I'm dating polyamorously, but my parents are threatening to torch our relationship if I visit my partner

I'm in a long-distance relationship with a polyamorous married man. I've known him for years and he's my best friend, and we've been dating for almost six months now, and we're both incredible happy with each other and his wife is happy for us. When I told my parents about it, I knew they wouldn't understand, but I wasn't prepared for how much they would personally offended by it. They tell me it's wrong, that I'm setting myself up to be hurt, and that I should listen to them if I respect them. Despite being a good daughter who's never gotten into trouble and is doing well in college, my father says he would be ashamed of me for my relationship- and that hurts incredibly deeply to hear from him. No matter how I try to explain how polyamory works to them, they always say that it's not right "for me" because I'm "their daughter." My problem is that I'm 20 years old and still living with my parents while I'm in college, and I desperately want to visit my boyfriend who lives 3 hours away (using my own money)-- but my parents tell me that if I visit him knowing how much they disapprove, that I will be severely damaging our relationship and that there will be consequences. What do you think I should do?

I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation - that’s so painful and isolating.

I am perhaps on the extreme side of things when it comes to this type of conflict, so I will try to be both honest about my own position while empathizing with yours. I firmly believe that we as individuals have the right, and in fact the obligation to ourselves, to reject any nonsense from our families that threatens our well-being. You should live your full and honest truth, do what is happy and healthy for you, and if other people are upset about it, they are free to be upset about it. Sharing DNA with someone doesn’t mean that you need to care what they think more than you’d care about anyone else; nor that you’re beholden to whatever assumptions and expectations they have.

Your boyfriend is someone you chose to be in your life, someone who meets you where you are, and makes you feel happy and understood. Your parents are people who you did not choose, and who are being manipulative and hurtful. Based on that, I’d say prioritize your relationship with your boyfriend. If I were you, I’d go see my partner, and let the chips fall where they may. I would also start taking steps to make it financially feasible to move out from under the roof of people who are going to be so ignorant and hurtful.

If you don’t feel ready to take steps that would cause such friction with your parents (even though the conflict is their choice; not yours), talk to your boyfriend about this. See how he feels about waiting until you feel more emotionally able to stand up to your parents and do what you want. Let him know what he can do to support you during this painful individuation. Consider seeing a therapist to talk about how you might start the process of grieving the relationship you wish you could have with your family, but might not be able to if you are going to be a healthy, fulfilled, independent adult. Build relationships at college with people you can lean on. Best of luck - this is a difficult period to go through.

One of my triad partners is keeping her feelings from our third partner - and we're all planning to move in together

I’m in a closed MFF triad. My partners raise 2 children together; I have none. Together we have been looking into getting our own place currently we stay with family. Our partner decided well realized she doesn’t want to be in a closed triad, feels trapped and wants to be able to date other men which we both know our boyfriend wouldn’t support. She’s suggested it and he’s turned it down. She’s also decided she doesn’t want to tell him until after we move. He knows none of it she told her best friend and I. Not sure what to do? I don’t want to betray her by telling him but can’t make her. So I have no clue what to do being “in the middle.”

You’re not “in the middle,” because this is immediately affecting you and whether you will have a stable living situation in the future. Moving is incredibly stressful, and having to end leases, find roommates, split belongings, etc. is messy and difficult. You have a right to act to protect yourself from future problems with your housing.

You can let her know that you think this needs to be discussed before the move, for the sake of everyone involved. Tell her that you’re worried about what will happen if this comes up after everyone moves in together and you don’t feel okay making that move knowing that this shoe is set to drop. You can let her know that you’ll need to tell your partner why you’re backing out of the move until this is resolved, and she can choose whether to tell him first herself, or let the chips fall where they may.

This is not about you betraying her; this is about you protecting your future self from horrible housing drama, which is, in my opinion, one of the worst kinds of drama. If this wasn’t directly affecting you, my advice would be different; but since she plans to keep this to herself until after everyone moves in together, you are well within your rights to put the brakes on that move until this gets worked out.

I've been using alcohol to manage my feelings around polyamory

I normally get drunk to cope with my boyfriend calling/video chatting his fiancé and I don’t know how I’m gonna cope when he tries to move her into our house.

You should never ever stay in a situation that is so emotionally painful that you turn to alcohol (or other numbing behaviors) to get through it. Something serious needs to change, immediately.

