I want to date another boy, but my boyfriend isn't okay with it

I entered this relationship monogamously and I fell deeply in love with him before realizing I was poly. we've talked extensively about this and usually it's always along the lines of staying monogamous unless I meet a girl (lmao straight boys) But the thing is im also in love with this other boy. I've been trying to find a way to bring up opening our relationship because i feel like this is borderline cheating but I know he won't go for it. Any advice?

If you "know" he won't go for it, then there's not much advice I can give you. If you're pretty confident that your partner wouldn't be okay with you dating another boy, then there are no magic words you can say, no perfect way to "bring it up" that will change his mind.

Stop worrying about how to influence his choices - the only thing you can control is you. You can act on the information you have. This guy has made it very clear that he wouldn't be okay in a relationship where you are seeing another boy. That doesn't sound like a reality you can change - only something you can respond to.

Do you want to stay with this person? Then it sounds like you'll need to let go of your plans to date this other boy. It is possible to want something and not get it, and in fact a lot of people in monogamous relationships have to actively choose not to act on certain desires. Do you want the freedom to date polyamorously? Then it sounds like you might need to leave your current relationship, because "convince the guy you're seeing to be okay with it" is, by your own admission, not something that will work out. 

(It is true that there are plenty of good arguments, explanations, etc. about why your boyfriend's perspective is perhaps not the most accurate or healthy. But I'm not going to harp on about "one penis policies" and the like, because if he's made it clear to you how he feels, your role now is to make your choices based on that information, not try to wheedle and cajole and argue him out of it.)

My daughter is in a polyamorous relationship, and I'm being a huge jerk about it

Please help - I don't know who to ask! My daughter (27) just told me she's seeing a married man (the same age), and he's "poly", and she's met his wife, who knows all about it and is okay with it! Clearly this man doesn't respect either of them, and I'm upset that she's settling for being someone's bit on the side - I want her to be someone's special person, their everything. I'm so ashamed of her and embarrassed that she thinks this is okay. I don't understand where I've gone so wrong in parenting her, that she's ended up with no moral compass and not understanding the meaning of marriage. But I love her and don't want to lose contact with her.

I've got no-one to talk to - I don't know anyone who lives like this, and I'm worried my friends would judge me and think I've failed as a mother. Obviously we'll never be able to invite this man to family events, and I hate having to lie to my parents, friends etc. I've looked online, but parents in my position just get shouted down, by people who say 'if your kid's happy, what's the problem?', and accuse them of being terrible people for not understanding this "lifestyle". But you look nice so I'm hoping you can give me some advice without just shouting at me!

I'm baffled as to how you think I'll be able to be "nice" and not "just shout" at you when you speak to me like this. You are being rude, judgmental, and cruel. You use very strong language - that you've "gone wrong" in parenting her, that you're "so ashamed of her," that she has "no moral compass." Do you understand that the person you're saying this to is polyamorous? Do you not care how you sound?

If anyone's parents should be ashamed and embarrassed about their child's upbringing and moral compass, it's yours. How do you think it's okay to say such nasty, hurtful things to someone - to me? To come tell me that my life is shameful, immoral, and a failure - and then ask me to do you a favor and to be nice to you? You went into other polyamorous communities and said this stuff, and you're surprised that people reacted negatively!? If you don't want to be shouted at, don't antagonize people.

It's amazing to me that you think this is about what is "moral" or "okay" when you're the one in this situation violating basic human decency. No one is shouting at you for simply being uncomfortable or confused. What we're responding to is you coming into our spaces and communities just to be hateful. Learn how to say "that's different" or "I don't understand" without saying "that's bad, wrong, shameful, and I shouldn't be expected to respond in any way besides vitriolic judgment."

Your daughter is not hurting anyone. She is in a healthy, happy, consensual relationship. You should be honored that she trusted you enough to share this part of her life with you. Instead, you are punishing her honesty and pretty much guaranteeing that your relationship with your daughter will become strained. If your daughter wrote to me and described this situation, I would advise her to take a huge step back from her relationship with you until you can be less hurtful.

You can disagree with something without being so extreme as to say that it's immoral and shameful. It doesn't sound like you've put any effort into trying to expand your understanding of love and marriage, you're just horrified that your daughter doesn't share yours. I have no idea what kind of "advice" you want from me, since the advice I'd give you - take a deep breath, realize she's not hurting anyone, try to understand - you've flat-out said you consider "shouting" and will refuse to consider.

