I have really bad anxiety and depression and whenever my partner is away or not responding I start getting really negative thoughts and thinking they’re with someone else and ignoring me because they think this other person is better than me and it’s really messing with me and my relationship. What can I do to make this go away?

Ooh! I know this one! The answer is therapy. Specifically DBT and/or CBT designed to address anxiety, obsessive thoughts, and intrusive thoughts. This is a well documented phenomenon and we have lots of tools to help address it! Talk to a professional for help, and in the meantime, you can also find self-help workbooks and apps for this. Check my resources here! 

Do you have any resources or tags that deal with having personality disorder and being in a poly relationship?

Here is my resource page on mental health and polyamory! As far as I can recall, the only personality disorder I have fielded questions on is borderline personality disorder, and you can check my “bpd” tag if that is relevant for you.

Most of the resources I found also focused on BPD, though I know that is not the only personality disorder. I cannot vouch for the accuracy of these, since I don’t have a personality disorder, but this is what I’ve found:

Polyamory and Borderline Personality Disorder

BPD tag at PolySkeptic

“Hysterical Woman Problems” & Jealousy

Dependent Personality Tag at Pragmatic Poly

i had my first experience in a triad, and i loved it. but things didnt work out. its been a while since its been over. I want to get back out there in the poly world but dont know how or where to look. the situation i was in before was with friends turned more. i need help

Here is my FAQ page about this! 

hi, i want to talk to you something about problems , can we chat via chat box? because i have long message to tell you :/ thanks!

Here is my FAQ page on that.

What is love? I’ve been with this guy for a year and we fight a lot and he always tells me how horrible he thinks I am and I know most of the stuff he says isn’t true or its just an exaggeration of the truth and so it makes me not want to be with him because it really affects my mental health ( i have severe depression) and i’ve told people about him and they always say he’s abusive and i always say i cant leave because i ‘love’ him but what is love? Do I really 'love’ him or am i just afraid.

If you’re with someone who tells me how horrible you are, lies to you, exacerbates your existing mental health issues, and people in your life believe he is abusive: leave him.

Sometimes “love” isn’t enough. Sometimes you can love someone’s ‘potential’ - who they might be if they could let go of the hatred and anger and pain that cause them to act in abusive ways. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the positives - maybe the sex is great, maybe on his good days he’s really really good, maybe he’s very funny - and we become convinced that those positives absolutely must cancel out the negatives. 

Sometimes, we mistake any heightened emotion for love. This is why people like to take dates to horror movies, and why people will report that someone is more attractive to them if they first see that person in a dangerous situation. I am sure that this person makes you feel very strong feelings - but the strength of those feelings doesn’t mean you should stay with him.

Love does not hurt. Love is incompatible with abuse. Love does not make you afraid. Leaving this guy might feel hard, and lonely, and scary, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. You deserve to find love that makes you feel good, that builds you up, that doesn’t make you wonder whether you are in love or “just afraid.” Let go of the messiness here and set yourself free. You can do it. You’re worth it. If you are worried about him using emotional, psychological or physical violence to make it harder for you to end things, enlist the help of friends or a professional. Check out my resources here.

I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I’ve dated this guy for a year and I’ve always had this nagging feeling I shouldn’t be. He’s married and poly but he wasn’t always poly. His wife doesn’t approve but deals with it because what else can she do. They’re married and she loves him. I know it hurts her to see him with other people so it makes me feel guilty being with him but i know if he weren’t with me he’d be with someone else so it wouldn’t matter either way because it’ll never be just them.

I think a better way to frame this is not what you owe her - the logic that if you leave him, he’ll just date someone else, so it doesn’t matter - but whether this is kind of arrangement is healthy for you. Having someone else’s grudging barely-consent, pain, and bitterness hanging at the emotional periphery of your relationship seems like it’s really bothering you. Which is a perfectly valid reaction to this situation! It’s very okay to set the limit for yourself that you’ll only date people who are in healthy, fully consensual, mutually happy polyamorous arrangements. If you’re in a relationship and a major aspect of that relationship is making you feel bad, then it’s not a good relationship for you! End of story. 

My boyfriend and I got into a really big fight and almost broke up and he’s been really cold towards me since. I send little hearts and he ignores them. I say I love him and he doesn’t say it back. I don’t know what to do. He started doing this a week before we got into our fight and it’s been really bugging me which is partly why we got into such a huge fight and I don’t understand why he’s being this way?