Please talk to your boyfriend about how you’re feeling. If there’s something specifically that you two can work on to help you manage whatever feelings are coming up, find and start that. But it just might not be healthy for you to continue dating someone who also has a fiancé. It will be better for you in the long run to leave a relationship that is driving you to “get drunk to cope.”

Please also see a therapist for help with your use of alcohol to self-soothe. There is nothing wrong with drinking, but using it as a coping strategy is dangerous both physically and psychologically. You deserve help finding better ways to get through painful feelings, and to stand up for yourself in situations that hurt rather than trying to drink yourself through them.

My partner and I are emotionally and sexually close with a third person - what do we call this?

So my boyfriend and I are in a very committed relationship with each other, but there's this girl were kind of in, like, an open relationship with? (We'll call her E.) My bf and I are intimate with E, but only when the three of us are together. We kiss, cuddle, etc. We all love each other A LOT, but E is free to date/be intimate with whoever she wants without us. We don't consider ourselves in a "serious relationship," but we're way more than friends. Is this polyam or just complicated?

P.S. I apologize deeply if I misused any terms, and I did not at all mean to imply that polyam relationships are less serious than monogamous ones, I was referring to our situation individually when I said "we don't consider ourselves in a 'serious relationship.'" Sorry if that came off wrong!

There are more options in the world than “polyam” or “just complicated.” Because it doesn’t sound like your situation is “complicated” at all! It sounds like you all know what you want and how to get it, and that you’ve found a relationship arrangement that works for all parties involved. I wouldn’t call that “complicated” at all!

It’s up to you whether you want to identify your relationship as polyamorous. Here’s my FAQ page on that. If identifying as polyamorous helps you find language and resources to keep things happy and healthy, great! If it doesn’t seem relevant or necessary, great! You might also consider checking out Relationship Anarchy, which is a way of thinking about relationships that makes lots of space for different types of emotions, arrangements, etc. without trying to force them into pre-existing formats and boxes, including “polyamorous!” I’d say this is a pretty great example of RA, personally - people who know how they connect sexually and emotionally, and who don’t assume that those connections mean they have to do everything else a certain way. But I don’t decide what and who you are, you do!

I also really loved the sweet little postscript. It’s rare that I get hurt or offended by a letter-writer’s language (with some notable exceptions); I usually try to gently steer people toward a linguistic re-framing for their sake, not mine. I think it’s clear that you’ve thought intentionally and honestly about the language you use around “commitment” and “serious relationship” and how that applies to your relationship, which is probably one reason it’s working so well for you three. It’s good to recognize that your application of certain terms and ideas doesn’t generalize to other people, and to be considerate with your language. You’re good, letter-writer; keep on keeping on!

My partner's metamour broke a boundary our poly network has, and now we've been exposed to an STI

One of my metamours broke a huge boundary in his relationship to my partner. In addition, he potentially exposed our entire poly circle to HSV. Both my metamour and the person who was HSV positive knew about this boundary but claim "we just weren't thinking/too in the moment." My partner forgave him, but I'm still really angry. One of my other partners talked to him and he lied about it. I don't know how to talk to my partner about it. He’s being tested soon and so am I. What do I do???

It’s up to you to decide what are dealbreakers and what are not dealbreakers, but things to be taken very seriously.

It’s perfectly okay to say that, as part of the terms of your relationships, you only have sex with people who use condoms for all penetrative sex, or you only have sex with people who get STI testing every 3 months and require that of their partners, or whatever specific rules and terms you have. If someone violates those terms, it is within your rights to end or change the terms of the relationship.

It feels stickier since the problem behavior came from a partner of your partner, and not your partner - you can’t exactly “break up” with a metamour the way you an break up with a partner. But you can re-frame your boundary as I don’t have sex with anyone who has sex with anyone else who doesn’t follow these boundaries. This could mean leaving your partner if they’re willing to allow other people to violate those boundaries; or putting a hold on sex with your partner even if you don’t end the relationship. This is not a threat or ultimatum - “leave them or I’ll leave you” - it’s just you holding your own boundaries.

If it’s not a dealbreaker, but instead it’s “something serious and worth addressing but not a relationship-ender,” you need to talk with your partner about how this made you feel, what you need going forward, and what your partner considers to be their boundaries and dealbreakers. Mistakes and accidents do happen, and polyamorous dating does come with some level of risk. But you’re not required to just sweep this under the rug and move on - there is some space between “drop the issue” and “end the relationship,” where you can work out a plan and clarify your boundaries.