What do you want from me? A pat on the back for being so "morally upstanding" that you're going to reject your daughter for simply doing something you wouldn't do yourself? Do you want me to tell you it's okay to be hateful and nasty to your daughter and the people she loves? Do you want me to grovel and plead and try to convince you that polyamorous people are not actually immoral subhumans, and do rhetorical acrobatics to prove to you that we're okay? I don't engage in arguments about my own humanity. And you shouldn't demand them.

You need to think long and hard about whether you feel so strongly about this that you're willing to torch your relationship with your daughter to the ground. Because you're the one doing the torching - she hasn't done anything to you, except invite you to understand and share her life. You can choose to respond with judgment, hate, hurt, selfishness, and ignorance. That's your choice. And the consequences of your choice are on you, not her.

If you're willing to try and see things from her perspective, check out the resources on my FAQ page and read about the reality of polyamory (and how it differs from your warped conception of what it means). It's okay to have questions, to admit that this is new for you, difficult to understand, etc. But dial it back on the hate - or be prepared for the people you're being hateful to to reject you and everything you're saying. (What else would you expect us to do?)

I've been hoping my girlfriend and I will 'graduate' up to monogamy

When I met my girlfriend she was "experimenting with non-monogamy" (her words) I held onto hope that the experiment would end someday. I started as one of her 3 partners, now I'm her boyfriend, and they aren't. We do more than have sex; we've met each other's friends and family. But she still sees them occasionally. They are poly as well, so I know that I am the only 1 truly committed to her. Going from partner to boyfriend is clearly progress in the right direction. Will I ever be enough?

No, no, nope. I am sorry, letter-writer, but you're going about this in a way that's wrong-headed and will ultimately cause you a lot of pain.

You went into the relationship from a place of denial, hoping that your partner wasn't serious when she told you something about herself. You latched onto the word "experiment" and told yourself that it would end. But that's not what she meant, it seems. Sometimes "experiment" means temporary - sometimes it means "checking out a hypothesis." If her hypothesis was "I'll be happy in a non-monogamous relationship," and the experiment showed her hypothesis to be true, then maybe the experimental phase is over, and she's now in "acting on the information gathered during the experiment - living my life as a person who knows she's into non-monogamy." Your first assumption was that the non-monogamy was a temporary phase, and this assumption was wrong - you're acting on an incorrect assumption, and that won't end well. 

You also have this idea that them being polyamorous means that they are not "truly committed to her," and that means that your feelings for her are somehow deeper or different. That is not true, it is not how polyamory works. Your second assumption is that these other relationships she has are lesser, less committed, less threatening, less real. That is also an incorrect assumption that you're working on. You're also assuming that you are "not enough" for your girlfriend, and are interpreting all of her choices through a lens of projected monogamy that is warping how you understand what's going on.

You also have a sense that your relationship is going in "a direction" toward monogamy, which is "the right" direction. That is also not how these things work. You do not grit your teeth through the 9 stages of non-monogamy, then present your stamp-card for Level 10, Monogamous Boyfriend. Your girlfriend probably doesn't see it this way - you two need to have a serious talk about this. Assuming that this is just a natural, inherent progression in your relationship is a dangerously incorrect assumption, and people will get hurt if you continue on this path. 

It sounds like this is not a healthy relationship for you to be in. It's build on assumptions, denial, and expectations that show no indication of being fulfilled. Your first step is to have a serious talk with your girlfriend about her perspective - and to really listen and understand what she's saying, not filter, interpret, argue, or push her into concessions. ("Could you maybe see yourself with just me, someday?" - If she says yes, she might be thinking, I guess I can't predict the future, there's always 'a chance' of whatever but you might be hearing more of a promise.) After that conversation happens, you'll have a better picture of whether this is a relationship you should stay in, or whether your hopes for the future are just not on the table. 

My friend says they're polyamorous, but is not doing it right

I’m gonna sound hateful or like an anti but please hear me out. My friend has vented to me before that they have issues with commitment and are scared of being in a relationship because it means they’re "trapped", now they’re apparently poly but I feel like they actually aren’t and are just making things worse for themself by dating a bunch of people and keeping it secret from all of them (so each partner thinks they’re the only one) What do I do

You could do nothing, because this isn't your circus or your monkeys. Your friend being wrong and making bad choices is not your problem or responsibility. Maybe they're polyamorous, maybe they're not; it's not your call to make, and being skeptical of someone else's self-stated identity is rarely a good look. 

