I don't know how to try and date people in my social circles if my non-monogamy is a semi-open secret

I've been dating the same person for 2 years and we've been poly the entire time. Our community and peers think we're slutty because we flirt with others. We're not necessarily out about not being mono but how do you even bring that up to people who aren't open minded anyways? I've been trying to date this other person recently but I can't tell how to bring up polyamory. They know I'm in a committed relationship and that my partner knows I'm openly flirting. I'm at a loss for what to do.

You can't have it both ways - if you're not out to people about being non-monogamous, and you flirt with or pursue other people in front of them, they will assume that something untoward or inappropriate is going on. One could argue that visibly flirting/pursuing others is essentially outing yourself.

If people are not open minded and accepting enough to understand non-monogamy, it's probably not wise to try and flirt with or pursue them. If you're just pursuing other people in front of them, like giving a cute bartender your number while out drinking with them, then they are probably going to be uncomfortable about witnessing what they think is immoral/cheating behavior.

It sounds like you really want to be able to live openly in your community of peers - so it might be best to come out to them. You could do it more formally, sitting down with them and telling them, or you could work with your partner to bring it up more casually, conversationally, just make it known. Secrets and ambiguity make people uncomfortable; if you two talk and joke openly about how you're ok with your partner seeing other people, that usually works better for everyone else.

When it comes to the specific person you're trying to date, you need to be really clear with them! Just knowing that your partner knows you're openly flirting isn't enough. If you want to really make a go of trying to date them, you need to let them know exactly what's going on, how you feel, how your partner feels, what they would (and wouldn't) be getting involved with by dating you. If you don't feel like you can have that conversation, then you should probably let go of pursuing this person. 

I agreed to a polyamorous relationship, but it's not working for me

My girlfriend and I entered into a poly relationship with one of our best friends. I said no at first because I didn't want my relationships with either of them to change, but I eventually said yes because I wanted to keep everyone happy, and at least try even if I still felt uncertain. It's only been a day, but I spent time with our friend today, and although I do love her, I feel it's not romantic love, but I don't want to end it for fear of hurting them both. I don't know what to do.

To "keep everyone happy" is NOT a good reason to do anything. If you don't want to do something, someone else's feelings don't get to override your boundaries or even your preferences.

It sounds like you don't want to date this person. Don't date them, then. Even if it will hurt their feelings or upset your girlfriend. Staying in a relationship you don't want to be in for the sake of someone else is unfair to you and the other people.

Be honest - tell your girlfriend that you agreed to try it more to end the conversation and keep her happy than because you actually wanted to. Say that you've thought about it, tried it out (albeit briefly), and you've realized that you just don't want this arrangement.

Think through your best case scenario so you can have a conversation with a purpose. Do you not want to be part of any polyamorous arrangement, or are you okay with your girlfriend dating this friend and you keeping your relationship platonic? What are your feelings, needs, and desires here? Try to have clarity on what you're asking your girlfriend for, then ask for that.

Once you ask her for what you want (to re-close the relationship; for you to be left out of the new relationship, etc.) then she is free to say "no." If that happens, you are not obligated to stay in a relationship situation that isn't working for you, even if you holding your own boundaries makes other people hurt or upset. It is not your job or obligation to keep everyone happy!

I want to date a couple, but don't know how to approach it.

I have an interest in being a third; there has been more than one instance where I've had an interest in couples I am friends with. Like a specific interest in dating both and not wanting to break them up. But I really have no idea how to approach trying to become a third in a relationship, and it can also be quite stigmatized among monogamous bisexuals which is a bit daunting.

It's not entirely clear from your message whether you want this as a generalized relationship framework, or whether there are specific couples you know who you want to date.

If it's the former - if you're just interested in finding a couple to date - you are in some serious luck. That is something that a LOT of couples want, and you will not have a hard time finding a couple to date! A third person who dates a couple is called a "unicorn," and couples seeking one are called "unicorn hunters." You can read more about this on my FAQ page here!

However, that does mean you will need to do a lot of work to screen people and give yourself permission to say no. It's just like monogamous dating - don't date the first person who likes you. Meet lots of people, know your limits and boundaries, and make sure you end up dating someone who meets your needs and fits your personality. 

