identity and make you feel insecure. For a third, he’s trying to establish a “one penis policy” (or “one dick rule”), and those are gross and bad for everyone involved. For a fourth, he’s already threatened to “flip out” and said “wouldn’t be able to handle” an open relationship where you can date as freely as he can.

Let me repeat: YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG. This guy is trying to manipulate you by making you think you’re somehow in the wrong for not wanting to be in a relationship with him. Even though he has explicitly admitted that he “doesn’t think this would work.” He is not entitled to a relationship with you, under his own terms or under any terms! You are not obligated to try and twist yourself into a concession pretzel so he can get what he wants from you! Leave him firmly in the “ex” category, lose his number, and find someone who can actually have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with you.

I've been "taking it slow" with someone, and just realized we might not have the same communication expectations

So I've had a crush for a while, we're both poly and aware of each others feelings and are taking it slow not official yet. My issue is that they got a partner a week ago and didn't tell me about it. I know I'm probably not entitled to know this, but is it bad that I'm upset about it? I mean we can have other partners but I thought it was like, idk, just a good thing to bring it up? Like they know I've been in a long term relationship for almost three years.

This is a perfect opportunity to have a conversation with your crush about expectations and clarity! It sounds like you assumed that you two were intimate enough that it was reasonable to expect that they would bring up something like dating a new person - but you got evidence that they’re not operating on the same set of assumptions. Neither of you did anything wrong, you’re just in an ambiguous situation and that’s caused a mismatch of expectations.

But now you have something to bring up to them to actively reduce that ambiguity and clarify those expectations. You can say something like “I’m so happy for you to be in a new relationship - but I have to admit I was kind of surprised to hear about it, because you never mentioned that you were heading in that direction with someone else! It’s not that I think you’re obligated to tell me everything, and I’m not angry - but we’ve been talking about our feelings for each other, and even though we’re “taking it slow,” I thought we were in a place of working out what a relationship might look like - and I guess I just assumed that conversations about other relationships would be part of that! I’m realizing now that I can’t just assume we’re on the same page, so I’d like to talk to you about your expectations, and how you define this thing we’re doing together.”

It’s not an accusation; you’re not saying they did anything wrong or asking for an apology. You’re just realizing there’s something that has gone un-addressed and probably should be addressed! It’s like, if I’m going on a trip, I always pack a bathing suit because I figure most hotels have pools, and if there is an opportunity to go swimming, I want to be able to swim! But say I’m planning travel with a friend, and I don’t think to tell them “Oh yeah, I try to include swimming in any vacation if possible.” And they come over and see me packing for the trip, and they see a swimsuit, and they say “Hold on, do I need a swimsuit for this trip? Are we only considering hotels with pools? Are we trying to include a beach day in the itinerary? Should I also bring a towel and sunscreen?” These are all valid questions and probably something to discuss before a trip - but it’s not a huge moral failing that I didn’t bring it up; they just noticed my swimsuit and it occurred to us to clarify what page everyone is on regarding this aspect of the trip.

What's the best communications tech for polyamorous people?

Hello! What messaging app do you use to keep in contact with your loves? Right now we're just sending texts and it's not efficient! Please and thanks!

That’s going to really depend on the specific needs of the people using it! For me, the critical aspects of a messaging app are that it 1.) transfers seamlessly from computer to mobile 2.) can be open at work without looking immediately suspect and 3.) allows for one on one and group chats. Also, given that the personality traits I’m attracted to tend to come clustered with a certain type of absent-mindedness, I really like when an app gives me “read” notifications (and I insist that my partners keep them turned on for me.) So for a while, Google Hangouts was my go-to, and it continues to be my primary messaging app for one-on-one chats with my people.

Then, I created a Slack for my entire social crew, which I absolutely love for all its features. You can customize notifications, make multiple channels, create threads in-chat, and put gifs. All my partners as well as all my friends are there, so that’s become a primary way for us all to talk. I know a lot of people use Discord in similar ways; but since my workplace uses Slack and not Discord, it’s less anxiety-inducing to have a personal Slack open at work. (Also, Discord doesn’t allow threads, which is a feature I really like.)

Since Google Hangouts is connected to my Google account and since I have my Google Hangouts and my Slack open on my work computer (and all other devices), I don’t have ‘private’ conversations in those apps, so when my partners and I want to talk about something more adult, we use Signal, which I only have on my phone, isn’t connected to any other accounts and devices, and is tucked away deep in a hidden folder (I work with kids). I also use Kik for similar reasons. (It’s annoying that I can’t use them on a laptop, since typing on mobile tires my fingers out much faster, but such is the life I lead.)