Best of luck with your upcoming test; scares like this are incredibly stressful, but it’s good that the parties involved owned up to it and were honest enough with you and your partner so that you can get tested. That, at least, is a good sign.

How much work is this blog, and how can readers support it?

Hi! It amazes me that you post such fantastic, well-thought-out, and nonjudgemental advice/responses every single weekday. How much time do you spend on a blog this big? Are there ways I can support you doing this work? How fast does the ask backlog accumulate?

Aw, shucks! I get lovely fanmail sometimes but rarely do I get letters that are both fanmail and questions I can answer. Thank you so, so much!

Each Ask Polyamory entry takes me anywhere between 20 minutes to an hour. I also spend a lot of time sifting through the letters I get, identifying which ones are good candidates for the blog, and managing my eternally overflowing inbox. And there’s general maintenance to make sure the website & tumblr cross-posting & comment section are working well. So I’d estimate that the blog takes around 5ish hours of work per week.

I don’t like to be late or skip a day, so I usually queue up a bunch of posts at a time, which means I do a solid chunk of work in one day and let that carry me through the week. I like to have a queue of ~2 weeks at any given time, but sometimes it runs low or gets up to 4 weeks’ worth, depending on what my life works like. I work one full-time job, one part-time job, and am a single parent, so I try to give myself enough of a buffer that the chaos of my life doesn’t impact my readers!

As for the backlog, it’s hard to say. I cannot, and do not, answer every letter that comes in (see my explanation here.) I don’t think any advice columnist does! But for letters that I do answer, it usually takes 1-3 weeks for an answer to be published. I occasionally bump things around in the queue if a letter seems more time-sensitive, but I try not to set that expectation.

The best way for readers to support me is by reading the blog, sharing it, and linking it wherever people are needing a resource on polyamory! If you’re sending me a question, the best way to help me out is to use the search & FAQ to make sure it hasn’t already been answered, then send it over in a clear and concise way. And, if anyone is able & willing to financially support me, I have a Patreon, where supporters can get stickers & extra content that isn’t posted on the blog!

I want to be in a polyamorous relationship

I’m jealous of a poly relationship. I wish I was a part of it.

I’m not 100% clear from your wording whether there’s a specific polyamorous relationship you want to be part of, or whether you just want to be in a polyamorous relationship.

If there are people in your life who you want to be in a relationship with, it’s okay to pursue that! Flirt with them, invite them out, identify what you have in common. Ask them out!

If they make (or have made) it clear that you’re not interested, it might be healthy for you to take some distance from a situation that makes you feel jealous or left out. Hang out with them less, find other friendships and hobbies to invest in, unfollow them on social media.

If you’re interested in dating polyamorously even if you don’t get to date specific people, check out my page on finding polyamorous people to date!

My partner wants to get back with her ex, which I believe puts her at risk of getting hurt

One of my girlfriend's exes popped back up in her life and wants to date her. Exclusively. If that's what she wants I'd never stop her, but he's an addict that rides the sobriety line constantly. This factor has hurt her in the past and I don't want her to go through that pain again. Should I tell her I don't feel comfortable with her dating him because of his past? Or am I being controlling?

If he wants to date her “exclusively,” then she’d have to leave you for him, in which case, none of this would be your circus nor your monkeys. Of course you would “never stop her,” because it is impossible to stop someone from dating someone else, and it’s inappropriate to try.

It is not controlling to give advice, to remind her that he has hurt her in the past, and to encourage her to really think through what she wants and what choices are most likely to get here there. You can tell her that because you care about her, you’d recommend against this; that if you were her, you wouldn’t do it, etc. But people are going to make the decisions that they are going to make, and it’s ultimately not within your control, no matter how right, or persuasive, you are.

If I’ve misread your use of the term “exclusively” and the situation you’re being pitched is one in which she dates both of you, it’s within your rights to say “I’m not comfortable dating someone who is dating this guy,” in which case it would be on you to leave the relationship. You’re not threatening to leave her if she dates him, you’re not forcing her to choose - you’re making the best choice for you based on the situation you find yourself in.