If there are specific couples in your life that you'd like to date, it works just like crushing on anyone else. Do what you can to suss out their interest - try bringing up triads/unicorns/non-monogamy and see if they have any general thoughts on it - but in the end, the only way to find out is to ask! It can be frightening to approach people about something that's so misunderstood, but if the couple seems open and safe, the worst they can do is say no!

My partner and I want different types of polyamorous arrangements

My partner and I both identify as being polyamorous. But he would like for all his multiple partners to love and be with one another; I am seeking 2-3 separate relationships. How do we reconcile this? Can we?

It depends on whether, for each of you, these are preferences or needs. If your partner would feel unsafe and uncomfortable and unfulfilled in a more V-type arrangement, or if you would feel suffocated and boxed in and frustrated by a polyfidelitous arrangement, then it's irreconcilable.

But there might be room for compromise. Perhaps your partner would be okay if everyone you're dating and he's dating get along and are friendly, even if they're not all romantically intimate. I know people with polyamorous terms of the relationship that dictate that new partners need to 'gel' with their existing community.

Or, perhaps he'd be happy being in a quad or triad with you, while you also have unconnected relationships as well. Maybe what he's wanting will be provided by a triad or quad and is less about not wanting you to have partners that aren't also his partners and his partners' partners.

So, the next step is to just start talking, and keep talking. Describe your best case and worst case scenarios to each other. Daydream instead of planning. Think through different things that would make you happy. Identify what makes you feel threatened and why. I can't identify the sweet spot that will reconcile this, but you two probably can!

I want to date my best friend and her boyfriend, but I worry that's "messed up"

I think I want a relationship with my best friend and her boyfriend. Am I messed up for wanting that? We all get along so well and I care about both of them so much and I feel fucked up for wanting to be with them that way. For wanting to intrude on their relationship. How do I stop feeling this way?

You are not messed up or fucked up. You are having pretty normal, natural feelings of intimacy for people you are intimate with! Caring about people so deeply that you want a new framework for your relationship is not, in general, a bad thing. Wanting more true, real ways to express and live out your feelings of love and care is not "fucked up."

We live in a world that prioritizes certain types of commitment over others. We feel like we can ask things and expect things of people we are "dating" but not people we are "friends" with. So there is a kind of insecurity that comes from not having a "dating" relationship, and I get it!

The only way that it would be "messed up" is if, in acting on these feelings and desires, you violated boundaries. If you have genuine reason to believe that your friends would be really threatened or put off by you broaching the topic of a shift in the relationship, it might be best to drop the issue. If you don't, it's worth bringing up! Let her know how you feel, what your ideal relationship framework would be, and why.

If she says she's uncomfortable with that, and you keep pushing or trying to convince her to see things your way or trying to underhandedly act as if the relationship has changed and thus manipulate her into it - that would be "fucked up." But all you've done now is have deep feelings for people you're close to, and want to live out those feelings in a more authentic way. There is nothing wrong with that!

I don't know how to tell my ex that I don't want to get back together

My ex recently got back in touch with me and wants to start over. I still kind of have feelings for this person, but I can't see us being happy together because they're monogamous and I'm polyamorous, and they aren't open to the idea of being in an open relationship. I've tried to be mono for them before and while they were happy, it made me miserable, and I don't want to go through that again. I don't know how to tell my ex it won't work between us. What should I do?

"No" is a complete sentence. Consensus is not required here. You don't need to get them to agree, or see things your way. You don't need to convince your ex that getting back together is a bad idea. You can just decline to get back together. You know that dating them made you miserable, and you don't want to do it again. Some lines you can use:

• "I don't want to get back together with you."
• "The reason we broke up still exists for me, and I haven't changed my mind."
• "I know that you want to try dating again, but I don't feel that way."
• "I'm not going to try and argue or get you to see things my way - you just need to know that my answer is no." 
• "Please don't ask me again. If you keep trying to push for another relationship with me, I'll have to take a step back from even a friendship."