Have you asked him why he’s acting this way?

Maybe he needs some space.

Maybe he does want to break up.

Maybe he just expresses affection differently than you.

Maybe he’s been replaced by an alien pod person.

Maybe he doesn’t like little hearts. 

Maybe he’s feeling overwhelmed by other obligations and doesn’t have the emotional energy to respond to you, even in a positive context.

You gotta ask him! Don’t do it with pressure or accusations; just gently ask him why he seems so avoidant with you and whether there’s anything he needs from you to solve the problem. If he really seems to just not want to be present to you in ways that you need in a relationship, then maybe this isn’t the relationship for you.

Is it irrational to want my partner to message me in the mornings when they wake up? I understand if they have things to do but I’d just like to know they’re thinking of me and for them to let me know if they’re going to be busy or not and they act like I’m asking something really difficult and irrational? It just makes me feel like they always think of me last because they wake up and do things and message me hours later. I rarely even get a good morning from them first.

It’s not irrational of you to want it, but it’s also not irrational of your partner not to do that. Some people don’t like to start their day immediately with texting. It sounds like your partner prefers to wake up, get their day started, then settle into whatever daily conversation you two are going to have. It doesn’t mean that you’re not a priority; or that they think of you “last,” it’s just a difference of preferences and routines. Just because someone’s behavior bothers you doesn’t mean they’re obligated to change it; neither of you is being “irrational,” but neither of you gets the right to put unilateral demands on the other one either.

For many people, taking a few hours to start their day is key to their mental and physical wellbeing, so your partner might feel really threatened by an imposition on their morning routine. For other people, their morning routines aren’t as important to them, or they can reasonably accommodate post-wake-up texts.

Try letting go of the framing here that makes you take this personally. I doubt your partner is going “Ah, I’ve just woken up, and I could text my partner, but they are NOT IMPORTANT TO ME so I’m just going to do something else and make them wait!” Instead, it’s probably more like “Ah, I’ve just woken up! I need some time to get started and settle into my day before I feel up to using my phone or talking to other people. As soon as I’m ready, though, I’d love to connect with my partner about how our days are going to go!”

It feels to you like they’re putting you last, but really, you two just have different morning routines. If this is an absolute dealbreaker for you, then you have the right to seek a partner who likes the same exact type of connections and routines as you. But you might be able to find a compromise with your current partner. Maybe they text you before lunch every day, and that can be early enough for you but late enough for them. Maybe you need to find something else to focus on during your mornings. Maybe they could text you before bed and you could read it in the mornings. This isn’t about who is being “rational,” it’s about finding a way to meet in the middle so that neither of you feel hurt or ignored or unfairly put-upon.

Handmade Lifestyle Jewelry & Gifts by LoveInfinitelyGifts on Etsy →

polyadvice:

bipolysub:

Guys I’m really struggling financially right now and I could desperately use help. If anyone would be willing to share my store around to help bring in some money I would really appreciate it.

As it is, it doesn’t look like I’m going to make my rent this month if something doesn’t pick up. I’ve reapplied to drive for Uber again, but my registration has to be renewed before they’ll let me drive. That payment is already late and after the 15th I begin incurring fines so any help at all would be wonderful. I need to be able to get on the road again and try to make some extra money.

So, I never really do promos on this blog, and this blogger did NOT ask for the shoutout, but this one is special.

I clicked through this when it came up on my dash, and sure enough there is some really beautiful polyamory-themed jewelry. What really did it for me, though, is that this artist has a charm with a cross and a polyamory symbol. (There is also an atheist/skeptic one). When I saw that item listed I actually teared up. It is so rare for me as a polyamorous person of faith to feel like my whole, integrated self is seen, honored, and included. I am often alienated from polyamorous communities because I am a Christian and often alienated from Christian communities because I am polyamorous. For me, my spirituality and my polyamory are deeply inter-linked, but I have never seen a work of art that honors and recognizes that. I have cross jewelry and infinity symbol jewelry but I have never been offered an opportunity to express pride in who I am as fully as with that little charm.

Of course I ordered one and I encourage my followers to support this shop if you’re able and interested. @bipolysub I really hope things pick up for you and I want to thank you deeply for that beautiful moment I got to experience today. Let me know if there is anything else I can do to help. <3

Update: it came in the mail yesterday and totally made my day! I wore it to work today! It came in a cute little package with bright yellow bubble wrap! Did you know they made bright yellow bubble wrap? I didn’t!