My partner's friends are telling her that being polyamorous with me sets her up for hurt and abandonment

I’m married to a man and poly with a woman as well. We just started dating and she said she told her best friends about me and my lifestyle and they freaked! They told her she is going to get hurt and that she should find someone else. I don’t know what to do without having support from the closest people in her life and I don’t want to be seen as a flight risk just because they don’t understand commitment and polyamory. I have no idea how to meet these people eventually without feeling hurt.

This is not actually an actionable problem for you right now. Some people you don’t know, but who know someone you’re close to, are being ignorant. There’s nothing you can do, or should try to do, about that.

Be there for your partner - she’s dealing with the pain of being judged and rejected by her friends. If she asks, help provide her with resources about coming out as polyamorous, or ways she can explain to her friends that what she’s doing is healthy and consensual. But if she doesn’t ask, leave the topic alone. Don’t try to argue with her friends through her.

She may be believing these people, and worrying about the security of your relationship with her. Do what you can to reassure her, through words and actions, that you are safe and committed. Answer her questions when they come up. Don’t get defensive or act like it’s her obligation to either change her friends’ minds, or shut out their opinions completely. Be open, reassuring, and loving.

There is a chance that if these people are adamant enough or close enough to her to be convincing, she could get freaked out and wants to take some distance or leave the relationship, that will be frustrating and painful for you, but even though she’s acting on wrong information that other people are telling her, it’s her choice to make.

Don’t worry so much yet about meeting these friends of hers who you know don’t approve of your place in her life. It doesn’t sound like she’s pushing for that, or like you’re all about to go on a cruise together. If you’re at a social gathering with them, be charming and sweet while keeping enough polite distance to protect your own feelings.

I want to date someone else. My boyfriend seems okay with it, but won't say much.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 6 years, we've talked about having another person in our relationship (always with a she pronoun). Today I brought up a guy that wanted to take me on a date, and asked him if he was okay with it, all I got was a "well if you want to". I do want to see this new guy but don't want to upset my partner either. What do you think I should do?

It sounds like it’s just you who would be dating this new guy. That means that the third person is not “in your relationship.” There is a new relationship that would form. This is generally called V-shaped or “Vee” polyamory. It’s important to have the right language for what you’re feeling and doing, because that can help you frame it in an accurate way, approach it without assumptions or misunderstandings, and point you to helpful resources.

Polyamory requires open and honest communication. “Well, if you want to” does not qualify. You need to talk to your boyfriend about his best-case and worst-case scenario, as well as yours. What do you want out of this? How do you feel? How does he feel? What might change between you two? What are dealbreakers for each of you? What questions do both of you have?

If he’s not willing or able to have this kind of conversation, then he’s probably not someone able to be in a healthy polyamorous or open relationship.

I feel wholly responsible for carrying the mental load of my entire polycule

I am the "glue" in my polycule (their words, not mine, though I agree with them), and it requires a LOT of emotional energy, scheduling, etc and I feel like the lot falls to me. When I'm low-energy, it feels like the polycule is in "danger" because I feel this pressure. I'm positive that other poly folk have felt this way! What do I do to cultivate my own security (cause this is a me problem)??

Wow, it’s been a while since I got a letter that could have been written by me. I totally feel you, Letter Writer! I’ve been there; I am there.

Part of it is recognizing where that desire and behavior comes from, for you. You mention security, and that’s a huge thing for me. (I’m an Enneagram 6, if that sort of thing helps you give language to the situation - my core need is to feel secure). I’m a Type A control freak, and planning everything is a great way to be in control, but then people get used to you planning things, and it can get exhausting. I try to recognize when I’m doing something because I genuinely enjoy it, and when I’m doing something out of a draining sense of obligation.

It’s okay to try to “wean” people off their social/emotional dependence on you. It’s hard, but totally worth it. Next time you’re feeling down, if people are over at your house, it’s totally okay to say “y’all are welcome to keep hanging out, I’m going to go lie down and have some me time. You know the wi-fi password and where to get drinks. Peace.” I’ve done that before, and the first few times it’s nerve-wracking, but it usually works out fine. And the more times it works out fine, the more reassured you can feel next time.

If people try to wheedle you back into doing the work, or seem lost and confused without you, hold your boundary and let them figure it out. Often, feeling responsible for the group’s cohesion is a self-fulfilling prophesy, and when you let yourself let go of that responsibility, people will be a bit directionless for a bit, then they’ll figure out how to manage themselves.