The bigger issue is their behavior, which is decidedly not polyamorous, but is cheating. Seeing multiple partners who all think they're the only one is immoral and cruel. But, again, there is nothing you're obligated to "do" about this - you did not make this choice and you cannot do anything to change or mitigate it.

You could tell your friend that what they are doing is wrong, and try to convince them to stop. You could take a step back from this friendship, not because you disagree with what they say about themselves, but because their behavior makes you question whether you want to be friends with someone of that character. 

You could get more involved and tell their partners what is going on. Some people feel a moral imperative to tell victims of cheating about the situation. Some people feel strongly that it is not their place or business. Some people just have to decide on a case-by-case basis how much they want to get involved.

You have to figure out whether you want to take a huge step back from this whole mess, or get more deeply entwined by reaching out to the people your friend is cheating on. That would likely torpedo your friendship and establish you as an active participant, emotional baggage handler, mediator, etc. for all the people whose hurt you'll be bringing to the surface. That's your call.

Do you advocate polyadvocy?

Do you advocate polyadvocy?

I have genuinely no idea what that means. It returns zero Google results.

If you mean "polyamory advocacy" in the sense of fighting for laws and other policy changes regarding healthcare, finances, insurance, child custody, adoption, hospital visitation, employment, etc. that serve the needs of polyamorous people and families, absolutely.

If you mean evangelizing polyamory as a relationship style that everyone should adopt, or trying to convince or cajole people into polyamory, absolutely not. There's a time and a place for "hey, there's this thing, it might resonate with you, here's some info about it!" - people deserve access to information that might help them understand themselves and be intentional and healthy about their relationships - but that's where it should end. 

If you mean something else, then I can't answer your question, because I don't understand it.

I'm in a monogamous relationship, but there's someone else in my life I have strong feelings for

I'm in a committed relationship with someone and I know he has plans to marry me. There's another guy I've been friends with for a while and he split my last relationship up (not intentionally - I realized I had really strong feelings for him and we ended up having a little bit of a thing going on, which my ex found out about.) I still love him and always have the urge to kiss him. How do I tell my now partner. Am I poly?

I can't tell you whether you're poly; that's up to you to figure out! I have an FAQ page about that here.

Some people in monogamous relationships do have feelings/urges for other people, and consider it part of their commitment to their partner that they choose not to act on those feelings. Only you can decide for yourself whether having feelings for another person means you should try to change the terms of your existing relationship, or whether you need to take some space from that other person and accept that monogamy often requires work and sacrifice, just like polyamory.

Or, you can decide that these feelings are not something you can, or are willing to, ignore. In that case, it's worth bringing up with your partner. However, be prepared for the possibility that your partner is unwilling to be in a non-monogamous relationship with you. In that case, you'll need to decide how to act on that information from him. If it's a dealbreaker, you'll need to leave the relationship - it'll suck, but at least you learned about this incompatibility issue before you got married.

If you want to say "okay, now I know where you stand, I'm glad I checked," and continue with monogamy, be prepared for your partner to wrestle with some insecurity or jealousy, since this is being brought on by your strong feelings for someone that you've already shown a willingness to cheat with, or leave another partner for. This is a pretty fraught situation, and you'll need to really clarify for yourself whether this is about you realizing that you have the ability to love more than one person and want to be able to pursue that; or you realizing that you just really, really want to be with this one specific person.

It's entirely possible that your friend wouldn't want to be your second partner; or if you leave your current partner for him, that things wouldn't work out with him anyway. Try to maintain clear lines between "I want to try non-monogamy" and "I really want to date this particular guy" and know what you are, and are not, willing to sacrifice to pursue one or the other.

I was dumped by a polygroup a few months ago, and it still hurts

My polygroup dumped me - like they're all dating and I'm just out of the picture. It was at least a couple months ago and I don't even see them in person like at all anymore but I'm still hurting. I want to be over it, but for some reason I find myself still getting sad and angry when I see reminders of them.