If they won't take no for an answer, do what you need to maintain your boundaries. Block them through whatever channel they used to get back in touch. Take emotional and physical distance. You have no obligation to "tell them" in exactly the right way. You don't need their permission to not date them. Stop worrying about how to tell them - just tell them, and then walk away.

Is it possible to be neither, or both, polyamorous and monogamous?

How do I identify if I'm comfortable with the idea of both polygamous and monogamous relationships?? I'm either monogamous or polygamous right? I can't be completely happy in both type of relationships?

First off, the correct term is "polyamorous," not "polygamous."

Second, it is entirely possible to be a person who would be happy and fulfilled in a polyamorous or monogamous relationship. Just like there are people who would be equally happy staying at home with kids or working in a career. People who would be equally happy in a relationship with a man or a woman. Very few things in this world are true, all-or-nothing, either-or binaries.

As for an identity term that captures this, there isn't one that is widely used for this, the way we have "pansexual" and "bisexual" or "bigender" and "genderfluid." But some that are out there include:

• monopoly or polymono
• polyamorish or monogamish
• polyflexible or monoflexible
• biamorous
• flexiamorous

But, above all, relax! You are who you are, and it's pretty neat that you have available to you a wide range of relationships and partners. Seek partners based off mutual connection, be clear about what you expect of your partners and what expectations of theirs you can and can't meet, and you're golden! 

Is there a term for the specific type of relationship we're looking for?

My partner and I have been together 17 years and we are wanting to bring another male in to our relationship (MMF). What would the correct name be for this relationship? Both males are straight.

Well, for one, I can't quite parse exactly what kind of 'relationship' you're trying to name. If both males are straight, then they probably won't want to be in a sexual or romantic relationship with each other, so the new person probably won't be "brought into" your existing relationship - they'd primarily be with the female partner, right? Dating one person in a relationship is different than "joining" or "being brought into" a two-person relationship. You'd be well served to think a bit more about the specific dynamic you're hoping for, so you can better explain it to yourselves and future partners.

Are you planning for this to be primarily sexual, like someone to have threesomes with? The word for that is really just "threesome" - or "group sex," "multiple partners," that sort of thing. There are specific sexual concepts common in MMF sexuality, like "cuckolding." Are you looking for someone for the female partner to date? That is just called "polyamory," "V-shaped polyamory," or an "open relationship." One person sought after by an existing couple to date that couple as a unit is called a "unicorn." 

There are not, to my knowledge, specific terms for relationship configurations based on the specific number and genders of people involved. I'm not sure we need those, frankly. If you are looking for linguistic validation that what you want is "a real thing," that also doesn't exist, and you don't need it. If you are looking for a very particular term that you think will perfectly describe what you want so that you don't have to do other work of explaining, defining, and communicating, that doesn't exist. You need to continue to do the work of identifying and defining your needs and boundaries.

Can I be polyamorous if I'm straight?

I found out that I’m into polyamorous relationships. I only opened up to one person who is an acquaintance plus I have a crush on and thankfully he took it well but I sort of feel excluded since I don’t considered myself bisexual nor lesbian. Is it okay being interested in one gender while being poly?

Who is making you feel excluded? Those people are wrong and being obnoxious. Being bisexual or lesbian is about who you are attracted to; being polyamorous is about the type of relationship you want to be in. They are completely separate and can be mixed and matched in whatever combination is true for each individual. There are monogamous bisexuals, polyamorous lesbians, monogamous heterosexuals, polyamorous heterosexuals, you name it. Relax - you are you, and if you're polyamorous, then you're polyamorous.

Can you be polyamorous with a preference for monogamous relationships?

Is it okay to be polyamorous with a preference for monogamous relationships?

I'm going to do that annoying thing where I sort of reject the entire premise of the question, and then answer it anyway.

You don't need to ask me whether something about who you are or what you prefer is okay! I'm just some blogger - and there's no almighty arbiter of whether a way of being in relationships or a certain identity is "okay." You do you, in whatever way is healthy and honest for you and your partners.

But since you asked - of course it's okay! Plenty of people fall under the umbrella of "could be happy with A or B, but generally prefers A." Plenty of people could be happy and fulfilled in a polyamorous or a monogamous relationship.