I desperately want to post a selfie wearing it, but I have to be anonymous on here for annoying reasons. :( just imagine someone who looks a lot like my avatar but now with turquoise hair grinning while proudly rocking a blue polyamorous-christian pendant, okay? #mentalselfie 

Thank you so much @bipolysub for the lovely & affirming piece. If you haven’t already, please check out the linked etsy store & consider buying something neat! <3 

I’m trying to figure out if polyamory is for me or not. I’ve been in a poly relationship in the past and it was fine but I’m having a lot of difficulties in my current one. I’m not allowed to have other partners, which to an extent is fine. My partner constantly goes on about his other partners and boasts about getting laid and its gotten to a point I just don’t want him with anyone else. I don’t know if this means I can’t be poly at all or if it’s just that this relationship isn’t working.

Your partner doesn’t allow you to have other partners, but he goes out and has other partners, which he then comes back and brags to you about? This doesn’t sound like a healthy arrangement.

Have you tried talking to him about this? Telling him how you feel when he goes on and on about his other partners? Asking him why he feels it’s okay for him to have other partners while you can’t? If not, try opening up that conversation - perhaps he’ll have answers for you that help you two make sense of things and come to a better compromise.

But if he’s not willing to discuss this, if he’s not willing to re-assess your arrangement, or if you’re just unhappy with the dynamic between you two, it might be that this relationship isn’t working for you. I don’t think that means no poly relationship would work for you - something more egalitarian, without the weird restriction on you and the obnoxious rubbing of other partners in your face, might end up being healthy and happy for you! It sounds like this specific relationship has some issues that stem from your partner, not necessarily the polyamory.

programming note

polyadvice:

Hi friends! I am still trying to keep up with my daily posting schedule, but it has lapsed recently because I am going through some big and exciting life changes, so please sit tight!

<3 Zinnia

The queue has some posts in it again; things should be back up and running.

As for the ‘exciting life changes,’ I can’t say much right now but it involves moving to a new place and then perhaps some small humans…

I am a mono guy and was talking with a former poly gf about how jealous I would get, thinking about her being together, intimately, with another guy. It really bothered me. I was saying how I need to find a way to deal with it. She said that at the root of my issue is that I view her as “property”. I disagreed. I wanted her to be able to do what she wanted to do and with whomever, but it still drove me crazy. Was I viewing her as property? And do mono guys have the most problem with this?

It can be really aggravating when someone tries to tell you what you’re thinking and feeling, so know that I am present to that frustration. If you genuinely believe that your struggles with her polyamory don’t stem from you seeing her as “property,” well, ultimately you’re the expert on what’s going on inside your own head.

That said, there is a lot to be said for how capitalist and patriarchal ideas worm their way into our minds and hearts and senses of self. Our culture has long liked to treat relationships as economic transactions. You can see it in our language- a simple example like “you’re mine” and “I’m yours” being used as statements of love. There is an underlying assumption of “possession” in many relationships, and what do you “possess?” Well, property.

So, some people who practice polyamory, non-monogamy, or relationship anarchy do a lot of work to uncover, understand, and challenge some ideas they’ve just absorbed through their culture. Your ex may have been trying to let you know that some of your actions and behaviors seem, to her, to have been informed by these ideas, and to encourage you to interrogate some of your assumptions about relationships and possession and how they work. That she did so by making the annoying mistake of presuming to speak for your internal perspective doesn’t mean it’s not worth examining this.

As for your question about whether mono guys have the most issue with this, I don’t know if there’s been any research on that, specifically, but it is true that our culture sends very specific messages to men about “possessing” their partners. That doesn’t mean all monogamous men see their partners as property, just that a monogamous man may be more susceptible to that kind of thinking, even in subtle or unconscious ways.

Here are some readings, if you’re interested!

Of course, you may just be oriented monogamously, and your inability to feel okay in a polyamorous relationship isn’t an issue of philosophy but rather just of who you are. That’s okay too! If talking to your ex is bringing up feelings of guilt and judgment, you’re under no obligation to keep talking to her.

If someone points out something about you that makes you feel challenged and threatened, sometimes the right call is to try and make space to hear and understand what they’re saying and then examine and work on the dark places in yourself that they shined a light on. Other times, the right call is to decide that they don’t speak for you, and their truth is not your truth, and the healthiest thing is to reject their description of you. It can be really, really hard to tell the difference, and mistakes in that area can be pretty consequential, so it’s okay to be struggling with this. 