Friend, this is entirely normal! Getting dumped by one person is miserable enough - getting dumped by an entire group is going to hurt like nobody's business. You have my deepest sympathies.

This is not really a problem with a solution besides "wait it out." You're already doing the right things by not seeing them in person and trying not to wallow in the sadness, but a few months is NOT much time to get over such a painful breakup!

Be patient and gentle with yourself. Give yourself grace and tenderness when you're sad and angry. Nothing is wrong with you for feeling this way. It's not that you're sad and angry "for some reason" - you're sad and angry because a really sad, maddening thing happened to you! It's okay, and you're okay.

Find distractions - whether it's rearranging your hamster's cage or getting back into playing The Sims or hitting a local concert or foraging for mushrooms. Reach out to friends who are not connected to that group of people. Indulge in some comforts. Consider talking to a therapist or an informal support/venting chat or forum. And know that you will get through this. 

Is my friend's proposal for an open relationship a good idea?

I have a friend and he is 23. He has not had much experience dating girls, but has had a serious relationship with a person whom is 32. Anyways he was caught cheating on her, they sort of broke up but are now they are looking into polyamory. Question is, he had asked her about it and she said to bring someone home to see if she is ok with it? He really thinks it would help them and she is long distance, while she only wants to be with him, even if this makes him depressed. Is this such a good idea?

1.) He was not "caught cheating on her," he cheated on her. Beware of using passive voice to let yourself or others off the hook for their own actions.

2.) It is never okay to "bring someone home to see" if polyamory works out. That person is another human being, with feelings and experiences. They are not an experiment. It is cruel to use them to test out your relationship. Dragging a third person into this is not appropriate. If there's a hill you choose to die on when talking to your friend, it should be this one.

3.) If "she only wants to be with him," then they shouldn't be polyamorous. If the terms of the relationship make him depressed, he shouldn't be in this relationship. Polyamory does not help solve problems with existing relationships and will not fix the issues with cheating, long-distance, or depression. 

This is not a good idea, but:

4.) None of this matters, because you're not the one making the call. Your friend is going to make his own choices, and it's very rare that someone listens to their friends when they tell them a certain relationship is a bad idea. You can advise and support your friend, but you can't control how and who he dates. Writing to a third-party advice columnist about a choice someone else is making will accomplish nothing but making you feel righteously frustrated. Try to disinvest yourself from this situation, don't take it personally when he ignores your advice, and get out of the drama splash zone.

What's an alternative phrase for "don't ask, don't tell"?

I have in the past communicated to my partners that i don't navigate polyamory that is "don't ask, don't tell." it's a useful phrase that gives everyone a baseline for understanding. however i personally think it's a despicable phrase and want to stop using it. is there another succinct way to describe polyam where partners don't openly share information?

I've never heard one - DADT seems to be the primary way people describe this type of arrangement - but here are some I just made up:

Omission Without Lies (OWL) - essentially this acknowledges that it's okay, or even desired, to omit details about other relationships, and that "lies of omission" are not considered lies. But active lies are not okay. So I might say "I can't hang out Saturday, I have plans" instead of "I have a date" - but if you ask me explicitly what I'm doing on Saturday, I won't say "meeting my Nana for bridge."

Need To Know Basis (NTKB) - acknowledges that there are some things that your partners just might need to know, like that you're busy Saturday, or that you're too sore for kinky sex this weekend after a scene with someone else. But nothing is shared without a need or reason to be shared.

Firewall Polyamory - refers to a "firewall" between all your relationships, where they don't affect or influence or have anything to do with each other. 

I'm in a triad and no longer want to date one of the people, but want to stay with the other one

I'm in a triad with a male Dom and female Dom, with me being the sub. They were a couple first. I tend to value independence in my Dominants, but the male Dom is almost 30 and still expects his mom to do his laundry, drive him, shopping, provide housing, cook, etc. There's no disability related reason preventing him from caring for himself, he simply chose to prioritize other things over his independence. He's finally moving out (not by choice) and ranted at both of us about how his mom packed for him as well as other things she "did wrong". This ranting is a pattern and usually sounds entitled and misogynistic.

Both of us got sick of it and separately told him he should stop expecting her to do things. He withheld emotional love from the other female and twisted what I said; as well as denied saying things I have proof in text he said previously. Honestly, after all this, I lost the spark I had for him completely; I don't find him attractive and worry he's being emotionally abusive in private to the other woman. I still care about the woman and am completely lost what to do. Address my concerns he's emotionally abusive with her privately? Break up with both of them? Propose staying with her and cutting him out? 