If you want to identify as a polyamorous person, that's fine! You could also identify as polyflexible, monoflexible, monopoly, poly-mono, monogamish, or whatever other term feels right to you. But if you have a preference for monogamous relationships, it might make more sense to actively seek out monogamous relationships instead. The good news is that the majority of people identify as monogamous (whether because of something innate or socialized assumptions), so your preference should be relatively easy to indulge.

Someone told me the point of polyamory is to cultivate jealousy, and I don't want that

Someone I know said they were told by a polyamory person that jealousy is what brings people into polyamorous relationships? Because it's a rush or it provides a constantly "new" and "fresh" feeling to the relationship? I said that wasn't true because polyamory is a relationship (generally) like most others and jealousy in any relationship can make it unhealthy. I just wanted to check because I would like to enter a poly relationship in the future but I don't want to be in that kind of environment.

You are correct in that "purposefully injecting and indulging jealousy" is not typically a healthy relationship dynamic, and it is not at the core of most healthy polyamorous relationships.

Your friend of a friend may have been referring more to the fact that some people get a sexual charge out of what we might call "jealousy." Lots of sexual fetishes, kinks, and fantasies revolve around threat, territorialism, possessing a partner, etc. Perhaps the most recognizable form of this is "cuckolding" or "cuckqueaning," though there are lots of other forms it can take: some people like to include the 'sharing' of a partner as part of a BDSM scenario, some people just include spoken fantasies about other sexual partners as part of their erotic flirting or foreplay.

But this is a sexual thing, not a relationship thing. Jealousy is a powerful energy, and most powerful energies can be eroticized. There is nothing wrong with people seeking other partners as part of their sexual play, as long as everyone is on board and all parties understand and consent to what's going on. But in almost all cases, what works sexually isn't the totality of the relationship, and vice versa.

For most polyamorous people, polyamory is a way of being in a relationship, not a way of having sex. But, there are people out there who do center their polyamory around sex and sexuality. This can create confusion and even stigma, which is frustrating, but language is imprecise and the alternative is gatekeeping and in-group conflict, which I'm generally against unless necessary for people's health and safety. The most important thing is to know what polyamory means to you.

Just because someone out there practices polyamory in a way you would find unhealthy or unpleasant doesn't mean you need to! Someone else's definition of polyamory can not and should not define your own relationships! Your job is to know who you are, and what you mean when you use specific terms and labels. This is important when communicating with people in your life, and less so when it comes to correcting or policing other people. So, yeah, it's aggravating that misinformation is going around through your extended circle, but rest assured that you don't have to agree with or act on other people's beliefs. 

My boyfriend cheated on me, but said it was okay because he's polyamorous

My boyfriend just told me he's been dating someone else behind my back, but it's ok and it's not cheating because he's polyamorous. I don't know the person and from talking to them over the phone they're really annoying. I don't want to lose my boyfriend but also I feel really bad he didn't even tell me he was dating someone else.

What!? Your boyfriend is wrong. Your boyfriend cheated on you, full stop. He doesn't get to tell you what is and isn't okay. If you're not okay with it, it's not okay. 

"I took your stuff without asking, but it's not theft because I'm a communist." No, taking people's things without permission is stealing, even if you don't believe in the concept of private property. They also need to be in on the philosophy. 

What your boyfriend is doing is not practicing "polyamory," but cheating. Polyamory requires open communication and consent of all parties. Just because he has a fancy word for what he's doing doesn't mean you need to go along with it. Stop talking to his other partner on the phone, stop bending over backwards to accommodate his twisted worldview where he can do whatever he wants without consequences. 

Leave this relationship - he cheated on you, acted without your consent, then told you how to feel about it and continued making demands on you. This is not polyamory, it's a person acting cruel and selfish and obnoxious. Dump him. 

Is there a third way out from having to choose between partners who want monogamy & partners who don't?

My wife and I are poly. She has a boyfriend, and I have a girlfriend. Neither the boyfriend, nor the girlfriend are involved in other relationships. They both want more. In fact, they both want to have monogamous relationships, but all of us will be sad if there are breakups. So, aside from either the girlfriend/boyfriend breaking up with us, or the girlfriend/boyfriend being "stuck" in a poly relationship, is there some sort of third option?