I’m Panromantic, Asexual, and Poly…is there a more proper way to say that?

Not really, as far as I know, because those words all refer to different aspects of yourself. You could think of them as your romantic orientation, your sexual orientation, and your relationship orientation. If I’m a sister, a writer, and a person who hates tomatoes, there isn’t one word that encapsulates those three traits because they’re all different aspects of myself.

But all words and all concepts were, at some point, invented by someone to reflect something they thought needed a word! So if you want a term that covers multiple aspects of identity, feel free to develop one!

I am struggling find other poly people out there.. is there anyway I can some people who are poly? I am gay, open to a V poly or A homosexual triad.

Here is my FAQ page about that!

Am I Poly or just an ally? I’ve never been in a relationship before. I’m Bisexual and Demiromantic but I don’t feel like I have to limit myself to one person. Is it really possible for me to know if I am without ever being in a relationship and all it entails?

Here’s my FAQ page about that!

I met this guy on OKC and we had a very intense emotional connection and messaged every day and talked about really deep stuff but when we finally met in person I found that I wasn’t attracted to him. I felt awful. I knew he was still attracted to me and all i ended up feeling was anxious. I had a 2 day long anxiety attack and am riddled with guilt because even though he is a great person I just am not attracted to him romantically and I feel awful about it. got any advice or encouragement? Of course I admitted to him that I wasn’t attracted to him but I was really into him before we met so I know even though he was understanding he was also confused. I feel so shallow but I just wasn’t attracted to him physically when we met and I tried to deny it but in the end I know how I feel and despite our deep emotional connection I am just not attracted to him and I just feel so guilty about it. I’m not sure how to calm down. My guilt based anxiety keeps coming in waves because of it.

You are not obligated to be sexually or romantically interested in anyone. Ever. No matter how you met. No matter how well you connect in other areas. Period. End of story.

It can be really frustrating to connect emotionally with someone over messages, then realize that you aren’t physically or sexually into them. I think it’s unfair that our culture conflates those feelings - there are people I have spectacular sexual chemistry with who I don’t click with emotionally; and there are people who meet my emotional and intellectual needs on a deep level, but I don’t want to sleep with them. One thing polyamory and relationship anarchy have helped me do is find the space and the language for different kinds of relationships.

It’s okay to tell this guy that you really enjoy your conversations and would love the opportunity to pursue a friendship based on your connection, but that you aren’t interested in a sexual or romantic relationship. It’s okay for him to say no - he might see online dating exclusively as a way to meet people for sexual/romantic connections. But he might say yes! Either way, neither of you have done anything morally or ethically wrong, you’re just being honest about what you want and whether you can provide what the other person wants.

If this is creating a serious issue for you, it’s okay to take steps to mitigate this in the future. You can take a break from online dating while you work through the underlying causes of this severe anxiety (more on that below). Or, you can add a note to your OKC profile saying that it’s possible for you to meet someone there and discover that you’re better suited to be friends, and that you don’t expect or demand that every OKC connection turns into a sexual/romantic connection. We don’t assume that everyone we get along with well who we meet through work or mutual friends must become a sexual/romantic connection, so we don’t have to make that assumption about OKC as a way to meet people either.

Finally: a two-day-long anxiety attack and continued waves of guilt and anxiety over a social situation like this is not normal, and you deserve help for this. You can get help learning how to set boundaries, identify and meet your own needs, and say no. I don’t know if you identify as female and/or were socialized female, but this is a really common source of pressure and guilt for women and people socialized as women. The world likes to act like we owe men our attention and affection, and like we’re shallow and cruel if we don’t return their sexual interest. That’s garbage, and it’s a lie designed to control us. It can be really hard to find healing and learn to let go of this shame that’s been pressured into us for our entire lives, but there are lots of therapists who specialize in issues like this. Please consider reaching out to a mental health professional for help.

Hello. I’m fourteen and in a polyamorous relationship (As in, I’m with two people of the same sex as me, and they both know and consent even though they don’t personally have feelings for each other). However, I’ve been seeing articles and such that claim that being poly is a lie and that I should be ashamed of myself for being ‘slutty’. How can I help get those thoughts out of my mind?