But be careful - when you do this, it can be very tempting to passively sabotage things to prove to yourself and everyone how critical but under-appreciated you are. Don’t just neglect to plan dinner and then wallow in how everyone will starve without you. Let your people know that you won’t be able to shop and cook, and that someone else will need to orchestrate dinner for movie night. But then, don’t hold their hand through it, making them a shopping list, texting them reminders to go to the store, and running out to get some backup snacks just in case. If it falls through, it won’t be your fault. Don’t play the “clearly you’re useless without me” martyr, just give some guidance about what it actually takes to plan, shop, and prep dinner.

You’ll need to be explicit about what you need them to step up and do. “Look, folks, I’m not feeling up to the task of choosing a board game, corralling everyone to play, and teaching it. But I also don’t want the evening to devolve into a boredom-mope-flop session. Can someone else please take point on organizing a board game?” Or, “There’s a 3-day weekend coming up, and I know some of us were talking about going camping. I don’t have it in me right now to find a camping spot, book the spot, organize carpools, make sure we have enough tents, and plan a grocery list. But I’ll show up to whatever y’all plan. Who’s willing to set this up?”

It will be an adjustment, because in many ways being the “glue” for a group of people feels good, and empowering, and letting go of that control means giving up some of the good with the bad. But if you’re clear and intentional about it, you can make that subtle shift.

I don’t know the gender makeup of your polycule, but this article does a good job articulating the sort of emotional and psychological labor that certain people end up doing to keep relationships and households running - it might help you find some language or definition for what you’re struggling with.

Are lifestyle power dynamics compatible with polyamory?

What do you think of combining lifestyle power dynamics like dom/sub or master/slave with polyamory? I feel like they are mutually exclusive, almost polar opposites, but can't quite explain why.

They are not mutually exclusive or polar opposites. In fact, there is a huge overlap between people who practice both. This is partly philosophical: both involve a rejection of arbitrary social norms around sex and relationships, and the communities have such a large overlap that you are exposed to, and educated about, one wherever the other is. And it’s partly practical: kink encompasses lots of different things, and polyamory allows kinksters to explore more niche or specific kinks without putting pressure on a single partner’s boundaries. Plus belonging to a community that’s so open about sex makes it easier to make sexual or romantic connections within your social group.

It can be confusing, because I often talk about polyamory as a radical rejection of capitalistic norms whereby relationships are seen in terms of property ownership. Therefore, a relationship founded on terms like “slave ownership” would be mutually exclusive, right?

The thing about “lifestyle” power dynamics is that even for the most hardcore kinksters who “live the lifestyle 24/7,” it is, ultimately, a fantasy - the people involved remain people with whole, complex lives. So while literally owning another person as your chattel would be incompatible with polyamory, people who live a BDSM lifestyle are not literal, actual slaves and slaveowners. Those are convenient terms and symbols to reflect what they really want out of their relationship, but the actual reality of a “master/slave” relationship is not “slavery” in the economic, exploitative way that word is typically used.

For some people, polyamory is incompatible with their BDSM relationship - monogamy is a core aspect of the “ownership” dynamic. That’s a perfectly reasonable way to practice lifestyle BDSM! But for other people, polyamory is part of their BDSM practice. For some submissives, being “shared” (or lent, rented, etc.) at the whims of their partner is part of the thrill and contributes to the fantasy of being owned. For some Dominants, having multiple submissives is part of the fun, and those submissives often enjoy each other’s company as part of the fantasy, with elaborate sub-hierarchies, rivalries, and solidarities.

So it might seem incompatible to you because of a misunderstanding of how the power exchange really works within these types of relationships - there are tons of blogs out there where people document their lifestyle relationships and fantasies, so check those out if you want a more comprehensive look. Or, it just might feel incompatible to you because of how you experience your desires for ownership, in which case, it’s totally fine to be a monogamous kinkster!

Some short, FAQ-answerable questions

my significant other recently came out as Poly to me. I understand them but while looking up what it means to be poly I found the term Polygamy I was wondering what it means because all the dictionary and google searches for its meaning say pretty much the same thing that its a marriage between more than two people. While searching I found the term Polygamist and I was wondering are Polygamy and polygamist the same thing? I don't want to offend them and you’re good at explaining stuff like this.

Polyamory and polygamy are not the same thing. Polyamory is a way of being in relationships that prioritizes consent, intentionality, and communication. Polygamy is the institution of plural marriage, typically associated with oppressive cults. You can read more about that here. The term you should be searching and reading about is “polyamory” - that should lead you into corners of the internet where you won’t be getting confused. Start with the resources here.