It sounds like you should end this relationship with him, period. You don't want to, and should not, continue dating him. It's up to your other partner whether she wants to continue dating you outside of the triad. You can ask her how she feels about that, and see what her concerns and hopes are.

You should not try and convince or cajole her into breaking up with him. Never give an ultimatum like "break up with him, or I'll break up with you." You can explain your concerns, give examples of his behavior that you find troubling, and be clear about why you no longer want to be in a relationship that includes him. She can then make her own choices. 

Obviously, the triad is over, but if you continue dating her, you'll need to be clear with her and with yourself about how comfortable you are with having him as a metamour (partner-of-partner) and how involved you're willing to be in any sex, conversations, hangouts, etc. where he's around. You may also need to draw clear boundaries around discussing him with her, especially in terms of his rants, drama, and manipulative behavior. 

It may simply not be possible to make a new relationship work with her, and that's frustrating and disappointing, but it happens. It is absolutely not worth continuing to put up with this guy just to stay with this woman, especially if staying with her means you continue to be emotionally or sexually wrapped up in his nonsense.

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My partner isn't affectionate to me when his other partner is around

I’ve been dating this guy casually for a year or so, and he has a partner that he’s been with for almost 10 years. They’re a wonderful couple and we speak openly about our relationships together, but when she’s around he doesn’t flirt with me at all. I know I’m not the main girl, but it sucks being treated differently just in front of her. Do I ask for more attention or should I just look for attention else where? How do I not offend anyone and address this in a formal manner?

Healthy polyamory, and healthy relationships of all types, are about communication! This is totally something that's valid to bring up. Be specific and focus on what's observable. "Hey, whenever we're around Esmeretta, you never call me 'babe'/kiss me/hold my hand/etc. and that's starting to bother me. Is that something specific you two have negotiated, or is this something we can talk about and work on?"

It's possible that he's doing it subconsciously or just assuming that it would be more comfortable for everyone if he acted in this way. A little more intentionality and awareness is never a bad thing! 

Don't just assume that because you've been dating him for less time that you're "not the main girl." Polyamorous relationships don't need to be ranked - you can both be on a 'level' where you have his flirty and affectionate attention. Don't relegate yourself to a place where you don't get to ask for what you want because you think that's how things are set up. 

If he comes right out and tells you that it's intentional - that he, or she, or both of them are uncomfortable with him being flirty while she's around - then you have to decide whether you want to be in an arrangement where, after dating someone for a year, you still don't get the type of attention you want because of another person's preferences. 

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A documentary said all polygamy is abusive, but isn't most polyamory healthy and consensual?

Hello my grandmother is watching this show called "Escaping Polygamy" with me now about a giant polygamist cult that has camps all over the us and it absolutely horrible what is happening to these women. Abuse, rape, incest, marriage to minors, etc. This show makes it seem that all of polygamy is abusive which is not true at all most relationships are understanding, healthy, and consensual. How do I explain this when I don't fully understand myself?

Polygamy as practiced by these dangerous cults is NOT the same as polyamory as practiced by consenting adults. I discuss the differences here. A lot of people find it easier to see the difference in things when there are different words for them. "Polygamy" is not the same as "polyamory," so you can start there. Polygamy carries connotations of cults, forced marriage, abuse, misogyny, etc. and polyamorous people do not use that word.

What you and your grandma saw in that show is real, and it's horrible. It is the truth of polygamous cults. Child marriage, patriarchal oppression of women, and sexual abuse are wrong in every way, and we should advocate against them. The show is correct that "all of polygamy is abusive" if we give over the term "polygamy" to those oppressive cults, which we've generally decided to do. Polyamorous people do not believe the same things, do the same things, or defend any of what the polygamous cults do. 

Polyamory means "many loves," and it involves freely consenting adults living in love, joy, community, and freedom. It has nothing to do with religious or cult-based polygamy, and is in many ways the polar opposite! 

It's sort of like saying "violence against your partner is always abuse and never okay" and also saying "consensual impact play in BDSM is healthy and fine." Both statements are true; they don't overlap, one does not need to yield or make excuses for the other. They are two completely different things, and it's important to be able to recognize the differences. We can honor the pain and reality of the victims of polygamous cults, and honor the freedom and health of consenting polyamorous adults, without having to hedge, make excuses, or compromise.