But that’s just me! It’s most important to find the system that works for you and your partners. When you say that texting is “not efficient,” I’m not entirely sure what you mean - you’ll need to identify what kind of “efficiency” features you’d like, and then find an app that meets those needs. If the issue is that “planning who’s getting together when” is being overwhelmed by social chatter, you might want something with threading. If the issue is that everyone is in a separate text and it takes a lot of work to cross-check and distribute what everyone is saying, you’ll want something that’s better for group comms. If the issue is that one of your partners never checks their texts and has a zillion unread notifications, you’ll want something with more customizable notifications. And so on.

It’s aggravating that in this modern world, we can’t just talk to each other across platforms; and that we need to figure out whether to use Facebook Messenger vs Google Hangouts vs SMS vs Kik vs Signal vs Slack vs Discord - but once you find a system that works for your crew, it’s pretty awesome.

My fiance is only okay with polyamory under conditions I think are poorly thought out - but he won't listen to my perspective

I'm poly and my fiance isn't. He's okay with us finding another partner, but he's going straight into unicorn hunting. Only girls, and they have to be bi and into both of us. I've told him that setting up criteria for any new partner before you meet them isn't the way to go because you're expecting shit out of someone you haven't even met. And when you do find someone, that'll blow up if you still try to hold them to that criteria. But he won't listen and I need some advice.

Hey, do you wanna be a guest writer for this blog? What a succinct breakdown of the problems with unicorn hunting! Unfortunately, as well as you explain something, it’s never a guarantee that the person you’re talking to will grasp the concepts you’re trying to beam into their head with your words.

You could try linking your fiance to some other reading about unicorn hunting and seeing if that helps. But if he “won’t listen,” I’m not sure if he would read, either. I think the thing now is to change the flow of information here: instead of you trying to convince him of something, put the impetus on him to explain where he’s coming from. Why does he want these specific things, and what does he think they will provide, or protect him from? Talk through why he feels so insistent on “only girls,” and “into both of you” - he may actually be uncomfortable with opening the relationship and be using these rigid boundaries to try and protect himself from difficult feelings, rather than acknowledging them and working through them. Once those fears are named, they might be able to be addressed with things other than “unicorn hunting.”

He might see the challenges you’ve laid out as a feature, not a bug - if he lays down so many criteria that this third person is impossible to find, he gets ‘credit’ for opening the relationship without having to ever be in an actual open relationship with a third party involved. If he feels like he wouldn’t be able to try non-monogamy in a healthy and happy way, he should be honest with you and say “either this is just not going to work for me, and we need to figure out whether that’s a dealbreaker for you; or I’d need to do a lot more self-work on jealousy, security, sexuality, etc. before we can try this out.”

Honestly, I would think long and hard about marrying anyone who I could describe as “won’t listen” in any circumstance. Even on something silly - if there’s a restaurant I don’t like, and my partner “won’t listen” when I try to explain what I don’t like about the food, that’s still not okay, and it reflects an underlying lack of respect or communication skills that is not something I need in a relationship. Of course he’s not obligated to agree with you on everything, and this is a situation where he is very much has the right to say “I don’t feel as comfortable as you with the polyamorous arrangement you’re suggesting,” but “willingness to listen” is very different. Whether or not you two decide to go forward with non-monogamy, think about whether he has a pattern of refusing to see your perspective on something, and what his inability to hear you out means for your future together.

I'm friends with a polyam couple who won't stop pursuing me, even though I don't want to date them

My friends are poly and want me involved. They weren't poly when I met them, it was a complete 180 flip of opinion overnight. Now they're obsessed with finding a unicorn. First, they wanted to date me, but when I hesitated, for multiple reasons, but the biggest, I don't want to lose my friends and I myself am not poly. When I said no to dating, 180 flip, now it's all about sex. They hint at it so much, it's uncomfortable being with them, my friends feel like a creep who can't take a hint. Help

You say these people are your friends, but you describe them as making you uncomfortable, being creepy, and acting obsessive. They are not your friends! You don’t have to tolerate this kind of predatory behavior. This isn’t really about polyamory - no one, of any gender or sexual identity or relational orientation, likes to be around someone who can’t take no for an answer and keeps pushing for more intimacy than the other person is comfortable with.

I do want to make sure, though, that you’ve given them a firm, clear, “no.” You say that you “hesitated” and that they “can’t take a hint.” If I were to give them a huge benefit of the doubt, it’s possible that they don’t know you feel creeped out and consider the matter closed. Some people think that a “push-pull, cat-and-mouse, you-must-seduce-me” type dynamic is flirty, and they could be (willfully or otherwise) misunderstanding your attitude about this. If you want to give them one last chance, you could say something incredibly direct: “I don’t want to have a romantic or sexual relationship with either of you, ever, period. I’d like to stay friends, but if you two can’t drop this pursuit immediately, I won’t be able to. Please don’t bring this up again - it’s making me very uncomfortable.”