How can I find people who would actually like to be in a poly relationship?

Check my FAQ page on this here!

Hi! I was wondering if we could talk pm!

I’m sorry, but no. You can read about my policy here.

I've sent in several questions over the past year and not seen them answered. Is this a case of Tumblr eating them, or are you just really busy? How long is your queue? I love what you do and don't mean to complain. I'm just wondering.

I answer this here!

I think I might be poly but I'm not sure. As of right now I am happy in a mono relationship, but I do not think I would be opposed to being in a poly relationship. I have had crushes on more then one person at a time and even have one now while in a mono relationship I am happy in. What is your take on this, and do you have any advice on how I could figure this out?

Here’s my FAQ page on this!

My boyfriend got back with his ex, who I think is very bad for him

My boyfriend is poly, he has gotten a new boyfriend recently and he’s dated this boy in the past, he’s broken my boy so many times and apparently he’s gone to relationship counseling to fix himself. My boyfriend insists he has changed after three months of the counseling, they got back together a few days ago. He asked me if I was comfortable with him dating two other people I said this was fine but I didn’t ask who they were and finding out he’s with this guy again upsets me.

There first issue here is that your boyfriend seems to be lying by omission, saying “are you okay with me dating someone?” knowing that your answer will be “yes” in the general case, and neglecting to mention that it was this specific person. You need to make sure there’s an open line of communication between the two of you about your relationship, new partners, and concerns either of you have. If this is a pattern, you need to figure out whether he’s being evasive because he feels unsafe being honest with you, or just to avoid an unpleasant conversation, or what.

You can’t change your boyfriend’s mind about dating this person - but you can control how you respond to it. You can decide that this person is just not someone you want to be polyamorously connected to, and choose to leave the relationship if it means having him as a metamour. You could decide that you’re not willing to discuss this person with your boyfriend, and that includes advice, comfort, venting, anything. You could decide that you don’t want to be around this person. But all of those are your choices, based on the information you have: that your boyfriend is going to date this person, despite your objections.

Consider also checking your language: you say he has “broken” “your” boy, and that might signal some extremity in your perspective. Your boyfriend has not been “broken” - it’s pretty difficult to actually “break” a person - he may have been hurt, disappointed, angry, frustrated, sad, etc. Using clear, specific terms for feelings helps us address them better. And he is not “your boy” - he is his own person, and his relationships with other people are mostly his business. I don’t doubt you that this person is emotionally dangerous, but don’t make it worse with language that frames your reaction in extreme terms that make things harder, not easier, to address and resolve.

Instead of talking about what this person has “done to your boyfriend,” focus on the impact it’s having on your - “seeing my boyfriend so hurt makes me miserable, and I don’t want to be in this situation, having this person as a metamour is not right for me.” That’s a much better framing, because it focuses on what you can control in your responses.

I left my boyfriend because he cheated on me. He's now twisting the story such that I'm the bad guy for being bigoted against poly people.

I walked in on my boyfriend with another woman and I then and there broke up with him for cheating, something I told him at the beginning of our relationship told him was a straight red card for me. I moved out of our shared apartment and have tried to cut off contact, at least for the time being to get past my hurt. He claims now that he is poly and I am being intolerant and that was wrong to break up with him because of it and especially to label it as infidelity. He’s even gotten some of our mutual friends on board with his defense, telling me if he’s poly what he did was not cheating and I need to get over it and apologize for calling him a cheater. I do try to be tolerant. I have no issues with people who want to be in polyamorous relationships, but I know they aren’t for me. Him being poly was never something he communicated to me in the 6 years we were together, I wouldn’t not have entered into a relationship with him if he had. Is what he did cheating? Or am I being ignorant?

Wow. The cojones on that guy. This nonsense would be funny if it wasn’t so maddening. I don’t want to make this about me instead of you, but fuck do people like this give polyamory a bad name and make me want to explode with baffled rage.

You are not ignorant. You did everything right. You knew your boundaries and stuck to them. He is 100% in the wrong. There is no grey area or wiggle room in the situation you described.

This guy is an absolute disaster. Of course what he did was cheating. Do not second guess yourself on this. Do not look back. Cut ties with all those “mutual friends.” Find new friends. All I want for you is joy and fun. Do everything that makes you happy. Be self indulgent. I’d send you on a cruise if I had the money.