I'd encourage you to read through some of the introductory resources on my FAQ page, so you can have more examples, terms, and arguments for healthy polyamory next time it comes up. But don't feel like you have to equivocate or defend the disgusting practices of polygamous cults; it's not relevant in this case. 

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I don't want to be polyamorous, and my partner is guilting me about it

My partner is making me feel bad that I’d like to stay monogamous with them and have our romantic relationship be that one. They talk about having to use daydreaming to cope and read fanfiction as well and will do it with me there when I want to try and do stuff with them like hanging out and relaxing together. It just makes me uncomfortable that they have to do it to cope as they put it and we have discussions but it more and more seems to be a “you have to accept this” situation.

If someone asks you for something, and then won't take "no" for an answer, they weren't really asking in the first place.

It's one thing for a partner to ask for a compromise, like that you be okay with them indulging in polyamorous fantasies and fanfiction. But spacing out, ignoring you, or getting lost in any media while they're hanging out with you isn't cool. Ask them if they could put the phone down or try to be more present to you during your time. If they can't or won't, then that's information you have about what being in a relationship with them is like.

I've said before that I really dislike the phrase "cope with" as it relates to a partner's needs or behaviors. If your partner is treating you like something they have to find ways to "cope with," that's an unfair and unhealthy framing. Performing how miserable they are in the terms of your relationship is manipulative, and no one should be guilt-tripped into polyamory. I'm of the opinion that living in resentment is never good, and if you make a decision, you should make it wholeheartedly, and commit.

One of my partners is terribly allergic to cats, so I can't get a cat. If I did, he wouldn't be able to come over to my house, ever, or even cuddle with me without me showering and changing first. This bums me out, because I like cats - but I've decided that it's worth it to stay with him. So I live with that decision, and don't wallow in the "what-if"s. I don't show him photos of cute kittens and say "see, that's what I could have if it wasn't for your issues." I don't bemoan my cat-less life. If having a cat was that important to me, I could leave the relationship. I decided not to - that was my decision, and I need to own and live in that decision. I can be privately bummed out that the stars didn't align for me to have this relationship AND a kitty, but I made my choice, and it's best to move on and live in the world that exists. 

So, you're within your rights to ask your partner to drop this issue, to stop guilting you and making it seem like your relationship is this terrible psychic burden they must cope with. If they can't or won't, you should probably leave the relationship. It's not fair to either of you to stay in this situation, and you don't deserve to feel like a problem to be dealt with.

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My boyfriend wants me to be comfortable trying polyamory, but I am not

My boyfriend wants to have a poly relationship and I've expressed how uncomfortable it would make me. He says he wants me to be comfortable and trusting enough to do it. I'm afraid that if we end up trying it, that I won't like it and he'll continue and I'll be uncomfortable.

When you say that he wants you to be comfortable enough to do it, I'm not sure if you mean he's said "I want to do this, but only if you're comfortable with it" or "I want you to become comfortable with this."

The first one is fine; he's told you what he wants, but seems to understand that you don't want that. If you're not able or willing to try polyamory, that's totally your right. He can decide to stay in a mono relationship with you, or decide he has to leave the relationship because being able to pursue polyamory is a dealbreaker for him.

The second one is less fine. You don't get to just ask someone to have a feeling; we don't have little knobs inside our brain we can fiddle with and get ourselves to the settings that someone wants us to have. If he is trying to pressure or guilt you into "being comfortable" with something you simply aren't comfortable with, that's not okay. Tell him to drop the issue, and if he won't, leave him.

Your last sentence also concerns me. You're dating someone who, somehow, through his actions or words, has made you worry that he'd continue doing something even if you're uncomfortable with it. It has nothing to do with polyamory - if my boyfriend invited me to try rock climbing with him, but I was worried that if I tried it and didn't like it, he'd continue to pressure me into doing it, not accept my expression that I didn't want to anymore, and try to hold me permanently to my initial willingness to try it out, that would be a major red flag that he just isn't healthy to date.

It's completely fine to try something in good faith, then realize, based on what you learned while trying it, that you don't like it. If someone won't accept that, or bulldozes over your feelings, they are not someone you should be dating. Do not be with someone who makes you worry that they won't listen to or respect how you feel. 