But if you’ve a.) already done that, and they’ve ignored you or b.) you don’t want to, then your best bet is to just walk away. You don’t need to stay friends with people who are acting like self-caricatures of the obnoxious polyam couple chasing their third like wolves stalking prey. Those folk give polyamory a bad name, they’re completely unpleasant, and they’re as bad as the “nice guy” who hovers around women, whines about the “friendzone,” and pursues unrequited interests in deeply inappropriate ways. Adding the label “polyam” to it doesn’t make it any less out of line, gross, or uncalled for.

I have Dependent Personality Disorder, which makes new crushes really difficult

I'm not sure how to navigate being polyam with dependent personality disorder- I’m clingy and I get depressed when my crush flirts with others even though they're also poly. It isn't a problem with my current partner because we live together and I know they love me regardless of potential partners. It’s a me problem that I shouldn't reflect on my crush. Its just...complicated and I'm not quite sure how to subside these depressed and clingy feelings when they don't message back or flirt.

Personality disorders are tricky beasts, and if you have one, you should absolutely be working with a therapist to manage your symptoms and work towards an awesome quality of life for yourself. You deserve it! If you’re currently working with a therapist, please talk to them about this; if you’re not, please reach out for professional help. You can see my resources here.

Second, remember that when you have a mental illness, it can be easy to ‘pathologize’ everything, even when it’s part of the normal spectrum of human experience. On the one hand, I never want to downplay someone’s suffering - if someone has serious anxiety, it’s horrible to say “everyone gets worried sometimes!” But it’s important to note that nearly everyone I know experiences some stress, infatuation, excessive thoughts, sadness, clinginess, and all that fun cocktail of feelings when they are in the throes of a new crush. Butterflies when they text you; despair when they don’t; unnecessary time spent scrolling their Instagram; fussing and analyzing - some of this is just part of having a crush. Let go of the expectation for yourself that you can, or that you must, fully eliminate all these feelings if you are ever going to manage your dependent personality disorder.

The key issue is to make sure that these emotions aren’t damaging to your well being or your ability to live a full life. If they feel debilitating, if they’re distracting from joyful experiences in your life, if you find yourself obsessively checking your phone every thirty seconds or unable to enjoy the rest of the day after a text gone unanswered, that’s a problem. But there are some strategies to help manage them! NOTE: I am not a mental health professional or an expert in personality disorders, so these suggestions are not meant to be a treatment plan, just some brainstorming to hopefully help you springboard your own strategies.

• Come up with some “distractions” - caring for a pet, making something artsy, watching a favorite YouTube channels, etc. - that you can use to get out of a painful thought-loop

• Write down a list of how your current relationship makes you feel, and all the tools and strategies you used to get there. Honor the work you’ve already done to be well!

• Find some self-help workbooks on DPD and work on one when you’re feeling stuck in those feelings

• Read stories about other people’s experiences with NRE, crushes, and similar experiences

• Develop a self-soothing mantra like “My relationships are secure” or “I will be okay without their attention” and meditate on it, bead it on a bracelet, paint it on a stone, etc.

• Think through the worst thing that could happen if you don’t get that person’s attention, and whether you can survive that. Remember previous times when someone didn’t reciprocate your flirting or return your texts, and know that you managed then!

• Channel some of this energy into your current relationship - plan a nice date with your partner, make something nice for them, do a household chore they dislike, etc.

I'm dating someone who's polyamorous, and not really sure how things work with his existing relationship

I’m seeing this guy, we’ll call him Ace. He is living with someone, we’ll call them Queen. I am new to polyamory but I respect his partner and their relationship, though I think she’s his primary (idk though). She doesn’t want roommates, plus they read each other’s texts. Idk how to ask Ace the “rules” of their poly relationship or what to call ours. I have fallen deeply for him, but I’m lonely because he’s always busy & with her. But we are very passionate and I think he likes me. What do I do?

The good news is that the answer to this question is very simple. The bad news is that it’s very simple. You say you “don’t know how you ask,” but that’s exactly what you need to do. All your problems stem from not having clear, open conversations with Ace about how he manages his polyamory and his relationship with Queen, and how that impacts you. The next time you two are together, or over text if that’s easier for you, you’ll just need to bring up the subject.

You can say something like “So, we’ve been seeing each other for a bit now, and I’m realizing that I still don’t fully understand the terms of what we’re doing here. I’d feel a lot more secure, and I think I’d be able to respect and navigate your boundaries better, if we could talk it out. Can you tell me how you and Queen understand your polyamory? Is she your primary, and if so, what does that mean to you? How do you see our relationship, and how does it relate to what you and Queen have?”