I’m being so blunt here because I think, from your letter, that you know how absurd his argument is, and just wanted a sanity check because you’re being massively gaslit right now. If you want me to actually dive into why he’s wrong, why “tolerance” does not obligate you to accept horrible behavior from people, why this counts as cheating - send me a follow up.

I'm a writer looking for polyamorous people to consult

Hello there! Sorry to bother but I am a writer and some of my characters (not the main ones but still important) are a triad and I want to write them as respectfully as possible, so I was wondering if I could ask you some questions or if you knew of some blogs that would be okay with me asking them questions.

Here’s a good place to start - a post where I answer a nearly identical question. If you want to interview some people with specific questions, check the reblogs on the tumblr version, or the comments on the main site, to find volunteers. To readers: if you want to help this person out, let them know in reblogs or main site comments!

I'm part of a triad, but people only ever invite 2/3 of us to their weddings

This summer our girlfriend moved in with us. We were last minute invited to the wedding of a girl my husband and I have known for 20 years, and when I enquired about a third seat I was told no. My husband still attended while I refused to. But I eventually just put it down to the fact that she didn't have a lot of time to prepare, we were last minute additions as it was, even "she doesn't get it." I'm not usually bothered by people not understanding because almost everyone I know DOES. So my cousin got engaged and I reached out to him once we learned the wedding is across the country, eight months from now. I explained the situation and was floored when I got the response that they "weren't giving +1's", because she is not inherently less important than my husband. I held back a dozen sarcastic, petty responses - I won't clog up the ask with those - and I think I'll pin our refusal on financial reasons, but I still wish I had better coping skills for this, I guess.

I’m confused - if your cousin isn’t giving +1s, does that mean your husband isn’t invited either? Or that your husband and you were explicitly invited, and neither of you gets a +1, and the assumption is that even single people were asked not to bring anyone not explicitly invited?

The thing about weddings is that they tend to make people go bonkerspants. You don’t know if your cousin’s wife has an Aunt Margarine who will lose her mind if she sees a hint of anything Untraditional, and that they’re worn down and currently unable to pick that fight with her. You don’t know if their budget is super strained to the point that they really just can’t afford any guests besides the people they specifically invited.

I personally wouldn’t pick this fight, or take this too personally. People’s choices around their weddings are usually about them, and the whirlwind of family drama and expectations and nonsense that they’re caught up in, and very rarely a statement on anyone else’s lives. Polyamory is not very well understood by the general populace, and people who are emotionally and financially stretched thin don’t have the ability to parse through the deeply held identities and feelings behind every guest’s extra request.

Your cousin is very likely not intending to say that your girlfriend is “less important” than your husband - he’s trying to set personal and financial boundaries around his own wedding, and in such an emotionally charged situation, it’s easiest to hold to common, if arbitrary, standards around +1s and invitations. I understand that it’s really hurtful to get that message, but not all “messages received” are “messages sent,” so try to give your cousin the benefit of the doubt. It’s okay to decline the invitation, but it’s also okay to talk to your girlfriend about whether she’d be OK having a weekend to herself while you and your husband go catch up with family.

My boyfriend follows sexy instagram models, and I don't like it

My bf (22 m) & I (20 f) have been together for 8 months and we love each other, but he used follow sexy girls on ig private & public pages... I confronted him, and I told him it makes me uncomfortable! I ask him why he does it and he never says the answer only that he stopped following. He did this 3 times until I told him that I wanted space. We talked and we still together but my trust for him is not the same. Did I overreact?

There's a lot going on here. Your question is "did I overreact," and I'd say that's a tricky question to answer on a lot of levels.

Did you overreact to him following sexy girls on instagram? From my perspective, sort of. It's not like he's doing anything besides looking at them. Just about everyone likes looking at sexy people, and that doesn't usually threaten their current relationships. Unless he's comparing them to you, pressuring you to lose weight and contour your butt or whatever sexy instagram ladies are doing these days, it's not super impactful to you.

That said, that's my perspective. You said that it makes you uncomfortable, and you have the right to feel your feelings. You could try to rationalize yourself out of that discomfort, but you're not obligated to, and you might not be able to. You did the right thing by letting your boyfriend know it made you uncomfortable, and clearly outlining what you wanted him to do.