First off, stop reading those articles!!! I don’t know where you’re hanging out online or in real life where you’re encountering those attitudes, but start minimizing your exposure to them if at all possible. You are under zero obligation to put yourself in the ‘line of fire’ of statements that make you feel ashamed. If someone is going out of their way to put those ideas in front of you, that person is being cruel and unsafe and you are well within your rights to minimize contact with them, block or unfollow them, etc. 

Second, start filling your mind instead with poly-positivity! Read articles, forums, blogs, and other content that is affirming and healthy for you. Start with some of these links, and branch out from there. If you use tumblr, instagram, reddit, facebook, etc. search for poly-positive tags, groups, and users and create a safe space for yourself! Read books and watch movies that are poly-positive! Check out the resources here to start. 

Third, find ways to help yourself heal from the damage that has already done by those nasty things you read. It is okay to be who you are, and your relationship is not a lie. It is okay to be “slutty,” so if that is something that resonates with you, feel free to take pride, not shame, in that label! But if that doesn’t resonate with you, feel free to completely reject that label. Simply being in a polyamorous relationship does not make you “slutty.” No one else gets to tell you who you are. No one else gets to say that because of your choices or relationships, that you are wrong or bad or should be ashamed. I answered a similar question here, which includes some other suggestions for how to heal from anti-poly and poly-shaming nonsense.

Congrats on finding a relationship that is healthy and happy and working for you! Know that there will always be people out there who disapprove of what you do, whether it’s “getting an art degree” or “adopting a dog from a kill shelter” or “being a millennial” or whatever. The reality is that no matter who you are or what you do, there will always be someone out there writing thinkpieces about how you are bad and wrong for doing whatever it is that you do. Try to let it go. Other people are welcome to have their dumb opinions, but you don’t have to agree or even engage. 

Hi. I’m finding myself going through a severe bout of depression due to being new to polyamory and feeling hopeless about it. I’m married and have an amazing relationship with my husband but I keep finding myself desperately wanting a woman to love and be with sexually. I’m obsessed with the thoughts of being with another woman and have tried to find someone but I can’t seem to get it together. I’m from a small town so meeting a woman who is open to me being married seems like it’s impossible

First off, if you’re dealing with severe depression, please talk to a mental health professional. Realizing new things about yourself, your identity, and your sexuality can create all sorts of stress and anxiety, which is why there are experts who specialize in exactly this sort of thing. Even if there aren’t any in your small town, there are options for online and phone therapy, or peer support in online forums, that you should definitely explore. 

Second, have you talked to your husband about this? That would be the first step. Don’t just assume that these desires you have are totally impossible to ever fulfill. Start by telling your husband that you’re happy and satisfied in your marriage, but have strong desires to explore romance and sexuality with a woman. See what he says and start from there. If you’ve already talked to him about this, tell him about this depression and obsessive thoughts. You two may be able to partner in this and find ways to relieve this frustration in the meantime - sharing sexual fantasies about you being with a woman, supporting you in your dating pursuits, helping you find distractions, etc.

Don’t assume that because of where you life, you’re condemned to a life without an ability to pursue this. Online dating makes it much easier to find people who share your interests, and you might be surprised to discover who else is out there. Remember also that for everyone, even the most hetero-mono folks, dating is hard, and it can take time to find someone. Try not to fall into spirals of anxiety and depression based on your assumptions about what the future is definitely going to be like. Again, therapy can really help with this kind of re-framing.

You’re going to be okay! Knowing what you need is a powerful first step. You can get those needs met, even if it takes some time and creativity. Be patient and gentle with yourself.

I’ve met this guy recently and me and him have became really good friends. I’ve started to like him but I don’t think he likes me because I’m 17 and he’s 25. So he looks at as a friend. Any advice on how how I can maybe change his opinion of me and to not think of the age gap?

Nope, I don’t have that advice, because it doesn’t exist. There is nothing anyone can do to change another person’s thoughts or feelings. You can never argue, cajole, prove or convince someone into having feelings for you, or really anything else. This goes for crushes, coworkers, parents, bosses, siblings, exes, elected officials, clergy, teachers…you see where I’m going.

It’s a tough truth to swallow, but if your problem boils down to “I want someone else to think, feel, or act a different way,” there is no real solution. The only thing we can ultimately control is ourselves. Shifting our perspective to “What can I do to keep myself healthy and safe while this other person makes this choice, has these feelings, or behaves this way" is our best bet for happiness.