No, there is no third option. There will be sadness if breakups have to happen, but there will also be sadness if people are "stuck" in relationships that don't make them happy. There's a choice here that needs to be made, and there's no way out of having to make that choice. Life is full of tough choices, and each path we pursue comes at a cost. It's painful, but it's just part of being a human who has relationships. 

I want to be with a polyamorous guy, but I am mono and I'm not sure it can work

I am a monogamous girl and fell in love with a poly guy. I am a very insecure person and it hurts me just thinking about him being with another girl but on the other side, I understand this is who he is and it doesn’t make his love for me any different. I want nothing more than to be with him, but is it truly possible for a mono and poly person to be together? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

The world is a rich tapestry and almost anything is possible. Could *a* mono person and *a* poly person be happy together? Entirely possible. Could *you* be happy with *this* poly guy? Sounds a lot less likely.

It sounds like intellectually, you understand how his polyamory functions; but emotionally, it causes you a lot of pain. That's okay. There are a lot of instances where we 'know' something but still feel differently. It may be that you can't logic and reason yourself out of being monogamous and really needing a monogamous relationship to feel happy and safe. If being with someone "hurts you," then you probably shouldn't stay in this relationship. Incompatibility sucks, but it happens. 

If you want to try and work on this, consider moving out of the framing of "I am a very insecure person" to "I struggle with insecurity." It's not an inherent part of who you are, it's a feeling you have that can be sat with, worked on, interrogated, etc. Ask yourself where those feelings come from, whether they reflect reality, whether they are serving you, and what alternatives might there be. (Even if you don't decide to work on this relationship, that sort of reframing will serve you well in all things.) 

But honestly, it sounds like a core part of who you are and what you need in a relationship conflicts with a core part of who he is and what he needs in a relationship. Don't do yourself the disservice of trying to silence and ignore your very real feelings and needs with over-intellectualizing and excessive sacrifice. If it's hurting you, let go of it. 

My partner and I want to know what being polyamorous is like and how it works

My partner and I are trying to be poly. How does it work between you and your partner(s)? How did you start -- conversations, reading, meeting people? What is your network like? What is the relationship between and among people in your network?

These are huge, broad questions that would take a long time to type full answers to. I strongly encourage you to read through my FAQ and the archives of this blog, and check out the resources linked here. There are tons of first-person accounts, examples, interviews, anecdotes, etc. that can provide a range of answers to the questions you posed here.

No one can provide a roadmap for you and your partner. What works for someone else might not work for you two, so it's unwise to take someone else's story and set that up as a blueprint to strive towards. Do your research and educate yourselves, but don't be too reliant on other people to hold your hand and teach you how to be polyamorous.

Since opening our relationship, I worry that I'm not attractive anymore

My partner and I just opened our relationship and she's been with a few people since. At first our sex life with each other was pretty exciting but things have seemed to fizzle out recently. I'm naturally anxious that she doesn't find me so attractive anymore now that she's been with others but I also know that probably isn't a valid feeling. Any advice on navigating these feelings? It's not the lack of sex that's getting to me so much as the idea that I might not be attractive to her anymore.

You've done a good job identifying that these feelings are coming from your anxious tendencies, not empirical observations. Keep working on them from that perspective. Remind yourself that you are not psychic, and assumptions about the inner state of your partner's sexual attraction may not be accurate. 

Identify what your partner does, or can do, to make you feel reassured that she is still attracted to you. Let her know that you might need some extra security around this issue and be clear about what she can do to help you feel better. 

Read up about NRE in polyamorous relationships - this is a pretty common phenomenon. An established partnership's sex and romantic life often 'fizzles' into a dip when a new partner enters the picture. This is common, but can still be painful and disruptive. Being able to name and identify it often helps, though. 

Sometimes, it takes a bit more intentionality and focus to re-ignite what has 'fizzled out' during NRE. Consider planning some date time for just the two of you or trying something new and sexy together (shop for new sex toys together, look into local sexy events, book a sexy photoshoot together, read erotica or watch porn together, take mojo upgrade together, etc.)