It sounds like he wasn't willing to do what you asked - which is his right! - but he did the wrong thing by promising to stop, then not stopping. If he isn't willing to stop, he should say "I hear that it makes you uncomfortable, but it's not something I'm willing to quit, so we need to talk about whether that's a dealbreaker for this relationship and move forward based on what we figure out."

Instead, it sounds like he kept following them, but told you he didn't. That's dishonesty, and it's going to feel like a betrayal even if it's about a behavior that, itself, isn't super consequential. I don't think it's "overreacting" to be upset when your partner conceals something from you.

But you've chosen to stay with someone who you know is willing to continue doing something you've asked him not to, and is going to lie about it. You say your trust in him is not the same - why are you still dating him? You don't deserve to be dating someone you can't trust; that's a painful place to be in and not a compromise you have to make. 

Ask yourself: 
1.) Am I willing to stay in a relationship with someone who follows sexy instagram models? If not, leave the relationship. If yes, then you need to figure out what your next steps will be to manage these feelings, and address the discomfort. You have to take active steps; don't just passively keep doing something that makes you uncomfortable.

2.) Am I willing to stay in a relationship with someone who lied to me? If not, leave the relationship. If yes, then you need to figure out how to start repairing that trust. Again, you need to actively commit to this choice, not just passively stay in a relationship with this background radiation.

There's also the issue of you wanting him to tell you "why" he follows them, and him being unable to. Maybe he can't articulate why ("I like looking at pretty ladies" might just be the whole story), or maybe he doesn't feel like talking to you about it would be emotionally safe. Think about how you come to the conversation and what you two can do to make it easier and safer to be honest with each other.

I've looked into polyamory, and I really don't think it's for me

i’ve been talking to a guy who is poly and it’s new to me i’ve done research about healthy poly relationships but i still feel like i would never be satisfied in that sort of arrangement. i know a lot of it stems from my own insecurities, jealousy, and traumas, but even past all of that i don’t think i could be happy knowing my partner has other relationships just as intimate as ours. i want to feel special to him like he’s special to me. am i ignorant for wanting to be monogamous?

Nope, you are not ignorant! If sounds like you've done your research and concluded that non-monogamy just would not be healthy for you. That's totally okay! It's important to know yourself, your needs, your limits, your boundaries, your desires - and then to act on that information! That’s actually the opposite of ignorance.

Not every relationship style suits every person. As long as you recognize that this is just how you are, and not how everyone is - that your perception of non-monogamy making things feel less "special" is just how you feel, and not a fact of the universe - you're fine. Don't let anyone make you feel pressured, ignorant, or less-than because of how you prefer to date.

Be honest with the guy you've been talking to, maybe take distance from that new friendship if you need to, and keep looking for someone who shares your monogamous preferences!

One of my metamours treats me, and our mutual partner, terribly

my partner and i are both poly, in non-hierarchal relationships (i have one other partner they have two, and even though we’re not primaries, we’re the more serious relationship) but i Hate one of their parters. he treats me really poorly when we’re all together and i don’t like how he treats them either, but i don’t know how to bring it up without upsetting them cause even though they’re aware of how poorly he treats them and me, they feel like it’s worth it to stay with him and idk what to do.

You can't control your partner's choices or thoughts - but you can control your own behavior. If someone treats you poorly, you can choose not to be around them. Tell your partner "I don't appreciate how Klavfin treats me and makes me feel, so I'm not going to be around him anymore." That's not you setting an ultimatum, or making a demand. You're not saying "stop seeing Klavfin," or "never invite Klavfin to a hangout" - you're just stating what boundaries you're going to hold. 

Your partner might feel frustrated by this, since it's difficult to accommodate around partners who don't like each other, but that's their response to choose. You're giving them information: that you don't want to be around this person. They can respond to that information however they choose.

People may accuse you of "starting drama," but that's not your problem. You get to decide how you want to be treated and who you want to spend time around. If that means you decline an invitation to a dinner, or make yourself scarce when he's around, that's fine! Don't try to get people to pick sides, or start a whisper campaign to oust this guy from your poly network - those usually backfire.

It's frustrating and painful to see your partner stay with someone who, from your perspective, is an ass. And there's a time and place to point out specific behaviors you have an issue with, and remind your partner that they don't deserve to be treated that way. But beyond that, remember that your partner is going to make their own choices, and all you can do is make the best calls for yourself.