Also, that is a pretty serious age gap. A 17 year old is in a different place in life than a 25 year old. You two have different emotional landscapes, different lifestyles, different worlds. It’s okay for him not to want to date you - it would be okay for someone your own age to not want to date you, but since this person is so much older than you, it’s also healthy and responsible on his part.

It sucks when you want something, or someone, that you can’t have. I’ve crushed on and pined after my share of people who simply were not appropriate for me to date, and I know that it’s painful and frustrating. But the solution is not to try and change his mind - it’s to respect his lack of interest. This isn’t the last time you’ll wish you could change someone’s opinion of you, so figure out what you can do for yourself to make it through this.

I’m not sure if you’re the right blog to ask, but I don’t know where else to turn to. I know I’m bisexual because I find both men and women romantically and sexually attractive. However, I find any touch from men (even hugging) disgusting unless they’re related to me. It makes me want to rip my skin off. Could this mean I’m not actually bisexual? I’m so confused.

If you “know you’re bisexual,” then that’s your answer.

It could be that you can aesthetically appreciate men, but don’t actually want to engage with them sexually. It could be that previous negative experiences or trauma have created a sense of disgust around men’s touch. This might be the kind of thing best worked out with a mental health professional who specializes in sexuality and identity, if it’s causing you distress.

It could be that your brain’s ‘wiring’ is bisexual, but the realities of your life mean that you aren’t set up to find touch or sexual attention from men enjoyable. It’s okay to let “nature” and “nurture” coexist - despite my previous use of the metaphor, it’s actually an oversimplification-to-the-point-of-myth to think of brains as ‘wired’ a certain way. 

If you enjoy fantasizing about men sexually, if you enjoy looking at attractive men, if you enjoy porn or erotica including men, awesome - do that! If you don’t enjoy actually having sex with men, that’s fine - don’t do that! Live your best, healthiest, happiest life, and don’t worry so much about what exact labels apply. 

I’m 15 years old and in a polyamorous triad. I recently came out to my mom about it, and I think she’s… really disappointed. She even told me, “I don’t to hear anything about it.” I don’t know what to do anymore. This is tearing me up inside. Do you have any advice on what I should do? I don’t want my mom to ignore this about me, but I don’t want to disappoint her! I’m at the point where I’m wondering if I should break up with my partners

You don’t want your mom to be disappointed with you, or ignore a part of your identity that’s important to you, but I think that falls in the category of “unpleasant things to cope with” rather than “circumstances within your power to change.” Sometimes, “I don’t want this” is a signal that you need to change something. Other times, “I don’t want this” is a signal that you need to figure out how to deal with it. All this to say: your mom’s feelings are something you need the serenity to accept, not something you need the courage to change. And like they say, there is wisdom in knowing the difference. (I wrote about this here.)

If you’re worried about your own safety while you live with your parents, that’s a different issue. But if she’s just using emotional manipulation to make you feel ashamed for who you are and how you live a healthy, fulfilling life with healthy relationships, try to let go of that. She can throw as many tantrums as she wants. It’s your choice to live your own life and be your own person. It’s her choice whether to accept that. You do not exist to please your mother. You are your own person. Don’t break up with your partners just because you living your truth is bumming your mom out.

Same goes for any teenager whose parents are sulking, guilt-tripping, or otherwise engaging in ‘emotional terrorism’ to get you to: stop being gay, grow your hair out, pursue a law degree, tolerate boundary-violations, etc. Now, don’t get me wrong: it’s good to recognize when your actions hurt someone and commit to stopping your hurtful behavior! If someone is upset with you because you violated a boundary or did something hurtful, by all means, apologize and stop doing that thing. But being who you are does not fall under that category. Your relationship doesn’t hurt other people. In this case, her “disappointment” is her problem, not your fault.

I know how painful it can be to feel like you’re responsible for your parent’s emotional wellbeing. I know how strong the sense of obligation is. I know how easily it is to conflate “mom is upset” with “I did something wrong.” But you have not done anything wrong. You’re getting to an age where you’re going to end up making plenty of choices that your parents might not want you to make. It will be emotionally messy, because they will make it emotionally messy. But stand strong. Say “Mom, this is who I am and what makes me happy. I’m sorry to hear that you don’t like it, but this is my choice to make.“ Focus on grieving the fact that you didn’t get a mom who can accept and embrace all of who you are, rather than fighting to change something about her or yourself.