That anxious little voice in your head may try to convince you that it "doesn't count" if you have to ask, or if it's not totally spontaneous - but that's bogus. Long-term sexual and romantic relationships require cultivation and attention, and that's just part of opening your relationship in a healthy way.

My partner is in a cheating relationship with someone else

My fiancé is seeing a girl who has a bf but the bf doesn’t know about my fiancé. I know that polyamory preaches ethical practices. While I would never choose a partner that didn’t have another partner’s consent, I believe it’s my fiancé’s right to choose who she sees and the girl’s right to keep it a secret, as long as it does not directly affect me. I guess I’ve made a decision for myself but just wanted to hear someone else’s thoughts.

I personally would not be okay in such a situation, but I recognize that my options would be limited. I could make it clear that I was not okay with this situation and would not stay in a relationship under these terms, but if my fiancé chose to keep seeing this person, I would need to break up with someone I loved enough to get engaged to. Which is a pretty major choice and serious compromise. Different people will make different choices about what their core dealbreakers are and are not.

Consider what might be at stake in terms of drama. If the boyfriend finds out, he might make vengeful choices that blow back on you. If your fiancé's partner feels the need to act irresponsibly or selfishly to protect herself, that also puts you at risk. Are there any personal or professional threats that would be too big to make this worth it? Consider also that STI risks are much higher when all partners are not open and honest about their multiple partners. Again, different people have different risk tolerances. Make sure you know yours.

Consider what this says about your partner as well. Are there any questions about her judgment or character that this raises for you? How has she explained this situation to you? Has she asked you to do anything you find questionable to help her maintain this secret relationship? Are you okay being engaged to someone whose values differ from yours in this way?

There's also the issue where, any time someone is part of a minority group, they are expected to represent that entire group. It's bullshit and unfair, but it happens. Your fiancé is doing the polyamorous community a disservice by acting unethically and participating in cheating under the guise of a polyamorous identity. If/when the boyfriend finds out, there will be one more person in the world with a justifiable belief that polyamorous people are immoral predators - and if my inbox is any indication, there are plenty of those people out there. If you are someone who identifies as polyamorous, you may want to have a talk with your partner about her concept of what 'polyamory' means and how you are personally impacted by her choices.

I don't know how to identify "love" outside of monogamy

Hey! I'm newly in a triad with a couple that's been together for almost 5 years. I don't really know how to tell if I'm in love or just really like them. All the previous definitions of love I've had were very monogamous and idk how to draw the line between just really liking them and being in love.

This is a tough spot to be in - we are taught through media and socialization and all sorts of other sources that you "know" you're "in love" when you "only want to be with them" or "see yourself with just them for the rest of your life." So it's very fair to feel adrift and confused when you're in a romantic situation that you don't have a lot of models or blueprints for.

My advice would be to let go of this question. There is an entire dynamic, complex, highly individualized realm of human emotion that can't really be distilled down into a binary of "in love" vs. "just really like." You feel what you feel right now - find words for it that fit, without worrying about whether a specific word tied to a limited construct fits perfectly.

Do you feel committed? How committed? What kind of sacrifices and compromises do you feel willing to make? Not willing to make? What kinds of songs, images, and symbols capture your relationship well? What do you like to do together? What makes you feel happy, grateful, or fulfilled in this relationship? What positive things about yourself do your partners draw out?

Find ways to describe and understand your relationship that are unique and specific - because your relationship is unique and specific. Everyone's is, whether they're poly or mono. What I feel as "love" for my partner might not be what someone else identifies as "love." What I experience in a healthy relationship is different than what someone else needs. Don't worry about whether what you feel meets the "true" or "real" or "correct" definition of one word.

My wife is looking for a girlfriend

Hi my wife and I are trying to find her a gf any tips on where to start?

Here is my FAQ page on finding polyamorous people to date.

And here is my FAQ page on couples looking for people to date. It's not clear from your message whether your wife is looking to date someone on your own, but if she is, I would caution you to maybe be less involved than your message implies. Being "scouted" to become someone's girlfriend by her and her spouse can feel objectifying and threatening.