If this guy is healthy and skilled in polyamory, he’ll be thrilled to have an opportunity to explain and discuss this! Don’t ever feel like you should just accept ambiguity - always speak up and ask for clarification. If he says something that you want to follow up on, keep asking questions! If he tries to shut down the conversation, gets defensive, or insists on hand-waving vagueness, he’s probably not good to be dating.

And once you get more information, you’ll be able to determine whether this is a relationship you want to stay in long-term. If he tells you that the way things are with him and Queen means that you’ll never get the commitment or attention you want, then that’s good information for you to act on. But the conversation should definitely include you explaining how you feel and what you’d like to be getting from the relationship, so he can be honest about whether he can provide that.

I've fallen into a polyamorous arrangement with two people, and it feels like this should be weird, but it's not!

Hi, I'm a 24 y/o lesbian who has over the past few months kind of accidentally gotten very close to a married woman (37) but the way we met was very specific (sex work, I'm a masseuse who does hand jobs, no delicate way to put that) and though they hadn't really done anything like that before (swinging/visiting massage parlors) her husband (43) is totally aware of the fact that we've grown pretty close, and after a threesome date where I told him I wasn't trying to steal her (and later had an actual threesome, though he and I didn't actually have sex, he's very attentive of my boundaries which I find very endearing) he seems ok with the fact that I’m pretty visibly falling for his wife and vice versa. I'm not jealous of him, and he seems to not be jealous of me, and spending time with both of them just feels so comfortable. Is this a viable way for a poly relationship to develop or am I crazy for thinking that might be a possibility? Is it weird that this isn’t weird?

Oh letter writer, stop looking for trouble where it isn’t! You know the answer to your question: is this a viable way for a polyamorous relationship to develop? Yes, obviously. You’re living the empirical proof! Are you crazy for thinking this might be possible? No, of course not - you’re witnessing it be possible. All you have to do is look at the information the universe is giving you, and draw the most reasonable conclusions!

Our society, and the media we use to frame and understand romance and love and sex, haven’t given you a lot of tools to understand this. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong, impossible, or doomed. You have no reason based on evidence or observation to believe that this is weird, or impossible, or non-viable - those feelings are coming from anxiety and confusion because you live in a world that tells you relationships like this are “weird.” But you yourself said it’s not weird - so there’s your answer! If it’s comfortable, if it’s working, if it feels good, then let it be.

I’m not suggesting that you slap on some rose-colored glasses and assume everything will be fine. If there is a genuine concern, if something does start to feel weird, definitely talk it out. Feelings are worth investigating and understanding. Sometimes the conclusion is “this is just a confused feeling, not based on reality, and I can gently put it to rest without acting on it” and sometimes the conclusion is “this feeling is pointing me toward a potential problem, unmet need, or question that needs answering.” Continue to have open, honest conversations with both people, and yourself, and let this grow in the direction that’s best for everyone. And tr to relax and enjoy the ride!

Both of my partners are ace, and I've really been missing physical/sexual touch.

Hullo there. Im in a polycule with two ace boys who generally do not like or require touching. Recently I have been a, how do you say, touch starved maniac. I don’t want to ask them to touch me or show me affection because I know that they both need space and no touching. But I’m big craving affection. I’m also the only one who isn’t ace and sometimes it makes me feel like a shithead to want so much that they can't give me. Any advice?

We in the polyamorous community are very fond of saying that polyamory will not solve relationship problems and is not a cure-all for unmet needs. I do think, however, that in your unique case, it’s a pretty good solution. You say you’re in a polycule, which would imply that the relationship is polyamorous. You’re right that it’s not super nice to demand something of someone when they’ve made it clear that they can’t or don’t want to provide that. And it sounds like you’re doing a great job honoring your partners’ boundaries. But it’s also not nice to yourself to demand that you ignore or repress your own desires, or feel shame for having them!

Talk to your two partners about these desires, and your intention to start pursuing physical and sexual affection elsewhere. Hopefully they’re chill and supportive, and you three can discuss the terms of your polycule such that everyone gets what they want and no one feels judged or repressed for their specific set of preferences and needs. If they want to keep things as a closed polycule and insist that you simply stop bringing up, or stop feeling, these desires for physical touch, then this probably isn’t the right relationship for you!

It is okay, and not acephobic, to decide that you need or want new terms for this relationship. You are not pressuring them or shaming them for who they are, but you also shouldn’t pressure or shame yourself. I am not saying that all ace people should be okay with their partners seeking sexual attention elsewhere in a polyamorous arrangement, or that no relationship with different levels of sexual interest can work. But for you specifically, letter-writer, it sounds like this is a situation where this conversation is warranted, and some next steps are called for (whether it means opening the relationship, or leaving it.) Being sexually incompatible is a real and common reason for relationships to end or change terms - it’s not a referendum on whose sexuality or preferences are “valid” or worthy of respect.