An anonymous media request re: "stigma" and "oppression"

Hi there. I'm a writer for a lifestyle site called MEL Magazine, and I'm working on a piece about how the poly community portrays the stigma against it. While I agree that anti-poly stigma exists, there's a troubling trend of some poly people likening it to homophobia, racism, and other prejudices people may think of as incomparable. Do you see polyamorous people as literally being denied civil rights or oppressed by state power? Or are a few individuals playing the victim?

Okay, I wasn't originally going to even answer this, because I find it obnoxious for a number of reasons. It seems very odd for a magazine writer to reach out to me with an anonymous tumblr message rather than an email - I've done media requests and interviews and given quotes before, but generally, the journalist contacts me through email and we can chat back and forth, answer questions, clarify, etc. But in order to answer you, I have to post this publicly and anonymously.  Despite this, I decided to answer it, so here you go:

You've got both a strawman and a false dichotomy in your question.

First off, you cite a "troubling trend of some poly people" saying something, but you don't actually cite any examples. I'm active in the polyamorous community, both online and in a very polyam-friendly area, and I do not hear this. Ever. Something you heard someone say, or something you saw floating around tumblr, is not enough to put words in an entire community's mouth. You're making up a position to respond to that just doesn't exist, which is called straw-manning and is a fallacious, irresponsible way to start out.

I googled "polyamory stigma" and the first page is full of results where people have realistic, even-handed discussions of the problems and stigma that polyamorous people do face, without needing to make spurious comparisons to other types of oppression. It is true that polyamorous people face rejection from families and friends as well as a lack of access to healthcare, financial security, legal protections, hospital visitation, and child custody issues. It is also true that there is not a history of institutional violence against polyam people the way there has been against women, people of color, and LGBT people. Those facts can co-exist.

Someone's struggle can be real and valid without needing to compare it to other, different struggles. And that's the second issue: you have a false dichotomy in your question. You're trying to put words in my mouth and force me to either say something ridiculous and critiquable - that polyam people are "literally being denied civil rights" on the scale of Jim Crow or somesuch - or to turn me against other (alleged) people in my community and make me dismissively accuse them of "playing the victim." I will not be quoted saying either, despite your attempt to force me into this unfair either-or.

If you want me to respond to a genuine position someone else is taking, then cite and quote it. But it should be a legitimate source, not something someone told you once. People are out there saying all kinds of ridiculous things, I'm sure - but being part of a minority group doesn't obligate me to speak for, or defend, everything everyone else is saying. I'm not responsible for managing the entire discourse around polyamory and oppression, and it's disingenuous of you to try and make me out to be.

I'd be happy to speak with you about specific issues I've faced in my career, family, community, and healthcare as a result of my polyamory - but you'd need to ask me more clearly and responsibly.

Here is some reading you can do to get a better sense of what this "troubling trend" really looks like:

How do we handle health insurance and other legal/financial issues as a polyamorous household?

My husband and I are married. We want to add our third to our insurance and things like that but what is the best way to make sure she is covered? Can she be covered?

For multipartner households, things like child custody, health insurance, hospital visitation, join finances, etc. can be challenging. If you feel comfortable, try checking to see if your employer has a program that lets you ask legal and financial questions of a professional - most large companies have these. Your health insurance company may also have a contact line where you can ask questions like this.

Some polyamorous families create LLCs or other types of 'business' organizations to manage insurance and finances. I personally can't give much info about this, since I've never done it; I do all my insurance, taxes, etc. as a 'single' person. Hiring a lawyer or accountant to help you get this all sorted out could really be worth it!

Here are some resources about polyamory and legal/financial issues:

My partner is going through a divorce - what now?

My partner is currently going through a divorce. What the hell do I do?

That question is probably best posed to your partner. Ask them what they need from you to get through this tough time. Maybe they need patience on your part and an acceptance that you'll see less of them while they hunker down and deal with this. Maybe they need a soft shoulder and someone to vent to. Maybe they need cheerful, upbeat distractions from someone who isn't involved and doesn't need to talk constantly about the divorce logistics. 