If your wife wants a girlfriend, she should do what any woman looking for a girlfriend does - make an online dating profile, hang out where women interested in dating women also hang out, be flirty and genuine, etc. That's the place to start!

How can I actually start working on my issues around OPPs?

I've found a great many articles about OPP and why it does nothing helpful, but I'm having difficulty finding anything on eliminating or overcoming the feelings that lead to the "need" of an OPP in the first place. I think/feel I may be poly, I think my wife is poly, but before I broach this with her, I want to get these jealousies and insecurities under control first. Could you offer any strategies or point me somewhere that can help me? Thank you!

I absolutely love this question - this is one of my favorite questions I've ever gotten. Short of popping over to your closest liberal arts college for a quick minor in gender studies and queer theory, there's a lot you can do and read to try interrogating the feelings and assumptions behind an OPP!

There are a lot of strategies from CBT/DBT to help you examine this - there is a delicate "switch point" where a feeling becomes a fact, and it's in that point that you'll be doing most of the work.

"I feel threatened" becomes "This thing makes me feel threatened" becomes "This thing is threatening me" becomes "This thing is inherently dangerous and should be avoided for my own safety."  And it's totally understandable that we go through that unconscious process - we have to be able to rely on our perception of the world! But sometimes, assumptions and prejudices warp what feels like simple observations.

You can try and stop that nearly automatic thought process with awareness and intentionality. When a feeling-fact comes up, ask yourself:

• Where did this information come from?
• What is the evidence for and against?
• What would the world look like if that was true?
• Does the world look like that?
• What else might be true?
• How does this thought make me want to act?
• How might I act if something else was true? 

I think it also helps to be aware of where certain ideas come from. Again, things often seem like "facts" because they're just floating around in our world being taken for granted, but they become much easier to challenge when you can actually see them as products of a specific worldview rather than just how the world works. 

• When you were growing up, what were you told about men, masculinity, and male sexuality?
• What were you told about women, femininity, and female sexuality?
• How were you taught to understand gender and sexuality?
• What messages from songs, movies, books, and culture have you internalized?
• How do you interpret your own sexual feelings and desires?
• What of your own thoughts and feelings might you be projecting onto a theoretical other man? Where did those thoughts and feelings come from?

Imagination and thought exercises are also powerful tools:

• Think about your partner having sex with a man. What feelings come up?
• In this image, how similar is the scenario to your partner having sex with you (assuming you are a man)? How different is it? 
• Think about your partner having sex with a woman. What feelings come up?
• What feels different to you, between the two?
• Why does it feel different?
• How might you feel about your partner seeing a trans man? A trans woman?
• In each case, what is your best-case-scenario? What is your worst-case scenario?

It might seem cheesy, but journaling about these questions - actually brainstorming and writing down what you actually think and where you think those thoughts came from - can really help. Sometimes, getting into the nitty gritty of what you actually think and why can help you let go of assumptions that aren't really well supported or aren't serving you.

Sometimes, those pesky feeling-facts will stick around longer, refusing to dissipate just because you took them into the light. But they will be much easier to talk about, find resources for, and work on once you have a better sense of what they are and where they come from.

I looked around for poly-centric resources on actually working past the worldview that gives rise to an OPP, and you're right - most just explain why OPPs are bad but don't give a clear roadmap out of the OPP braintraip. This article is the closest I got. Hopefully people in the future can also find this blog post - thanks, letter-writer, for actually asking this super important question!

Postscript: I am tempted to get in deep on my personal philosophy about OPPs, how my polyamory is wrapped deeply in with my radical politics. To give just one example, male" is often associated with "property owner" and "female" is often coded as "property to be possessed," so interrogating OPPs might also mean looking into anti-capitalist thinking and understanding how our concepts of gender and capital are all intertwined; how understanding the fundamental assumptions of our culture goes so much deeper than just figuring out how to make non-monogamy work - but I wanted to keep this answer pretty open and leave it as a guide to pursue your own self-work. If ideas about righteousness and sin; or abandonment and families; or economic ownership, or other sociocultural concepts come up for you while thinking on these questions, there are tons of resources out there to dive deeper into whatever you're most interested in.