You also need to make sure you're getting your needs met during this high-stress time. Your partner probably won't be able to do a bunch of emotional labor for you, so you'll need to find somewhere to 'dump out' while you 'comfort in.' Friends, a therapist, a hobby, other partners - make sure you've got outlets as well. 

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I'm okay with my partner seeing other people, but he's secretive about it, which makes me feel like he's cheating

Do you consider it cheating when your partner hides the fact they have other partners? My partner is poly but he often hides when he's started a new relationship or he hides how serious the relationships are and this has really damaged my trust in him. I'm not sure if it can be considered cheating since he is in fact poly but I don't think it's okay for him to hide these other partners? What is your opinion?

There is no standard "cheating" that you can measure various behaviors against. For some people, this wouldn't feel like cheating - but it feels that way to you, and it's not a dynamic you want in your relationship. That's what matters.

Talk to your partner about this issue. Tell him that he does not need to hide his relationships, and that when he does, it feels sketchy and cheat-y. Let him know that you're okay with things as long as they're out in the open.

Ask him if there's anything you've done or said that makes him feel like he should be doing this. Figure out why he seems to be more comfortable hiding and downplaying his other relationships. Work out a way that's safe and comfortable for both of you to be open and honest.

If he's not willing to do this - if he denies that he's been hiding things from you, or says that's just how he wants to do things, or insists you're overreacting or have no right to be annoyed when you find out he's been lying by omission (or straight up lying) - end the relationship, because he's not someone you can be in a healthy polyamorous relationship with. 

My partner insists on dating other people, which makes me miserable

my girlfriend cheated on me with one of our friends. she told me before she cheated that she had feelings for him, but i told her i was not comfortable with it because i am mono and feel horrible about the idea of her with someone else but she kissed him anyways. she now has decided she is dating both of us without my consent. i really do not want to leave our relationship, we both love each other so much and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and i feel like leaving would endanger both mine and her lives. she is not mentally stable but sees a therapist. i don't know what to do, because she says she needs both of us to be happy, but if that happens i’m going to be increasingly depressed. i’m just so lost right now and there doesn’t seem to be any way to solve this.

Your partner cheated on you, is trying to force you into polyamory without your consent, and is holding your emotions hostage by saying that you being happy is a "need" that somehow she deserves to have met. You know that staying in this relationship on these terms will make you "increasingly depressed." Friend, you've got to leave this relationship.

What you want to keep is your ideal, best-case-scenario possibility of this relationship, not the reality of it. What you're holding onto doesn't exist anymore. The sooner you get out, the sooner you can start healing.

It is not okay, and not healthy, to be held hostage to implied, or explicit, threats of suicide. You are not obligated to stay with someone just because their mental health would be impacted by you leaving. It's okay to call your partner's therapist and see if they can help you and her through this; or to ask your partner if you can come to a session with her. You also absolutely need to see someone yourself - please find a therapist asap. Reach out to friends for support. Don't get dragged into a spiral of managing her mental health for her; if she threatens self-harm or suicide, connect her to her therapist, a hotline, or a friend, and then take space. 

Check out my mental health resources here, and good luck getting out of this situation. You don't deserve to feel so trapped and unhappy.

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Why don't I feel pretty or sexy anymore when I'm with my partner?

Why don't I feel pretty or sexy anymore when I'm with my partner?

I have genuinely no idea; I am not psychic! 

Think about what usually makes you feel sexy, and ask your partner for more of that! Whether it's flirty touches, compliments, specific types of sexual behaviors, etc. Sometimes couples just fall into a 'routine' and it can take some intentional effort to re-ignite the sexy spark. But you gotta identify what creates that spark for you!

Consider getting a bit out of your comfort zone and trying something new together, like taking sexy photos, shopping for a new sex toy or lingerie, getting a couple's massage, going to a sexy event together, sexting each other, etc.

Consider what else might be affecting your sense of self and what you can do to improve your self-esteem independently of your partner. I often feel less sexy when I'm tired or stressed, so think about whether therapy, a lifestyle change, or just some patience through a tough time could help. Some people really enjoy how they feel about their bodies when doing dance, yoga, or martial arts.  

If, after you've tried talking to your partner, putting some effort into re-igniting that spark, and finding your inner sense of sexiness, you still feel like this around your partner, it might not be a healthy relationship to stay in. Partners should make you feel precious, cherished, and wanted - and if your partner can't or won't do that, that's not okay.

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